my mom dropped a bomb on me last night: she decided she's going to stay in india for good.
i've actually advocated for her to do that very thing multiple times over the years since that's where all her family is and i'd have some peace and independence again, so the idea isn't anything new. but i guess...i never thought she'd actually do it! at least not for another decade, at least. but now she's actually doing it, and i feel like the dog that finally caught the car. now what?
we've had a rocky relationship ever since middle school. we had more arguments than you can count, many of which were needless and very, VERY stupid. she frustrated and enraged the hell out of me on multiple occasions, to the point where horrible, horrible things were said, things i wish i could take back.
and yet, she was still a great mom. i didn't approve of her methods, but she did everything she did, as misguided as they were, out of love. she bought literally 99% of the furniture, kitchenware and household items. everything that is here, is because of her. the sofas, the rugs, the tables, the dressers, even my own bed, SHE bought. i can't look at a single thing in my apt and not be reminded of her. she packed my lunch for work, she had my protein shakes ready when i came back from the gym, she did all the housework, including making my bed. i'll never have a home cooked meal from her again.
despite the fact that we butted heads a lot, and no matter how much she angered me, i knew that no matter where i went, whether it's to work, a friend's place or a road trip, she would always be waiting for me when i stepped through the door. she took frequent trips to india in the past, and each one was around 6 months. but as long as those trips were, i had no problem missing her because i knew that at the end of those 6 months, she would eventually come back. because of covid, she's been gone 9 months, and up until this weekend, i was happy as a clam, with hardly a care in the world. and after the news, for the time since she's left, the apartment felt truly cavernous and empty, and for the first time i truly felt alone.
the absolute fucking irony of it all. just when my hand condition, the biggest problem in my life up until now, was actually showing positive signs of improvement, leading me to be the happiest that i've been in 2 years, i get this news that makes me feel the shittiest i've felt in more than a decade. two more months and we would have been in our apartment for a full 10 years.
i knew one way or another my mom would eventually retire to india, but this is not how i pictured it would go down. i've been breaking down into tears all weekend. i didn't even do that when i was at my absolute worst and feeling almost legit suicidal back in 2009. i may end up never seeing her again.
i'll get over it, i'm sure, but at the moment i don't know how to cope. fuck this absolutely shitty year.
