So at lunch I meandered over to the local Gamestop store with MAF and TVC-15.
(yes, Corny, this is one of those self-righteous geek rants that enrage you so much.)
The trio of clerks -- I use that term loosely, since they're more interested in expounding on their LEET INSIDUR KNOWLEDGE than actual customer service -- were in full effect. See, there's three dudes that sit behind the counter regularly. Let's meet them, shall we?
1. RIMS -- he is the second in command; the bo'sun to the store's assistant manager asspirate. He loves the Wii. He told MAF a couple weeks ago to NEVER TOUCH HIS WII without a hint of irony amid his apoplexy. MAF reassured the florid little lawn gnome that he did not wish to touch his Wii much to everyone's amusement but the dude still took up a defensive perimeter around the new kiosk. Anyways, Rims loves to inform everyone about his deep knowledge of Nintendo and that he is attending DigiPen. Today he informed that FF3 has as many classes as FFV, but that I can't pick up FFV because I didn't preorder. He is very very serious about Nintendo and their fortunes. I do not buy PSP games from him because he'll always ask in this disingenuous voice still fraught with the earnest tones of a man of faith: "how do you handle the long load times?"
Typical conversation:
<Rims> Did you preorder <insert DS game here>
<Me> I don't really like mini-game collections
<Rims> <long rant about "pick up and play" games and innovation, every word heavy with fanboy gravity>
<Me> ...
<Rims> <winking asides to coworkers about how they've played the Wii and how 'awesome' it is>
<Me> ...can I have my debit card back?
2. "that Shouta-lookin' guy" -- we don't have a name for this guy; in fact, we're not sure he's an employee. He always stands behind the counter but never helps anyone. He's a really large Samoan-looking guy, and reminds us of GAF mod Shouta. He tends to inform us of things we already know, like current game releases; or of things we don't know, like current CRAP game releases. He really wants to chat with me even though I have my DON'T TALK TO ME face going on, but years of training have led me to make eye contact with everybody I encounter so I invariably set him off. Fortunately, he usually keeps it short.
Typical Conversation:
<Shouta-esque> MAGICAL STARSIGN IS OUT TODAY!
<Me> yeah, no.
<Shouta-esque> OH!
<Both> ...
-or-
<Shouta-esque> FINAL FANTASY FIVE IS OUT TODAY!
<Me> cool.
<Shouta-esque> I BOUGHT THE LAST COPY!
<Both> ...
He's sort of a weird background dude, who punctuates the greasy nerd atmosphere with random observations or assertions. He's probably okay by himself, but when Rims and the assistant manager get on a fanboy roll, he always chimes in with his one-line Hesh-style remarks. He's kinda the slap bass in the polka band of raw fandom comprised by the rest of the store staff.
PATCHOULI -- he's the assistant manager, or maybe he's the manager. He's the worst. When the obnoxious chubby Nintendo rep chick is in, they stage these ridiculous little tableaux where he will ask very obvious and painful questions about the Wii's appeal to girls and grandmothers and she will answer with cutesy, inclusive answers. Apparently, these implicit externalized conversations are designed to get people to join in and ask questions about the Wii. He is tall, skinny, pimply, and has really long lank hair. It's like an episode of GameLife repurposed as a QVC skit. I feel like I'm being sold bogus real-estate second-hand. He always asks me to preorder DS stuff, even when I didn't own a DS. When I say I'm not interested in the item he wants me to preorder, he usually gives me some semi-lengthy schtick about why it's so innovative and how someone he knows -- usually a non-gamer -- loves it. I try to deflect the remark with some self-deprecating comment about what a super graphics dork I am, but he'll have none of it. He's EVANGELICAL. He loves his interventions and his stories of those wayward souls who likewise found their GOD OF TOUCH AND WAGGLE. He smells really awful.
Typical conversation:
<Patchouli> <to no-one in particular> Man, I just can't wait to get that Nintendo kiosk set up -- hope <name of Nintendo rep> comes by tonight with the *pause* WII-MOTE.
<Rims> Yeah, I'll work late just to play it!
<Shouta-esque> MAGICAL STARSIGN IS MY FAVORITE GAME SO FAR.
<Patchouli> <again, no-one in particular> It'll be really hard to get kids to stop playing it, I bet, it's so amazingly interactive!
<Rims, unaware that he is fat> haha, yeah, maybe they'll lose some weight!
<Patchouli> haha, yeah
<browsing customer> when you guys gettin gears of war in
<Patchouli> Soon, but you should use that money to preorder a Wii. Gears is just more of the same!
<browsing customer> ...
<Patchouli> haha, just kiddin' guy, I'll look that up for you!
<Patchouli> ...but really, Gears *is* just more of the same. The Wii is something really new!
"Some guy who TVC says rocks because he's an effective retail employee and actually remembers that TVC blows entire paychecks there" -- I don't remember this guy. I like that about this mythical employee; he obviously does his job, and therefore, I don't recall him. He probably gave me some nice discounts once, and probably kept his remarks friendly and noncommittal. If we made small talk, it was probably about what I was buying, not what I should buy. He peobably has a decent haircut.
This is why I buy from GameCrazy. They're all Nintendo fans there, too -- fuck, we're close to Redmond, so what do you expect -- but the manager, COOKING MAMA, is a professional first and a fanboy second. She forced one fanboy out of her store just because he was pulling shit like above doofus trio does, and she doesn't seem disappointed when I pay for an overpriced PSP game cuz HEY MONEY. Really, they should just hire HOT CHICKS WHO HATE GAMES to staff these stores and shame the distinguished mentally-challenged fellows into a little decorum. Just sayin'!
