Let's celebrate the craft of sportswriting!

[Mandark]

Until now, Michael Vick has treated bad judgment like a poor tackler. He'd feint, or sidestep, or dance away. A suspicious water bottle at airport security? Somebody will take care of it. Mike will outrun a water bottle, even one with a secret compartment.

...

Vick's boss in Atlanta, Arthur Blank, and the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell, would tell Vick to come clean, tell them what he knew, deal with it all straight up. And Vick would jab-step, move, throw the spin move on everybody . . . until now.

...

Whether Vick is guilty or not, the Falcons now will be disrupted. Vick's life will be disrupted. You can't just fly in for hearings and play, the way Kobe Bryant did -- not in the NFL, where life on the field is more complicated and where owners and league executives are much less tolerant. Vick, plain and simple, is in a mess, the kind that will require a lot more than quarterback skills to get out of.

But Vick, according to a person with knowledge of such a conversation, told his advisers that law enforcement people couldn't prove he did anything. Vick thought he had stiff-armed his owner, his lawyers and the commish like a bunch of bad tacklers.

The moronic Vick apologists will want to spin this ahead and say, "It's behind him now" when it's anything but behind him. It'll take years to put this behind him. People will be harder on Vick for this than they would be for battering his wife, the logic of which, frankly, escapes me. Still, if Vick thinks his 4.4 speed will allow him to quickly outrun this he's so wrong.

Truly, one of the masters.

[bagofeyes]

lol sportswriting

[Mandark]

It's not a really horrible metaphor.  It shows Vick being used to his speed and athletic skill to escape from non-physical predicaments as well as the obvious physical ones, because those skills gave other people financial incentives to protect him.

It's just that it's a really, really obvious metaphor to use, yet Wilbon's so pleased with himself for using it that he milks it in three different columns.

Not to pick on Wilbon.  Most of the genre is like this, or worse.

Outside of actual experts, the average sports column is an excuse to pontificate over whether Star X or Team Y reflects the writer's morals (defense is reflective of the Protestant work ethic; offense is effete), or to break out the State University English Degree Skillz.

[CajoleJuice]

I like Wilbon. 

[The Fake Shemp]

You can tell when Wilbon phones stuff in - like that column.  When he's passionate about a subject, however misguided or racially motivated he might be, he is one of the best in the business.  That said, most of the talking heads in sports analysis are obnoxious and awful.

I think the two writers I hate the most are Pete Prisco and Mike Wise, though.

[Smooth Groove]

What do you guys think of Bill Simmons?  I used to like him but now he's too full of himself.  He's just not as funny or as smart as he think he is.  I've heard him on sports radio and he sounds even more obnoxious in person.  What's most annoying of all is that he tries to act like he's as hip as a teeanager by talking about crap MTV shows. 

[The Fake Shemp]

Yeah, you heard me, Mandark!  Fuck Mike Wise!  He's a Washington outsider with an edge!  Look at him as he regurgitates talking points, cuts and pastes interview responses and tells it like it is!  He's an outsider!  Roar!

[The Fake Shemp]

Bill Simmons stopped being entertaining when he started thinking he was funny.

MAN IM SO SARCASTIC AND RELEVANT LOOK AT ME MAKE POP CULTURE AND LOCAL REFERENCES WITH MY SLY SARCASTIC HUMOR LOL U CANT TOUCH THIS

[Smooth Groove]

Bill Simmons stopped being entertaining when he started thinking he was funny.

MAN IM SO SARCASTIC AND RELEVANT LOOK AT ME MAKE POP CULTURE AND LOCAL REFERENCES WITH MY SLY SARCASTIC HUMOR LOL U CANT TOUCH THIS

word.

[The Fake Shemp]

He basically tries to rip Tony Kornheiser's schtick, which is keeping his finger on the pulse of pop culture and reveling in it.  The difference is Kornheiser plays it for laughs - he knows he's an old schmuck and his self-depreciating humor works well when he dabbles in American Idol worship on PTi.  Simmons plays it like he's "cool" and "one of us", whatever the fuck that means.  If that backfires, Simmons quickly relies on his I'M FROM BOSTON crutch, as if that gives him some kind of sports analysis credibility. 

See, he's from BOSTON! 

That means he's tough and remembers the glory days!  And now BOSTON rules at sports once more!  He's from BOSTON!  Are you from BOSTON?  You're not?  Then you don't know what it's like to be from BOSTON, like Bill Simmons!

He's from BOSTON!

[CajoleJuice]

Kornheiser

I used to love his stuff in the ESPN the mag. I didn't like "I'm Back for More Cash" though.

[Mandark]

I like Wilbon. 

So do I.  I always used to watch him, Kornheiser, and Riggins on the Redskins Report, and PTI is the only talking-heads sports show I can regularly watch.

Willco's right that Wilbon can do some good columns when he really cares about something.  I think his commentary on racial issues is pretty good too, as opposed to someone like Scoop Jackson.

Mike Wise is stupid and boring and I hate him.  I can understand the WashPost hiring from out of the area for the A or business sections, but sports?  If you're going to do that, the guy better be exceptional.  Mike Wise is a five-tool mediocrity: he's not good at humor, insider scoops, in-depth analysis, prose style, or local color.

I realize that Kornheiser and Wilbon are both transplants, but Wilbon was a beat reporter for a decade, and Kornheiser did as much to immerse himself in the local sports culture as anyone.  When I was a kid, Bandwagon, Choking Dogs, and The Curse Of Les Boulez were in everyone's lexicon.



Oh, and Bill Simmons has outstayed his welcome.  He may have been a breath of fresh air, once, but if I got started on him now, it'd be hard to stop ranting.  So I'll leave it at this, for now:

He constantly makes references to 90's Fox series (Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place), and has yet to drop a single Simpsons reference.

[The Fake Shemp]

I used to really like Kornheiser, when he actually wrote a real column for The Washington Post and not these fortune cookie-sized blurbs he tries to pass off as one nowadays.  His columns weren't even always about sports; his commentary on everyday life was just as amusing as his barbs on local sports teams.

Now, he's everywhere.  And I'm happy that he's found some financial security and national exposure, but he's spread himself way too thin.  As a result, nothing really comes across as sincere anymore - it feels like he's playing a caricature of Tony Kornheiser.  This came to a head when he started working on Monday Night Football, where his color commentary was so forced that it was painful to watch.  He plays a character, all the time, and it never stops.  It's just not that entertaining and I really miss the more personal, sincere Kornheiser that he mixed in with his colorful banter.

[Smooth Groove]

He basically tries to rip Tony Kornheiser's schtick, which is keeping his finger on the pulse of pop culture and reveling in it.  The difference is Kornheiser plays it for laughs - he knows he's an old schmuck and his self-depreciating humor works well when he dabbles in American Idol worship on PTi.  Simmons plays it like he's "cool" and "one of us", whatever the fuck that means.  If that backfires, Simmons quickly relies on his I'M FROM BOSTON crutch, as if that gives him some kind of sports analysis credibility. 

See, he's from BOSTON! 

That means he's tough and remembers the glory days!  And now BOSTON rules at sports once more!  He's from BOSTON!  Are you from BOSTON?  You're not?  Then you don't know what it's like to be from BOSTON, like Bill Simmons!

He's from BOSTON!

   You should send this to his email and see if he'll print it.  The sad thing is that he really thinks he's cool because he's the champion of the thirthy-something year olds that still act like they're College undergrads. 

[CajoleJuice]

Doesn't the MNF team work a little better this year though? I haven't watched any of them, but that's the impression I got from Deadspin.

But yeah, when Kornheiser got on MNF I was thinking, "Oh come on. I love him, but this is too much"

[The Fake Shemp]

Mandark is making me nostalgic for those times when I used to read Kornheiser's columns on my way to Eastern Middle School.  Oh, how I'd laugh and weep and laugh as he brought out the bandwagon during the glory Brad Johnson year(s), kept on with his constant Michael Westbrook and Frerotte (head into wall get!) mockery and spat at the curse of Les Boulez.

And I'd never send Bill Simmons an e-mail like that.  He'd likely print it and pat himself on the back for being such a tough skinned guy because he's from BOSTON.  And people from BOSTON are TUFF and like MELROSE PLACE.

[Mandark]

Wilbon actually did a fairly good interview on Bill Simmons' fake radio show, where they talked about Kornheiser.  He said that Kornheiser's talked himself into believing he can't write columns anymore.  "I'm just a screaming head," etc.  Sounds like the Jewish insecurity gene kicking in.

Another gripe about sportswriters: The massive reliance on received wisdom.  Especially for the general-purpose guys, very few of them actually watch a good amount of what they're commenting on, and it gets really obvious when they talk about stuff you've actually seen.

Case in point: The number of writers/announcers who credited with Wizards with running the Princeton Offense when they made the playoffs with Arenas/Jamison/Hughes and hardly ever passed the ball.  It was like the opposite of the Princeton Offense (the "Montgomery College Offense?").

[The Fake Shemp]

HEY, HARVARD ON THE PIKE IS A FINE INSTITUTION!

But yeah, you can tell when a sportswriter has just read press releases and game notes.  Mike Wise is always guilty of this, by the way.  I can at least applaud Wilbon for trying to phase himself out of football analysis, because he obviously is passionate about basketball, and realizes where his strengths are.

I think Kornheiser's issue, more or less, is that he has received national exposure for being "that guy on PTI", which is definitely a character he plays up.  And he doesn't want to let anyone down by not being that character.  He was probably less financially secure and less known when he was just a simple WaPost columnist, but that relative anonymity allowed him to be more sincere.  Most locals couldn't recognize him until he started making regular appearances on NBC4 with George Michael.  And even then, compare his appearances on local TV to his national show, and it's light and day in terms of how he performs in front of the camera.  He seems much more down to Earth.

Now he is a known face and has a known schtick, and I think he doesn't want to let anyone down by not living up to that.

[Mandark]

The Redskins Report stuff with Riggins (I'd watch the late showing, after Saturday Night Live) was the shit.  A lot quieter and relaxed, definitely.

You know, I haven't actually read a Mike Wise column in at least a month, even though I get the paper.  The Post's online operation is really good, with the Sports Bog, and the sport-specific Insider blogs by the beat writers.  Absolutely scorches the printed opinion/analysis stuff they run.

As an aside, I bet Kevin Costner knows Thomas Boswell as "that guy who keeps sending me screenplays of baseball or golf movies he's written."

[The Fake Shemp]

The Boz seems like he would totally wax poetic about baseball as America's pastime, to the point where it might be sickening.

I really wanted to dislike Jason La Canfora; his contempt for Dan Snyder and Vinny Cerrato (although I passionately dislike the latter) bordered on absurd, with his repeated attempts to paint him as some kind of super villain.  He also tried too hard to make a name for himself early on and it cost him his credibility on a couple of occasions.  But he's pulled it together and his analysis of the team has improved with each passing year.  I think a lot of it has to due with him bonding with some of the character guys in the locker room, knowing how his audience reacts and learning to reign in some of his less than objective views on management.

[etiolate]

Sports writing is drowning in its parroting of opinion and topics.  You wouldn't even have to have an entertaining personality to rise to the top in sports writing, if you just simply stopped repeating the same thing everyone else is saying and come up with an idea, an opinion and then write it.  Such lazy journalism everywhere.