bedtime conversations with three-year-olds

[Van Cruncheon]

"daddy, it's time to talk."

"okay, but i'm not gonna sing to you if we chat. what do you want to talk about, sweetie?"

"daddy, do boys have butts in the front?"

"oh jesus."

"in the front is a butt." *points at her crotch*

"boys and girls have butts in the back. the butt is where poop comes from. what's in the front, uh, what girls have, uh, is called a vulva."

"a bulba is a butt?"

"no. it's er, ah, uh, well, it's where pee comes from with girls, and it's not a butt."

"it's a butt in the front!"

"no no no. in the front, that's a vulva."

"oh. cousin elliott has a tail in front!"

"i am going to sing to you now. we shall never talk again."

note to self: go back in time, punch self in crotch repeatedly. :'( also: consider a monastic life.

[CajoleJuice]

hahahaha

[Beezy]

"oh. cousin elliott has a tail in front!"

[demi]

DOLORES!!!!

[Oblivion]

This is why I'll never have kids.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

Well, that and the impotence.

[close]

[Smooth Groove]

Why don't you tell her to ask Mommy instead? 

[Van Cruncheon]

whenever fuckin "cousin elliott" has to go to the bathroom, he yanks his pants and underwear off WHERE HE IS STANDING, and THEN TRUNDLES OFF TO THE BATHROOM. as a result, i hafta explain this sordid business of genitalia.

[Madrun Badrun]

What do you sing to your daughter?

spoiler (click to show/hide)

post a sound file! 

[close]

[TVC15]

This cousin elliott character sounds like an exhibitionist.  I bet he grows up to be The Minotaur someday.

[Van Cruncheon]

i sing

take me out to the ballgame
itsy bitsy spider
i'll tell me ma (an irish folksong)
twinkle twinkle little star

usually in exactly that order.

[lordmaji]

you had this conversation w/ your child?

[CajoleJuice]

i sing

take me out to the ballgame

Drinky awesomeness confirmed.

[Van Cruncheon]

This cousin elliott character sounds like an exhibitionist.  I bet he grows up to be The Minotaur someday.

this would not even surprise me. he is a brilliant and monstrous child.

[Madrun Badrun]

i sing

take me out to the ballgame
itsy bitsy spider
i'll tell me ma (an irish folksong)
twinkle twinkle little star

usually in exactly that order.

How boring.  I'd rather talk about vaginas any day. 

[CajoleJuice]

This cousin elliott character sounds like an exhibitionist.  I bet he grows up to be The Minotaur someday.

this would not even surprise me. he is a brilliant and monstrous child.

So it's like that Curb episode?

[Van Cruncheon]

not with my daughter you don't, you cravat-sporting pervo

[The Fake Shemp]

Cousin Elliot must be stopped.  For your child's sake.

[Powerslave]

this isnt even real

[Madrun Badrun]

not with my daughter you don't, you cravat-sporting pervo

I didn't mean it that way! 

[Van Cruncheon]

he's honestly unstoppable. he's a month younger than my daughter, but is more articulate than most five year olds, and is HUGE. he dwarfs my daughter. my brother has taught him to sock adult males in the scrotum for everyone's amusement. he is a fearsome nordbrood horror.

[Van Cruncheon]

this isnt even real

it is 95% real. the last line is faked, because i didn't want to type up a bunch of giggling and father mocking repetition.

[CajoleJuice]

this isnt even real

@ your new avatar

[drew]

 

classic

[The Fake Shemp]

he's honestly unstoppable. he's a month younger than my daughter, but is more articulate than most five year olds, and is HUGE. he dwarfs my daughter. my brother has taught him to suck adult males in the scrotum for everyone's amusement. he is a fearsome nordbrood horror.

 

[Himu]

[Joe Molotov]

Tell her that Cousin Elliot has a tail because he is a freak of nature, and that's why you're going to have to put him down.

[T234]

I couldn't imagine having such a conversation.