It seems as if ever since the asteroids struck the earth 6,000 years ago and killed the dinosaurs and created man, that we have had one goal and only goal... to reproduce. The urge to spread our genes is so subconsciously involved in our lives that we disregard any kind of human emotion or cultural morals to successfully spread our baby batter. So I tried to decide if it was really worth upsetting some girl that I'll be forgetting by the time the cops came by that afternoon just to feel some sort of genetic success. It's just supply with demand. You'll fornicate as much as you're able to. It seems more likely every day that something's going to give and it's all just giving out on me. It reminds me of my trip to Baku, Azerbaijan last year. The immense feeling that followed my return from the country was overwhelming and probably my first bout with depression. It wasn't the bawling, cut myself type of depression. It was the "fuck the world and the horrible people inside of it" type of depression. I turned very cold hearted. I spoke to a man that I met in Singapore, Aigul, and he told me of this story that they had in his country. He asked me if I knew the reason God created Evil. I told him that it was so that man could have something to persevere against. He told me I was somewhat correct but that the story had been skewed by pussy whipped white men. He told me that God had first created man to live and flourish on the Earth. He then stated that God created women to nurture man and to care for and live in harmony with man. He said that God had apparently created a monster though. The woman wasn't happy that she was all man had in the world. She wanted more. So God created Evil to satisfy the beast. I don't find this wholly accurate because in the end, I believe men are just as bad as women. I mean, I've done some really terrible things in my time. I've simply lost my faith in humanity. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. Maybe not "the one". But pretty fuckin' close. But what is the chance of finding that person and everything NOT fucking up? Reminds me of a girl I hurt who wouldn't take me back. I went to see her once at her house because she wouldn't answer my calls. When I rang the doorbell, she came to the door and tells me "If you came here to tell me that you're sorry for the pain you couldn't cause then save your breath." and she slammed the door in my face. The idea of being alone doesn't scare me as much as the thought that I've already fucked up something good. Know what I mean? I think it's my life in general. I have a very good job, but I can definitely see myself here until retirement which scares me. Not to mention, I want to live elsewhere, I really do. But there is no way I could live more than 30-40 minutes from my daughter. No.Effin.Way. And I'm not nearly as racist as everyone assumes. I'm really a very open and loving person to all ethnicities. Any kind of racial jokes I make are more directed to the stereotypical representations of said ethnicity. And as much as I say I don't find black women attractive etc. I would never turn down a woman on ethnicity. A beautiful person is a beautiful person. I was watching Lady in the Water last night and when someone in the movie says "I wanted to believe more than most. I wanted to believe that there was something... anything more than this awfulness." It describes how I feel about the world. But there is something more. There are beautiful things all around us. However, our media and our fixations are just on the horrible things. New lives are forming every day, new art is created every day, beautiful skies and mountains are there every day and relationships are formed every day. I think the world would be a lot less depressed if not everything was about murders and killings and rape and nuclear fucking holocaust. We all know it's there, but throw us a feel good piece more often. The world needs such a tremendous change to save mankind. And I'm not talking about global warming or something. I'm talking about losing what makes us human. I think we all just feel content living in our drab world while we slowly die from the inside-out. I woke up the other day. And I can't live that way anymore. If I don't find love, I don't find love. I guess I'll just live without. I'm keeping nothing on my mind. It was all just a waste of time. I also won't feel bitter about what hasn't and what won't work out. It just wasn't meant to be. I've been chasing someone for the last few months. What we had didn't work out. She has kept me at arms length and won't tell me why. It's never going to happen. I need to face the facts and move on. I'm only hurting myself. If she really cared for me, she wouldn't do this to me anyways. Also, is it bad that I actually felt a little empty when I figured out I didn't absolutely love everything about Dulce Maria? That's kind of sad. I mean, it wasn't like "OMG WTF AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE". It was more like "even she isn't perfect." I was also told by someone that it's pretty shallow to disregard a relationship based on musical interests. I find that distinguished mentally-challenged. It all depends on how much influence music has on you. I love music. I abhorr Reggaeton. The fact that I'd abhorr people who love Reggaeton makes sense, right? My brother moved in about two weeks ago. I didn't realize how bad I'd really gotten. I'd forgotten how good it feels to come home and not have to be alone. Sure, there are times you want to be alone. But that feeling is a lot less weighing than wishing someone was there with you. I've been a completely different person the last two weeks. Everyone close to me has told me so. I also plan to post a lot less. You guys have been my support group for a while and I've met some really great people here. I love a lot of you. You know who you are. You've talked to me through a lot of bullshit and have given me a home for nearly a year now. I've never felt closer to an online community than you guys.
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