ALSO, this Scrum/Sprint system is designed for fucking software engineers. Not me. A fucking graphic designer.
Scrum projects always start and end the same
- cut on design hours (we just want features and launch fast!)
- cut on marketing expenses (this feature will be godlike and sell our shit automatically!)
- strip away features to cut maintenance costs (oops that didn't work as well as we thought, turns out people don't want homer car applications (who knew?))
- cut on project management (if we can just scale back the time we have to invest in talking over the priorities then the developer can code more right? How about we manage it ourselves, how hard can managing a software project be?)
- complain project craters because MISSING FEATURES!
Luckily I'm COO/Project manager as well as product designer these days so if I have control I always start like this:
- concept UX/UI design / branding / user research up front (do people actually want what you're making and if so what should the scope be?)
- detailed design of the most complex user flows and elements
- Fill in the gaps and develop with SCRUM or whatever agile buzzword the client recognized from reading LinkedIn
Design is a creative process but that is hard to explain to people. It's also hard to explain that their brilliant idea will likely suck and bomb if they don't validate it first. But why spend on validation and design if you already have the perfect design in your head?
It doesn't help that other software/design agencies just build whatever the fuck those idiots want.
I'm now dealing death blows to the competition by rebranding things and selling stuff that has been around for years with new labels.
In my defense they started doing it.
"Hey Nintex. We've picked another vendor, they're not just going to build a web app but a progressive web app."
"That's entirely useless for a real time event manager platform because PWA's are just web apps with limited offline functions not to mention not an inch of our country isn't covered with internet."
"Yeah but we really don't feel like buying a web app that is not progressive anymore."
So after this happened 6 or 8 times this year. I started doing this.
spoiler (click to show/hide)
"So hey Nintex, we're likely not going with your offer which we really like. Because it doesn't include a WordPress security fence."
"You got offered WordFence? That's cute. we have HIGH-GRADE PREMIUM WORDPRESS SECURITY PACKAGES. You don't want your e-mails hacked by the Russians like Hillary Clinton do you?"
"Well my brother bill once had some malware on his PC"
"This totally reduces the risk of Malware in your website by 90%. It's basically a wall that guards it from any and all hackers
We've sourced this technology for '<insert corporate client>' here and it has been developed for corporations in the United States to prevent the Chinese from stealing their patents.
Currently we're the only vendor selling this here. It's brand new anti-hacking technology. Usually we charge $2000 for this, which is almost as much as your new website right?"
"Well that's way above my budget so..."
"BUT, we've bought 100 of these licenses in bulk so we can offer it for just $200 a year."
"That sounds pretty great actually. So it's better than a WordPress fence?"
"Well, what would you rather have. A massive sturdy wall or a fence? Fences might be cheaper but they break down easier too. Walls are basically indesctructable"
"Hmm... well I'm going to call the other guys that we're going with you instead"
"Yeah, but don't tell them about this latest security invention"
"Why?"
"Security only works the less people know about it. Just like the pin for your phone you see?"
"Oh yeah good point they might hack me if I don't do business with them, does that happen?"
"Well I would NEVER badmouth the competition and I don't know who the other guys are but I've heard stories about local IT businesses selling personal information to marketing agencies who then sell it to cyber criminals"
"Ok... then I'll just tell your offer was cheaper"
"FANTASTIC!"
The deadbeat middle-men marketing assholes who fucked me over time and time again won't defeat me anymore because I've weaponized their own bullshit and deliver quality products.
