Might I suggest.....influenza A? It's working for me! I've already called into work for tomorrow. Sure, you'll run a temp so high that you'll be able to bake a ham on your forehead, your eyes will puff up to the point where you can barely see while at the same time they'll leak a thick yellowish pus, develop an ear infection, and you'll cough so hard that you pass out but NO WORK MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ugh....I think I need to lay back down....