Church Bells Sketch
H = Husband [Graham Chapman]
W = Wife [Terry Jones]
[Church Bells in the background]
H: I wish those bloody bells would stop!
W: Oh, it's quite nice, dear. It's Sunday - it's the church.
H: What about us atheist ! Why should we have to listen to that sectarian turmoil...
W: You're a lapsed atheist, dear.
H: The principle's the same !... Bleedin' C of E. The Muhamedens don't come around here waving bells at us !. We don't get Budhist playing bagpipes in our bathroom. Or Hindus harmonizing in the halls. The Shintuist don't come here shattering sheet glass in the shithouse and shouting slogans!
W: Alright !.. Don't go practicing your illiteration on me!
H: Anyway... When I get my membership card and blazers badge back from the league of agnostics, I will urge the executive to lodge a protest against that religious racket!... Pass the butter knife.
W: What ??
H: PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE!.. Thank you! If only we had some kind of missile...
W: Hang on, I'll close the window.
[closes window - bells sounding a little less loud]
H: If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of those bells!
W: Well, you could always use the No. 14 To St-Joseph The Somewhat Divine On the Hill balistic missile. It's in the attic...
H: What ballistic missile would this be, then?
W: I made it for you - it's your birthday present!
H: Just what I wanted ! How nice of you to remember, my pet... Here!
W: What?
H: Those bells are getting louder!
W: What?!
H: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER!
W: The bells are getting louder! Oh, look!
H: What?
W: The church ! It's getting closer !! It's comming down the hill!
H: WHAT A LIBERTY!
W: It's turning into Homes lane!
H: Straight through the lights, of course!
W: Typical! Well, you better go and put it out of it's misery!
[bells gaining in intensity with every passing second]
H: Where's this missile, then?
W: It's in the ironing cupboard !!... Press the button marked "Church"!
H: How do I aim it?
W: Ohh, it automatically home's in on the nearest place of worship!
H: That's St-Marc's!
W: It isn't now ! Look !!... Oh ! It's opening the gate!
H: WHAT ??... USE THE MEGAPHONE!
W: IT'S OPENING THE GATE!
H: I'LL POP UP TO THE IRONING CUPBOARD!
W: HURRY UP !! IT'S TRAMPLING THE BEGONIAS!
[sounds of balistic missile lauching]
[explosion, crashing of church walls & bells slipping into silence]
H: ...Did I hit it?
W: Yes, right up the aisles...
H: Well, I've always said: there's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not!