THE BORE

General => The Superdeep Borehole => Topic started by: Howard Alan Treesong on February 09, 2007, 05:28:18 PM

Title: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: Howard Alan Treesong on February 09, 2007, 05:28:18 PM

    I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

    It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

    The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

    I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

    TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN’T LIKE:

    COOL THING ONE:
    HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

    Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

    COOL THING TWO:
    FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

    Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

    Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

    NOT SO GOOD THING:
    DUDE NUDITY (“DUDE-ITY”)

    These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

    Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

    Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

    My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: Verboten on February 09, 2007, 05:29:53 PM

 :lol I can't wait, just four more weeks!

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: MrAngryFace on February 09, 2007, 05:31:48 PM

Haha I love that review.

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: Himu on February 09, 2007, 05:32:51 PM

Fucking awesome

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: MrAngryFace on February 09, 2007, 05:33:24 PM

I wasnt going to see it, but now I must.

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: G The Resurrected on February 09, 2007, 05:34:55 PM

thats a kick ass fucking review. Makes me even more pumped to see the movie. I know its gonna rock. But will it rock that much. We will see.

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: Vizzys on February 09, 2007, 05:38:18 PM

Quote

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

:rofl

I will see this.

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: Van Cruncheon on February 09, 2007, 06:17:41 PM

wow, that's a pretty high standard of AWESOME!

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: CajoleJuice on February 09, 2007, 07:17:41 PM

This movie is going to rock my face.

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: cloudwalking on February 09, 2007, 07:18:44 PM

i'm going to go see it just for the dude-ity :hyper

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: Solo on February 10, 2007, 08:57:01 AM

Everything that made this movie look distinguished mentally-challenged is confirmed.

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: makaveli on February 10, 2007, 10:41:26 AM

movie looks gay it seems to be the internet circ jerk movie

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: FlameOfCallandor on February 10, 2007, 11:15:52 AM

The movie looks great, but come on. AICN ejaculate to just about any movie. Harry knowles even busted a load over fucking Alexander. His credibility is worthless.

Title: Re: I copied this excellent review of 300 from AICN
Post by: Verboten on February 10, 2007, 11:56:56 AM

Quote from: makaveli on February 10, 2007, 10:41:26 AM

movie looks gay it seems to be the internet circ jerk movie

Not for this quote alone, but you've got to be one of the most clueless posters of the year. Don't take offense to that, it's quite charming.