the drinky crow real-world dating quiz:
1. when a female approaches you in a casual social context, do you:
-1: visibly flinch and then blank her, pretending to be completely interested in a nearby article of furniture
0: look at your feet and mumble something you think might be funny but is in fact a total non-sequitur which could possibly be used against you in court if she dies under mysterious circumstances
+1: look her in the eye, nod in acknowledgment and smile, quietly acknowledging that we are all creatures of stupid ritual
+2: spew a line you remembered from a bad hugh grant romcom, making her insecure self titter
2. you are meeting a woman for the first time and are forced to make conversation. you:
-1: stare and say nothing. in your head, sirens are blaring, and it is possible your cheap slacks have a growing stain near the crotch
0: make deflective observational remarks about your environment
+1: recall a few icebreaker lines and say them, much to your own silent self-loathing
+2: say "BOOYAH!" loudly and do the curly shuffle, reminding the world that you're a fuckin' spectacle of an extrovert
3. you have, by dint of courage, luck, or kidnapping, managed to get a woman at your house in the evening-time. you:
-1: gibber on delightedly about your collection of nintendo tchotchkes and invite her to play the wii because "girls like it"
0: begin plying her and yourself with alcohol in the hopes of getting your fuck on free from the nattering voice of self-doubt
+1: realize that you both want to fuck. there is a rough segue into making out and then animal fucking. you aren't really sure how it came about, but all's well that ends well, motherfuckers!
+2: transition from a series of charming, painfully tailored anecdotes to the bedroom. "i make a good breakfast" is probably somewhere in there, which elicits insincere lolz from both of you. later, you post about this in your blog, which makes your friends hate you even more.
4: you discover that the woman you've been seeing is a fuckall rabid evangelical christian. she also has great tits. you:
-1: don't mind at all. hey, she not only talks to you, but she has allowed that kirby is potentially not satan's hellhound. besides, you like that she provides order to your life, usually in the form of shrieking missives to not bug her for sex. SHE HAS BOOBIES!
0: decide it can't go on like this, so you write her a Dear Jane letter over IM, and then proceed to fall off the grid for three months.
+1: deliver the news of your break-up over your regular lunch at qdoba. you feel like a fuckface for the next two weeks, until you stupidly schmooze up another wacko at an office party. rinse. repeat.
+2: fuck the jesus right out of her. all women are whores, be it for christ or you. better you than the Lord, amirite? u am!
5. a girl flirts with you on a messageboard. you:
-1: flood her with PMs about the Wii
+0: flood her with PMs about random nothing, hoping she'll respond with a romantic invitation
+1: never respond to her, hoping she'll find you "mysterious" and therefore interesting
+2: flood her with PMs containing pictures of your penis, some of which show said penis stuck in other female messageboard posters. also WHIP WHIP
Results!
-5 to -2: nintendo fanboy
-1 to 3: sony fanboy
4 to 7: microsoft fanboy
8 to 10: dating advice blogger
