Lets quote Transformor reviews

[FlameOfCallandor]

Transformers, as any small boy can tell you, come with built-in conflicts in morality. The Autobots — Bumblebee, Jazz, Ratchet, Ironhide and maximum leader Optimus Prime — are the good guys, while the Decepticons, led by bad-as-he-wants-to-be Megatron, want to acquire power first, ask questions never.

Having fought each other for eons on their home planet, the Autobots and Decepticons transfer their battle to planet Earth, where an enormous object called the Cube, or AllSpark, the source of all Transformer life, has improbably ended up.

In fact, for reasons having to do with that all-important Cube, the aliens are looking for improbably named high schooler Sam Witwicky, who spends his time lusting after his first car

If I were 12, I'd be there opening weekend, though I'm not sure if the 12-year-old me would've enjoyed it, exactly. The film is more about submission than enjoyment.

The Decepticons are out to locate a cube with the powers to allow them to rule the universe, and their one link to finding it is hidden in a pair of eye glasses owned by 16-year-old Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), the descendant of an explorer who came upon one of the robots hidden in the ice of Antarctica in the 1800s.

Soo silly and juvenile to be taken seriously and so earnest it can only be viewed as drama gone wrong, "Transformers" beats out the abominable likes of "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" and "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" as the lowest of the low in this year's summer movie sweepstakes.

[TVC15]

I can see why Willco is so excited.

Also, once we make contact with aliens, I wonder what it will be like to be the race with the shittiest cinema in the universe.

It's like spending a day at the state fair: a little bit of actual entertainment, a lot of embarrassingly cheesy attempts at entertainment, and the faint whiff of bull crap everywhere.

[The Fake Shemp]

I'm excited to see giant robots blow shit up.  If anyone is expecting high brow cinema from an adaptation of an 80s toy commercial, then I just laugh at you.

[TVC15]

I'm excited to see giant robots blow shit up.  If anyone is expecting high brow cinema from an adaptation of an 80s toy commercial, then I just laugh at you.

It apparently fails even as what you want:

A melting pot of astonishing ineptitude. Amazing, how hundreds of millions of dollars can go into making a finished product that doesn't offer one solitary second of wonder, momentum, tension, or authentic emotion.

Logic suggests that even the most inept filmmaker would have a hard time turning a movie about enormous fighting robots into an unwatchable and flat-out dull piece of work, but that's precisely what Michael Bay has done with Transformers.

[The Fake Shemp]

You do realize the majority of the reviews, especially Cream of the Crop, are fresh, right?  And Ebert, usually a staunch critic of Bay, gave it three stars.  And he's on his deathbed!

[TVC15]

Ebert probably gives every moment he's still sentient 3 stars these days, Willco.

[The Fake Shemp]

There is so much action packed into every second of Transformers that by the time it's over, you may be tempted to go outside and give the box office another 10 bucks.

Transformers has some of the best action sequences you'll see all summer.

While Bay succeeds in creating a seamless mix of computer-generated effects with live-action...

...  it features some of the most spectacular action and effects sequences of any movie of its kind.

As a movie, Transformers is mostly muscle car, but it has enough of a brain under its hood to know how, and when, to be funny.

Better than sex.

You'll find yourself rooting for computer-generated robots that magically transform into cars, trucks and fighter planes. It's selling the movie short to say the special effects are amazing -- they are out of this world.

[TVC15]

I wonder how many of those were paid for?  Also, if a reviewer says a movie is better than sex, the reviewer is probably Manabyte.

And keep in mind the score only goes down from here.  It's nearly at Spider-Man 3 levels already.

[FlameOfCallandor]

I wonder how many of those were paid for?  Also, if a reviewer says a movie is better than sex, the reviewer is probably Manabyte.

 

I cant believe manabyte defends the prequels.

[The Fake Shemp]

The effects are put to brilliant use. ...Bay even allows the humans their humanness, too -- elsewhere, John Turturro and Anthony Anderson are very funny in smallish parts, and [Julie] White steals the movie.

If it's true that there's an 8-year-old boy inside every man, Transformers is just the ticket to bring the kid out.

An unexpected summer surprise. Not only is it full of way-cool machinery, epic robot fights and mind-dazzling effects, it also has more than its quotient of actual wit and fun.

The visual effects are marvellous, [and] the acting is better than it needs to be in a film of this nature.

Bay and an army of visual designers have successfully re-imagined a photorealistic world in which these Titans can believably clash.

Most importantly, Ebert sold me with

It's goofy fun with a lot of stuff that blows up real good, and it has the grace not only to realize how preposterous it is, but to make that into an asset.

[Mr. Gundam]

I'm gonna turn off my movie elitist brain and go check it out in the morning. I loved the old cartoon when I was little, and if I can get some giant robots on the big screen, I'm happy.

[TVC15]

Once again, WIllco, it nearly has Spider-Man 3's score right now, and it will only go down.  Shitformers and Shitter-Man, anal lovers of the assy movie year.

[The Fake Shemp]

I wonder how many of those were paid for?  Also, if a reviewer says a movie is better than sex, the reviewer is probably Manabyte.

That quote was from the only reviewer who was not a legitimate film critic - the rest are from newspaper.  That quote just made me laugh.

And keep in mind the score only goes down from here.  It's nearly at Spider-Man 3 levels already.

Not really.  The trend is that the online scores for "geek" films usually skew higher and they're listed first.  Then the real critics post their thoughts and bring the score down as more and more publish the reviews around release.  But here, the Cream of the Crop is actually HIGHER than the online critics - this reeks of irritated fanboys (see TToB).

I think it'll settle somewhere between 65% to 70%, and that's probably accurate.  I'm here to see not the pinnacle of cinema, but giant robots blow shit up and from all accounts (even the negative ones), that happens a LOT.

[Flannel Boy]

Why are movies so long these days? Dumb action flicks shouldn't be two and a half hours long.

[The Fake Shemp]

Yeah, that's my only worry about this one.  Unless it's thirty extra minutes of robots blowing shit up real good, it shouldn't be over 120 minutes.

[TVC15]

Holy shit, I just saw the length.  Willco, that's indefensible!

[The Fake Shemp]

Didn't I just say that?

You're doing a terrible job at trolling - I'm not that attached to the property or director.  I could really swing any way here, I just want to see giant robots blow shit up.  You're going to have to find someone else!

[Flannel Boy]

Neither my bladder nor my attention span can handle 144 minutes of robots blowing shit up. Does Megan Fox get a lot of screen time?

[The Fake Shemp]

She's the co-star and seems to be all over the previews, so my penis says YES.

[TVC15]

Didn't I just say that?

Calm your hormones, we posted at like the exact same time.  3 seconds apart.

You're doing a terrible job at trolling - I'm not that attached to the property or director.  I could really swing any way here, I just want to see giant robots blow shit up.  You're going to have to find someone else!

Awww, looks like I set Willco off concerning his movie of the summer.  Let's see what that score looks like in a week.

[Van Cruncheon]

oh, willco

[The Fake Shemp]

Are you reading someone else's posts?  I'm not irritated, I'm just amused.  You're like that kid who keeps referring to Stan Marsh and as Stan DARSH in the Aspen episode of South Park.

And I could honestly care less what the score is in a week.  In a week, I will have gotten my fill of 144 minutes of giant robots blowing shit up and moved on to something else.

[The Fake Shemp]

Armageddon would've been better if they got rid of Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler and pretty much everyone save for Steve Buscemi.

[TVC15]

You're like that kid who keeps referring to Stan Marsh and as Stan DARSH in the Aspen episode of South Park.

This is incomprehensible.  Maybe you will like Transformers!

[The Fake Shemp]

Maybe.  I'm pretty confident I will dig it.  Again, I cannot fathom how Michael Bay could make a movie so bad that giant robots blowing shit up cannot justify the price of admission.  I'm usually spot on with Ebert with reviews, so I trust his opinion.

[Junpei the Tracer!]

Sounds like some of you don't want to like it.

[TVC15]

Sounds like some of you don't want to like it.

Go trace a cock and suck on it.

[Howard Alan Treesong]

Two and One    half hours
This is going to be Armageddon bad.  In fact I'm calling it Carmageddon from now on because it deserves little more than a shitty pun.

The preferred diminuitive is "Auto-geddon."

Transformers looks Darkness bad!

[The Fake Shemp]

Transformers looks Darkness bad!

Why must you use something I actually love to slander other things I don't care about.

[Junpei the Tracer!]

Sounds like some of you don't want to like it.

Go trace a cock and suck on it.

How rude.

[Bloodwake]

I've seen Transformers.

The first hour is remarkably solid, surprisingly so.

Then Sector 7 steps in and destroys the movie with convenience moments.

The last thirty minutes is highly overrated. It is the most edited action sequence in history, with so many cuts I got a headache. The Megatron/Optimus Prime showdown was underwhelming, and so was most of the action.. it was just really really rushed and you are trying to get your wits together the entire time.

It's about a 6 or a 5.5/10 from me. It's decent to watch as a popcorn film, but even Bay has done better action before.

[Bloodwake]

THE CLOVER FIELD TEASER WAS FUCKING AWESOME THOUGH.

[ferrarimanf355]

Anybody who hates this movie has no soul. There, I said it. Give the best director Oscar to Michael Bay, he so fucking redeemed himself from Pearl Harbor. And give the best actor trophy to Peter Cullen, because Optimus Prime commands it.




Now, if you excuse me, tomorrow I'll be at my local Chevrolet dealer, putting a down payment on a 2009 Camaro. With a V8. Painted in gold, with black Z/28 stripes. 

[ferrarimanf355]

Two and One    half hours
This is going to be Armageddon bad.  In fact I'm calling it Carmageddon from now on because it deserves little more than a shitty pun.

The preferred diminuitive is "Auto-geddon."

Transformers looks Darkness bad!

Auto-Geddon it is. 

One kid witnessing the entry of the Autobots to Earth calls it " like Armageddon, but better!" 

[Ichirou]

Anybody who hates this movie has no soul. There, I said it. Give the best director Oscar to Michael Bay, he so fucking redeemed himself from Pearl Harbor. And give the best actor trophy to Peter Cullen, because Optimus Prime commands it.




Now, if you excuse me, tomorrow I'll be at my local Chevrolet dealer, putting a down payment on a 2009 Camaro. With a V8. Painted in gold, with black Z/28 stripes. 

THIS IS COMEDY GOLD, JERRY

[TakingBackSunday]

I liked it just fine.  Shits on every summer movie so far, in terms of popcorn action flicks.  Good fun, Autobots are cool, and Decepticons are fuckin' rad.  People need tostop being so fucking stuck-up to think they're better than people who see this movie–it's great fun and pretty much what any Transformers fan could want.  *shrugs*

I'd give it a 7.5 or an 8, just because it really does feel like its thirty minutes too long and it drags a bit when the douchebag from Mr. Deeds gets in on the fun.  But whenever there's a robot on screen, it's pretty cool.

[Bloodwake]

Since we are quoting reviews

"In Bay's world, which is more about metal than people, every action sequence must be edited like a cinematic seizure and every extreme-telephoto image must be jammed headlong into the next."

-Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune


This is the most accurate sentence about this film ever IMO. However, it was still fun for the first hour or so, which makes it watchable.

[Mr. Gundam]

I'm going to the 11:30 am matinee tomorrow, should be fun.

[ferrarimanf355]

Anybody who hates this movie has no soul. There, I said it. Give the best director Oscar to Michael Bay, he so fucking redeemed himself from Pearl Harbor. And give the best actor trophy to Peter Cullen, because Optimus Prime commands it.




Now, if you excuse me, tomorrow I'll be at my local Chevrolet dealer, putting a down payment on a 2009 Camaro. With a V8. Painted in gold, with black Z/28 stripes. 

THIS IS COMEDY GOLD, JERRY

I want that 'Maro. Fully independent rear suspension, 400 HP under the hood and six on the floor... the Mustang better watch it's fucking back in 2009. 

[ferrarimanf355]

Just found out that there's a sudden influx of Barricade replicas in the Forza 2 auction house.

[TVC15]

And only hours later Transformers has sunk below Shitter-Man 3 on the RT meter!

[The Fake Shemp]

And only hours later Transformers has sunk below Shitter-Man 3 on the RT meter!

I don't expect that to stay the same - Cream of the Crop is hovering at 70%.  It's kind of odd that the Internet critics, usually the geek demographic, are the harshest critics here.

[TakingBackSunday]

usually the geek demographic, are the harshest critics here.

That's exactly why they are so harsh.  It's pretty fuckin' pathetic, but they expected something downright incredible and a nigh-perfect translation of the shitty 80s cartoon.  What they don't realize is this is first and foremost an action circle-jerk MICHAEL BAY movie, and one of his best.  It succeeds there.  The most important thing to remember is that its just fun to watch.

[bork]

I'm surprised.  I liked this movie...it was just plain fun to watch.  Hard to believe it came from Michael Bay.

[Mr. Gundam]

So in Japan, is he called Optimus Prime or Convoy in the movie?

[bork]

So in Japan, is he called Optimus Prime or Convoy in the movie?

I don't know because it's not out in Japan yet. 

I saw some Transformers toys a week or two ago, and I think they were all labeled "Optimus Prime," but looking at the boxes, they were all imported toys from the U.S.  Like all the other movies that come here, this movie will be in English with Japanese subtitles, so it will be interesting to see how they handle it.

[Mr. Gundam]

I just got back from Transformers.

I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I sat there with a huge smile on my face for two and a half hours, and was made seven years old again, clutching my Optimus Prime toy in one hand, and Bumblebee in the other. The introduction of the Autobots was AWESOME. The giant robot battles were AWESOME. Everything about this movie was pure unadulterated popcorn fun AWESOMENESS. 

I'm not a Michael Bay fan, and I'd much rather watch the latest from Almodovar or Wong Kar-Wai over your typical blockbuster, but damn if Transformers wasn't a whole lot of fun.

[hyp]

just watched it.  pretty much a meh fest with a couple good laughs here and there.  my biggest criticism is the amount of US military scenes in the movie.  let the freakin' bots duke it out.

[Mr. Gundam]

just watched it.  pretty much a meh fest with a couple good laughs here and there.  my biggest criticism is the amount of US military scenes in the movie.  let the freakin' bots duke it out.

Yeah, the Transformers scenes were the best. A lot of the Sector Seven stuff could've been left out, but I still had a great time watching it.

[The Fake Shemp]

The reactions, from folks that I've talked to, seem to be pretty positive.  Nothing really negative.  I think how much you enjoy the film is based on two things: (1) How much do you like Transformers and/or giant robots? and (2) Can you embrace the cheese?

Got tickets for tomorrow.  CrystalGemini and I are going to see it after I get off of work.  Looking forward to it.  Early reports from folks I trust seem overwhelmingly positive.

[The Fake Shemp]

Also, Harry Knowles didn't like it which also helps build the film's cred.

[Mr. Gundam]

The reactions, from folks that I've talked to, seem to be pretty positive.  Nothing really negative.  I think how much you enjoy the film is based on two things: (1) How much do you like Transformers and/or giant robots? and (2) Can you embrace the cheese?

I loved the Transformers when I was a little kid in the 80's, but that love went away when I grew up, so I went into the movie only with the distant memories from my childhood. I do love giant robots, though, which probably helped. BRING ON MORE GIANT ROBOT MOVIES. 

Also, Harry Knowles didn't like it which also helps build the film's cred.

Yeah, I read that this morning, surprised me. I figured Harry would spooge all over it with his incoherent ramblings.

[BamYouHaveAids]

I will never watch another Michael Bay movie again. I don't understand how anyone could call the action "awesome". Quick camera cuts, extremely close-ups, extremely similar, and  busy designs completely ruin the fight scenes. I had no fucking idea who was who or what was happening. Michael Bay should sedated and beat with a camera until someone knocks some goddamn sense into him.

[Flannel Boy]

The Rock and Bad Boys were pretty fun movies. 

[ferrarimanf355]

Also, Harry Knowles didn't like it which also helps build the film's cred.

You mean the distinguished mentally-challenged fellow who runs AICN? 

[BamYouHaveAids]

The Rock and Bad Boys were pretty fun movies. 

I actually liked Bad Boys II   
but he still deserves some moderate form of punishment. I mean I wasted a whole $6.00 you can't put a price on that kind of money.

[ferrarimanf355]

The Rock and Bad Boys were pretty fun movies. 

I actually liked Bad Boys II   
but he still deserves some moderate form of punishment. I mean I wasted a whole $6.00 you can't put a price on that kind of money.

Yeah, you can put a price on that. $6.00. 

[tiesto]

Just got back from seeing it... wasn't too bad, some of the jokes will be incredibly dated in a few years and I was nodding on and off during the final big action sequence, but it was OK. Nice subplot with the guy and the girl. Nothing mindblowing, just giant robots blowing shit up and lots of little nods to the TV series. Worst part about it was the sickening levels of product placement