Author Topic: Help me bullshit my way to like, being a humanitarium and shit (Read 2248 times)

TVC15 · « **on:** January 28, 2008, 07:55:50 PM »

Basically, the Seattle Aquarium is seeking volunteer workers, and I was considering donating some weekend time. Being me, this whim basically comes from a purely self-serving motive: Having ready access to the Seattle Aquarium would mean getting lots of opportunity to take pictures in absurd lighting conditions, which is kind of a fetish. But, my weak point here is that I generally hate people and I think volunteer work is for suckers and I know jack shit about fishies. So I am going to have to make use of my one real talent: lying.

So, what would be the best path of dishonesty to get what I want here? If asked, what is my motive for wanting to volunteer for the aquarium? Tell me about fishes and shit so I can fake answer basic questions, because I care so little about this subject that I won't even bother going to wikipedia to learn the basics. What would you do, Evilbore? What would you do?

recursivelyenumerable · « **Reply #1 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:00:20 PM »

http://www.hero.ac.uk/uk/research/archives/2003/machiavellian_fish5361.cfm

Quote

‘Fish and Fisheries’ journal recently featured a report on ‘Learning and Memory in Fish: Why fish are smarter than you think’. The report, which contains contributions from biologists around the world, claims that fish are capable of pursuing Machiavellian strategies of ‘manipulation, punishment and reconciliation’; exhibiting stable ‘cultural’ traditions; and co-operating with each other to inspect predators and catch food.

Machiavellian strategies! How can you not be interested?

TVC15 · « **Reply #2 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:02:07 PM »

Quote from: recursivelyenumerable on January 28, 2008, 08:00:20 PM

http://www.hero.ac.uk/uk/research/archives/2003/machiavellian_fish5361.cfm
Quote
‘Fish and Fisheries’ journal recently featured a report on ‘Learning and Memory in Fish: Why fish are smarter than you think’. The report, which contains contributions from biologists around the world, claims that fish are capable of pursuing Machiavellian strategies of ‘manipulation, punishment and reconciliation’; exhibiting stable ‘cultural’ traditions; and co-operating with each other to inspect predators and catch food.

Machiavellian strategies! How can you not be interested?

Commenting on the tidbit there, a display of post-elementary knowledge like that could be good enough to snowblind someone speaking to me. If delivered appropriately, they will think that if I know something that arcane, I must know the basics.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #3 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:10:08 PM »

well, you'd be my daughter's hero, for starters. she would move into the aquarium if she had the choice!

ask away. my wife knows like everything about fishes and shit, and i'll pass the questions onto her. may daughter knows more about fish than me -- she can name like 30 different kinds of sharks, where i know all of 3: the great white shark, the uh...fuck. i'm sure i know two more if i put my mind to it.

TVC15 · « **Reply #4 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:11:43 PM »

I plan on doing more investigating. I have to go into Seattle pretty early on Saturday this upcoming weekend, so maybe I will have time to actually go in the aquarium. I have never been inside. I am just assuming it has lighting comparable to every other aquarium I have ever been in. Which is like one or two.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #5 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:13:30 PM »

actually, it's pretty fuckin' cool inside, and there's some crazy lighting. the underwater dome, when it isn't packed with reeking psychopathic brats, is FUCK AWESOME. it would be a great place to smoke a bowl and read a little, but it is usually choked to capacity with kids dry-humping the glass and stealing their parents' wallets.

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #6 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:15:02 PM »

I dunno, 6 years of combined retail taught me you can be nice to anyone if you want to be where you are. I wanted a job, so I learned to be nice. If you want to be there you will adapt. Otherwise you might not actually wanna be there.

Tauntaun · « **Reply #7 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:15:44 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on January 28, 2008, 08:10:08 PM

well, you'd be my daughter's hero, for starters. she would move into the aquarium if she had the choice!

ask away. my wife knows like everything about fishes and shit, and i'll pass the questions onto her. may daughter knows more about fish than me -- she can name like 30 different kinds of sharks, where i know all of 3: the great white shark, the uh...fuck. i'm sure i know two more if i put my mind to it.

hammerhead, maco, sand

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #8 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:19:23 PM »

well, aren't you just mister quiz bowl champion!

Tauntaun · « **Reply #9 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:20:46 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on January 28, 2008, 08:19:23 PM

well, aren't you just mister quiz bowl champion!

Always here to help a nicca out, wanna see my victory dance?

spoiler (click to show/hide)

[close]

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #10 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:21:51 PM »

KAAWWWAAAAAAAIIIIIIII DESU NE!!!!!!111111

Tauntaun · « **Reply #11 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:22:26 PM »

So so soooooo!

TVC15 · « **Reply #12 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:22:53 PM »

Quote from: Phil Ken Sebben on January 28, 2008, 08:15:02 PM

I dunno, 6 years of combined retail taught me you can be nice to anyone if you want to be where you are. I wanted a job, so I learned to be nice. If you want to be there you will adapt. Otherwise you might not actually wanna be there.

I'm curious as to what they need volunteers for. I mean, I'd think that the people getting paid are the ones dealing with customers. Naturally, if the volunteer work they ask me to do is like the equivalent of what we make illegal immigrants do, I will be out of their fast. I want to do something cool that would breed anecdotes, like masturbating sea lions to get raw material for local bio-chemical companies.

Madrun Badrun · « **Reply #13 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:23:23 PM »

I don't see why you'd even have to lie here, other than to fill your anti-social quota for the week.

If they need volunteers it's not like they will be expecting marine-biologists. Just tell them you have a fetish for taking pictures of fish and are will to clean up penguin shit to fulfill that desire.

Note: Don't use the word fetish.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #14 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:23:40 PM »

it's probably sorting flyers or typing up shit or fluffing the dolphins.

TVC15 · « **Reply #15 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:24:00 PM »

Wait, do sea lions even have cocks?

OMG google image search has the answer and it is GROSS. UGH FISH ARE FUCKING GROSS!!!!!

Tauntaun · « **Reply #16 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:24:56 PM »

Quote from: TVC 15 on January 28, 2008, 08:24:00 PM

Wait, do sea lions even have cocks?

There's only one way to find out. You know what to do.

Edit: Your google-jutsu is even better than I thought.

TVC15 · « **Reply #17 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:26:25 PM »

Dude, PD, anyone. If you want to finally prove to yourself that there is no benevolent god in this universe, go to google image search and search for sea lion penis. It's like a fleshy monolith from hell. It looks even more entrail-like than the human female vagine. In short, if you think ANY loving god created that creature, you are fucking we-todd-ed.

Tauntaun · « **Reply #18 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:27:49 PM »

Quote from: TVC 15 on January 28, 2008, 08:26:25 PM

Dude, PD, anyone. If you want to finally prove to yourself that there is no benevolent god in this universe, go to google image search and search for sea lion penis. It's like a fleshy monolith from hell. It looks even more entrail-like than the human female vagine. In short, if you think ANY loving god created that creature, you are fucking we-todd-ed.

Maybe female sea lions love it, you know?

Bloodwake · « **Reply #19 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:28:04 PM »

Quote from: TVC 15 on January 28, 2008, 08:24:00 PM

Wait, do sea lions even have cocks?

OMG google image search has the answer and it is GROSS. UGH FISH ARE FUCKING GROSS!!!!!

OH MY GOD THE WORST LOOKING PENIS EVER

I BLAME THIS ON YOU.

TVC15 · « **Reply #20 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:28:48 PM »

It's like something out of fucking Hellraiser.

recursivelyenumerable · « **Reply #21 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:30:01 PM »

I've seen squid mating videos on some site or another. They're pretty cool. Squid

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #22 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:30:35 PM »

yikes just yikes, it looks like it should have a tooth-filled cloaca on the tip as though it were some sort of alien rape maggot

TVC15 · « **Reply #23 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:31:48 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on January 28, 2008, 08:30:35 PM

yikes just yikes, i expected it to have sort of tooth-filled cloaca on the tip as though it were some sort of alien rape maggot

I don't want to be a little farmer boy anymore

Tauntaun · « **Reply #24 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:32:39 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on January 28, 2008, 08:30:35 PM

yikes just yikes, i expected it to have sort of tooth-filled cloaca on the tip as though it were some sort of alien rape maggot

Like that one apostle in berserk, until...

spoiler (click to show/hide)

Guts chopped his dick off

[close]

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #25 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:34:30 PM »

oh man, i need to watch berserk again, what a wonderfully grim MANime

gattsu

Tauntaun · « **Reply #26 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:36:01 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on January 28, 2008, 08:34:30 PM

oh man, i need to watch berserk again, what a wonderfully grim MANime

gattsu

Dude read the manga IT'S SO MUCH BETTER! Goes past the pathetic ending of the anime and explains everything better.

The only thing that sucks is now that I'm caught up I have to wait FOREVER for a new chapter to come out.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #27 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:52:26 PM »

will do! i generally like manga better than anime anyhow, and since hellsing and battle angel last order take so fucking long for new volumes, this will be a good fix for my GORY MANGA urge. shame blade of the immortal got so fucking rambling!

Eric P · « **Reply #28 on:** January 28, 2008, 08:56:57 PM »

xnikki118x · « **Reply #29 on:** January 29, 2008, 03:52:13 AM »

Quote from: Tauntaun on January 28, 2008, 08:15:44 PM

Quote from: Professor Prole on January 28, 2008, 08:10:08 PM
well, you'd be my daughter's hero, for starters. she would move into the aquarium if she had the choice!

ask away. my wife knows like everything about fishes and shit, and i'll pass the questions onto her. may daughter knows more about fish than me -- she can name like 30 different kinds of sharks, where i know all of 3: the great white shark, the uh...fuck. i'm sure i know two more if i put my mind to it.

hammerhead, maco, sand

Tiger, Great White, Lemon, Nurse, Bull, Pygmy, Whale, Dogfish, Carpet, Zebra...and that's all the others I can think of.

Of course, I probably wouldn't be able to identify some of those, but I've dissected a dogfish shark.

I would totally volunteer at an aquarium. I'd just stare at the reef fishes all day every day. "Oooh there's jawfish dancing up and down in their burrows! OMG PORKFISH SCHOOLING! Wow, that French angelfish is really beautiful. OMG MORE PORKFISH." It would be so cool.

Ichirou · « **Reply #30 on:** January 29, 2008, 04:01:05 AM »

Porkfish sounds delicious.

brawndolicious · « **Reply #31 on:** January 29, 2008, 04:14:11 AM »

I'd just go with Arvie's advice and say that you like to take pictures of nature and so you thought volunteering at the aquarium is a good idea.

and a sea lion's penis is nowhere nearly as scary as the SOUNDS they make during sex. It's like some sort of bark-moan thing. and when the alpha male who is like 2 times bigger then the other males gets busy, you'll get like a heart attack. they only sex each other at night though so you probably won't see that.

xnikki118x · « **Reply #32 on:** January 29, 2008, 05:34:39 AM »

Quote from: Ichi on January 29, 2008, 04:01:05 AM

Porkfish sounds delicious.

You shouldn't eat them because their skin is linked to some sort of poison thing or something. Also, they only get to be about a foot long and stuff.

They're also beautiful and awesome, and are my favorite type of fish.

http://chemistry.csudh.edu/faculty/jim/Cozapr07/porkfish.jpg

http://www.abovebelowphotos.com/albums/album05/School_of_Panamic_Porkfish.jpg

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Author Topic: Help me bullshit my way to like, being a humanitarium and shit (Read 2248 times)