THE BORE

General => The Superdeep Borehole => Topic started by: Raban on December 18, 2008, 07:01:53 AM

Title: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Raban on December 18, 2008, 07:01:53 AM: I felt like sharing some writing I did last year. Enjoy. Or not. I don't care. Weee! Btw, NSFW.

~~

The train was late today, and it was always early. Little did I know what an adventure would soon take place. The only other person in the station was a cloaked woman sitting a few benches down from me. I decided to leave her alone, as she appeared very ominous. I stood up and peeked my head down the mouth of the tunnel to see nothing in either direction. I decided to leave the station in search for another. I was shocked to find that my exits had dissolved. A twist overtook my bowels. I ran back to alert the woman to find her waiting for me. She removed her hood to reveal that her entire head was sans facial features, save for a large sopping and swollen vagina square in the center. Just as she was about to unbirth me with her big blubbering beef curtains, I awoke in my bed, the sheets soaked with my own blood and semen. I think I'll take the day off from the Children's Day Care today.

~~

The day I got screwed. What a mess. We had weeks to prepare and complete this project for english and I ignored it. The day before it was due I promised myself to get it done, only to be distracted by goatse and child porn. I showed up that day an emotional wreck. After class I walked up to my teacher's desk and asked her if I could make it up. She took off her glasses and looked at me with a face that said 'Josh, you know I don't do extra credit', I tried to say something only to be interrupted with "Okay Josh, I have an idea". Her look changed from concern to ecstacy as she popped her saggy 40 year-old titty out of her blouse. I almost spit up. "Wanna suck, wittle baby?" At first I felt averted, but my wang got the better of me. I crouched over and sucked that bitch's titty dry as the Mojave. When she thought it was enough we made out for like ten minutes and then she sat me on my knees and looked at me. "Is it over?" I asked. She smiled as she reached into her dress to unfurl a large and erect dong, and wagged it in front of me. I eyed it pensively and said "Hell yeah baby!" I chowed down on that cock all day long, and that's the day I got screwed.

~~

One day I was minding my own business as I woke up to go to school. I decided since I woke up early to rub one off, yknow, get my dick wet. So I checked out some porn, ran into the bathroom and beat my dick like a distinguished black fellow in the 1800s. When I nutted, a shock ran through my body. My hand was stuck to my dong! I just couldn't get loose! There was nothing I could do and I had to be at school in 20 minutes! What could I do? I'll tell you what I did. I chopped my hand and penis right off, went to the doctor and got a sex change. Now it's the year 2123 and I'm being hunted by the Intergalactic Police Force. Newman's Law, passed in 2082, makes all transsexuals fugitives. I had to do something. I've been on the run for 41 years. I was sleeping in the warehouse on Rock-GAVII one day when the IPF blasted the gates open, I'd been ratted out. I brandished my Blitz Laser as one of the officers turned the corner. I blew him to pieces, and one of his lungs slapped me in the face. I jumped 20 feet in the air with my robot legs and shot heat rays out of my vagina-laser attachment and turned like five guys into silly putty. I ran to the back corner of the warehouse and met eyes with Pablo, my mexican slave who I assigned to build a time machine. I hopped in and trusted Pablo had set the time back to the fateful day I jacked my dick off. Unfortunately, Pablo, being the stupid wetback he is, set the time to 50,000,000 BC, where dinosaurs still roamed the Earth. I built a family of cavemen there after discovering there was no way back. I became attached until a pack of cholo gangster T-Rexes stole my vagina-laser and killed my family. I avenged them by killing every last dinosaur. Eventually I devolved into a dinosaur myself and ate lava, thinking it was candy, and killed myself, successfully ending the life of all dinosaurs. I now live in hell and get triple penetrated by undead demon clones of Liberace on viagra every day.

~~

My eyes peeled open. Before me I saw nothing but linoleum tile, stained with urine and reproductive fluids. I was in a bathroom stall. My temples were pulsating. I pulled myself together. I peeked inside the open mouth of the toilet to find the squirming remains of the unborn fetus I just aborted with a coat hanger. I took a huge wad of toilet paper to wipe the blood from my diseased vagina. This is life in the year 2123. Aaron's Law prohibits natural birth, and six months ago I was raped by one of the meth-farming child pimps. I sold myself for a copious amount of heroin. But he got his for raping me. Nine hours ago I was toe to toe with that bastard and I injected his heart with plumbing fluid. I stood up and took another swig from my flask of Jack Daniels. Damn tasty. I left the bathroom to be met with twelve members of the FBI. They knew I was pregnant, they knew I just killed my unborn baby to escape a death sentence. I had to fight back. Prison in the 22nd century is a hell on Earth. I spin-kicked the nearest agent and shot the entire gathering with shitlava. I spun around again to rip my shirt off, unvieling my laser-beam nippledicks. I set the lasers to "fricasse" and burnt them all to a crisp. I was on the run now.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: drew on December 18, 2008, 07:25:18 AM: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Tauntaun on December 18, 2008, 09:38:12 AM: What's that new MAC OS? Is it LEPER?!?? I think so. :maf
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Raban on December 18, 2008, 09:56:21 AM: Quote from: Tauntaun on December 18, 2008, 09:38:12 AM
What's that new MAC OS? Is it LEPER?!?? I think so. :maf

Allow me to be honest for a moment. Where in the timeline of this sad and depressing forum did having 'townie leper' status stop anybody for being less annoying? Never. It doesn't do anything outside of stop threads from being made by that user, which isn't effective for two reasons; 1) There are very few users who bother to make threads and 2) Not letting annoying pricks like me make threads will eventually force me to post in unrelated threads. Townie Leper isn't an automatic shut-off switch for people you don't like, nor does it do anything when people like you or the other majority of EB's posting members constantly backseat mod by yelling "leper" instead of coming up with an insult worth writing. It's not even an effective deterrent.

For somebody so well-respected on this board, you sure are a fucking idiot. If you really want to backseat mod and simultaneously be a fucktard, try typing "Ban" next time. At least I won't have to erupt into this completely pointless tirade.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Tauntaun on December 18, 2008, 10:03:29 AM: It stops people from making stupid threads, so all the time it's helped. :-*
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: drew on December 18, 2008, 10:56:46 AM: Quote from: Raban on December 18, 2008, 09:56:21 AM
Allow me to be honest for a moment. Where in the timeline of this sad and depressing forum did having 'townie leper' status stop anybody for being less annoying? Never. It doesn't do anything outside of stop threads from being made by that user, which isn't effective for two reasons; 1) There are very few users who bother to make threads and 2) Not letting annoying pricks like me make threads will eventually force me to post in unrelated threads. Townie Leper isn't an automatic shut-off switch for people you don't like, nor does it do anything when people like you or the other majority of EB's posting members constantly backseat mod by yelling "leper" instead of coming up with an insult worth writing. It's not even an effective deterrent.

For somebody so well-respected on this board, you sure are a fucking idiot. If you really want to backseat mod and simultaneously be a fucktard, try typing "Ban" next time. At least I won't have to erupt into this completely pointless tirade.

fucking forum nerd

did you just smoke pot for the first time or something
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Don Flamenco on December 18, 2008, 11:10:24 AM: Quote from: Raban on December 18, 2008, 09:56:21 AM
Quote from: Tauntaun on December 18, 2008, 09:38:12 AM
What's that new MAC OS? Is it LEPER?!?? I think so. :maf

Allow me to be honest for a moment. Where in the timeline of this sad and depressing forum did having 'townie leper' status stop anybody for being less annoying? Never. It doesn't do anything outside of stop threads from being made by that user, which isn't effective for two reasons; 1) There are very few users who bother to make threads and 2) Not letting annoying pricks like me make threads will eventually force me to post in unrelated threads. Townie Leper isn't an automatic shut-off switch for people you don't like, nor does it do anything when people like you or the other majority of EB's posting members constantly backseat mod by yelling "leper" instead of coming up with an insult worth writing. It's not even an effective deterrent.

For somebody so well-respected on this board, you sure are a fucking idiot. If you really want to backseat mod and simultaneously be a fucktard, try typing "Ban" next time. At least I won't have to erupt into this completely pointless tirade.

u mad

calling tauntaun a fucktard? smh.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Olivia Wilde Homo on December 18, 2008, 11:15:18 AM: Welcome to my ignore list
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: GilloD on December 18, 2008, 12:14:19 PM: I liked this thread. It was pretty funny.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Madrun Badrun on December 18, 2008, 12:19:48 PM: I also wrote something last night

http://www.thevalkyrie.com/stories/wonder/bgandcw.txt
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Tauntaun on December 18, 2008, 01:43:25 PM: Quote from: Kranz Fafka on December 18, 2008, 11:10:24 AM
u mad

calling tauntaun a fucktard? smh.

You gettin extra lovin tonight boy. :-*

spoiler (click to show/hide)
(http://i84.photobucket.com/albums/k36/SlinkyT82/34j7hgx.gif)
[close]
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: CurseoftheGods on December 18, 2008, 02:05:49 PM: Raban is such a miserable little piece of shit.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Himu on December 18, 2008, 02:08:05 PM: Raban can be a good guy
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Kestastrophe on December 18, 2008, 02:11:51 PM: i didn't read all of the OP, but it smelled like copypasta
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: fistfulofmetal on December 18, 2008, 02:26:06 PM: I've.... seen things you people wouldn't believe.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Raban on December 18, 2008, 04:04:38 PM: Quote from: Jinfash on December 18, 2008, 10:39:45 AM
chill pill
Thanks bro!

Quote from: Drewsy on December 18, 2008, 10:56:46 AM
fucking forum nerd

did you just smoke pot for the first time or something
What? You are stupid. Make less sense plz.

Quote from: Kranz Fafka on December 18, 2008, 11:10:24 AM
u mad

calling tauntaun a fucktard? smh.
I thought EB was liberals? I have the right to call whoever I want whatever I want. Weee~

Quote from: T EXP on December 18, 2008, 11:15:18 AM
Welcome to my ignore list
Perpetuating a fad based around ANOTHER useless EB feature, good on ya!

Quote from: CurseoftheGods on December 18, 2008, 02:05:49 PM
Raban is such a miserable little piece of shit.
Why thank you, kind sir!

Quote from: Himuro on December 18, 2008, 02:08:05 PM
Raban can be a good guy
You don't need to say that, this isn't self-destruction, it's vindication.

Quote from: Kestastrophe on December 18, 2008, 02:11:51 PM
i didn't read all of the OP, but it smelled like copypasta
I have the hand-written journals to prove they're all mine.

In my final defense, all I can say without judging anyone here is that I simply do not mesh with the microcosm of online communities. I don't understand why, time and time again, I keep joining them to find my membership usually ends in the same way. I can be thankful that no forum has ever left a lasting effect on me and that I at least got to meet some strange and interesting people along the way. I should go outside more, taste the sweet fruit of life. I'm almost done with high school and am ready to face the adventures that surely lie ahead, be they long and torturous or fleeting and beautiful. I suppose the importance of my involvement with EB and many forums like it will be reduced to a footnote of my memory as I age, or at least that's the best I can hope for. I can only imagine that my almost obsessive nature in regards to online communities was a way I felt I should seek experience, but only found how not to gain it. So I guess this is my goodbye, neither bang nor whimper. I shall mark my leaving with a quote, somewhat appropriate, undeniably legendary.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: demi on December 18, 2008, 04:20:36 PM: None of that was arousing at all. I've read better fat stories.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: drew on December 18, 2008, 04:24:06 PM: be more of a bitter fatty please

i could hear the squeak your sweaty manboobs made from here when you typed that
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Positive Touch on December 18, 2008, 04:27:29 PM: you probably don't get along with people because you turn into a self-righteous butthurt at the drop of a hat
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Positive Touch on December 18, 2008, 04:28:11 PM: Quote from: Positive Touch on December 18, 2008, 04:27:29 PM
you probably don't get along with people because you turn into a self-righteous butthurt at the drop of a hat

also you make shitty threads
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: recursivelyenumerable on December 18, 2008, 04:28:40 PM: AAA, better than the Wizard of Oz and Casablanca combined
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: hyp on December 18, 2008, 06:25:52 PM: leper leper leper leper leper leper leper leper leper
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: drew on December 18, 2008, 08:56:48 PM: great way to go out dude

write some weird sex shit

then quote some faggot poem

good jon
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Phoenix Dark on December 18, 2008, 09:06:03 PM: Esmeralda slowly awoke to find Raban still in her bed. She had forgotten about last night. He had entered her room against her will, for she wasn't particularly attracted to him. But it had been a long month, and she was out of V8. Raban considered himself a straight man but had passionately moaned throughout the night as Esmeralda took him from behind. She reached for a cigarette off the night stand but couldn't find a light. Damn. Instead she turned her head to the right and stared into Raban's face. He was still sweating, despite it being quite a cool night. He had initially hesitated when Esmeralda informed him that she wouldn't be bottoming tonight. But he couldn't resist her. No one could. Esmeralda delicately ran her fingers through her long dark hair. She had fucked him for an hour yet didn't climax. She had faked it to put an end to Raban's raucous moaning. God damn, she thought, I'm becoming more of a damn woman everyday
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Great Rumbler on December 18, 2008, 09:15:20 PM: Hey, guys!

Guys!

I don't know if you know this, but...

I've written things.

...

Seriously.

spoiler (click to show/hide)
:omg
[close]
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: drew on December 18, 2008, 09:35:48 PM: about time people started making fun of this cunt

tar and feather this fucking dweeb

if you wre my little brother id ~~beat you up~~ smother you with a pillow
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: CurseoftheGods on December 18, 2008, 10:51:45 PM: Quote from: Drewsy on December 18, 2008, 09:35:48 PM
about time people started making fun of this cunt

tar and feather this fucking dweeb

if you wre my little brother id ~~beat you up~~ smother you with a pillow

:rofl :rofl :rofl
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Robo on December 18, 2008, 11:06:03 PM: Of all of Raban's shitty meltdowns, this is by far the shittiest.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Brehvolution on December 18, 2008, 11:34:16 PM: You can do what you want, but then I read this:

Quote
I shall mark my leaving with a quote, somewhat appropriate, undeniably legendary.

I'm not someone to tell you that you aren't awesome, but if you talk like that, someone else is going to.

I had a good friend who, after he dropped out of college, was this type of person:

Every clever thought would make him think he was some sort of crazy intellectual person, college was beneath him.
Every guitar riff he made up was forged by the gods of rock, if only more people could have been there.
Every lyric he wrote was the best that has ever been committed to paper, if more people could have heard them.
A single sentence uttered by someone would "speak volumes" about their character.

This sort of faux bravado will land you back living with your parents in you late 20's finally taking community college seriously this time.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Olivia Wilde Homo on December 18, 2008, 11:38:47 PM: :lol

It is too bad he left us with that quote on an internet message board instead of on a stage with thousands of people cheering him on and dozens of hot groupies throwing their panties at him, assuming he would ever associate with that type of lower class filth :tophat

Maybe my mind is just too pedestrian to handle his in your face stories and his witty retorts, which is why I had to ignore him.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: CurseoftheGods on December 19, 2008, 12:06:17 AM: Quote from: Zero Hero on December 18, 2008, 11:34:16 PM
You can do what you want, but then I read this:

Quote
I shall mark my leaving with a quote, somewhat appropriate, undeniably legendary.

I'm not someone to tell you that you aren't awesome, but if you talk like that, someone else is going to.

I had a good friend who, after he dropped out of college, was this type of person:

Every clever thought would make him think he was some sort of crazy intellectual person, college was beneath him.
Every guitar riff he made up was forged by the gods of rock, if only more people could have been there.
Every lyric he wrote was the best that has ever been committed to paper, if more people could have heard them.
A single sentence uttered by someone would "speak volumes" about their character.

This sort of faux bravado will land you back living with your parents in you late 20's finally taking community college seriously this time.

The quote is from The Great Gatsby.

http://www.generationterrorists.com/quotes/the_great_gatsby.html
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: brawndolicious on December 19, 2008, 02:02:27 AM: zerohero nailed it. I'm not sure if Raban is being serious or joking but he is way too immature for his age.
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: OptimoPeach on December 19, 2008, 02:03:59 AM: Quote from: Raban on December 18, 2008, 04:04:38 PM
So I guess this is my goodbye, neither bang nor whimper. I shall mark my leaving with a quote, somewhat appropriate, undeniably legendary.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

:lol Are you serious?
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: TakingBackSunday on December 19, 2008, 02:07:00 AM: Raban is a better self-troll than I am
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: Madrun Badrun on December 19, 2008, 10:20:44 AM: no one liked my story where the joker rapes batgirl and catwoman? :'(
Title: Re: Hey guys I have written things.
Post by: T234 on December 19, 2008, 10:22:00 AM: Check yer PM arvie