I finally finished the Jeremy Irons rent money pic,
Dungeons and Dragons. It took me a year to finish this; it aired on regular TV and I watched 15 minutes or so at a time, and finally sat through the last 20 minutes so I could delete it from my PSX's HDD.
Jeremy Irons is stunning in this movie. He doesn't chew the scenery so much as fellate it, work it in his mouth until he's tied it into a knot like a cherry stem, while forcing his eyebrows to jig and dance with manic intensity. I assume massive amounts of caffeine were involved.
There is nothing else good in the movie. Not that Irons is good, but he's noteworthy. Everything else is soulless, expensive-for-the-time CG, which has aged about as well as a piece of toast left on the table for a week. Richard O'Brien as the head of the thieves' guild
should have been awesome, but was underused. Hottie elf warrior chick
should have been boner-inducing, but she was wearing Aeofel's Breastplate of Boner Reduction +3. Mage girl should have been wearing glasses. There's exactly one dungeon in the movie, which they announce as a "dungeon" even though it's a cave -- guess they hadda do something to get the title to stick-- in said "dungeon" there is a trap. Well, not so much a trap, but the thief fails his Save VS traps and falls down a slippery slide which leads him not to spikes nor acid nor certain doom nor any kind of damage, but the door to the Room of Endless Loot. Which he also doesn't check for traps. But there are none.
D&D? C'mon! I may be forced to watch that
Dungeon Siege movie just to prove there's worse still to come.
Van Helsing
The only appropriate response.
Sadly, this is true. When Universal dug up
The Mummy, and had a virile Brandon Fraser doing a pretty decent Indy Jones imitation, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do would be to pit him against the other Universal Monsters, one at a time in each subsequent sequel. Handle branding identically to
Raiders of the Lost Ark, which changed to
Indiana Jones and the _____ with the 2nd movie.
Rick O'Connell and The Curse of Dracula; it would have been great. Instead they sequeled Mummy into utter oblivion, and shot their entire monster portfolio wad with Van Helsing.
