First off, never fly with a two year old. Ever. And don't fly American -- I asked the stewardess for milk for my daughter and she said in this super snotty voice "we don't have milk for coach." WTF! Only first class folks get fucking MILK? Jesus, is the pilot fucking Doc and I'm back in the 1500s? Fuck you, American Airlines.
Anyway, we had two movies:
The Break-Up and
The Lake House, and I watched both without sound.
The Break-UpI watched this coming in to Dallas. I was playing Guilty Gear Slash PSP while watching it because it seemed very stupid, like something The Dark Shake would watch sandwiched between episodes of
Reba. The plot seems to be that Vince Vaughn is a dumb Polack, and he is dating that hag Jennifer Aniston. She has an annoying gay friend that the Polack punches because he is a LOL INSENSITIVE DUMB MOVIE MALE LOL and she decides to sell her half of their overpriced and overdecorated condo. They seem to argue a lot and then they break-up. The movie ends with them meeting on the street and the Polack winks at the WASP hag. This seems very New York and as a result very dumb, like Friends was. I give it two throw-up bags out of five.
The Lake HouseJESUS SMACK SANDWICH CHRIST WTF. This is a Magical Negro movie without the magical negro which made me mad because as a white person I love the safe, cracker-friendly comedic stylings of Wil Smith and Whoopie Goldberg. The magical negro is replaced with the combination of a lake house and a dog, which bring Sandra Bullock and Ted "Theodore" Logan together across space and time so they can smooch in front of a Vaseline-smeared lens. It fuckin' sucked. My daughter was kicking the seat in front of me the whole time, pissing off the acne-scarred Asian chick in front of her. The Asian chick was mad about the lack of magical negros as well I think, as well as her lack of driving ability, and she gave me lots of evil looks. Frankly, I preferred to stare at her unpleasantly spotty complexion, replete with its hostile stare, than watch Sandra and Keanu pine around like a bunch of fuckwits. They finally get together and I threw up a little. This is not a movie for men. It is a movie for ZomBz and the rest of #reba. (That's two Reba disses for the price of one, fegs.)
Anyway, planes suck. American now charges you FOUR FUCKIN' BUCKS for a snack in coach, and they hired some mean motherfuckers to fling small cups of diet soda at me. Fuck travel, fuck planes, and fuck you.
