THE BORE

General => The Superdeep Borehole => Topic started by: TVC15 on July 07, 2007, 11:41:47 PM

Title: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 07, 2007, 11:41:47 PM
Transformers is probably the worst movie I've seen in a theatre since The Phantom Menace.

The movie looks very nice.  The CG is top notch (aside from the sketchy looking Mars Rover sequence).  Buildings break nicely and carnage is generally handled well.  I have no idea when CG was used in destruction--most of it looks pretty organic, but if it was, this movie would have had double the budget it actually has.  Good stuff out of the way, two things hold the look of the movie back:  the designs of the Transformers and Michael Bay.  Aside from Optimus Prime an Bumblebee, the Transformers look too similar.  I mean, they look different enough when they are standing around and yapping, but the action sequences that require 2 or more bodies are disastrous.  All the bots that aren't Opt or BB are grey or dark blue.  That's bad.  As far as the Michael Bay factor goes, well. . .the movie has its fair share of action scenes, but none of them are very involving or interesting.  I don't want to be overly harsh and call them sterile or anything, but they just didn't pull me in or hold my interest.  Bay's schizo camera work is in full effect, too, with puzzling use of slow motion and badly cut close-up action.

Then the plot.  Oh god the plot.  You'd think with a 150 million dollar budget, the script must be at least decent, right?  Well, no.  This sucker's got holes so big that Optimus Prime could probably fit through them. . .after having a Miles-esque BK Eat Attack.  The most puzzling ones have to do with the glasses of the explorer.  This plot device is so poorly thought out that there are multiple holes attached to it.  Let's break it down:

   1.  When the explorer accidentally activated Megatron (just for a second), how did Megatron instantly know to burn a map onto the dude's glasses?  I mean, for being awake for a scant few seconds, that is a ridiculously precise thing to do.  Why would Megatron even want to make a map to the thing, giving awake the location of the object he planned to use for TEH BADNESS?

   2.  How did any of the other Transformers even find out about the glasses?  Megatron went right back to sleep.  Optimus says they learned about the glasses from Ebay, which makes zero sense.  How would they be able to tell the map was on the glasses via an Ebay screenshot, and even if they could see the map, why didn't they just use the screenshot to figure out the map?

There are other problems.  It is pointed out that Megatron was moved from the arctic circle to the Hoover Dam in the 30s.  A point is also made that he is in stasis from being frozen.  How did they transport something so giant from the arctic circle to the Hoover Dam while keeping it frozen?  Similarly, how did they move the allspark at all?  Why did Sector 7 decide to build their top secret super base in a famous tourist destination?  If the US had a power source that could turn any electronics into violent, gun-laden robots, why didn't we just drop a giant box of calculator killbots on top of Vietnam, Korea, and Iraq?  How did the Decepticons know about Sector 7, and more specifically, the Iceman project?

And for such a lengthy movie, so much of the material is just blatantly unnecessary, and should have been trimmed for length.  For example, the NSA sigint chick with the ACCENT THAT CHANGES EVERY OTHER SCENE, why was she in the movie at all.  She, and everything surrounding her subplot (yes, that means most of the government stuff), could have been cut out, and the movie would have been a good 20 minutes shorter, and not lost a thing.  I can understand if that stuff was thrown in to pad a short movie, but this movie is horrendously long to begin with.

Also, people in the Transformers universe appear to have difficulty identifying anthropomorphic robots.  The Autobots dancing around Shia's house?  Lame.  The robot dancing around the airstrip that Airforce One has landed on due to an emergency?  Lame.  Nobody noticed a man-sized robot jogging across the strip that the most important plane on earth has just landed on?

I'm going to cut my bitching off here--believe me, I could go on--but I would like to say my thang on the acting.  Shia does the best job here.  John Turturro delivers a hammy, career worst performance (no exaggeration), and John Voight doesn't do much better.  Pointless Accent Changing NSA Chick is also absolutely horrible.  I have no idea who she is, but her schtick was so lame that it's worth calling out.

I like big dumb action movies as much as the next guy, but this movie delivers on no level.  None at all.  Except the nice CG.  And that desert shootout with the underground bot was done pretty well, too. 

Avoid absolutely.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 07, 2007, 11:42:32 PM
LOl Willco sez B-!
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 07, 2007, 11:44:13 PM
If you didn't like the action here, that probably goes without saying that you didn't like the movie. :lol
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 07, 2007, 11:46:04 PM
B-? I mean really. Its clear from his previous work that he has no idea how to direct an action sequence.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 07, 2007, 11:46:17 PM
Some of your questions, like half, are actually addressed in the movie, by the way.  It sounds like you just had a terrible time and quit, though.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: demi on July 07, 2007, 11:46:41 PM
Movie-Age starring Matlock Willco

B-
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 07, 2007, 11:46:48 PM
Oh Willco, are you getting paid?
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 07, 2007, 11:46:58 PM
Some of your questions, like half, are actually addressed in the movie, by the way.  It sounds like you just had a terrible time and quit, though.

Really?  Address them, then, because I was paying attention.  I'd like to know what I got wrong.  There were certain complaints I left out because I thought I missed something, and thus figured they might not be valid points.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Lemurs: The Sequel on July 07, 2007, 11:47:08 PM
I'm so glad that the cartoons that I loved as a child will never stand a chance of being raped.

Besides the Simpsons I mean. :[

Powerpuff Girls will forever own. So will Animaniacs.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 07, 2007, 11:47:18 PM
Worst movie I've seen in a theater since either F4 or Day After Tomorrow.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 07, 2007, 11:48:05 PM
B-? I mean really.

Heck, yeah.  It's humorous and fast paced and has imagery that is just unbelievable.  I had a ton of fun.  The plot is preposterous, but it knows its preposterous.  If it had played it seriously, I'd probably gripe more, but it blows it off because it's a light and fun affair.  I can dig that.

If you don't like the robots or the action or the humor or anything, then the plot is not going to keep your butt in the seat.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 07, 2007, 11:48:48 PM
Sounds to me like this movie is just a bad movie when judged against cinematic fundamentals.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 07, 2007, 11:49:25 PM
Don't listen to Willco, this is a bad movie.  I'm all about campy, silly movies that don't take themselves seriously, but that doesn't give them free license to have big ol' plot holes.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: BlueTsunami on July 07, 2007, 11:49:28 PM
I liked it, but I have very cookie cutter tastes when it comes to movies

:shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh
 :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh
 :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh
 :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh
 :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh
 :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh :shh
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 07, 2007, 11:49:34 PM
That's like saying Godzilla movies are bad movies when judge against cinematic fundamentals, MAF. :P
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 07, 2007, 11:50:12 PM
Godzilla movies are better than you know, they're just not FOR you.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 07, 2007, 11:50:35 PM
Don't listen to Willco, this is a bad movie.

Haha, nobody was listening to me anyway. :lol
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: demi on July 07, 2007, 11:50:46 PM
So are you actually serious when they bring eBay into the movie as some plot point?

lol

OH NO HE OUTBID ME ON THE GLASSES WITH TEH SEKRIT MAP BID HIGHER BID HIGHER!!!
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 07, 2007, 11:51:36 PM
So are you actually serious when they bring eBay into the movie as some plot point?

lol

OH NO HE OUTBID ME ON THE GLASSES WITH TEH SEKRIT MAP BID HIGHER BID HIGHER!!!

Nope, I am not kidding. 
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 07, 2007, 11:52:16 PM
Yeah, Sam sells his grandfather's glasses on eBay.  They play it for laughs.  It's funny.  They do address how the map is burned on there.  Also, the Decepticons found out about Sam and Megatron by hacking the DOD servers and whatnot.  How Bumblebee found Sam is kind of a mystery, though.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: BamYouHaveAids on July 07, 2007, 11:53:25 PM
I actually enjoyed 1408 more than Transformers. No shit 1408, that speaks volumes about the value of the Transfomer "movie".
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 07, 2007, 11:54:13 PM
Was 1408 that Stephen King movie/book (I can't keep track)?
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: BlueTsunami on July 07, 2007, 11:54:19 PM
1408 was awesome

Was 1408 that Stephen King movie/book (I can't keep track)?

Yep, inspired by the short story
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: demi on July 07, 2007, 11:54:43 PM
Yeah, Sam sells his grandfather's glasses on eBay.  They play it for laughs.  It's funny.  They do address how the map is burned on there.  Also, the Decepticons found out about Sam and Megatron by hacking the DOD servers and whatnot.  How Bumblebee found Sam is kind of a mystery, though.

Ha.

HAHA
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: FatalT on July 07, 2007, 11:54:52 PM
I liked it.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 07, 2007, 11:55:13 PM
Yeah, Sam sells his grandfather's glasses on eBay.  They play it for laughs.  It's funny.  They do address how the map is burned on there. 

They say the Explorer dude accidentally activated Megatron and he burned the map.  Why would Megatron do that, being that he wants the cube for his own reasons?

Quote
Also, the Decepticons found out about Sam and Megatron by hacking the DOD servers and whatnot.

Actually, they come across Explorer Grandad's name, and then use that to. . .find the ebay auction where the glasses with the map on them just happen  to be on sale.  HOW CONVENIENT!  Don't forget that the Decepticons address Sam by his ebay handle.

Quote
How Bumblebee found Sam is kind of a mystery, though.

I just assumed it was ebay, since Optimus says that's how they knew he had the glasses.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: CajoleJuice on July 07, 2007, 11:56:10 PM
Worst movie I've seen in a theater since either F4 or Day After Tomorrow.

Ah...Day After Tomorrow, a movie I do not hear coming up in godawful movie discussions. It truly sucked big time.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: demi on July 07, 2007, 11:57:49 PM
YOU CANT BUY GOOD FILMMAKING
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 07, 2007, 11:58:09 PM
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN'T BUY ON EBAY?  I'M GOING TO GO BUY SOME STUFF RIGHT NOW

I am already working on writing a Transformers sequel.  Transformers 2:  The Search for the MySpaceahedron
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Bloodwake on July 07, 2007, 11:58:20 PM
Obviously you guys haven't seen the tripe that is Ghost Rider.

Or Van Helsing for that matter.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mupepe on July 08, 2007, 12:00:32 AM
fo real real, tvc?  i didn't care enough about the story to find the holes.  in fact, i just made out between action sequences.  I couldn't tell you anything about the story past the point where they're at the kids parents house.  As soon as I realized the story was crap, I decided tongue action was better than the movie "making sense".
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:00:34 AM
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN'T BUY ON EBAY?  I'M GOING TO GO BUY SOME STUFF RIGHT NOW

:lol

And Prime says he activated not Megatron, but some coordinate system by pressing something (convenient, but not a plot hole).  In the same way that Prime and project coordinates out of his eyes - Megatron did the same.

It matters not, because it's just as preposterous.  Like I said, if you can't enjoy the imagery, action set pieces and humor, then the film can be easily picked apart.  I imagine that some, especially on this board, won't dig it at all.  But that's why opinions exist.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 08, 2007, 12:01:16 AM
Giving Transformers a B- is an obvious case of social promotion.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: BlueTsunami on July 08, 2007, 12:01:55 AM
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mupepe on July 08, 2007, 12:02:16 AM
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
I just watched it for the giant robots and Megan Fox's whoreish body
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:03:12 AM
Or maybe I just had a really, really fun time.  It was also the most fun I've had at the theaters with someone else since Casino Royale.  The audience was really into it and the action moved at a great pace.

I don't know if I'll still hold it in the same regard after multiple viewings and this is one of those movies that does seem like it could easily fall apart once the spectacle wears off.   But for now, it was dollar for dollar, the best experience I had at the cinemas this summer so far.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Bloodwake on July 08, 2007, 12:03:23 AM
Megan Fox's whorish body was the only thing that made me give it a 5/10.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:04:23 AM
Megan Fox's body motivates it from a C to a B.  B for Breasts.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: BlueTsunami on July 08, 2007, 12:04:27 AM
Or maybe I just had a really, really fun time.  It was also the most fun I've had at the theaters with someone else since Casino Royale. 

Same here

Stadium Style seating + an energetic crowd, made it a very fun viewing. The jokes also made me laugh. Come on naw
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 08, 2007, 12:04:32 AM
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mupepe on July 08, 2007, 12:05:12 AM
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:05:28 AM
Stadium Style seating + an energetic crowd, made it a very fun viewing. The jokes also made me laugh. Come on naw

Ditto!

Quote from: Lil' Slugger
Casino Royale, also a boring movie.

Don't try and pull Solo into this!
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 08, 2007, 12:05:43 AM
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN'T BUY ON EBAY?  I'M GOING TO GO BUY SOME STUFF RIGHT NOW

:lol

And Prime says he activated not Megatron, but some coordinate system by pressing something (convenient, but not a plot hole).  In the same way that Prime and project coordinates out of his eyes - Megatron did the same.

This doesn't make sense!  If Prime has power like that, why doesn't he just turn Megatron off during their climactic battle?  How did Prime know the explorer was in front of Megatron just then?  Could Prime see from the eyes of any Transformer?  

Quote
It matters not, because it's just as preposterous.  Like I said, if you can't enjoy the imagery, action set pieces and humor, then the film can be easily picked apart.  I imagine that some, especially on this board, won't dig it at all.  But that's why opinions exist.

You are playing up the humor way too much.  The humor in the movie is mainly limited to self-aware one liners, and there really aren't many of them.  The movie is pretty serious.  Soldiers talking about wanting to be home, an inspirational you're a soldier now line when Sam has to be brave.  The soldier dudes repeat the BRING THE RAIN like some. . .blackhawk down mantra.

Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:08:29 AM
This doesn't make sense!  If Prime has power like that, why doesn't he just turn Megatron off during their climactic battle?  How did Prime know the explorer was in front of Megatron just then?  Could Prime see from the eyes of any Transformer?

Obviously!  They're setting up the inevitable Prime Christ allegory.  Optimus died for your sins!

Quote
You are playing up the humor way too much.  The humor in the movie is mainly limited to self-aware one liners, and there really aren't many of them.

Wow, you must've seen another movie.  There's a ton of humor in the film.  The soldier stuff you mentioned is like three lines in the beginning (except BRING TEH RAIN!).  Pretty much anything that came out of Shia or Anthony Anderson's mouth was a joke, not to mention Turturro hammin' it up, Shia's folks, Bernie Mac, etc.  The movie was pretty much funny throughout, up until the inner city climax, which was just pure carnage.

Even CrystalGemini thought it was funny, and I didn't know if she would dig it - being a chick and all, not a big Transformers demo.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Bloodwake on July 08, 2007, 12:10:44 AM
The REAL question here is what's worse: The Sector 7 bullshit (what a fucking trainwreck of a plot introduction) or the abysmal 30 minute Michael Bay choppy incoherent action sequence closer?
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 08, 2007, 12:10:47 AM

Wow, you must've seen another movie.

I think that's pretty clear, Mr. B-.

Quote
There's a ton of humor in the film.  The soldier stuff you mentioned is like three lines in the beginning (except BRING TEH RAIN!).  Pretty much anything that came out of Shia or Anthony Anderson's mouth was a joke, not to mention Turturro hammin' it up, Shia's folks, Bernie Mac, etc.

Ah, I guess I have to concede that, with a caveat:  I think I forgot about all of that because all of the humor takes place in the first half to two thirds of the movie. . .and it isn't particularly good (except Bernie <3).
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Bloodwake on July 08, 2007, 12:11:48 AM

Wow, you must've seen another movie.

I think that's pretty clear, Mr. B-.

Quote
There's a ton of humor in the film.  The soldier stuff you mentioned is like three lines in the beginning (except BRING TEH RAIN!).  Pretty much anything that came out of Shia or Anthony Anderson's mouth was a joke, not to mention Turturro hammin' it up, Shia's folks, Bernie Mac, etc.

Ah, I guess I have to concede that, with a caveat:  I think I forgot about all of that because all of the humor takes place in the first half to two thirds of the movie.

Yeah, the first half was watchable because I was chuckling. That was about it.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:13:30 AM
The REAL question here is what's worse: The Sector 7 bullshit (what a fucking trainwreck of a plot introduction) or the abysmal 30 minute Michael Bay choppy incoherent action sequence closer?

Sector 7, for sure.  John Turturro was a nice change of pace, but chewed scenery like nobody's business.  Not to mention that you could've scrapped that entire subplot and made it significantly shorter.  There had to be another way to conveniently place all the characters together.  That's the biggest weak link in the script.

I really dug the climax.  My only gripe is one of TVC's valid complaints - ILM and Bay focused design on just one or two Autobots and Deceptions.  The rest look too alike, and it's harder to track who is who.  Optimus and Bumblebee are easy to spot, as were Megatron and Bonecrusher.  Outside of them, it was like a mosh pit of metal.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 08, 2007, 12:15:16 AM
For the most part, the movie was trying to be an action comedy, but it repeatedly went back to earnest, slow-motion shots of soldiers gearing up for duty.  It was a pretty jarring tone shift, and I'm not sure what the point was.

The comedy for the most part was either really obvious gags (the robot's PEEING on him!) or someone trying to do schtick who couldn't pull it off.  It was like LaBeouf was trying to channel a nebbish version of Vince Vaughn, and it was just awful.  This is from someone who actually likes both Vaughn and LaBeouf.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:17:09 AM
I don't think military and gun porn made it any more serious than it was trying to be - in fact it was pretty awesome.  Bay makes the military look sexy.  If they military was smart, they'd put recruiters outside the theaters.

I thought Shia nailed it and carried the film.  If he wasn't likable and humorous, the film would've completely fell apart.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 08, 2007, 12:17:45 AM
Also, did Shia LeBouf's dressed like a hooker girlfriend actually do anything in the movie?  More fat that could have been trimmed.  The only reason her character was in the movie was to look like a hooker.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:18:14 AM
I wish she had a bigger role.  And by bigger, I mean without clothes.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 08, 2007, 12:21:53 AM
Also, I am fairly sure the only reason this movie is rated PG-13 is for vulgarity.  Aside from some disintegrated soldiers at the beginning, there are no on-screen human deaths.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Bloodwake on July 08, 2007, 12:23:29 AM
I don't think military and gun porn made it any more serious than it was trying to be - in fact it was pretty awesome.  Bay makes the military look sexy.  If they military was smart, they'd put recruiters outside the theaters.

I thought Shia nailed it and carried the film.  If he wasn't likable and humorous, the film would've completely fell apart.

Yeah, another one of the few positive parts about the movie, and why him being in Indy IV is definitely good news. I had no problem with Shia, and I just really want to see him do a part other than LOL IM IN HIGH SCHOOL. Unfortunately, the other two things just destroyed it for me. I was actually semi enjoying it until Sector 7 came out of nowhere and raped the film. The last thirty minutes wasn't even a fucking action sequence. It was confusing (partially because of the Transformers looking similar to each other, mostly because Michael Bay has to use a different shot every .5 seconds destroying any attempt to actually comprehend any of the action on screen).
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:23:35 AM
People are crushed by stuff in the climax, but nothing up close and personal for the viewer to see.  Why would they make a crazy violent movie?  They want to sell toys, merchandise and the new animated cartoon.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Bloodwake on July 08, 2007, 12:24:19 AM
Also, I am fairly sure the only reason this movie is rated PG-13 is for vulgarity.  Aside from some disintegrated soldiers at the beginning, there are no on-screen human deaths.

Shocker: it was at one point rated R... at least that was what the rumor was.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 08, 2007, 12:26:06 AM
People are crushed by stuff in the climax, but nothing up close and personal for the viewer to see.  Why would they make a crazy violent movie?  They want to sell toys, merchandise and the new animated cartoon.

Well, I mean, I was surprised when I heard it was rated PG-13.  I figured there must have been a reason it got that rating.  Not that I was looking for something violent, I was just wondering why it got that rating.

And the thing about Shia is that he has a really greasy head.  His melon looks like the sort of thing BK Beast would put on a bun and munch on.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:26:18 AM
Yeah, the MPAA will hand it out if they think the film is too intense or if they make it too obvious that people died during the destruction of a city/base/town/whatever.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:27:37 AM
Bay always oils up his leads - look at the entire film.  He likes that sweaty look.  Hell, look at his filmography, he does it all the time.  It can be distracting.  I'm like, "That doesn't look like sweat, it looks like lube!"
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: AdmiralViscen on July 08, 2007, 12:29:30 AM
I don't understand this "it was a fun time" shit with movies. How do you "have fun" with a movie that's insulting your intelligence? If I'm rolling my eyes, I can't enjoy myself. I'm looking at you, Spider-Man.

Even so, what's fun about sitting there? The only movie I can think of that could be justifiably called fun was 300.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 12:30:49 AM
Depending on the presentation, the material and the audience - theater experiences can be a ton of fun.  If you don't get it, well, that's just kind of an experience thing.  It's why I usually see dumb blockbusters in theaters, because they lose that feeling at home.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mupepe on July 08, 2007, 12:35:31 AM
Depending on the presentation, the material and the audience - theater experiences can be a ton of fun.  If you don't get it, well, that's just kind of an experience thing.  It's why I usually see dumb blockbusters in theaters, because they lose that feeling at home.
ONLY IF YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS WILLCO
:wag

:heartbeat
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Lemurs: The Sequel on July 08, 2007, 12:48:10 AM
Was Transformers in essence... lubing up the wine bottle of your childhood and inserting it forcefully into the anus of your inner child?
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 08, 2007, 12:49:41 AM
dumb people give dumb blockbusters dumb scores
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Beezy on July 08, 2007, 12:50:13 AM
wine bottle of your childhood
What does this even mean?
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Van Cruncheon on July 08, 2007, 12:59:12 AM
oh, willco

i loved house of the dead, and i'd still give it an f.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Lemurs: The Sequel on July 08, 2007, 01:03:43 AM
I'm using the wine bottle as a physical representative of your childhood.

I chose a wine bottle in particular because it can, with little elbow grease and lubriderm, be inserted into the ass and/or vagina with minimal bleeding. The flared design of the bottle prevents it (in most cases) from becoming lodged in the rectum. Which is a safety feature not found in other objects such as cucumbers, bananas, and carrots. Often the use of such objects results in a trip to a medical professionals office.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 08, 2007, 01:08:09 AM
I think willco confuses attempted humor with actual humor
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Van Cruncheon on July 08, 2007, 01:08:28 AM
someone please excise lemurs' chancrous humor gland
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 08, 2007, 01:21:13 AM
I don't think military and gun porn made it any more serious than it was trying to be - in fact it was pretty awesome.

...
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mondain on July 08, 2007, 01:22:04 AM
thx for the unbiased impressions, I was intrigued by it for a while because Violating found that it was one of the best action movies of the last few years, even if I thought that as a long time Transformers fan, he was possibly just forcing himself to like it... now it's pretty much confirmed, how could this movie not be a disaster?

I'll just wait to rent it on Blu-Ray

is this the kind of flick which is so bad that it's good if you like to watch mediocre things just to laugh at them?
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: ferrarimanf355 on July 08, 2007, 01:27:05 AM
I now have one more reason to hate you.  :maf
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 01:27:49 AM
I'm sorry, Mandark - I'm a sucker for the LETS ROLL OUT AND SHOOT 'EM UP military bravado. :-*

Quote from: Lil' Slugger
I think willco confuses attempted humor with actual humor

Hey, I'm all for subjective poppycock, but by other folks' admissions (including those who didn't care for the movie), it was very much humorous.

And unlike House of the Dead, Drinky, Bay & Co. have achieved something no others have ever done - realistic, giant robots blowing shit up in a way only giant robots can.  It's all live action.  It doesn't look fake.  And that imagery alone sells the film for me - it's that awesome.  I didn't expect the humor or quick pace, which catapults the film to the top of the dumb blockbuster heap.  It won't win any end of the year honors, not even from me, but it's a very enjoyable and fun film that easily ranks amongst the best Hollywood has churned out for its tentpole flicks in recent years.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TVC15 on July 08, 2007, 01:32:14 AM
Imagery?  Dude, aside from nice looking CG, the direction is so merely competent that that this could have been a SciFi Channel movie (not counting the action sequences, which are sub-competent).

And no, Mondain, it's not so bad it's good.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 08, 2007, 01:34:41 AM
And unlike House of the Dead, Drinky, Bay & Co. have achieved something no others have ever done - realistic, giant robots blowing shit up in a way only giant robots can.

Dude, War of the Worlds.  Unless it's really important that the giant machines in an action sequence are sentient, rather than having pilots, which seems kind of beside the point.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 01:35:04 AM
I don't get how anyone could think Michael Bay is not a competent action director.  For my money, he's the best second unit director in the business parading as an actual director.  I love the way he shoots action, I just wish he'd expand on his style.  He's been reusing too many shots from Bad Boys and Armageddon.

War of the Worlds featured walking things shooting lasers at people, Mandark.  Not even in the same ballpark.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: demi on July 08, 2007, 01:36:48 AM
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/comments/?entryid=432709

Quote
"Tom had one creative meeting with me for one hour and ten minutes to be exact about a year ago. He told he was the über fan boy and was going to protect me from the minefields. The type of minefields on the Net like 'Damn you Michael Bay' 'You wrecked my childhood Michael Bay' and other various web death threats I received. Tom proceeded to tell me how much he had problems with the robot designs and script issues. I realized he was worlds apart in my vision. I said thank you very much, and then showed him my office door - I never really spoke to him again other then to mutter hello. He would occasionally come to the set with guests like it was some theme park. I never spoke creatively with Don. I read his notes kind of trashing the script and making me and the writers feel like a big shit pile. But during production Don was nice to me, he knew I was not going to talk creative with him.

One day not too long ago, the writers of our movie Alex and Bob called me in a panic saying all of a sudden after the movie was almost finished in post that Tom was applying for writer's or story credit. I was appalled because neither the writer's nor I ever saw any treatment. Well, he applied for credit, but the Writer's Guild shot him down, denied him.

But what made my blood curl was something that was on the Net with Tom at the Saturn awards on IESB.net where they interviewed him about the movie - a movie I might add he had not seen yet. He acted very much like he did. Check it out as he vamps through the questions, and how Hugo put his 'thumb print on it'. Give me a break, the guy was lying through his teeth - he had seen nada, nothing, until the press screening."
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 01:37:34 AM
Michael Bay is definitely an egomaniac.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: ferrarimanf355 on July 08, 2007, 01:39:30 AM
YOU CANT BUY GOOD EXPLOSIONS THE SIZE OF CUBA
Fixt.  ;) >:(
spoiler (click to show/hide)
:-*
[close]
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mondain on July 08, 2007, 01:45:20 AM
well, I found Enemy of the State to be fairly entertaining...
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 08, 2007, 01:50:24 AM
Were ANY of the plotlines really necessary?  Pretty much the entire movie is killing time until the robots finally fight.  You could ditch the love interest, the parents, 90% of the military stuff, Sector 7, the arctic flashbacks, The Crocodile Hacker, and it wouldn't hurt the movie at all.

I think that's the big structural flaw.  The Transformers are the basis for the climax, but up to that point they're guests in their own movie.  It's all based on getting to that one huge fight scene at the end, which is expected, but it doesn't build to the fight scene, it just sort of kills time on other things until they finally have it.

Is there another popcorn flick where the main protagonists in the climactic fight scene are minor characters up to that point?
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: TakingBackSunday on July 08, 2007, 02:05:16 AM
 :-\

Anyone trying to go into this movie for any reason OTHER than seeing shit blown up is pretty fucking stupid.  It was a mindless, entertaining action movie.  Probably won't ever see it again, but I don't really care.  I had fun with my friends when I saw it, and that's all that matters.

Again, Evilbore goes way way way WAAYYY to far into a movie to try and break it down, when really all these summer movies try to do is fucking get your blood pumping..  You don't have to follow a plot, no matter what its quality, to get this.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 08, 2007, 02:08:22 AM
But there are good dumb entertaining movies, and bad dumb entertaining movies.

Something can be lowbrow and action-oriented without being, you know, shitty.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: The Fake Shemp on July 08, 2007, 02:09:42 AM
That's obviously where there is a divide, though - some folks don't think it's shitty. ;)
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 08, 2007, 02:53:05 AM
SOME folks are still getting a contact high off a good audience reaction.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 08, 2007, 02:55:07 AM
Haha, Bay 2nd best at directing action. Holy shit, THATS comedy.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Bloodwake on July 08, 2007, 02:57:22 AM
Haha, Bay 2nd best at directing action. Holy shit, THATS comedy.

Yeah. I think I can direct a better action sequence with my penis.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Solo on July 08, 2007, 09:31:01 AM
Its clear from his previous work that he has no idea how to direct an action sequence.

Its clear from his previous work that the only thing he can do well is direct an action sequence. Lay off the drugs/Picket Fences, MAF.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: BamYouHaveAids on July 08, 2007, 10:51:51 AM
1408 was awesome

Was 1408 that Stephen King movie/book (I can't keep track)?

Yep, inspired by the short story
Whatchusay?
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Disposable White Guy on July 08, 2007, 11:00:10 AM
The movie certainly suffered from lack of giant robots fighting each other.  Being reminded LOL DIS B Y TEH ROBUTZ HAV 2 FITE every ten minutes got annoying, but at least Anthony Anderson's scenes were memorable.  Seriously.  He ate the whole fucking plate of donuts man!
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: DJ_Tet on July 08, 2007, 12:15:11 PM
I've seen it twice now.  It's definitely not perfect, but let's just say I'm not surprised at the usuals complaining in this thread.  I thought it was good fun, although it definitely drug a little the second time around.  Still, dlp let me see the fights much more clearly so that was worth it.

As far as the glasses and the map, that's the sorest subject to me, and no, activating Megatrons 'navigational' system doesn't really cover that plot hole for me.  As far as why Prime couldn't use the eBay page though, I'd say it's cause he couldn't 'shoot his layzor' at a screen and make the holographic map appear.

Quote
Similarly, how did they move the allspark at all?  Why did Sector 7 decide to build their top secret super base in a famous tourist destination?

These questions haven't been addressed, so I'll do so.  The didn't move the All Spark.  They built the dam around the All Spark where it was.  Which answers your second question.  The real question is, if the Hoover Dam is such an important location, why turn it into a famous tourist destination?  Unless making it a military base would seem too obvious.  The marine asks if there is a weapons room in the dam, you'd think there would be a whole arsenal there.

Still, if you can't enjoy Blackout destroying a military base like a real life mech, I don't know what to tell you.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: ferrarimanf355 on July 08, 2007, 01:11:08 PM
(http://rsk.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/pRS1C-3828096_rshalt1_dt.jpg)
I'm so buying this.  :-*
http://www.radioshack.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2776071
And they also have Barricade!  :-*
(http://rsk.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/pRS1C-3828095_rshalt1_dt.jpg)
http://www.radioshack.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2776070
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: brawndolicious on July 08, 2007, 02:15:14 PM
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/news/comments/?entryid=432709

Quote
Michael Bay has returned to the sounding board with his latest blog entry, this time in response to media suggestions that "Transformers" producers Tom DeSanto and Don Murphy had more than a little bit of influence on the massive [financial] success that is "Transformers."

So naturally, while on press rounds to promote "Transformers," Bay felt the need to obliterate the mere suggestion that Tom DeSanto and Don Murphy deserve credit for the film's success. Here's his full three paragraphs on the subject, thanks to some quick-thinking archiving by Deadline Hollywood Daily's Nikki Finke (the blog post has since been removed):

"Tom had one creative meeting with me for one hour and ten minutes to be exact about a year ago. He told he was the über fan boy and was going to protect me from the minefields. The type of minefields on the Net like 'Damn you Michael Bay' 'You wrecked my childhood Michael Bay' and other various web death threats I received. Tom proceeded to tell me how much he had problems with the robot designs and script issues. I realized he was worlds apart in my vision. I said thank you very much, and then showed him my office door - I never really spoke to him again other then to mutter hello. He would occasionally come to the set with guests like it was some theme park. I never spoke creatively with Don. I read his notes kind of trashing the script and making me and the writers feel like a big shit pile. But during production Don was nice to me, he knew I was not going to talk creative with him.

One day not too long ago, the writers of our movie Alex and Bob called me in a panic saying all of a sudden after the movie was almost finished in post that Tom was applying for writer's or story credit. I was appalled because neither the writer's nor I ever saw any treatment. Well, he applied for credit, but the Writer's Guild shot him down, denied him.

But what made my blood curl was something that was on the Net with Tom at the Saturn awards on IESB.net where they interviewed him about the movie - a movie I might add he had not seen yet. He acted very much like he did. Check it out as he vamps through the questions, and how Hugo put his 'thumb print on it'. Give me a break, the guy was lying through his teeth - he had seen nada, nothing, until the press screening."

apparently he purposely destroyed any potential it had to be a good transformers movie.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Lemurs: The Sequel on July 08, 2007, 02:44:47 PM
It's like I just stepped into the break room at a Hollywood diner.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Himu on July 08, 2007, 03:55:16 PM
What's with the emphasis on the humans instead of the autobots
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: bud on July 08, 2007, 03:55:44 PM
What, True Lies isn't that great.  I like the rest of Cameron's filmography, with the exception of Titanic, but if you're asking me which I enjoyed more - the Bay-helmed popcorn flick about giant transforming robots or the decent action flick with weird pacing/tone/structure issues, I pick ROBOTS.

Not really.  I like them both about the same, though. :P
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Himu on July 08, 2007, 03:57:54 PM
Obviously you guys haven't seen the tripe that is Ghost Rider.

Or Van Helsing for that matter.

Ghost Rider ruled.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: MrAngryFace on July 08, 2007, 04:13:20 PM
Solo: Your taste in movies = bad.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: bud on July 08, 2007, 04:30:45 PM
What, True Lies isn't that great.  I like the rest of Cameron's filmography, with the exception of Titanic, but if you're asking me which I enjoyed more - the Bay-helmed popcorn flick about giant transforming robots or the decent action flick with weird pacing/tone/structure issues, I pick ROBOTS.

Not really.  I like them both about the same, though. :P
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Mandark on July 08, 2007, 04:39:34 PM
What's with the emphasis on the humans instead of the autobots

They decided to make an ensemble disaster movie like Day After Tomorrow or ID4, then tack on a big robot fight at the end.

If you're going to have a big fight to the death between robots, then establish the robots as characters, or at least as formidable fighting machines, rather than comic relief and exposition factories.  Any decent action movie builds up stuff for the last fight.

Spider-Man has skirmishes with the Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus.  The T-800 and T-1000 beat up on each other and on third parties.  The shark in Jaws kills civilians and takes three barrels under the boat.  Hector kills Ajax and Achilles kills everyone.  The predator kills one future governor before fighting the other.  Every Bond villain gets some bodies under his or her belt.  The uruk-hai in FOTR is shown repeatedly, and gets to kill Boromir.  Etc.

The movie didn't really have to be well-written for it to do a better job than it did.  Just follow some of the basic rules.
Title: Re: Shocking: Wow, Transformers was an abysmal movie
Post by: Himu on July 08, 2007, 05:00:26 PM
Spider-Man has skirmishes with the Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus.  The T-800 and T-1000 beat up on each other and on third parties.  The shark in Jaws kills civilians and takes three barrels under the boat.  Hector kills Ajax and Achilles kills everyone.  The predator kills one future governor before fighting the other.  Every Bond villain gets some bodies under his or her belt.  The uruk-hai in FOTR is shown repeatedly, and gets to kill Boromir.  Etc.

The movie didn't really have to be well-written for it to do a better job than it did.  Just follow some of the basic rules.

Basically.