This evening I spent approximately two hours watching and enjoying the revival of American Gladiators. I feel a psychological need to defend this action, since it will only be a matter of time before the refined and artsy me re-enters my head and berates me. Where should I begin in describing the shame and guilt I feel due to my enjoyment of American Gladiators?
Basically, watching American Gladiators makes me feel as dumb as people that follow sports, except maybe even dumber. On that morning when Osama crashed his planes into that Church of Capitalism, it was as much a strike against our carcinogenic culture as it was against our Jesus and Israel; yes, American Gladiators is directly responsible for 9/11 if you look closely enough at the chain-links of causation. Watching the revival of American Gladiators, in short, is applauding the old America that Saddam failed to destroy. And it makes me feel dirty.
I have sat through Caligula, several times. I have watched most of Salo twice. I’ve made it a priority to take in as many transgressions as possible. I’ve forgotten more about puking than any of you will ever know. But my enjoyment of American Gladiators is the closest to feeling corrupt that I have ever felt. Indeed, American Gladiators is dangerous.
How is it dangerous? How could something so good and so entertaining be so inherently unhealthy? It’s just like heroin, trading a few years of life for a little euphoria. American Gladiators, well, I just put money in Hulk Hogan’s pocket, and even more disgusting, I enjoyed a piece of thoughtless entertainment, no doubt designed originally with the Midwest in mind.
Also I think the show might turn people gay. In just one episode, I heard “he’s the meat in a gladiator sandwich” and “justice was served facially.” Mind you, I am no stranger to the homosexuality, but I am pretty sure that at least one of the male Gladiators was wearing a sports bra, and I’m pretty sure that one black dude Gladiator was at one point a chick. Then again, I am sure that most of the steroid-puffed chicks have engorged clitorises that put most swansons to shame. They probably can’t get a doctor or referee skilled enough to make some of the gender calls here, unless they’re importing the docs from East Germany.
In short, I plan on voting for whichever presidential candidate promises to shitcan this braindead thrill. Or the Taliban (if Hillary is the nominee, it’s the only votable alternative).
