Author Topic: R. Kelly's defense: ingenius. (Read 2351 times)

TVC15 · « **on:** May 22, 2008, 01:24:10 PM »

http://www.avclub.com/content/hater/r_kellys_defense_hinges_on_the

Quote

Yesterday was the second day of testimony at the trial of R. Kelly for 14 counts of child pornography in Chicago, and the strategy of his defense team seems to be taking shape. Basically, their defense falls into three categories:

1. The girl on the tape was a "paid prostitute." (Why it's ok to hire an underage prostitute is, apparently, not part of their defense.)

2. That's not R. Kelly on the tape, because R. Kelly has a mole on his back. (So does Sylvester. What does it mean?) and

3. That's not R. Kelly on the tape, it's special effects. Have you seen what they can do with the special effects these days? It's crazy! Just look at the Wayans Brothers movie, Little Man.

No, really. That's essentially what his lawyer said in court yesterday when cross-examining a witness who testified that she knew the underage girl on the tape, and that the man on the tape was definitely R. Kelly.

From MTV News:

Quote
[The witness] Jamison also got a few laughs out of the court, such as when [Kelly's lawyer] Adam asked her about the possibility of the tape having been altered with special effects. Had she seen the Wayans brothers movie "Little Man"? "It looked real, didn't it?" Adam asked.

"Not really," Jamison replied with some sarcasm.

Little Man is the best example of believable special effects you can come up with?

Follow up questions: "Didn't you believe that Marlon Wayans' was an infant?" "Come on: look at him. Are you going to tell me his face doesn't blend in seamlessly with that baby's body?" "Doesn't this film look delightful?"

Needless to say, but if R. Kelly's defense depends on demonstrating the verisimilitude of Wayans brothers movies, he is definitely going to jail. "It looks like R. Kelly because the special effects on this sex tape are subtle and amazing--just like Marlon Wayans' performance as a white woman in White Girls," is only an effective argument for the prosecution.

Mupepe · « **Reply #1 on:** May 22, 2008, 01:27:19 PM »

holy shit

Powerslave · « **Reply #2 on:** May 22, 2008, 01:28:50 PM »

jigga kelly not guilty

Pharmacy · « **Reply #3 on:** May 22, 2008, 01:34:54 PM »

hes black he did it

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #4 on:** May 22, 2008, 01:35:49 PM »

i can't believe how much it sounds EXACTLY like the boondocks episode

what does the jury look like, racially?

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #5 on:** May 22, 2008, 01:36:58 PM »

This sounds like something family lawyer from Arrested Development would say.

Great Rumbler · « **Reply #6 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:01:30 PM »

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #7 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:07:46 PM »

radioheadrule83 · « **Reply #8 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:13:13 PM »

It'll be total bullshit if this lame defence forces the jury to consider it reasonable doubt... it wouldn't surprise me if he got off with it though.

AdmiralViscen · « **Reply #9 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:13:43 PM »

This reads like an Onion article

Tauntaun · « **Reply #10 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:23:38 PM »

NO.WAY!

R. Kelly is scccaaaarrrreeeeewwwwweeeedddd!

[youtube=425,350]Ir_qkZ7kgJs[/youtube]

Mr. Gundam · « **Reply #11 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:31:15 PM »

Quote from: AdmiralViscen on May 22, 2008, 02:13:43 PM

This reads like an Onion article

It is an Onion article. The sad thing is that it's not made up.

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #12 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:35:26 PM »

R. Kelly had just eaten a bunch of twinkies, he didn't know what he was doing!!

Crushed · « **Reply #13 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:35:36 PM »

"For all we know, that piss was digital!"

Brehvolution · « **Reply #14 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:41:45 PM »

"One, two, Three, four, feeeiiifffth!"

CajoleJuice · « **Reply #15 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:45:49 PM »

Quote from: Crushed on May 22, 2008, 02:35:36 PM

"For all we know, that piss was digital!"

Really, I think they watched the Chappelle's Show skit to formulate their defense.

radioheadrule83 · « **Reply #16 on:** May 22, 2008, 02:58:24 PM »

I haven't seen Little Man, but on googling it and clicking the article itself...

Hooooly shit

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #17 on:** May 22, 2008, 03:15:29 PM »

You know, maybe that underage girl wrote down something naughty that she wanted R. Kelly to do to her, but since he's illiterate he just freaked out and pissed on her.

brawndolicious · « **Reply #18 on:** May 23, 2008, 07:07:15 PM »

It's pretty obvious that they're not actually trying to make a defense. They obviously can't disprove a video of him pissing on a girl, so the only chance they have is something like OJ where the jury doesn't want to commit a black celebrity of an obvious and very wrong crime that he commit. If the jury does find him guilty, he'll just say that his lawyer was obviously incompetent and try to get a new trial. It's sort of smart and very sick.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #19 on:** May 23, 2008, 07:10:31 PM »

If it's a black jury he's gonna get off real easy. If it's a white jury there's a chance for justice

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #20 on:** May 23, 2008, 07:34:42 PM »

He's released 6 albums since the video came out. It's really a shame. In that six years a few of the 21 counts of child pornography have been dropped, but I can't believe an alleged child rapist was allowed to roam free for so long.

aoi tsuki · « **Reply #21 on:** May 23, 2008, 08:03:19 PM »

For reference, here's R. Kelly's trial on the Boondocks:

[youtube=425,350]XSdp_HpzqRs[/youtube]

The actual tape always makes me

Great Rumbler · « **Reply #22 on:** May 23, 2008, 09:36:31 PM »

Adam West putting in another great performance.

Enl · « **Reply #23 on:** May 23, 2008, 09:56:38 PM »

I get it now. So the Wayans' set up R. Kelly! Quick, they need to get all the Wayans brothers in the courtroom and have them strip their shirts off to check for a lack of moling! God this defense is so awful that I hope some videos leak out so I can see it in action.

brawndolicious · « **Reply #24 on:** May 24, 2008, 10:34:13 PM »

Quote from: dcharlie on May 23, 2008, 07:28:55 PM

i need to ask... why has this taken 6+ years to come to trial?

the lawyers probably tried to postpone it for as long as possible and there were also a bunch of random things like the prosecutor getting pregnant and the judge getting a broken leg and whatnot. It's scary how much freedom they gave to Kelly though, I think they even let him go on tour.

ferrarimanf355 · « **Reply #25 on:** May 25, 2008, 05:26:23 PM »

Why am I reminded of those Chappelle's Show skits and that one episode of The Boondocks?

Trent Dole · « **Reply #26 on:** May 25, 2008, 05:53:12 PM »

Quote from: ferrarimanf355 on May 25, 2008, 05:26:23 PM

Why am I reminded of those Chappelle's Show skits and that one episode of The Boondocks?

Because they were posted in the thread?

ferrarimanf355 · « **Reply #27 on:** May 25, 2008, 06:44:47 PM »

Quote from: Trent Dole on May 25, 2008, 05:53:12 PM

Quote from: ferrarimanf355 on May 25, 2008, 05:26:23 PM
Why am I reminded of those Chappelle's Show skits and that one episode of The Boondocks?
Because they were posted in the thread?

I didn't read the whole thread, bite me.

AdmiralViscen · « **Reply #28 on:** May 26, 2008, 01:36:50 PM »

Someone email this to his defense team:

[youtube=425,350]QBJZXyfLrpU[/youtube]