The cafeteria at work opened up about thirty minutes ago and I made a stop in for some CEREAL because I FUCKIN LIKE CEREAL. Anyway it was either Special K (which isnt bad) or Apple Jacks.
Now, I dont eat Apple Jacks often. They arent known for their truth in advertising and as I get older and my body begins to fall apart like a cheap import past 100,000 miles, I get REALLY picky about what I eat. Most importantly, I need to know exactly what the shit is. Apple Jacks is a cereal built upon an EMPIRE OF LIES.
Point 1: As covered in the commercials, it does NOT in fact taste like apples. Do yourself a favor, take a bite, and as you chew, breathe out through your nose with your mouth closed, this will circulate the 'true taste' of the cereal. If you are doing this now you will already know where I am going with this.
Point 2: It doesnt even really look like apples. You have green which represents..I dunno tree, the life earth god Mana, whatever. Then you have ORANGE/BROWN which is only a color you see on an apple if youre I dunno, homeless. So then any sane person is already thinking wait, this isnt apple, green and ORANGE do not make apple, so to TRICK YOU they sprinkle the loops with flecks of RED and green and RED mean christmas but more importantly to APPLE JACKS they represent Apples.
Point 3: Kids like it. They 'Just Do'. Its a known FACT that what kids like the most about thanksgiving is the DESSERT and what is for DESSERT on THANKSGIVING? PUMPKIN FUCKING PIE. BACK TO POINT 1, if you participated in the exercise I described to you, you will notice that Apple Jacks in FACT TASTE LIKE PUMPKIN PIE.
Point 4: Once again we look at the color, GREEN leaves of the Pumpkin plant, ORANGE! The color of the Pumpkin itself. RED FLECKS! Meant to represent HALLOWEEN AND possibly its sequels, even the one without Michael Meyers. SO..
Point 5: Apple JACKS - Jack o Lantern, Jack representing PUMPKIN. The apple is there to just show how dumb and knee jerk american kids are to believe that the first word represents the product. You could call something APPLE PESTICIDES and kids would be lining up to eat it cause MAN DO THEY LOVE APPLES!
Point 6: And my final point, you bring all of this together and think, well gee that is pretty obvious, especially if you eat a bowl of this near thanksgiving or halloween. So why not just CALL IT PUMPKIN JACKS? Well ill ask you this, who the FUCK wants to eat pumpkin pie every goddamned morning?
