Author Topic: Monsters and Madmen: A Miles Trahan Joint, presented by BK Beast Films (Read 13903 times)

Ichirou · « **on:** January 05, 2008, 12:38:12 AM »

Shake wrote an action film!

Its title is "MONSTERS AND MADMEN." Its protagonist is gritty hitman JACK TRENTON, "a clean-cut,square-jawed Caucasian male in a worn-in trench coat." His first target is a corrupt fatty named Jasper (how clever of Shake to give himself a cameo in his very own film!). He sneaks into a hotel and proceeds to blow Jasper away (the first of a number of graphically described BOOM! HEAD SHOTS, which make me fear that our young Miles is heading into Virginia Tech territory), only to find his own ex-girlfriend sleeping in Jasper's bed OMG WTF!!! No time for love, Mr. Trenton! Suddenly a sniper attacks Jack!!!!!

FLASH FORWARD THREE YEARS...

Now Jack Trenton is an alcoholic. Sort of like Jean-Claude Van Damme when we flash-forward in TimeCop. He is called back into action when something very, very bad happens to his girlfriend...the adventure begins!

I don't want to spoil the rest of this thrilling picture, folks. The cliched, brainless dialogue, the copious amounts of violence, the gritty pseudo-noir via Sin City feel...it all screams "ANGRY TEENAGER THINKS ACTION IS KEWL."

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/MONSTERSANDMADMEN.pdf

Seriously, folks...Miles Trahan has outdone himself this time. This is PURE ADRENALINE ACTION SATISFACTION. Open any page at random and we have:

Jack Trenton beating the shit out of some dude.

Jack Trenton blowing some dude's head away.

Jack Trenton being emo because his ex-girlfriend died.

Jack Trenton looking for THE MYSTERIOUS MOBSTER NAMED GOOOOLDDDDD

Jack Trenton blowing another dude's head away.

Jack Trenton fighting some other dudes.

Jack Trenton blowing Mysterious Evil Jew Goldstein away.

And fellas, you will not BELIEVE the third act plot twist...

...where it turns out that the guy who has been following Jack Trenton around from the beginning of the movie is like Jack Trenton's conscience or some shit, and JACK TRENTON SUICIDES WITH GUN TO THE HEAD!!!!

TRULY EPIC

Robo · « **Reply #1 on:** January 05, 2008, 01:23:39 AM »

this belongs in the "dumb things you wrote as a teenager" thread.

TVC15 · « **Reply #2 on:** January 05, 2008, 01:31:03 AM »

I read like 3 pages and it was just too much action for me. It was like there was warm maple syrup coursing through my veins, like I was either Miles Trahan himself, or some kind of human McGriddle.

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #3 on:** January 05, 2008, 01:31:24 AM »

He wrote a movie about the CEO of Sony?

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #4 on:** January 05, 2008, 01:58:02 AM »

oh god, this is unreadable

TVC15 · « **Reply #5 on:** January 05, 2008, 02:41:03 AM »

It really does feel like What I Would Film If I Were 16: The Movie

Ichirou · « **Reply #6 on:** January 05, 2008, 02:48:10 AM »

It's kind of creepy how EVERY TIME he writes about someone getting shot in the head, he mentions the "bits of skull and brain matter" splattered everywhere. And people get shot in the head A LOT in this script (I couldn't make myself read all of it. I read like the first five pages and then the last two and about four people get shot in the head in that span of time).

Himu · « **Reply #7 on:** January 05, 2008, 02:51:28 AM »

maybe he can get this made? I mean, that one kid was sucessful with Eragon, so there's definitely a market for crappy teenager stories.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #8 on:** January 05, 2008, 02:53:49 AM »

Until Willco reveals his own script I hereby crown Shake the Master SAGster

Ichirou · « **Reply #9 on:** January 05, 2008, 02:54:21 AM »

Have you tried reading it? This is a violent teenage power fantasy, pulled from half-remembered bits of Tarantino and Steven Seagal movies. Maybe Miles can show the script to his folks and they'll be so proud of their boy that they'll publish it like the Eragon kid's parents did. Or maybe they'll put him in counseling so they can figure out where his fetish for people getting shot in the head comes from.

BTW, the official BK Beast rating for There Will Be Blood: 9.5/10.

Himu · « **Reply #10 on:** January 05, 2008, 02:57:33 AM »

Is There Will Be Blood good or is it all just hype

Ichirou · « **Reply #11 on:** January 05, 2008, 02:58:41 AM »

Well, Miles Trahan, author of the action-packed script MONSTERS AND MADMEN, gives it a 9.5. And isn't that all you really need to know?

Robo · « **Reply #12 on:** January 05, 2008, 02:59:53 AM »

Fortunately for everyone, it isn't.

TVC15 · « **Reply #13 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:00:50 AM »

Quote from: Himuro on January 05, 2008, 02:57:33 AM

Is There Will Be Blood good or is it all just hype

You could check it out, soon. I hears that we should be seeing a DVD rip relatively soon.

Ichirou · « **Reply #14 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:02:59 AM »

Hahahaha, I just went to a random page on the Monsters and Madmen PDF and JEWISH MOBSTER GOLDSTEIN just beat the shit outta some mug because he was "out getting a piece of tail instead of paying attention to the heist" or something. Oh man, he's ripping off The Untouchables but substituting the bat with the butt of a pistol. And of course, shittons of blood in the scene, including "skull and brain matter" left on the table where the mug gets his beating.

Wow, Shake. Just...WOW.

And then the next scene is Jack Trenton visiting a strip joint to see an old flame. Of course.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #15 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:03:49 AM »

i read about a third of it before the running tally of cliches in my brain threw an integer out of range exception

still, he's what, seventeen? at least he gets the format and the basic grammar right. ten years from now, with some life experience, he might be able to write the next jet li/dmx collaboration.

Ichirou · « **Reply #16 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:07:21 AM »

It really is one of the most unoriginal things to ever be shat into existence. Every line of dialogue, every beat, every scene feels like it's been cribbed from straight-to-DVD action movies.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #17 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:09:18 AM »

like i said, if he's 17, he ain't gonna be writing anything even approximating mediocre. my dislike for the pompous salesmanship of his juvenile opinions aside, it ain't bad FOR THE AVERAGE 17 YEAR OLD TEENPRAT. do we really expect a dumb, sheltered teen to knock out the next goodfellas?

on the other hand, he probably shoulda just kept the script to himself.

Ichirou · « **Reply #18 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:10:07 AM »

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-action/m-1196204389/ Shake is already annoying the people on the board he posted the script in.

Himu · « **Reply #19 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:11:06 AM »

where did you find this

TVC15 · « **Reply #20 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:11:35 AM »

So what are the chances that upon going into film school, the vast majority of the students are Shake-like idiots that just want to make carbon copies of the garbage of recent years?

Himu · « **Reply #21 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:12:10 AM »

TVC: look at FoC. That's all the proof you need.

Ichirou · « **Reply #22 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:12:48 AM »

Quote from: Himuro on January 05, 2008, 03:11:06 AM

where did you find this

Someone gave me the link.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #23 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:13:15 AM »

Quote from: TVC 15 on January 05, 2008, 03:11:35 AM

So what are the chances that upon going into film school, the vast majority of the students are Shake-like idiots that just want to make carbon copies of the garbage of recent years?

100%

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #24 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:14:54 AM »

also, cgi-bin? Perl CGI? is that site BEGGING to get hacked? hey simplyscripts: 1997 called and it wanted its HTTP gateway script technology back.

demi · « **Reply #25 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:15:08 AM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on January 05, 2008, 03:09:18 AM

like i said, if he's 17, he ain't gonna be writing anything even approximating mediocre. my dislike for the pompous salesmanship of his juvenile opinions aside, it ain't bad FOR THE AVERAGE 17 YEAR OLD TEENPRAT. do we really expect a dumb, sheltered teen to knock out the next goodfellas?

on the other hand, he probably shoulda just kept the script to himself.

i expect him to make the next ERAGON

Ichirou · « **Reply #26 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:15:23 AM »

Who's more likely to make it in Hollywood - Shake, Willco, or FoC?

Himu · « **Reply #27 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:15:41 AM »

i haven't seen cgi-bin in yeaaars

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #28 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:17:36 AM »

willco. willco knows what level he's at and doesn't pretend to be above it. shake thinks he's special, and foc is just too fuckin' illiterate. willco is capable of writing snappy dialogue, even if it is in the context of a sexy exchange between optimus prime and aquaman.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #29 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:18:17 AM »

A bright, new-like Cadillac...

I've never witnessed such descriptive prose. Clearly Shake is a Rowling among boys

Ichirou · « **Reply #30 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:19:19 AM »

PD, wait till you get to the scenes where people get their heads blown off. You can tell those are the parts that made Shake horny.

EDIT: FoC reminds me of a young Michael Bay, tho. If you read Michael Bay's infrequent posts on his website, you can tell he's sort of borderline distinguished mentally-challenged too. Shake is Next-Gen Tarantino, except Tarantino ripped off semi-obscure shit and Shake seems to have ripped off the most generic action movies he could find.

TVC15 · « **Reply #31 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:21:46 AM »

Quote from: Ichirou on January 05, 2008, 03:15:23 AM

Who's more likely to make it in Hollywood - Shake, Willco, or FoC?

I predict my new wave of german expressionistic-inspired pornography will be bigger than ANYTHING they do.

Himu · « **Reply #32 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:22:01 AM »

So does anyone eat a burger in this movie?

Ichirou · « **Reply #33 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:22:49 AM »

I can't make myself read the whole thing to find out.

Himu · « **Reply #34 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:23:21 AM »

can you not ctrl +f -> "burger"?

Ichirou · « **Reply #35 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:25:03 AM »

Quote from: Himuro on January 05, 2008, 03:23:21 AM

can you not ctrl +f -> "burger"?

Yeah, but what if he types "whopper" instead?

Himu · « **Reply #36 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:26:21 AM »

mcgriddle

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #37 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:27:57 AM »

Gold? Who the hell is Gold?

Oh, I think we all know

Ichirou · « **Reply #38 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:29:34 AM »

Am I the only one who thought "hmm, mysterious evil Jew out to get noble hero Jack Trenton...it MUST BE WILLCO!!!!" Shake is taking his persecution complex into the cinema. He is a true auteur.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #39 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:32:51 AM »

Why am I not surprised at your simple nature, Ichi? The metaphor is one of the many tools in the writer's Bat Belt, but certainly not the most complex. Clearly the main antagonist is modeled after Ron Paul

Himu · « **Reply #40 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:33:37 AM »

Quote from: Phoenix Dark on January 05, 2008, 03:27:57 AM

Gold? Who the hell is Gold?

Oh, I think we all know

WHAT IS A MAN?!!!?

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #41 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:34:24 AM »

we all know from shakespeare 101 that the jews consider flesh a sort of currency, measured in pounds. shake knows he is a windfall for willco's people!

Ichirou · « **Reply #42 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:35:57 AM »

Quote from: Phoenix Dark on January 05, 2008, 03:32:51 AM

Why am I not surprised at your simple nature, Ichi? The metaphor is one of the many tools in the writer's Bat Belt, but certainly not the most complex. Clearly the main antagonist is modeled after Ron Paul

I don't think Shake even knows who Ron Paul is.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #43 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:37:01 AM »

he certainly knows who ron mcdonald and ron howard are!

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #44 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:38:21 AM »

It reads like a 24 episode so far

DAMN IT

brawndolicious · « **Reply #45 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:38:33 AM »

Jesus shake, you need to calm down and respect movies for what they can teach you. just put down the shotgun.

Ichirou · « **Reply #46 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:39:32 AM »

Quote from: Phoenix Dark on January 05, 2008, 03:38:21 AM

It reads like a 24 episode so far

DAMN IT

I can't believe you're actually slogging through it, PD.

Vizzys · « **Reply #47 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:39:33 AM »

Quote from: TVC 15 on January 05, 2008, 01:31:03 AM

I read like 3 pages and it was just too much action for me. It was like there was warm maple syrup coursing through my veins, like I was either Miles Trahan himself, or some kind of human McGriddle.

this post made me lol more than normal posts do

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #48 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:44:40 AM »

Quote from: Ichirou on January 05, 2008, 03:29:34 AM

Am I the only one who thought "hmm, mysterious evil Jew out to get noble hero Jack Trenton...it MUST BE WILLCO!!!!" Shake is taking his persecution complex into the cinema. He is a true auteur.

No, you're not doing it right!

ICHIROU
I read the script. It's foul odor still hung heavy on my mind like the morning fog over the city. Was it just me? Was I the only one who made the connection?

He scratches his stubbly beard, and looks out over the balcony across the gothic cityscape spread before him. A police siren sounds in the distance.

ICHIROU (CONT'D)
A mysterious Jew is out to get noble hero Jack Trenton. It can't be possible. But yet...
BEAT
...it must be. All the pieces fall into place. It must be Wilco. Shake is taking his persecution complex into the cinema. Fucking prick, he's in over his head and he knows it. Way over his head. It wouldn't surprise me to find him with his brain splattered all over the wall of his dingy, roach-trap of an apartment by tomorrow morning. I respect him though.

Takes a long drag of his cigarette before letting the smoke slowly slip out his lips. He lets out a long sigh.

ICHIROU (CONT'D)
He is a true fucking auteur. Just like Gloria was.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #49 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:45:23 AM »

"We were friends - sometimes more than that, sometimes less. But we were always close"

"I take it you two were involved, then?"

I'm not a big expert although I do have my qualifications; I always say the best strategy is always to think of your audience. What better way to ensure their satisfaction than ensure every detail is described as much as possible? They payed to watch a movie, not think

Ichirou · « **Reply #50 on:** January 05, 2008, 03:45:48 AM »

omg Joe that was beautiful

TVC15 · « **Reply #51 on:** January 05, 2008, 04:15:27 AM »

Quote from: Phoenix Dark on January 05, 2008, 03:45:23 AM

"We were friends - sometimes more than that, sometimes less. But we were always close"

"I take it you two were involved, then?"

I'm not a big expert although I do have my qualifications; I always say the best strategy is always to think of your audience. What better way to ensure their satisfaction than ensure every detail is described as much as possible? They payed to watch a movie, not think

This simultaneously explains why you think 2001 and Blade Runner are average and why you'll always have trouble appreciating art.

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #52 on:** January 05, 2008, 04:18:28 AM »

"payed" -- Phoenix Dark

CajoleJuice · « **Reply #53 on:** January 05, 2008, 04:21:35 AM »

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #54 on:** January 05, 2008, 04:25:10 AM »

Quote from: TVC 15 on January 05, 2008, 04:15:27 AM

Quote from: Phoenix Dark on January 05, 2008, 03:45:23 AM
"We were friends - sometimes more than that, sometimes less. But we were always close"

"I take it you two were involved, then?"

I'm not a big expert although I do have my qualifications; I always say the best strategy is always to think of your audience. What better way to ensure their satisfaction than ensure every detail is described as much as possible? They payed to watch a movie, not think

This simultaneously explains why you think 2001 and Blade Runner are average and why you'll always have trouble appreciating art.

Aw come on, why are you failing to see the FUNNY.

Fresh Prince · « **Reply #55 on:** January 05, 2008, 04:39:24 AM »

Quote from: Phoenix Dark on January 05, 2008, 03:18:17 AM

A bright, new-like Cadillac...

I've never witnessed such descriptive prose. Clearly Shake is a Rowling among boys

The irony in this failed. Rowling is at the best of times an above average author.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #56 on:** January 05, 2008, 04:42:44 AM »

Ichirou · « **Reply #57 on:** January 05, 2008, 05:48:22 AM »

How would you guys cast "Monsters and Madmen"?

TVC15 · « **Reply #58 on:** January 05, 2008, 06:02:32 AM »

So did Shake name this masterpiece before or after the Criterion boxset titled Monsters and Madmen came out (in January 2007)?

Ichirou · « **Reply #59 on:** January 05, 2008, 06:08:55 AM »

Considering the draft is dated December, 2007, I'm guessing after. The fact that the movie opens with a pretentious Freud quote is

...did he really get the title from the Criterion box set? That's just sad, if so.

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Author Topic: Monsters and Madmen: A Miles Trahan Joint, presented by BK Beast Films (Read 13903 times)