Author Topic: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY  (Read 3690 times)

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GilloD

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THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE EPIC SAGE OF GILLOD AT WORK.

SO, we hired this guy to replace me. I am essentially irreplaceable, but whatever. Even in this economy, we only got like 3 applicants. The first guy we really liked, but it turned out that he lied up and down on his resume. So, with the clock ticking we picked up the other guy who applied (The 3rd guy was like way,way,way,way overqualified, like when Kosma applied to BK). Today is his 34th birthday. He dresses like he's 16 and made at his Dad. He was one of those like. SUper-long bang haircuts? And everything he owns has skulls on it.

Now, I'm no "LETS ALL BE PROFESSIONAL IN THE WORKPLACE", but he's 34. You don't have to wear a suit, but at least act like you give a fuck. ANyway- We hire him. He has an MS in Comp Sci and has worked at a bunch of companies on some really pro websites and has a great freelance portfolio. But I would fucking swear he'd never used a computer before. Like as I am writing this I said, "T- I'm not here today. You take over, you're in charge. If you have serious, serious questions, I can answer them, otherwise you're on your own".

His first task is to get a file from our warehouse's FTP folder, upload it to our server and run a PHP script. WHy does he have to do it manually? Because I asked him to write an ftp_get() last week and he never did.

Anyway, he's been at it for an hour. It should take 4 minutes. He has 0 resourcefulness or. Just an ability to figure shit out.

But enough about that, here's some juicy stuff: He is SWEATY. He sweats like an animal. I've never seen anything like. He just drips all day long. Also, I think he might have some kind of muscular disorder- He falls down several times a day. I keept elling him to see a doctor and all he says is, "Oh I have". Last week he like fell up two stairs, landed on the landing and then did a barrel roll, spilling his coffee everywhere and going "Woahhhoohohohohwaohhh".

I'm just astonished by his lack of resourcefulness. If he doesn't know the 100% absolute answer, he just. Flunks. I get the feeling that if he didn't know the way to the grocery store he'd starve to death.

So, we may fire him. On his birthday. I volunteered.

Ugh.
wha

muckhole

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2009, 11:10:47 AM »
Well, just don't say "Don't worry, you'll land on your feet."
fek

Don Flamenco

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2009, 12:11:41 PM »
Quote
last week he like fell up two stairs, landed on the landing and then did a barrel roll, spilling his coffee everywhere and going "Woahhhoohohohohwaohhh".


:lol :lol :lol  at least keep him around as a janitor or something, he sounds like a cartoon character

FIRE HIS ASS, son!

Then he will be like "Woahhhoohohohohwaohhh".

:rofl :rofl  fuck i'm in tears

demi

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2009, 12:20:18 PM »
Sounds pretty cut and dry, I don't see the problem. It sucks but be at least take solace that you're firing him based off of his own incompetence and not for downsizing or team-wide termination.

Did you or upper management at least gave him a fair warning that his poor performance would merit a review?

Why woul you ask a a question like this? You HAVE read GilloD's stories right? This place is not professional at all :lol
fat

Madrun Badrun

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2009, 12:28:44 PM »
Well, just don't say "Don't worry, you'll land on your feet."

 :lol

Dickie Dee

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2009, 12:37:16 PM »
Haha, I remember in Uni seeing someone fall up the stairs, to do that in everyday life? That's hurtin'
___

Yeti

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2009, 01:20:54 PM »
Why the fuck would you volunteer to fire someone on their birthday? You don't owe this company anything and you're leaving anyways.
WDW

Tieno

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2009, 01:27:01 PM »
Sounds like a guy perfect for demi.


Maybe he has some illness or he's really insecure? Have you talked to him about his lack of resourcefulness?
i

Reb

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2009, 01:41:51 PM »
Probably autistic. Unable to act outside the learned routines.
brb

Tauntaun

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2009, 02:15:40 PM »
GilloD in Korea - "So after getting captured by the North Koreans, tortured a bit and then escaping and finding my way back to the south I've got this huge project due but you know, those NK guys aren't all that bad...."

:)

Scurvy Stan

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2009, 07:54:37 PM »
Maybe he's an elite hacker playing dumb to infiltrate your shit. Or your gonna try to fire him and it'll turn out to be like the CEO's son.
^_^

Olivia Wilde Homo

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2009, 08:00:38 PM »
Has he taken a drug test?
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Fresh Prince

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2009, 08:02:45 PM »
It's interesting that GilloD has finally cracked and is becoming an asshole :tophat
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CurseoftheGods

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BobFromPikeCreek

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #14 on: August 13, 2009, 08:07:32 PM »
Quote
I keept elling him to see a doctor and all he says is, "Oh I have". Last week he like fell up two stairs, landed on the landing and then did a barrel roll, spilling his coffee everywhere and going "Woahhhoohohohohwaohhh".

 :lol :lol :lol What the fuck? Are you sure he's not showing up drunk?
zzzzz

CurseoftheGods

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #15 on: August 13, 2009, 08:08:40 PM »
He was probably stoned out of his mind.

BlackMage

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #16 on: August 13, 2009, 08:41:45 PM »
you can't fire me!
UNF

lennedsay

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #17 on: August 13, 2009, 10:03:50 PM »
 :rofl At least youtube one of these said falls before you give him the ol' heave-ho.
(|)

recursivelyenumerable

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #18 on: August 13, 2009, 10:29:13 PM »
Quote
It's interesting that GilloD has finally cracked and is becoming an asshole top hat

And the cycle of abuse continues.
QED

Madrun Badrun

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #19 on: August 13, 2009, 10:41:41 PM »
Quote
It's interesting that GilloD has finally cracked and is becoming an asshole top hat

And the cycle of abuse continues.

 :lol

muckhole

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #20 on: August 13, 2009, 10:43:17 PM »
:rofl At least youtube one of these said falls before you give him the ol' heave-ho.

Maybe he'll trip as he's leaving the building.
fek

Cormacaroni

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #21 on: August 13, 2009, 11:20:58 PM »
Well, just don't say "Don't worry, you'll land on your feet."

:lol
vjj

Don Flamenco

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #22 on: August 13, 2009, 11:24:45 PM »
tagged

BlackMage

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #23 on: August 14, 2009, 01:44:38 PM »
tagged

bitch i beat you a long time ago
UNF

GilloD

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #24 on: August 14, 2009, 01:58:52 PM »
We kept him.

-fin-
wha

GilloD

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #25 on: August 14, 2009, 04:03:41 PM »
Replacement: "I...I cant get tit to take the card!!!!!!!!"
Me: "It's an Amex card, T"
Replacement: "I KNOW I KNOW THERES ONLY VISA, MASTERCARD AND AMERICAN EXPRESS IT WONT TAKE AMEX"
wha

drew

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #26 on: August 14, 2009, 04:13:36 PM »
wow peanut butter stores sure are a lot more complicated than they seem

Tauntaun

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #27 on: August 14, 2009, 04:38:55 PM »
Replacement: "I...I cant get tit to take the card!!!!!!!!"
Me: "It's an Amex card, T"
Replacement: "I KNOW I KNOW THERES ONLY VISA, MASTERCARD AND AMERICAN EXPRESS IT WONT TAKE AMEX"

 :lol

 :-\
:)

Olivia Wilde Homo

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #28 on: August 14, 2009, 06:44:09 PM »
Seriously, has he taken a drug test?
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Human Snorenado

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #29 on: August 14, 2009, 07:08:27 PM »
Oh wow, sucks to be your company duder.  Well, just look at this way- won't be your company for too much longer.
yar

recursivelyenumerable

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #30 on: August 14, 2009, 07:08:40 PM »
A lot of my friends are fans of the Replacements, but I never cared for them too much.
QED

Don Flamenco

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Re: Ugh- My last act at work will be to fire my replacement on his BIRTHDAY
« Reply #31 on: August 14, 2009, 07:11:32 PM »
tagged

bitch i beat you a long time ago

but you should change yours because I am better than you.