Author Topic: Tales of Sexual Woe  (Read 19475 times)

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ToxicAdam

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Tales of Sexual Woe
« on: May 11, 2007, 11:20:12 AM »
Any regrets? Girls you blew it with .. or you made a fool of yourself?

When I was 16, I was obsessed with losing my virginity. All my degenerate friends lost theirs by the 8th grade .. so here I was, a junior in high school and still not any further than the time I fingered a girl in 6th grade.

I finally found "the one". Heather, a blond volleyball player with a Jay Leno chin. For some reason it was imperative that the girl be a virgin too (so dumb) .. so she fit the bill. We talked on the phone for a few weeks ... and even went to the movies once or twice. Things were going well ...

Her mother was out for the weekend, so I spent the night on a Friday night. This was going to be "the night". I was so worked up over this prospect, I kept procrastinating all night. Finally, around midnight I made my move. I began to take off her clothes in systematic fashion. First came the shirt .. next came the pants. Then the bra ...

Oh shit .. the bra. Some kind of wierd sports bra with hasps and clasps and twist ties. All my nervous energy had  reached a peak at this point .. so I began to pull and yank ... and twist ... anything I could do to get this bra off. Seconds seemed like hours, you could hear audible sighs from Heather as any moisture she had built up quickly evaporated as the seconds passed. Finally, she says disgustingly, "Just let me do it ..". Trouble was, I had mangled her bra so badly, she couldn't even take it off herself. She went into the bathroom to do it and by the time she came back it was all too uncomfortable. We both fell asleep with nothing happening ... and nothing ever did happen.

 :'(
« Last Edit: May 11, 2007, 11:23:21 AM by ToxicAdam »

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2007, 11:23:29 AM »
What a loser
010

Tauntaun

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2007, 11:25:12 AM »
:)

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2007, 11:26:06 AM »
How do you go to a woman's house and not have a knife on hand?
010

ToxicAdam

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2007, 11:26:10 AM »
I know. Once word got around I was pretty much unable to get any interest from anyone else. So, I started trolling girls from the other high schools. Didn't lose my virginity until I met the school slut from the cross-town school.


Ichirou

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2007, 11:27:10 AM »
How do you go to a woman's house and not have a knife on hand?

How do you go to a woman's house and not have a knife on hand?

How do you go to a woman's house and not have a knife on hand?

PS4

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2007, 11:28:07 AM »
010

Ichirou

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2007, 11:29:01 AM »
Well, at least we finally managed to get you to post a picture of yourself.
PS4

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2007, 11:30:01 AM »
Like I'd ever marry a white woman
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Tauntaun

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2007, 11:32:17 AM »
that's why white women cook bland foods, it's an anti-negro defense mechanism
:)

ToxicAdam

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2007, 11:37:35 AM »
I thought having 'no-ass' was the genetic defense mechanism?

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2007, 11:40:16 AM »
I thought having 'no-ass' was the genetic defense mechanism?
010

Tauntaun

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2007, 12:46:10 PM »
I thought having 'no-ass' was the genetic defense mechanism?

yeah, not being fat  :o  :-*
:)

Himu

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2007, 12:51:19 PM »
Is this a thread about a new Tales of game?
IYKYK

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2007, 12:54:03 PM »
Tales of shut your negro Mouth
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whiteACID

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2007, 01:14:10 PM »
I always get it when I want it, sorry no woeful tales here.
boo

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2007, 01:15:45 PM »
 :-\
010

Saint Cornelius

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2007, 01:16:36 PM »
« Last Edit: May 11, 2007, 01:30:03 PM by Saint Cornelius »
dap

Beezy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2007, 01:35:17 PM »
Is this a thread about a new Tales of game?
:lol

TVC15

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2007, 01:40:56 PM »
Like I'd ever marry a white woman

Too bad you wouldn't be able to handle a black woman's sass.
serge

Flannel Boy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2007, 01:41:51 PM »
Too bad your penis wouldn't be able to handle a black woman's ass.

Beezy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2007, 01:42:24 PM »
Like I'd ever marry a white woman

Too bad you wouldn't be able to handle a black woman's sass.
Pwned.

Tauntaun

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2007, 01:44:17 PM »
Like I'd ever marry a white woman

Too bad you wouldn't be able to handle a black woman's sass.
Pwned.

and by a white dude, a gay white dude, super ultra pwnage
:)

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #23 on: May 11, 2007, 01:44:40 PM »
Like I'd ever marry a white woman

Too bad you wouldn't be able to handle a black woman's sass.

Who said anything about black women. I don't put up with nappy headed hoes, especially when they don't preform oral sex.

Latinos FTW
010

Cyanista

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #24 on: May 11, 2007, 01:51:42 PM »
Can virgins please stfu?  Every thread on this board degenerates into either grade school name calling or homosexual innuendo.

So They've taken your ability to post new threads.  That does not mean you need to derail every topic possible.

So at one point in my life I was drunk out in the middle of nowhere with this guy I was seeing. . .alcohol + cutie 6'4" =  :D :hyper  :hump

It was fantastic.  Rode that boy so hard I wore a hole in my knee on his upholstered bench seat.  I was way too drunk and distracted to notice, too, so minutes after we were done I was introduced to this incredible stinging pain from the giant carpet burn on my knee.  I mean, the shit scabbed over and looked like road bacon for two weeks.  Had a scar there for a couple years, too.  :-[ :-[

I had to tell people I slipped and fell and scraped it up.
omg

Stocky

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #25 on: May 11, 2007, 01:53:33 PM »
I recommend that PD be banned from threads that have the word "sex" in them, until he can send Willco pictures of his first sexy time.

whiteACID

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #26 on: May 11, 2007, 01:55:42 PM »
It was fantastic.  Rode that boy so hard I wore a hole in my knee on his upholstered bench seat.  I was way too drunk and distracted to notice, too, so minutes after we were done I was introduced to this incredible stinging pain from the giant carpet burn on my knee.  I mean, the shit scabbed over and looked like road bacon for two weeks.  Had a scar there for a couple years, too.  :-[ :-[

I had to tell people I slipped and fell and scraped it up.
Same thing happened to me a couple of months ago, but it was in the closet (walk-in). I didn't feel it at the time, but after we were done I almost cried, it was that damn painful. Hopefully my scar goes away in a couple of years, I also told people that I fell and scraped my knee.  :lol
boo

Cyanista

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #27 on: May 11, 2007, 01:56:40 PM »
There is nothing worse than the pussing, oozing scrape on the knee.  OMG even driving is painful.  :lol
omg

The Fake Shemp

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #28 on: May 11, 2007, 02:02:00 PM »
I've pussied out of sex a few times because I'm pretty conservative, like out I don't want to do it in public places.  Sometimes I wonder if I should of just risked it.
PSP

whiteACID

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #29 on: May 11, 2007, 02:04:06 PM »
I've pussied out of sex a few times because I'm pretty conservative, like out I don't want to do it in public places.  Sometimes I wonder if I should of just risked it.
I did it in the back of a parking garage, in a car, once in the middle of the day, I've also done it on top of a parking garage, on the hood of the car, in the middle of the night.

I would have to say the craziest place was in the middle of a dirt road that was surrounded by two busy roads. This was at dusk and it wasn't that dark out. I was with my boyfriend on his motorcycle and he stopped in the middle of the road and he did me from behind. Anyone that would have turned down the road would have seen us standing there, but by the time they got close to us I'm fairly certain we could have pulled our pants up in time.
boo

Cyanista

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #30 on: May 11, 2007, 02:05:01 PM »
Yes, you tard.  If you had risked it, you wouldn't be sitting around regretting it years later - even if the worst case scenario had happened.

So you get a ticket for public lewdness and an awesome story.
omg

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #31 on: May 11, 2007, 02:05:35 PM »
omg
010

Saint Cornelius

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #32 on: May 11, 2007, 02:06:27 PM »
So you get a ticket for public lewdness and an awesome story.


 :gloomy it's not ALWAYS an awesome story.
dap

ToxicAdam

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #33 on: May 11, 2007, 02:15:00 PM »
Thanks for sharing Cyanista.


One of my favorite things is to take women on weekend trips. They definitely lose their inhibitions quicker this way. Unless you completely fuck up, its guaranteed sex and a great way to get to know someone better.

When I was a bartender I used to get a lot of service people come in for a few before they went out and did their jobs. I got friendly with one and in passing I mentioned that I had to use up my points on hotel rooms or I would lose them (lie). So, I mentioned that I was going to go down to Virgina Beach for a weekend and lay about the beach and get drunk. She was intrigued and I said I had enough points for 2 seperate hotel rooms (hook). She agreed.

Well, the second hotel room was never used .. she stayed with me the first night (100 dollars well spent). The second night we drank all day and walked about the strip, dancing in any club that had a beat going. She wore this sexy floral dress with no panties on (she would flash me occasionally). At some point, we called it a night and raced back to the hotel. I was really intent on impressing her this night ... so I planned on just doing oral sex. Well, a full night of drinking/dancing and no underwear is not conducive for the vagina. The taste and the smell was digusting ... but in my alcohol haze, I was convinced I could ride through it. About 3 minutes in I began to get a queasy stomach. She was in mid-moan and I jumped from the bed and said "I need to go put a condom on!" (wtf?) ... even before I got to the toilet I was hurling up a days worth of beer, shots and crabcakes.

Ever get so sick you just lose the ability to stand? Well, there I was in this hotel bathroom in a pile of my puke and a poor girl, I barely knew, in bed with her legs akimbo (probably feeling mortified). I was unable to get up. So, she turned into my wetnurse for the night and took care of the mess (both on the floor and in her bed that night).


Beezy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #34 on: May 11, 2007, 02:16:37 PM »
 :-X

Madrun Badrun

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #35 on: May 11, 2007, 02:16:50 PM »
My stories are tame compared to the girls, lol.


I fingered a girl and couldn't remember her name...I wasn't even drunk, I'm just bad with names.   I think it started with a J or a G or something.  Well she wasn't to happy the next time I saw here  :-[

Edit:  I almost forgot, I actually said "Thanks" to her as i was leaving  :lol :lol :lol   

The other one would be I was talking to this girl on msn, well councilling her really because she had aperantly almost been raped by her boyfriend this night.  So after trying to cheer her up, it ends up with me and her having cyber sex.  It was weird and because of the its a regret.

Other than those don't regret much else. 
« Last Edit: May 11, 2007, 02:23:21 PM by Father_Mike »

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #36 on: May 11, 2007, 02:20:52 PM »
Beezy do you have any stories? I have the smores ready to go
010

Beezy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #37 on: May 11, 2007, 02:40:45 PM »
Beezy do you have any stories? I have the smores ready to go

Nothing like what I've read in this thread. Basically this chick was horny and kept dropping hints, I was too dumb or slow to realize it, and my friend ended up fucking her instead.

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #38 on: May 11, 2007, 02:41:57 PM »
Beezy do you have any stories? I have the smores ready to go

Nothing like what I've read in this thread. Basically this chick was horny and kept dropping hints, I was too dumb or slow to realize it, and my friend ended up fucking her instead.

Admit it, you weren't interested because she was black.

010

Beezy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #39 on: May 11, 2007, 02:46:51 PM »
Beezy do you have any stories? I have the smores ready to go

Nothing like what I've read in this thread. Basically this chick was horny and kept dropping hints, I was too dumb or slow to realize it, and my friend ended up fucking her instead.

Admit it, you weren't interested because she was black.
Hell no. She had a nice body and DSLs. I was just clueless when it came to girls earlier on in high school.

My friend told me that she had the best titties that he's ever felt. :'(

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #40 on: May 11, 2007, 02:49:54 PM »
Have you ever touched breasts? :'(
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Beezy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #41 on: May 11, 2007, 02:52:40 PM »
Have you ever touched breasts? :'(
:lol

Yeah.

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #42 on: May 11, 2007, 02:59:37 PM »
 :'(
010

Cheebs

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #43 on: May 11, 2007, 03:01:22 PM »
:'(
so have you. Unless you lied. You made a thread at this very board saying you made out for a while with a girl last year. Unless you like kept your hands behind your back or something.

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #44 on: May 11, 2007, 03:04:08 PM »
No, I'm crying for Beezy. :'(
010

bud

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #45 on: May 11, 2007, 03:14:14 PM »
no you're not :'(
zzz

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #46 on: May 11, 2007, 03:15:33 PM »
Are you a virgin too :'(
010

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #47 on: May 11, 2007, 03:18:10 PM »

 :'(
010

bud

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #48 on: May 11, 2007, 03:18:37 PM »
 :lol
zzz

Van Cruncheon

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #49 on: May 11, 2007, 03:18:47 PM »
can we PLEASE ban PD and G from all sex threads in perpetuity
duc

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #50 on: May 11, 2007, 03:20:50 PM »
If people opened up my Photobucket they'd think I was gay.  :lol
010

Tauntaun

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #51 on: May 11, 2007, 03:22:31 PM »
People think I am gay.  :lol

fixed  :-*
:)

Beezy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #52 on: May 11, 2007, 04:13:06 PM »
No, I'm crying for Beezy. :'(
I thought you were crying because you never touched any too. :lol

Flannel Boy

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #53 on: May 11, 2007, 04:15:57 PM »
No, I'm crying for Beezy. :'(
I thought you were crying because you never touched any too. :lol
The last breasts he ever touched belonged to his mother. Also, the last breasts I ever touched belonged to his mother.

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #54 on: May 11, 2007, 04:35:15 PM »
No, I'm crying for Beezy. :'(
I thought you were crying because you never touched any too. :lol
The last breasts he ever touched belonged to his mother. Also, the last breasts I ever touched belonged to his mother.

I've semi touched breasts with my head. I've touched breasts through shirts and stuff ( :o), but never touched the actual skin
010

Madrun Badrun

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #55 on: May 11, 2007, 04:36:34 PM »
No, I'm crying for Beezy. :'(
I thought you were crying because you never touched any too. :lol
The last breasts he ever touched belonged to his mother. Also, the last breasts I ever touched belonged to his mother.

I've semi touched breasts with my head. I've touched breasts through shirts and stuff ( :o), but never touched the actual skin

 :'(  what vampira doesn't let you get farther than just kissing? 

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #56 on: May 11, 2007, 04:47:54 PM »
No, I'm crying for Beezy. :'(
I thought you were crying because you never touched any too. :lol
The last breasts he ever touched belonged to his mother. Also, the last breasts I ever touched belonged to his mother.

I've semi touched breasts with my head. I've touched breasts through shirts and stuff ( :o), but never touched the actual skin

 :'(  what vampira doesn't let you get farther than just kissing? 

I didn't say that :-*
010

Van Cruncheon

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #57 on: May 11, 2007, 04:48:47 PM »
can we change "Michelle" to "Michelle the Liar" too, for consistency's sake?
duc

Phoenix Dark

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #58 on: May 11, 2007, 04:50:05 PM »
Show me one lie
010

Van Cruncheon

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Re: Tales of Sexual Woe
« Reply #59 on: May 11, 2007, 04:50:45 PM »
i can't quote every single post you've made in this thread conveniently
duc