THE BORE
General => The Superdeep Borehole => Topic started by: Van Cruncheon on November 23, 2006, 12:44:36 PM
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Alright, this isn't much of a book review, since I got no more than ten pages into it at B&N without wanting to vomit my macchiato. An internet scalawag at another forum I frequent described it as "the world's worst Star Wars and Lord of the Rings crossover fanfic ever penned by a clueless fifteen-year-old." Really, that about sums it up. Chris Paolini got lucky when his asshole connected parents managed to crest the Harry Potter teen lit wave and got his shitty fanfic not only published but distributed to every fuckin' major retailer in existence. (No; I'm not bitter!) My wife, who worked at B&N when it came out, said that they were told to sell it as a book "by a teenager, for a teenager".
Here's a quote from the novel I dredged up by typing "Eragon bad writing" into Google, which unsurprisingly churned up about ten zillion hits:
Every day since leaving the outpost of Ceris was a hazy dream of warm afternoons spent
paddling up Eldor Lake and then the Gaena River. All around them, water gurgled through the tunnel of verdant pines that wound ever deeper into Du Weldenvarden.
Eragon found traveling with the elves delightful. Narí and Lifaen were perpetually smiling, laughing, and singing songs, especially when Saphira was around. They rarely looked elsewhere or spoke of another subject but her in her presence.
However, the elves were not human, no matter the similarity of appearance. They moved too quickly, too fluidly, for creatures born of simple flesh and blood. And when they spoke, they often used roundabout expressions and aphorisms that left Eragon more confused than when they began. In between their bursts of merriment, Lifaen and Narí would remain silent for hours, observing their surroundings with a glow of peaceful rapture on their faces. If Eragon or Orik attempted to talk with them during their contemplation, they would receive only a word or two in response.
If you don't know what makes this writing disgustingly amateurish and purple -- hint: spot the cliches and redundancies, as well as the bizarre mood shift -- then congratulations! Paolini has found his audience. You should consider other great "literature" such as the exactly 14,115 novels penned by professional manchild and pedestrian pervert Piers Anthony.
I provide this shitty review just to tell some of you fucks to STAY AWAY FROM THE FUCKING MOVIE ADAPTATION AND QUIT ENCOURAGING THIS SHIT.
I give Eragon one-and-a-half stoned Dan Hsu's out of ten.
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God that's some bullshit writing right there.
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Goddamn, I hate the commercials for the videogame they play before EVERY FUCKING MOVIE at my local theater. "Eragon is not only the movie of the year, but the game of the year."
Fuck that noise. >:(
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i heard if you read it as though it was a LARP session it makes the book more entertaining.
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Anyone notice "Eragon" is "Dragon" just one letter later?
So terrible.
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:lol
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Anyone notice "Eragon" is "Dragon" just one letter later?
So terrible.
Publisher guy: Hey this kid submitted a book called e-Dragon, can we publich this shit?
Other guy: Here just combine it and ride the Harry Potter Wave. Eragon! See.
Publisher guy: Genius!!
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Eragon is actually supposed to be Aragon, but he didn't want to get sued.
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Aragorn (son of Arathorn, Dunedain and last of the sons of Westernesse)
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SO GUYS APPARENTLY I'M A VIRGIN AGAIN
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That paragraph was somewhat painful to read.
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Aragorn (son of Arathorn, Dunedain and last of the sons of Westernesse)
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SO GUYS APPARENTLY I'M A VIRGIN AGAIN
:lol
Sorry, it was a typo. I blame having to read that Eragon excerpt you posted.
EDIT: Your book reviews rock, please keep 'em coming!
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I'm gonna review the new Pynchon book next, but I'm currently finishing up PKD's VALIS (which is shockingly good albeit depressing). After that, it's Night Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko, from which that shitty movie was adapted. I shift from highbrow shizniz to pulp drek at the tip of my scuffy beret.
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I am interested in Night Watch. I thought the movie was entertaining, if nothing but a giant cocktease - what's next?
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VALIS is good.
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For once, I agree completely with you guys.
That paragraph was a steaming pile of fucking horse shit.
Sort of like the movie and the fucking game commercials. They also look like steaming piles of fucking horse shit.
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I sort of hope Paolini gets very serious about his craft later on, only to find himself denied any credibility because of Eragon. Or someone could just punch him in the nuts until he agrees to sign his royalty checks over to me (are you listening, my Secret Santa?).
Keep the reviews coming, and see if you can get drohne in on it. I'm always on the lookout for credible opinions on literature I can appropriate without having read the book.
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Wow, I have a hard time that's a published paragraph. And I assume this is the basis for the new movie too. Unreal, that motherfucker must have gotten paid huh.
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I like Piers Anthony :lol
Even though he writes like a 12 year old.
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BUMP FOR THE MOVIE.
Also, Amazon has 2400 reviews of the book posted, with an average of 4 stars -- and half of them are from obvious script accounts, like D1 through D50.
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awesome wicked forever book! 4 stars!
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Finally, a series that doesn't make me feel so guilty for enjoying Weis and Hickman.
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But the movie has
(http://img127.imageshack.us/img127/2183/sienna1cn0.png)
:heartbeat
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Wow somehow I missed this thread when it was just posted but jesus fuck that excerpt was painful to read, I could come up with something better while drunk
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Chances are, if you enjoyed the book you're probably one of these guys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ufaBKdY60w
Honestly, I've contemplated writing stuff in this genre before and keep coming back to the terrifying prospect of associating myself with "authors" like this idiot child. Not a fun prospect.
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I am going follow this kid's model.
Brace yourself for Will Federman's DRAGON WARS: EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MUGGLE, the fantasy epic based on the life of Luke Staragorn, the last of the human sorcerors who teams up with an old wizard, two dwarves and a ranger named Han Strider to defeat the evil empire run by Vaderauron who has kidnapped a fair princess named Areah.
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I'm going to rent the X360 game because of this thread
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(http://img390.imageshack.us/img390/9292/eragonri7.jpg)
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Wow, your queue sucks. 66% suck ratio.
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I already rented all the good ones
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(http://img390.imageshack.us/img390/9292/eragonri7.jpg)
How'd that old saw go? DO NOT BELIEVE MY GAME IMPRESSIONS, I believe.
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Why wouldn't you believe my game impressions? I'm actually playing these games.
http://profile.mygamercard.net/demifish
By all means, FEEL FREE to suggest something to rent.
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I am going follow this kid's model.
Brace yourself for Will Federman's DRAGON WARS: EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MUGGLE, the fantasy epic based on the life of Luke Staragorn, the last of the human sorcerors who teams up with an old wizard, two dwarves and a ranger named Han Strider to defeat the evil empire run by Vaderauron who has kidnapped a fair princess named Areah.
OMG, in the next part Anakon Yotter totally wins the space soccey tournament, and then he goes and destroys the evil wizard Voldertine who runs the evil Galactic Magic Nazis
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Why wouldn't you believe my game impressions? I'm actually playing these games.
http://profile.mygamercard.net/demifish
By all means, FEEL FREE to suggest something to rent.
You need less filler, more killer. Also, the fact that you willingly played PSU taints your opinion on pretty much EVERYTHING.
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Ok, so what is "killer"? I've probably played it, did you see my gamertag list of games? What am I missing? Do you want me to rent Perfect Dark Zero? Is that what you are saying?
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Ok, so what is "killer"? I've probably played it, did you see my gamertag list of games? What am I missing? Do you want me to rent Perfect Dark Zero? Is that what you are saying?
No Pinatas = no sale. Honestly dude, you play too many games for me to trust your opinion on the topic. When someone is that immersed in something, they'll forgive things that shouldn't be forgiven just so they can stay with the hobby.
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Pinata isn't really a game you can rent.
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Pinata isn't really a game you can rent.
It's worth owning!
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I don't think I can believe the impressions of someone who hasn't played it.
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I don't think I can believe the impressions of someone who hasn't played it.
I played it for about a half a day at a friend's place. I need to get a 360, tho. :(
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Ok, I was planning on getting it somehow.
I was going to try and coax White Man into getting it because he's so malleable like that.
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(http://img381.imageshack.us/img381/1401/heeheerj3.jpg)
hee hee hee
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(http://img381.imageshack.us/img381/1401/heeheerj3.jpg)
hee hee hee
You have every achievement from Open Season. What do you do all day, Demi?
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I'm depressed.
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Turns out I am seeing this movie this weekend even though I really have no interest.
This mess of a movie will make 200+ million wont it? :-\
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Why? you have the freedom of choice!
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Why? you have the freedom of choice!
not really
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But the movie has
(http://img127.imageshack.us/img127/2183/sienna1cn0.png)
:heartbeat
:heartbeat :heartbeat :heartbeat
I'll probably search youtube for all her scenes in the movie...opposed to actually watching the movie.