Degenerate is Coldly Dismembered By The Surgeon
FROM SEATTLE, IN THE COLD WASTES OF WASHINGTON - Those holding vigil for White "TVC 15" Man (a local buffoon and man of ill-repute), following his sudden ailment were delivered most grim knowledge this morn.
Though the physicians tried all procedures known to medical science, including bleeding, leeches, fire, and virgin-squirt, nothing could stabilize the foul humours in White Man's lower extremities. Surgeons were forced to put the saw to both legs while White Man lay somnolent under the fumes of ether.
The legs, once cleaved from the body, were then dressed with the finest perfumes, denuded, and the bones ground up in the pestle.
"The powdered bone of a sodomite's legs, when mixed with sheep's fat," proclaims the surgeon, "is well known to produce a soothing balm, a curative for any prince or duke suffering from the eczema." His leg-flesh was burned, and the ash spread upon unclean ground, "for the degenerate was known to have taken many nocous concoctions of the apothecary."
White Man rests at bed today, attended to by unclean nursemaids who must drain the pus from his fetid leg nubbins. His own psychic energies, most drained by this ordeal, take a hiatus as he points his eyes on the lightning box, which displays the hullabaloo of a family of merry-andrews whose dwelling is near bursting from prodigious occupancy.
The physicians say that once the pus has been dammed, "We will affix riggings of wood and ivory to the stumps." The local diocese disagrees, saying that such machinations will only speed the wretch back into his wanton lifestyle.
"This is a calling from The Good LORD to assume a humble manner," says the bishop, "And so this man of debased posture will crawl upon his belly like the slimy reptile, and be most blessed for it."
