Author Topic: How come nobody ever uses Jews to fight the undead in horror movies? (Read 4293 times)

The Fake Shemp · « **on:** October 23, 2006, 02:37:29 PM »

Are they not religious enough to fight the forces of evil? Some of the earliest roots of vampire and demon tales come from Judaism, as well as the granddaddy of religious mysticism - the Kabbalah.

I think it's a ploy by the Jewish run Hollywood system to trick normal folks into believing Jesus will save them, when in fact - he will not. The Jews have made a blood pact with demons and vampires, so when the time comes for their plan of global domination, the Hollywood brainwashed masses will use crosses, garlic and Christian superstitions to no avail. They will be overrun, leaving the Jews, demons, vampires and demonic Jewish vampires to take over the planet.

Catalyst · « **Reply #1 on:** October 23, 2006, 02:38:24 PM »

RACIST

What about blacks fighting evil? Fighting the rich white man from the ghetto using ghetto blasters and g-unit taserguns.

YEAH!

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #2 on:** October 23, 2006, 02:40:27 PM »

You can't call that racist - Jews aren't a race. There are black Jews and hispanic Jews and all kinds of Jews. And most are good people.

But, c'mon, don't you find it a little suspscious that nobody in the Jew-run Hollywood machine has tried to put a little Jew in the horror genre?

Pretty sneaky sis.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #3 on:** October 23, 2006, 02:41:26 PM »

Because the jews ARE the vampires

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #4 on:** October 23, 2006, 02:42:04 PM »

Okay, here is my goal.

To make a movie where the heroes call upon a rabbi to fight the forces of evil. And not some shitty Troma film, but a GOOD, legitimate film.

Catalyst · « **Reply #5 on:** October 23, 2006, 02:43:18 PM »

Quote from: Willco on October 23, 2006, 02:40:27 PM

You can't call that racist - Jews aren't a race. There are black Jews and hispanic Jews and all kinds of Jews. And most are good people.

But, c'mon, don't you find it a little suspscious that nobody in the Jew-run Hollywood machine has tried to put a little Jew in the horror genre?

Pretty sneaky sis.

I know they're not a race, they're a lineage (if, and only if) by blood

.

I really couldn't see a Jewish person fighting zombies and shit. They're too nice. They'd just raise their hand and zombies would fall to the ground. It'd be too easy. They're not your average white, black, yellow, green, brown person.

Seriously.

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #6 on:** October 23, 2006, 02:47:02 PM »

Nobody has tackled Jewish mysticism in a mainstream Hollywood horror film, especially when there's so much to work with. You're talking about the religion that created the demon vampire hybrid. The golem. Exorcisms.

In all seriousness, I do blame it on orthodox Jews that keep the real Kabbalah super hush-hush. And I'm not talking about that distinguished mentally-challenged mystical occult bullshit Madonna belongs to, but the actual religious and historical text that few truly dabble in. I don't know whether it's due to the fact that they may view it as a source of shame considering how practical Jews view their faith or whether or not there's some legitimately crazy shit in there - but it's not something Hebrews take lightly.

Catalyst · « **Reply #7 on:** October 23, 2006, 02:51:20 PM »

It's not meant to be dabbled in.

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #8 on:** October 23, 2006, 02:53:22 PM »

I am going to make a film where a time traveling Hebrew teams up with Alistair Crowley to fight a vampire demon hellbent on taking over the mortal plane of existence. They use all kinds of crazy shit and laser guns. Soundtrack by Queen.

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #9 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:01:06 PM »

Deleted by user

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #10 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:01:52 PM »

No, I'm sorry, we're going with Queen only. You can use those artists if you'd like to do a MUSIC INSPIRED BY album, though.

ToxicAdam · « **Reply #11 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:02:33 PM »

At some point in the Jewish history, westernized Jews made a pact with aliens and broke away from their vampiric forebearers. The Polish Jews (haha Polacks) and most of the Eastern Europe Jews are still stuck with their old blood pact.

I'm pretty sure that Madonna is with alien Jews.

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #12 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:03:51 PM »

Deleted by user

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #13 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:04:12 PM »

Quote from: Willco on October 23, 2006, 02:42:04 PM

Okay, here is my goal.

To make a movie where the heroes call upon a rabbi to fight the forces of evil. And not some shitty Troma film, but a GOOD, legitimate film.

No, how about this:

The Bible speaks of the great Arod, a fearless hunter who fought the fire breathing Leviathin. But the 66 books of the Bible do not detail the full story. According to Apocryphical books, Arod journeyed to the depths of hell to hunt the great Leviathan. During the battle Arod was injured. While trying to espape hell, Arod accidentily let something espape...

Thousands of years later a Jewish man named Avi goes on a vacation in India and is kidnapped by a group of terrorists. He finds that he's been taken to Syria by a sect of radical Muslims, whose goal is to kill the last remaining bloodline of Arod. For Arod, while trying to esape hell, unleased the Upir, the root spirit of the vampire race. In order to take live humans as hosts, Arod's bloodline must be eliminated from the earth. Until that time, the Upir can only host the bodies of animals and dead humans; only live human hosts can provide the superhuman strength vampires are known for, which will allow them to take over the world. Avi, the last person on the planet in Arod's bloodline, is the only hope humanity has against the ascension of the Upir.

It is now up to Avi to stop the sect. With the help of his girlfriend, his best friend Jose, and a myserious man named Kenji, Avi must fight his way through the vampire infested alleys of Syria to the Iraq border. The survival of man depends on it.

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #14 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:07:50 PM »

No, that sucks.

My combination of Alistair Crowley, time travel, laser guns, Michael Bay and soundtrack by Queen is the only way to legitimize Hebrew mysticism.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #15 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:09:19 PM »

Mine is 10 times beter!

Catalyst · « **Reply #16 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:10:50 PM »

There's this old game called "Ethnic Cleansing" that used the Genesis 3D engine that came out in 2002 (I thought it was earlier?). You were a white supremecist who killed all other races and stuff. It was an FPS.

Never played it, though..

There was a boss called "Big Nig"

.

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #17 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:13:08 PM »

Wow, that was unrelated!

Quote from: PhoenixDark

Mine is 10 times beter!

I fell asleep two sentences in. The complete lack of Alistair Crowley, time travel and laser guns really killed your idea. You didn't even shoot for Michael Bay.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #18 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:15:07 PM »

It was totally awesome. Most stories about Jews deal with Jesus' bloodline, but NOT MY STORY. Innovation! Intrigue! Arod!

Someone pitch this to Tarantino asap

Ecrofirt · « **Reply #19 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:44:10 PM »

Monster Squad?

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #20 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:45:52 PM »

i'd make a movie where hot vampire whores make out and polish each others' pearls.

that's it, really. one of 'em could be a jew, but i'd like most of 'em to be shikse vampires. shikse vampires are just hotter.

Melissa · « **Reply #21 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:46:14 PM »

http://www.google.com/search?num=50&hl=en&lr=&safe=off&q=%22jewish+horror+movies%22

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #22 on:** October 23, 2006, 03:52:11 PM »

You suck, Melissa

brawndolicious · « **Reply #23 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:12:23 PM »

Didn't The Jewish Hammer have a jewish hero?

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #24 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:13:19 PM »

Quote from: am nintenho on October 23, 2006, 04:12:23 PM

Didn't The Jewish Hammer have a jewish hero?

Porno movies don't count

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #25 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:14:31 PM »

First off - it was The Hebrew Hammer, which was a holiday-oriented comedy about a Jewish pseudo-detective that saved Christmas. Which has nothing to do with horror films, other than it was so not funny that the movie was actually horrific. So in that respect, you might be right - we could be looking at the first Jewish horror film.

Yet, it has nothing to do with vampires, demons and/or the occult, so I don't think we will really count that.

brawndolicious · « **Reply #26 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:18:13 PM »

Quote from: Willco on October 23, 2006, 04:14:31 PM

First off - it was The Hebrew Hammer, which was a holiday-oriented comedy about a Jewish pseudo-detective that saved Christmas. Which has nothing to do with horror films, other than it was so not funny that the movie was actually horrific. So in that respect, you might be right - we could be looking at the first Jewish horror film.
Yet, it has nothing to do with vampires, demons and/or the occult, so I don't think we will really count that.

I'm just saying. Only saw a few minutes on Comedy Central..

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #27 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:20:20 PM »

My roommate was bragging to me that he knows the guy who made the film, so I actually tied him up and punched him repeatedly in the balls just for associating himself with that guy.

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #28 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:21:11 PM »

Eight Crazy Nights?

brawndolicious · « **Reply #29 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:22:00 PM »

Quote from: Willco on October 23, 2006, 04:20:20 PM

My roommate was bragging to me that he knows the guy who made the film, so I actually tied him up and punched him repeatedly in the balls just for associating himself with that guy.

If I was bitter about every bad movie with a terrorist...

Ecrofirt · « **Reply #30 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:42:52 PM »

Crazy German Guy in Monster Squad. Wasn't he a Jew? That fucker put away Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein.

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #31 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:43:57 PM »

I NEED A YOUNG PRIEST AND AN OLD PRIEST WHAT

Ecrofirt · « **Reply #32 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:45:18 PM »

Priests schmiests. I'm all ferklempt in my schlegeggeh.

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #33 on:** October 23, 2006, 04:46:39 PM »

Quote from: Ecrofirt on October 23, 2006, 04:42:52 PM

Crazy German Guy in Monster Squad. Wasn't he a Jew? That fucker put away Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein.

Monster Squad was so awesome. How come it is not on DVD? What the hell?

APF · « **Reply #34 on:** October 23, 2006, 05:00:18 PM »

Quote from: Ecrofirt on October 23, 2006, 04:45:18 PM

Priests schmiests. I'm all ferklempt in my schlegeggeh.

Isn't a schlegeggeh a traditional Irish walking stick/club?

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #35 on:** October 23, 2006, 05:54:05 PM »

that's a shillelagh. The More You Know(tm).

The reason the Jews don't fight the undead is because the undead are traditionally poor and therefore lack the physical capital Hebrew folk so crave.

Also, in-fighting isn't common between sanguinary vampires and their financial counterparts!

...

oh my.

Catalyst · « **Reply #36 on:** October 23, 2006, 06:58:10 PM »

There needs to be a Drinky Crow character who dies at the beginning.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #37 on:** October 23, 2006, 07:04:21 PM »

Quote from: Drinky Crow on October 23, 2006, 05:54:05 PM

that's a shillelagh. The More You Know(tm).

The reason the Jews don't fight the undead is because the undead are traditionally poor and therefore lack the physical capital Hebrew folk so crave.

Also, in-fighting isn't common between sanguinary vampires and their financial counterparts!

...

oh my.

News:

Author Topic: How come nobody ever uses Jews to fight the undead in horror movies? (Read 4293 times)