Author Topic: Transformers, made me want to die! Transformers, "robot fun"? Will lies! (Read 4110 times)

Howard Alan Treesong · « **on:** July 17, 2007, 05:14:32 PM »

I have never been as embarassed in a theater as I was sitting through Transformers and I saw Election with my parents.

I am going to ignore the hours of subplots that go nowhere, wasted performances from talented actors, plot holes so big Evil Knieval couldn't jump over them, the worthless romance subplot, the magical negro robot, and embarassingly stilted dialogue. Because I know that defenders will brush all that aside and claim that it's about the GIANT ROBOTS!

Well, the giant robots sucked!

I went in expecting a terrible movie with great robot-on-robot action and instead I got a terrible movie with terrible robot fights. The designs are great standing still but awful in motion. Except for Bumblebee, Optimus, and Blackout (not coincidentally the three best robot designs) you can't tell who's who, either close up or from a distance. Motion blur is overused, as are "impossible" camera movements that just add to the confusion. The entire thing is shot utterly incoherently, and as a result, completely detatched and boring. Giant robots are tearing shit up in downtown, uh, city. And I can't be half-arsed to care about a single second of it.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

When Megatron rips Jazz in half it was even more sub-notable than when Sirius bites it. And Optimus' speech is basically "Jazz may have died, but we like you guys better." When the "human machinery comes to life" it only gets like 5 seconds of screentime. Finally, making out with Megan Fox on top of a sentient robot while other sentient robots look on is just voyeuristic and creepy.

[close]

Also, Megan Fox was such a poor actress that she managed to distract me from her eye-candy midriff. And that's means she really, REALLY sucked.

Basically, whoever defends this movie is so wrong that it hurts my head.

Himu · « **Reply #1 on:** July 17, 2007, 05:19:55 PM »

ON EBAY

Oblivion · « **Reply #2 on:** July 17, 2007, 05:21:38 PM »

I wanna see it just to check out the niggerbot.

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #3 on:** July 17, 2007, 05:22:08 PM »

I guess after he was unfrozen, Megatron learned English from the new wireless iPhone from Apple. Since he'd never been on eBay or the worldwide webs.

TVC15 · « **Reply #4 on:** July 17, 2007, 06:40:34 PM »

I WARNED YOU, PATEL!

Also, did you just badmouth Election?

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #5 on:** July 17, 2007, 07:05:29 PM »

oh god, no. Election is fucking awesome

it's just awkward to see with your parents esp. the hard jump cut to end all jump cuts

so that embarassed me

but Transformers embarassed me more because I share a species with Michael Bay

TVC15 · « **Reply #6 on:** July 17, 2007, 07:10:46 PM »

Would you agree with my sentiment that Transformers was the worst movie I have seen in a theatre since The Phantom Menace? I mean, maybe you've seen worse, but can you at lease see where I am coming from?

Mandark · « **Reply #7 on:** July 17, 2007, 07:14:57 PM »

When Optimus introduced the crew as being the weapons guy, the medic, the communications officer, and so on, I assumed that was building up to someone breaking out great weapons, someone else fixing up an ally, etc. Then the fight happens and it's a bunch of generic robots rolling around, firing off the same guns for all I can tell.

Also, it's weird in a movie with 100 or so slow-motion shots, most of them completely gratuitous, that one robot gets ripped in half in real-time, in the background.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

Didn't care for Election.

[close]

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #8 on:** July 17, 2007, 07:16:24 PM »

How can you guys say this. Transformers is from Willco's No 2 best ever action director Funkmaster M.B.

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #9 on:** July 17, 2007, 07:26:15 PM »

Quote from: TVC 15 on July 17, 2007, 07:10:46 PM

Would you agree with my sentiment that Transformers was the worst movie I have seen in a theatre since The Phantom Menace? I mean, maybe you've seen worse, but can you at lease see where I am coming from?

Sure, I can see that. I said to someone leaving the theater, "That wasn't the worst movie I've ever seen, but it's quite possibly the dumbest." (Pirates 2 is still my worst-movie-seen-in-a-theater.) Somebody else described it as "most gratuitous," which seems a good way to describe it. The whole entire film was so relentlessly, impossibly stupid all the goddamned time.

Also, it wasn't a movie with product placement, it was a product with movie placement. "I got it on eBay!" is literally the entire BACKBONE of what little narrative there is.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #10 on:** July 17, 2007, 09:44:56 PM »

i enjoyed pirates 2, although 3 by all accounts is far worse. what was your beef with pirates 2, patel, besides the plot being borderline silly? at least it didn't go for cheap masturbation jokes and feature incomprehensible action scenes!

Mupepe · « **Reply #11 on:** July 17, 2007, 09:50:23 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on July 17, 2007, 09:44:56 PM

i enjoyed pirates 2, although 3 by all accounts is far worse. what was your beef with pirates 2, patel, besides the plot being borderline silly? at least it didn't go for cheap masturbation jokes and feature incomprehensible action scenes!

the first half of 2 is soooooooo slow and lame. second half rocks all balls though

Himu · « **Reply #12 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:09:52 PM »

when transformers brought sector 7 were they referencing final fantasy VII

because I really need to know the answer to that question, guys

CajoleJuice · « **Reply #13 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:11:40 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on July 17, 2007, 09:44:56 PM

i enjoyed pirates 2, although 3 by all accounts is far worse. what was your beef with pirates 2, patel, besides the plot being borderline silly? at least it didn't go for cheap masturbation jokes and feature incomprehensible action scenes!

It didn't have John Turturro getting pissed on by a robot either, though.

TVC15 · « **Reply #14 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:12:05 PM »

Why would they be referencing FF7? I don't think the movie was that poorly done.

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #15 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:12:51 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on July 17, 2007, 09:44:56 PM

i enjoyed pirates 2, although 3 by all accounts is far worse. what was your beef with pirates 2, patel, besides the plot being borderline silly? at least it didn't go for cheap masturbation jokes and feature incomprehensible action scenes!

Transformers had 1-dimensional stock characters, but Pirates didn't have any characters at all. the main character was the scriptwriter trying to force all the chess pieces around into a new and exciting shape.

that said, the action was at least visibly coherent.

Transformers made me sigh out loud at how stupid the movie was being four times, which is something of a record.

I loved the line "You need to stop thinking Fourier transforms and start thinking quantum mechanics."

Also, there were TWO pee x robot jokes.

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #16 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:17:49 PM »

Quote from: dcharlie on July 17, 2007, 11:16:06 PM

I always assumed this movie would be complete ass... did people expect otherwise?

There is a huge gang from work going , all the americans are super excited... i'm going so i can laugh at the people going.

but... then you'd be laughing at yourself.

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #17 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:18:55 PM »

I expected it to be two hours of ass with 30 minutes of enjoyable robot fighting at the end.

I wasn't expecting even the giant robots duking it out to be as boring and incoherent as the rest of the film.

if you want to simulate a Transformers fight scene, pick up a bunch of cars in Katamari Damacy, record 20 minutes of footage of you rolling around town, then seed a random number generator to choose five-second separated start/stop points within that footage. Reassemble your footage and VOILA! Some nondescript car parts are punching or shooting or rolling around with or fucking some other vaguely car-bit-shaped thing. MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE

TVC15 · « **Reply #18 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:19:49 PM »

Transformers was as dumb as FoC is racist. And anyone that likes it is approaching his level of dumbness.

Himu · « **Reply #19 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:19:57 PM »

Robot piss!

I dunno. I've seen lots of stupid movies so Transformers didn't phase me. I'm a pretty big fan of the "so bad it's good genre". Although Transformers was no goddamn Street Fighter, it was bad enough to consider getting drunk to

Ichirou · « **Reply #20 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:20:48 PM »

Seriously, however much you guys think that animation-style designs wouldn't work in live action/CGI (and the Another Century's Episode CG movies prove you guys wrong, IMO), I knew that those messy, overdesigned...things...would not look good during fight sequences, especially mixed with Bay's crazy editing.

Himu · « **Reply #21 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:23:15 PM »

im not exactly expecting logic from a movie that features robots that turn into trucks

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #22 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:25:32 PM »

there's implausibility of premise, and then there's implausibility of execution. at which point in this 2.5 hour commercial for eBay and Camaros did this escape you, himu? was there some subliminal messaging in those incomprehensibly frenetic furball fight scenes that my advanced brain somehow missed?

Himu · « **Reply #23 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:26:27 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on July 17, 2007, 11:25:32 PM

there's implausibility of premise, and then there's implausibility of execution. at which point in this 2.5 hour commercial for eBay and Camaros did this escape you, himu? was there some subliminal messaging in those incomprehensibly frenetic furball fight scenes that my advanced brain somehow missed?

maybe i just have a hard on for ebay

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #24 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:31:38 PM »

Thesis: the most well-developed and interestingly characterized member of the Transformers cast is Bumblebee...in Camaro form.

I think that this is easily arguable; that that car had more personality than any of the humans OR robots. It certainly did a better job than John Tuturro.

Also I liked the way they kept making visual puns on Optimus Prime's Japanese name what with all the CON-VOYYYYYYYS

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #25 on:** July 17, 2007, 11:31:48 PM »

Quote from: Himuro on July 17, 2007, 11:26:27 PM

maybe i just have a hard on

<nods>

Himu · « **Reply #26 on:** July 18, 2007, 12:24:29 AM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on July 17, 2007, 11:31:48 PM

Quote from: Himuro on July 17, 2007, 11:26:27 PM
maybe i just have a hard on

<nods>

bork · « **Reply #27 on:** July 18, 2007, 01:05:43 AM »

Fine, simpletons. Lord Michael Bay will not be driven into a state of bother from rogues such as yourselves. Indeed your idea of a "good time" is a romp at the local pub proceeded by a stay in the gutter. Stay within your parlors, gentlemen. The Lord Michael Bay is to bring his talent, nay, genius to light once again soon. And he has not the time of day for such petty squabble from the electric message boards.

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #28 on:** July 18, 2007, 01:08:45 AM »

what what in megan fox's butt

bork · « **Reply #29 on:** July 18, 2007, 01:22:12 AM »

Quote from: Synthesizer Patel on July 18, 2007, 01:08:45 AM

Good Sir, in the name of the Countess Megan Fox VIII, what is this you speak of?

-Sir Patel, High Lord Synthesizer

Indeed the expected response from a gentlemen who lacks the understanding of the fine arts. And sir, I dare say that Lord Michael Bay crafts the finest art of them all. I did journey to the theatre to partake in a glimpse of the newest piece from The Lord Michael Bay, and gentlemen, I was assured dissapointment would not come that day! Indeed, "Transformers" are automatons from the heavens themselves. Only The Lord Michael Bay would be able to craft a play surpassing any work of William Shakespeare. ONLY THE LORD MICHAEL BAY could create a play appearing to have been written by the hand of an angel! GOOD DAY, SIR.

Ichirou · « **Reply #30 on:** July 18, 2007, 01:24:46 AM »

lyte edge saved this thread.

Himu · « **Reply #31 on:** July 18, 2007, 01:25:51 AM »

Holy shit. This is awesome.

bork · « **Reply #32 on:** July 18, 2007, 01:38:24 AM »

Quote from: Ichirou on July 18, 2007, 01:24:46 AM

The Lord Lyte Of Edge hast indeed entered and returned this writing thread to its rightful glory from the depths of blackest darkness.

-Lord Ichirou V

Quote from: Himuro on July 18, 2007, 01:25:51 AM

In the name of the holy excrement, this script brings me to a jovial state!

-Sir Himuro Himuhimu XIIVXIXIII

Indeed! Tis an inspired writing, this script! To have the support from such men of honor is indeed an honor unto itself.

Eduardo24 · « **Reply #33 on:** July 20, 2007, 10:08:25 AM »

Just watched the movie today. I am dissapointed :'(. I went to the movies with the notion that the movie was bad, except for the Giant Robot fights. The fights were totally underwhelming.

*sigh*

I guess the movie fullfilled its purpose though. I HAVE to buy the new Optimus Prime toy. He and Bumblebee are the only robots that I actually liked.

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #34 on:** July 20, 2007, 10:47:22 AM »

Will gave this a B-

CajoleJuice · « **Reply #35 on:** July 20, 2007, 11:57:46 AM »

This movie is no less an abomination than Live Free or Die Hard. And both are better than Pirates 3.

Solo · « **Reply #36 on:** July 20, 2007, 12:03:31 PM »

All 3 arent worth a second viewing.

CajoleJuice · « **Reply #37 on:** July 20, 2007, 12:05:11 PM »

I'll probably end up buying the unrated DVD of DH4 because I'm a whore.

Solo · « **Reply #38 on:** July 20, 2007, 12:24:29 PM »

You are filthy!

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #39 on:** July 20, 2007, 12:50:03 PM »

Finally saw Transformers last night with a couple friends. All in all I would have to describe it as a CGI induced lobotomy, the equivalent of a diabetes attack only on a psychic level. At one point I could actually feel the dialouge scraping against my skull and dripping down my soul into a corrosive pool of... Okay, yeah I dig, in the immortal words of Doc Frankenfuter - "I didn't make it for you", so I asked one girl in our group what she thought of it. She looked at our nerdy friend and imperiously declared: "It was the cheesiest movie I ever saw".

But I do know it's one of those summer flicks where you're supposed to let daddy brain take a nap while baby eyes gets to soak up as much robot-on-robot goodness as it can. So i'll step back from the idea of a four story tall Autobot hiding behind a tree from a gathering crowd or the wince inducing ebonics of the 'black' autobot "Jazz" and focus on what this movie really is - A snapshot of how America wants to see itself: It's a magical America where the Army is beloved by the freedom-loving-but-ass-backwards Middle Easterners (Wow isn't Qatar great... why couldn't we have invaded them instead?), where our Secretary of Defense is on the ball (could you imagine "Rum-stud" telling the military to stand down until cooler heads prevailed), where 90% of the problems facing our youth is procuring a car that'll allow teenage boys to score with a super model with a heart of gold (Fact: There are no overweight women in America anymore... they all moved to Canada apparently)and most importantly it's an America where token minorities are there for entertainment purposes only and have less to say than our cars.

All in all best Chevrolet commercial ever!

Tauntaun · « **Reply #40 on:** July 20, 2007, 12:52:52 PM »

Quote from: Raoul Duke on July 20, 2007, 12:50:03 PM

It's a magical America where the Army is beloved by the freedom-loving-but-ass-backwards Middle Easterners (Wow isn't Qatar great... why couldn't we have invaded them instead?), where our Secretary of Defense is on the ball (could you imagine "Rum-stud" telling the military to stand down until cooler heads prevailed), where 90% of the problems facing our youth is procuring a car that'll allow teenage boys to score with a super model with a heart of gold (Fact: There are no overweight women in America anymore... they all moved to Canada apparently)and most importantly it's an America where token minorities are there for entertainment purposes only and have less to say than our cars.

All in all best Chevrolet commercial ever!

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Author Topic: Transformers, made me want to die! Transformers, "robot fun"? Will lies! (Read 4110 times)