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distinguished black fellow OWNERS MANUAL
Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new distinguished black fellow! If handled properly, your apeman will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.
INSTALLING YOUR distinguished black fellow.
You should install your distinguished black fellow differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field distinguished black fellows work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your distinguished black fellow to another distinguished black fellow immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many distinguished black fellows start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House distinguished black fellows work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your distinguished black fellow can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since distinguished black fellows become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck distinguished black fellow. If your distinguished black fellow is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their distinguished black fellow hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for distinguished black fellow hoes. These names go straight over your distinguished black fellow's head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR distinguished black fellow
Owing to a design error, your distinguished black fellow comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most distinguished black fellows can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your distinguished black fellow's tongue. Once de-tongued your distinguished black fellow will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. distinguished black fellows have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their distinguished black fellows for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the distinguished black fellow's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat
HOUSING YOUR distinguished black fellow.
Your distinguished black fellow can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of distinguished black fellow food through. The rule of thumb is, four distinguished black fellows per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot distinguished black fellow cage can accommodate two hundred distinguished black fellows. You can site a distinguished black fellow cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your distinguished black fellow fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. distinguished black fellows never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your distinguished black fellow is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your distinguished black fellow is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck distinguished black fellows and hoe distinguished black fellows can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR distinguished black fellow.
Your distinguished black fellow likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your distinguished black fellow will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other distinguished black fellows, etc. Experienced distinguished black fellow owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the distinguished black fellow cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all distinguished black fellows have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all distinguished black fellows steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his distinguished black fellows as a result. You should never allow your distinguished black fellow meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a distinguished black fellow to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
MAKING YOUR distinguished black fellow WORK.
distinguished black fellows are very, very averse to work of any kind. The distinguished black fellow's most prominent anatomical feature, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your distinguished black fellow to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. distinguished black fellows are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way. The solution to this is to *dupe* your distinguished black fellow into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your distinguished black fellow will then frantically compete with the other field distinguished black fellows to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your distinguished black fellow to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your distinguished black fellow comes equipped with the standard distinguished black fellow IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight. distinguished black fellows can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your distinguished black fellows can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
ENTERTAINING YOUR distinguished black fellow.
Your distinguished black fellow enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling distinguished black fellow works best. Games distinguished black fellows enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your distinguished black fellow's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other distinguished black fellows thrash it with a club or whip. Your distinguished black fellow will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the distinguished black fellow: distinguished black fellows are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a distinguished black fellow.
Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and distinguished black fellows just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other distinguished black fellows watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) distinguished black fellow dragging: Tie your distinguished black fellow by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your distinguished black fellow's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the distinguished black fellow, do *NOT* drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the distinguished black fellow, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your distinguished black fellow out in the fields, thus saving work time. distinguished black fellows enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the distinguished black fellow: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a distinguished black fellow, as they are highly toxic.
DISPOSAL OF DEAD distinguished black fellows.
distinguished black fellows die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their distinguished black fellows dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your distinguished black fellow. The police will collect the distinguished black fellow and dispose of it for you.
COMMON PROBLEMS WITH distinguished black fellows - MY distinguished black fellow IS VERY AGGRESIVE
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity distinguished black fellow? What are we, short of distinguished black fellows or something?
MY distinguished black fellow KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN
They all do this. Shorten your distinguished black fellow's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
WILL MY distinguished black fellow ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If distinguished black fellows successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why distinguished black fellow uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
MY distinguished black fellow bitches ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
MY distinguished black fellow'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. - WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A distinguished black fellow?
A distinguished black fellow's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your distinguished black fellow is full of. This is why some models of distinguished black fellow are sold as "The Shitskin".
MY distinguished black fellow ACTS LIKE A distinguished black fellow, BUT IS WHITE.
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd. WOW!
IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine distinguished black fellows and you'll soon find it stops acting like a distinguished black fellow. However, leave it in the cage and let the distinguished black fellows dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.
MY distinguished black fellow SMELLS REALLY BAD
And you were expecting what?
SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD distinguished black fellow?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead distinguished black fellow storage"? .That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.