I hate Bill Simmons and wish for him to be shot in the street

[The Fake Shemp]

Normally, his smarmy, know-it-all demeanor coupled with lame pop-culture references is somewhat tolerable since I don't have the read the whole headline of his latest ESPN masterpiece on their front page.  But with the Patriots lighting up the league, ESPN has decided to plaster Simmons' commentary all over the place.  I can't escape it.

The worst part is that he is completely delusional.  His recent editorials have been very condescending as he talks up the new, unbeatable Patriots dynasty and makes wild comparisons to the Yankees.  "Everyone's rooting against them!"

... who is rooting against the Patriots?  The vile spewed towards the Yankees and their insane payroll is nothing compared to some of the jealously extended New England's way for efficiently utilizing the salary cap and good management.  He's trying to create an illusion that's not there.  AND I WANT HIM TO DIE.

[DJ_Tet]

Normally, his smarmy, know-it-all demeanor coupled with lame pop-culture references is somewhat tolerable

Funny, I thought you'd be his biggest fan.

I'm a big fan of him but his homerism is a double-edged sword.  It's what gives his articles history and depth, but it's annoying to read about three teams all the time.  He is quite delusional, and even went so far as to get one of my friends to swear him off after blasting Charlotte for the 20th time.  I even wrote him a scathing email detailing how I had turned my bad luck against his team for the draft lottery for that column, and it worked, Celts got screwed in the lottery.

I have mixed feelings about the guy.  On one hand, he's somewhat of a personal writing hero, he has the job I wish I could have.  On the other hand, he's obviously a delusional douchebag, and I hope Boston teams burn just to spite him.  It's a complicated situation, but I always look forward to his columns.  His recent transition (in two weeks nonetheless) from a distraught Pats fan to a "Fuck you, your team cheated too!" Pats fan has been particularly annoying, and I'd tell him off to his face for it if I ever saw him.

[Phoenix Dark]

Normally, his smarmy, know-it-all demeanor coupled with lame pop-culture references is somewhat tolerable since I don't have the read the whole headline of his latest ESPN masterpiece on their front page.  But with the Patriots lighting up the league, ESPN has decided to plaster Simmons' commentary all over the place.  I can't escape it.

The worst part is that he is completely delusional.  His recent editorials have been very condescending as he talks up the new, unbeatable Patriots dynasty and makes wild comparisons to the Yankees.  "Everyone's rooting against them!"

... who is rooting against the Patriots?  The vile spewed towards the Yankees and their insane payroll is nothing compared to some of the jealously extended New England's way for efficiently utilizing the salary cap and good management.  He's trying to create an illusion that's not there.  AND I WANT HIM TO DIE.

Wait until the NBA season begins 

[thekavorka]

I still like Bill Simmons...when he's not talking about anything Boston related.

Seriously, whenever he mentions the Pats, Sox, or Celtics, I just want to kick him in the face. When he's not talking about those three teams, he's still an enjoyable read for me.

[BlueTsunami]

New England fans and sports writers still haven't shrugged off the underdog stigma. Its either because they are delusional or like feeling like underdogs.

[Mandark]

Last year he had an article whining about how people didn't like the Pats enough.

"Don't people say they want to see teamwork, no showboating, and hard work?  Why don't people root for my home team?"  Etc.

I'm waiting for the NBA season to start so I can get a regular fix at Wizznutzz.

[DJ_Tet]

This guy is fucked in the head.  I doubt anyone else has ever noticed this, but I swear he takes potshots at Charlotte sports teams all the fucking time.  This latest example isn't really a potshot but more of a what-the-fuck, but it's almost EVERY WEEK he slights this area either due to our pro basketball history or our football team which has done nothing to him but lose a SB by 3 points to his team. 

Anyway, if I had to guess, all this hatred goes back to the Charlotte Hornets ending his boy Kevin McHale's career.  Again, doubtful anyone here remembers the series so I'll recap.  It was the Hornets first time in the playoffs, and McHale was known to be retiring at the end of the playoffs, Bird was already gone.  The Celts blew out the Hornets in game 1 in the Garden, but in game 2 Reggie Lewis collapsed during the game.  He never came back in the series, and ended up dying in the offseason.  Anyway, Charlotte won game 2 in OT and blew out the Celts back in Charlotte in game 3.  Game 4 was a classic, an all timer.

Anyone familiar with basketball has seen the shot Zo hit from the top of the key.  A 21 foot rainbow jumper with a soft touch, nothing but net to put the Hornets up one and his teammates piling on top of him.  Zo was a rookie that year, amazing.  Anyway, what you don't see in those highlights is that the refs put like .5 seconds back on the clock.  The Celts still had life, with McHale inbounding from the sidelines at midcourt.  McHale threw a freaking perfect pass, about 1 foot above the rim to the right.  Amazingly enough, high flyer Dee Brown was RIGHT THERE.  Unfortunately for the Celts, so was Kendall Gill.  As Brown tipped the pass towards the basket, Gill swatted it away. 

Was it goaltending?  I say no, as you have to have a chance to 'defend the shot.'  However, Brown was way up there, and was in effect shooting 'down' on the hoop, which could technically make it goaltending.  McHale pleaded for the call, but there was no call made.  His career was over.  Bill Simmons huddled in a corner with his bong and cried.  And he's held a grudge against Charlotte ever since.

Latest slight:

Weekly Power Poll:

HEADLESS HORSEMEN
18. Carolina
17. Arizona


Carolina is 4-2, Arizona is 3-3.  Last week, Carolina beat Arizona, in Arizona, 25-10.  Fuck you Bill Simmons you biased piece of shit.

I still read his columns like a bitch though  :'(


edit:  To further that Carolina/Arizona bullshit, Carolina has Vinny Testaverde and David Carr at QB, while Arizona have Tim Rattay and Tim Hasselbeck.  Kurt Warner got his non-throwing elbow torn up last week and is out for a couple of weeks at least.  Come on, he watches every football game religiously, this is a slight, not an oversight.  And he can't honestly think Arizona is better than Carolina...

[Phoenix Dark]

The Patriots have haters, but it has more to do with people liking to root against the best teams. I never got the impression there's some vast hate club against them - outside of GAF's NFL thread of course. Spy-gate really validated their hatred didn't it lol

[CajoleJuice]

Fuck the Patriots. I rather have Tom Brady dragged into the street and shot.

[BlueTsunami]

Man, Spy-gate is something that will tarnish this awesome Pats dynasty and that fucken blows

Fuck the Patriots. I rather have Tom Brady dragged into the street and shot.

I'ma bout to bust out some Lord Brady rhetoric in this motha f'a, Y2Kev! Where ya at!?

[CajoleJuice]

Y2Kev is a disgusting human being. He's a Yankee fan that also loves Tom Brady. How is that even fucking possible?

[Phoenix Dark]

I don't think it tarnishes anything personally. The Patriots weren't the only team doing that, and other teams knew about it before this year; the Lions and Packers caught them doing it last season.

And with the way they're bulldozing the league right now it seems like they don't need an upper hand.

Tom Brady <3. I met him 

[The Fake Shemp]

The Patriot hate is more or less jealousy.  There's nothing the Patriots have done that other teams can't do.  And it certainly isn't on the same level as the Yankees.  Baseball players hate the Yankees!

Trying to create this US vs THEM mentality to insulate yourself is just childish.

[Phoenix Dark]

Pretty much. I'm more pissed off with the media hype surrounding them. There's no denying they're a top 2 team in the league this year, but how this has been turned into "best team of all time, unbeaten season!" crap is crazy. What does ESPN want to do, give them the superbowl in fucking October?

[CajoleJuice]

People seem to forget that the Colts are also undefeated and are the DEFENDING CHAMPIONS.

On the other hand, they didn't add an apparently motivated Randy Moss.

[Phoenix Dark]

Pats have a better defense and offense. They came pretty damn close from beating the Colts last year as well.

[Smooth Groove]

I think we've talked about this before but that's OK since Bill Simmons still sucks.  He's even more annoying during the NBA season when he talks endlessly about how he should be hired as a general manager.  Get over yourself already, Bill.  No one, other than your loser 40yr old virgin fans, gives a shit that you're from Boston, watches MTV, watched Merose/90210, WWE, etc... 

[Phoenix Dark]

 

I hope the Celtics are a trainwreck. I'm betting with Blackace that they won't be a top 3 team in the east - ballsy, possibly insane. But I'm not jumping on this bandwagon which will no doubt be unbearable

[CajoleJuice]

Go Knicks!!

:suicide

[BlueTsunami]

Man, imagine if there was a year where every.single Massachusetts team (from the top tier sports. Basketball, Football, Baseball and Hockey) won a Championship? I think life as we know it would just blip out *snaps fingers* like that

[CajoleJuice]

Cleveland is much more pathetic than Boston.

[Mandark]

He's even more annoying during the NBA season when he talks endlessly about how he should be hired as a general manager.  Get over yourself already, Bill.

If he had been Toronto's GM, he would have taken Morrison over Bargnani!  He was aiming some pretty heavy ridicule at the Raptors for taking the European...

[thekavorka]

The patriots are a dirty dirty team. it has nothing to do with jealousy. they're just douchebags.

[BlueTsunami]

The whole "We won the game but we're gonna keep scoring" thing they did to Dallas was pretty dirty but in an awesome way

[ferrarimanf355]

... who is rooting against the Patriots?  The vile spewed towards the Yankees and their insane payroll is nothing compared to some of the jealously extended New England's way for efficiently utilizing the salary cap and good management.  He's trying to create an illusion that's not there.  AND I WANT HIM TO DIE.

I'd root against the Patriots this week, but they're playing the Dolphins this week, so...  :'(

[thekavorka]

The whole "We won the game but we're gonna keep scoring" thing they did to Dallas was pretty dirty but in an awesome way

They also have Rodney "HGH" Harrison and Mike "I love to go at people's knees when they're not looking" Vrabel.

Cowboys have a pretty dirty player in roy williams, but he gets fined and caught all the time. Nothing happens to the guys on the patriots.

[etiolate]

Loaded Patriots team, Redsox in the series, and Celtics full of stars. Might as well post his articles directly to a boston fan forum and spare the rest of the world.

[CajoleJuice]

The next Simmons column is going to be fucking painful.

[Phoenix Dark]

Brady 

[Flannel Boy]

Brady 

He's playing Madden 94' on easy. SICK

[CajoleJuice]

From GAF:

Massachusetts is like Israel and Brady is our lord returning from Heaven, the Red Sox are Brady's Angels obviously. It all makes sense. Such a beautiful moment.

If that's truly the case, this will all be worth it to see Brady die on a crucifix.

It would be glorious.

[BlueTsunami]

Bastard!

I could imagine Peyton dawning a large beard and ancient gettup. FUCKEN JEW

[Phoenix Dark]

I like the Pats because they "play the right way", as Larry Brown would say. All they do is go out there and compete, leaving it all on the field. No bullshit, just football. Brady is just the perfect example of class, excellence, and skill. Peyton gets all the hype and commercial but Brady is quiet killah

[CajoleJuice]

I like the Pats because they "play the right way"

Which obviously includes taping the other team's signals.

[Phoenix Dark]

 

[thekavorka]

I like the Pats because they "play the right way"

Which obviously includes taping the other team's signals.

or going after people's knees

I hope the Celtics bomb hard this year. Oh wait, then we have to read columns about how Simmons would be the best general manager in the league.

[The Fake Shemp]

This renaissance of Boston sports is made more painful by Simmons - we have but one choice, systematically destroy the Boston-area professional sports teams or kill Bill Simmons.  Which ever one, I'm cool with it.

[DJ_Tet]

I'm afraid I can't let you kill Bill Simmons, as Anakin would say "I need him."

However, his meltdown after seeing Boston wiped from the face of the map ala New Orleans would be classic material, so I can support that idea. 

The thing that upsets me is, here's a sports fan who has seen multiple championships in basketball, football and hockey, and even a miracle world series run, and he's still such a little entitled bitch.  He doesn't even respect what he's had. 

[bluemax]

I'm afraid I can't let you kill Bill Simmons, as Anakin would say "I need him."

However, his meltdown after seeing Boston wiped from the face of the map ala New Orleans would be classic material, so I can support that idea. 

The thing that upsets me is, here's a sports fan who has seen multiple championships in basketball, football and hockey, and even a miracle world series run, and he's still such a little entitled bitch.  He doesn't even respect what he's had. 

This is why I hate Boston sports fans. They know nothing of pain and suffering (don't give me that curse bullshit you assholes still had the Celtics, Patriots and Bruins). Fuck Simmons and fuck Boston.

[T234]

I'm afraid I can't let you kill Bill Simmons, as Anakin would say "I need him."

However, his meltdown after seeing Boston wiped from the face of the map ala New Orleans would be classic material, so I can support that idea. 

The thing that upsets me is, here's a sports fan who has seen multiple championships in basketball, football and hockey, and even a miracle world series run, and he's still such a little entitled bitch.  He doesn't even respect what he's had. 

This is why I hate Boston sports fans. They know nothing of pain and suffering (don't give me that curse bullshit you assholes still had the Celtics, Patriots and Bruins). Fuck Simmons and fuck Boston.

LOL SONICS LOL

[bluemax]

I'm afraid I can't let you kill Bill Simmons, as Anakin would say "I need him."

However, his meltdown after seeing Boston wiped from the face of the map ala New Orleans would be classic material, so I can support that idea. 

The thing that upsets me is, here's a sports fan who has seen multiple championships in basketball, football and hockey, and even a miracle world series run, and he's still such a little entitled bitch.  He doesn't even respect what he's had. 

This is why I hate Boston sports fans. They know nothing of pain and suffering (don't give me that curse bullshit you assholes still had the Celtics, Patriots and Bruins). Fuck Simmons and fuck Boston.

LOL SONICS LOL

Hey Simmons who got Durant?

Not Boston!

[DJ_Tet]

You're welcome for that.

Not CHARLOTTE either  :'(

[Phoenix Dark]

Durant is a bust. Write it down

[bluemax]

Durant is a bust. Write it down

He's already better than Rashard Lewis and younger and less expensive.

[Phoenix Dark]

Durant is a bust. Write it down

He's already better than Rashard Lewis and younger and less expensive.

I don't believe that. Durant is the next Adam Morrison

[DJ_Tet]

Durant is a bust. Write it down

He's already better than Rashard Lewis and younger and less expensive.

I don't believe that. Durant is the next Adam Morrison

  @ durant > lewis


 :'( @ broken ass adam morrison

[DJ_Tet]

I found my email to Bill Simmons.  No, he never printed it, and yes, I am fucked in the head.

Dear Bill,

It didn't have to be this way.

That's what I want to tell you, that it didn't have to be this way.

I was your biggest fan.  I got every one of your stupid, wordy jokes and I loved every vague 80's reference.  You were like the older brother whom I never had, the one with whom I could reminisce today.  And that's what made yesterday so sad for me.

My friends, they are all done with you.  Intentional or not, you have destroyed any credibility you had among hardcore sports fans in Charlotte.  Your petty little jabs had been coming for years, sometimes they even made me chuckle.  But to dedicate a whole 6 inches of typespace blasting every Charlotte Hornet fan who turned on the NBA after all this mess was too much.  I agreed with your sentiment that Hornet fans should get over it, and I think Charlotte is fortunate to get another chance.  For some reason though, you just can't let it go.

To give Charlotte fans a 0 for suffering is a brutal slap in the face, and to accuse us of crying when you've built a career on it is just hilarious.  I can't wait to read your 'Woe Is Me, the Celtics got screwed and the Lottery system is fatally flawed' column.  You poor Celtic fans, who have only seen 3 or 4 NBA championships in your lifetime. 

Do you even realize how much the NBA disrespected this city, which sold out it's building for damn near a decade?  We didn't even get the token gesture of keeping our history or colors.  You don't think that hurt for someone who loved basketball growing up?  I wanted the Hornets to be like the Celtics, and for some reason I think all this Charlotte hate goes back to when the Hornets ended McHale's career.  Maybe that is an oversimplification, but you know you think Kendall Gill goaltended.  That is no reason to destroy true basketball fans in this city on a national level.

Which brings me to yesterday.  I am one of the most unlucky people my friends know.  I could bore you with anecdote after anecdote, but let's just say that the first horse race I've ever been excited about was the Preakness last year.  RIP Barbaro.  Anyway, just as I was about to pull on my 'lucky' orange Charlotte Bobcat shirt (yes, some of us did convert, we're a bunch of suckers who love basketball), I thought about your column on Monday.  And your history of slamming my city, in your little offhanded throwaway comments. 

And I pulled on a celtic green shirt and wore it with pride, knowing finally, I got you.

Cheers,

Brian in Charlotte

[Mandark]

The worst part about the Patriots this year is that the biggest absolute moron in my fantasy league drafted Tom Brady.  It's a league where QB's are on par with RB's, so the monster year Brady's having is that much bigger a factor, and he's 6-1.

I can't begin to describe how cocky he is about his own distinguished mentally-challenged sports analysis, and every week that Brady throws 4+ TD's and gets him a win, his idiocy gets validated.

It's unbelievably frustrating to have Forrest Gump in our league talking shit from the #1 spot.

[BlueTsunami]

[DJ_Tet]

I'm troubled 

[Smooth Groove]

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/071023&sportCat=mlb

 

[The Fake Shemp]

See what I'm talking about!

[Smooth Groove]

Oh no, Wilco.

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/7376962

[DJ_Tet]

Speaking of New England juggernauts, the fans from a certain New England college continue to be outraged that I won't acknowledge a particular undefeated college season that's happening right now. And you know what? You're right. I need to be the bigger man here. So let's acknowledge it ... congratulations to Curry College for your 8-0 start!

 

Could you IMAGINE how intolerable he would be if he had gone to BC instead of Holy Cross?

[Bloodwake]

So, cruising around ESPN today, saw a new Simmons article, and had to resurrect this gem from the dead.


http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080904

[Joe Molotov]

This is still the best Bill Simmons' column ever (of the ones that I've read, which isn't very many because I usually ignore him):
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080204

His description of the post-game scene that he'd imagined, with him hanging out Tom Brady is just loltastic beyond belief.

[Phoenix Dark]

Durant is a bust. Write it down

who the fuck said this

[Flannel Boy]

Durant is a bust. Write it down

who the fuck said this

Yes, the Rookie of the Year was a bust and . . .

Durant is the next Adam Morrison

 

Damn

[CajoleJuice]

This is still the best Bill Simmons' column ever (of the ones that I've read, which isn't very many because I usually ignore him):
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080204

His description of the post-game scene that he'd imagined, with him hanging out Tom Brady is just loltastic beyond belief.

Yes. yes it is. I don't even need to click on the link to know what you're talking about.

And also, his article before this season is looking right. At least about the Pats not making the Super  Bowl and the Jets being a sleeper pick.

[Joe Molotov]

He also said Payton Manning and the Colts would start out horribly. So far, so good.