I like one of my coworkers. She has the kind of bubbly personality that guys probably mistake for flirting all the time. I don’t think she’s been flirting with me, but I never think anyone is. She’s only been working here for the past couple weeks and she’ll be leaving soon because the schedule isn’t working out for her. Last night I asked her when her last day would be and she glared at me, then responded with a very exaggerated “What? Why do you want to know?” I’m not sure if this was a missed opportunity or if she somehow knew I liked her, but didn’t want me to ask her out. We’ll be working together three more times before she’s gone for good.
Most 20 years olds have more experience dating than I do. I have a chronic illness that I’ve only gotten under control fairly recently. For the better part of a decade, I had near constant diarrhea, rectal bleeding, hemorrhoids, and a tiny appetite. I dreaded going to the bathroom as each bowel movement was half hour or more ordeal. I was in a lot of pain. My ass hurt just walking to and from class. My confidence was rekt.
My pediatrician was horrible, which is why I didn’t get diagnosed until late 2012 when I moved away for school. I started receiving treatment in early 2013. My health improved dramatically. I also started going to the gym regularly. By the end of the year I gained 40 pounds, with muscle making up a decent portion of it.
That same year was also the first time I ever really dated. I went to an all boys high school and didn’t make much of an effort to socialize with any of the girls in my neighborhood. I didn’t go to my prom because I literally didn’t know any teenage girls I could have asked. Since my health has started improving, I’ve asked out a bunch of women, but have yet to go on a second date with anyone.
I’m not really sure if this is the right approach. There’s a lot of hooking up that happens here, but it’s not really something I’ve ever tried for a number of reasons. A lot of them happen while both parties are inebriated, but due to my illness, alcohol is prohibited among many other dietary restrictions. I also don't like how the ones that don't result in relationships leave at least one person bitter in the end.
I’ve been much more direct with the women I’ve been interested in, but I’m not sure if that’s a sign of confidence or an inability to interpret more subtle forms of communication. I like being honest with people and knowing where exactly I stand with them. This has mean racking up rejections, with each one burning my soul much more than it ought to. When I think about it logically, I know it shouldn’t matter but that doesn’t stop it from bothering me. I end up getting upset at myself for not having figured this stuff out yet.
I don’t even really know what I’m looking for right now. Relationships seem nice, but I’m starting to think I might not have room in my life for a girlfriend right now. I’m majoring in STEM and I work part time. I’d have to find someone who was okay with not seeing me several days a week. I’m barely able to submit my assignments on time. I can’t even goof off on forums the way I did during the summer. I don’t know if I could tolerate having someone that I need to check in with everyday. It’s possible I only feel this way because I’m afraid of getting hurt and I’m sure I’d feel even more upset if I graduated college unfucked.
Outside of the sexlessness, I'm very happy with my life right now. I’m living in an apartment this year which means I have my own room for the first time ever, I completed a couple of projects over the summer which did wonders for my confidence in my skills as a programmer, and I’m currently the healthiest I’ve ever been. There are certainly things I’d change, but I like the way I look and I love the person I’m growing into.
Closing questions:
1) Was college easy mode for you dating-wise?
2) Is it a waste of time trying to date in the traditional sense while I'm here?
