Little update for me since I'm drunk now.
Nothing much has changed in my life. Nothing has really improved.
I had a long and hard conversation with my mother. Basically my mother thinks I'm going to end up killing myself. I also at this point think it's inevitable. I kind of think suicide is a forgone conclusion, it's kind of just a matter of when. It's just next time I probably won't be so public about it.
I stopped going to my therapist, I just felt like I wasn't getting anything out of it and I was wasting my money. I would talk, I guess she would listen. Is that all they do? I guess, I don't know what I wanted. It's like I wanted Prof X to read my mind and give me a run down on what my psychological problems were and what to do. Instead, because of the way I handle people I'm not super comfortable with I feel like I put my best fake genuine mask up. Telling people what they want to hear, but never telling them the super truth. I'm really good at that, so good I don't know how to not do it. Point being I felt like I could never say excactly what would help and I felt like I got nothing out of it.
At this point I don't know I don't know when I'm going to do it, but I know at some point I'm going to do it. It was nice to feel the support of everyone, but in the end it just made me feel guilty. Did I do it for attention? No, but sometimes I feel like I did. I know some feel like I did. In the end I see how everyone has connections. Their own personal family, sexual and romantic partners, or whatever. People outside of thier mother who validate them. I don't and I don't see me ever achieving that because I myself dont like me. A real chicken and egg syndrome honestly.
In my arguments with my mother it comes down to, killing yourself will ruin people who love you. Yes, I know it will forever effect people especially my mother. But I feel thats a guilt trip. I'm not living for myself then, just so I don't hurt others. It sound bad when you type it out, but it's the truth. I love my nieces, but my life isn't about them.