I've kind of avoided this topic for awhile, but ill do a wee update and stuff.
I made the resolution this year to just learn more about myself, and tbh whether i made that resolution or not would have made zero difference, as ive basically been thrust into a rabbit hole of self-discovery i never really thought was possible.
Bit of a backstory, christmas eve in '98 when i was 8 years old basically was a turning point in my life of trauma, caused by my mums situation in life, i never really recovered. so we can say ages 8-25 were a write-off, as ive basically done nothing but get completely drunk, take drugs, do nothing, learn nothing, accrue debt and lose my family. When I was 26 i calmed down a lot, but and stopped a lot of those behaviors except the drinking and doing fuck all. Im now 27. I've never held a relationship for longer than 5 months, and i recycle friends more than i recycle irl. The only benefit is i somehow managed to work my way up in the company im in now, so i have a career i guess - i v lucky to not have lost my job as i went from inconsistently great to inconsistently never around or reliable. . I have been disagnosed with Major Depressive and generalised anxiety. I once had a panic attack, not long after waking up thinking people were breaking into my home to call the police, 5 squad cars to turn up, and noone to be there - most of the time though it just used to be thinking i was going to die from a heart attack all the time. Please dont read that from a 'woe is me' perspective. I just think it helps if you can relate to anything along the lines of what i said, if not thats ok too.
This kind of started before the new year, and is quite complicated, ill try explain as best i can.
Years back, I started reading some books by dr paul ekman, afte watching the tv show lie to me. There was an interest there in being able to understand peoples emotions using the bigger picture and not just listening to what they say. That dropped off, and whilst i retained some info, i never put it into practice, rather i would infrequently spot something and go "oh cool". That lay dormant for awhile until i picked it up again autumn last year, and I read a few books, materials, watched videos, and kinda just absorbed myself into what at least knew, was an interest for me. My confidence skyrocketed, and my anxiety decreased. I used to be scared to talk to people, now i just wanted to know if they were lying to me or not, and generally i just didnt feel so lost. And i saw peoples emotions everywhere, and it really helped me a lot understand the people i came into contact with rather than always just trying to brush them off.
It was towards the end of the year, I decided to listen to some of the infamous, Jordan Peterson's work on youtube. If theres any of you reading who doesnt know who he is, he is the clincal psychologist who took a stance against the c-16 bill's introduction in Canada, sparking a 'lively' protest at the university of toronto from the leftist social justice movement. (
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-nvNAcvUPE). I dont particularly want to dwell on this particular side of Peterson's work, but i do want to say this. I dont disagree with him, however, im in a sense glad that he was erroneously combated for being transphobic in his battle against c-16, because without that video i linked to you, I would probably never come across his other work.
As a clincal psychologist he sets out to help people improve their lives and their understanding of life around them, and when you listen to his advice, its so simple, like you knew it all along, but you can feel everything start to click into place to longer you listen to him talk. Which is fascinating for me, because when you go down the body language hole, a lot of it is common sense, and you feel like you knew it all along, but now youre more consciously aware of that fact. Kinda like when someone reminds you that you are breathing manually now, how you switch from subconscious breathing to conscious breathing.
Interestingly, a lot of his work ties into belief systems and ideologies and religions. Which hes dedicated his life to, and is amazing that he ends up in the position he is in now navigating ideologies in modern society.
I started listening to his biblical series, but never really listened as it was what i put on before i went to sleep. But bits and bobs remained. And from that, I guess i became a more open person - i stumbled upon the flower of life just after the new year, and honestly. I dont know what to think. (read about it here:
https://www.tokenrock.com/explain-flower-of-life-46.html), which sent me down another rabbit hole of reading about spirituality and conciousness. And ive went from being atheist to agnostic to full "i have no idea wtf is going on around me". Not everything i read around spirituality i take at face value and put all my being behind to give it such weight. But the flower of life, is really fascinating, and gives some credibility to the notion that maybe things are a lot more fucked up than we expect it to be. I had heard numerous of people Peterson metioned who spent their life trying to reconcile the differences between religion and science, and later heard him say that Jung probably was the most significant event within the 20th century because of Jung's work around both human psychology in regards to religion.
I could honestly write a whole lot more, but basically ive taken all this on board, ive been meditating and trying to just expand my mind as much as possible, and its hard to argue that im even the same person i was 6 months ago, because I feel different. I dont stutter or stumble in conversation, i can go after what i want without fear, just an hour ago i went to the shop and genuinely smiled all the way back, people looked more beautiful and a lot of the stress and worry i usually carry with my for that moment was just gone.
I dont cry very often unless im drunk, but last night i was listening to a uk documentary on Peterson, and at the very end, and with the conviction to suffocate me, i cried over the 4 or so mins of his answer to "pre-requisites for true knowledge and understanding" , which for those suffering deep from depression I would hope would resonate with you just as it did with me (
https://youtu.be/EjqXXengN1s?t=45m5s), when you suffer from trauma or continual negative experiences and end up in a pit of despair. We want to end that, by trying to deflect as much negative experiences in our future as possible by sticking to the devil we know, and remaining in that pit of despair. We run from responsibility, because it is the easy option. After the suffering that caused us to be where we are, part of me believes that we refuse to believe that life is truly that unfair and that our time for prosperity will come, even when multiple times throughout our lives people tell us it wont come, we hide ourselves and wait for the sun to shine on the horizon only for it to remain perpetually dark. And its understandable we feel that way. Part of having an anxiety disorder is that physiologically we have an overactive fight-or-flight response, because in essence, anxiety is an essential human trait. The thing is, the things we tell ourselves everyday, might seem like passing moments, but they hold much more weight and value than we give it credit, and our subconcious is a large part to thank for biological responses to our past and present.
I kinda hold the view at the minute that science and religion are two sides of the same coin, and that the universe exists within balance. Something I have went far to long without. Do I know the answers or expect people here to subscribe to the way i view all this material. Nope.
But i will say this, I can feel my potential again, and im starting to no longer feel lost. I feel strong, and when i started to cry at that peterson documentary last night, at the exact same moment it was as if the world burst into colour around me. Even though ive never been colourblind.
There is a path to recovery for everyone, and if my experience doesnt help that at all, then I hope at the very least leave a little bit of hope that growth is possible, because for the majority of my life, I thought I was pretty much doomed from the start.