Some of these are funny, some aren't.
"The president had a press conference this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, 'Like having no plan ever stopped me before.'. He has something even more deadly in store for them -- we're going to bring them democracy." --Bill Maher
"If 9/11 changed everything, how come baseball players are still allowed to fly airplanes around Manhattan? I'm sure you've heard about this story. A Yankees pitcher flew an airplane into a fifty-story building on the East side. At first no one knew whether it was an accident or a terrorist attack, so Bush had no idea how long to sit there and do nothing." --Bill Maher
"According to Kim Jong-Il's biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess. So if he lived here, he could be in Congress." --Jay Leno
"As of this coming Thursday, Saddam Hussein will have been on trial for one year. One year? If this trial was in L.A., he'd be out playing golf right now." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today at a press conference, President Bush said he will not attack North Korea. Well, of course not. They actually have weapons of mass destruction." --David Letterman
"President Bush at a press conference is like the dumb kid in school gets called up to the blackboard. You feel bad for him, but there's nothing you can do to help." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush's approval ratings are dipping into the 30s, while Mark Foley is dipping into the teens." --Jay Leno
"A lot more information coming out about this North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Il. Apparently, he has a tremendous ego, had three wives and he's fanatical about his pompadour hair style. He's kind of like a miniature Donald Trump." --Jay Leno
"Now there are dozens of calls for House Speaker Dennis Hastert to step down. As you know, Hastert was a former gym teacher and boys' wrestling coach. To which Mark Foley said, 'Why would anybody quit a dream job like that?'." --Jay Leno
"President Bush says we need more time to determine if what (North Korea) detonated was a nuclear device. Well sure, that makes sense, because Bush doesn't want to rush to judgment when it comes to weapons of mass destruction." --David Letterman
"Democrats attacked President Bush for his North Korean policy. And Bush said, 'Gotcha. I don't have a North Korean policy.'." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Foley, let's see what's happening on Brokeback, I mean Capitol Hill. God, it shows you how times have changed. It used to be a good thing when two congressmen were on the same page. Now, it's horrible." --Jay Leno
"President Bush helped dedicate an aircraft carrier named after his father. Isn't that nice? He christened the ship by saying, 'It's great to be here on the USS Dad.'." --Conan O'Brien
"A very scary situation in North Korea, but let's move on to the good news. As of last night, North Korea has one less bomb." --Jon Stewart
"MySpace.com said it is launching a voter registration page targeting young adults. Sadly, the only person that the MySpace page has attracted so far is former Congressman Mark Foley." --Conan O'Brien
"There are more and more details coming out about this Foley page scandal. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has been meeting with everyone in Washington to figure a way out of this. Well, not meeting with everyone. I think it's fair to say he's never met with Jenny Craig." --Jay Leno
"It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046." --Amy Poehler
"I think this whole thing could have been nipped in the bud if somebody pulled Mark Foley aside at some point and showed him nude photos of Dennis Hastert." --Bill Maher
"Democrats accused Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist of waving a white flag for saying the Afghan war against Taliban guerrillas cannot be won militarily. Things must be bad in Afghanistan if Bill Frist is ready to give up. Remember, this is the guy that thought we could still fix Terri Schiavo." --Seth Meyers
"Yesterday, Hastert defended himself by saying he had no idea what was going on. Hey, don't laugh. It worked for President Bush." --Jay Leno
"This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt." --Jay Leno
"Congress is now already taking measures to reduce incidents between congressmen and pages. For instance, congressmen are no longer allowed to hand-pick their pages from MySpace.com." --Jay Leno
"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in Iraq today. See, that's when you know things are bad in Washington -- when it's safer for Republicans to go to Baghdad." --Jay Leno
