I'm in love

[Reb]

Rambling ahead!
Dearest Evilbore, I pose you the following question: Is it OK to make a move on a girl that's in a relationship?

There's this girl that I've known for years, and we had a thing when I was young and confused.
Now that I'm older, and a little less confused, I took her out for dinner, just as friends. During the 6 hours that we talked I came to the conclusion that I'm in love with her, and probably have been for years. She's beautiful, she sees right trough all my bullshit and she pushes me to become a better person. She just makes my life better.

She recently moved in with her boyfriend, of 1,5 years. But she mostly did it because her old house was robbed twice recently. The way she describes him, I'm pretty certain I'm better for her in almost every way. Also, I feel like there's still something between us.

Should I disregard decency and make a move? Or am I setting myself up for disappointment?

End of rambling!

[Pharmacy]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww hell naaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww

just always be there for her, pray her relationship goes tits up then swoop in

[Powerslave]

I love these stories. Can't give you any advice but hopefully we'll get a happy end. I'm a sucker for love stories

[Mupepe]

you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  if you go through some of my 19k posts around this time last year you'll see that I did exactly the same thing.  It was great fun at first, but it fell apart and our friendship became pretty fucked.

there ya go.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

but no i don't think it's morally wrong

[close]

[Reb]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww hell naaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww

just always be there for her, pray her relationship goes tits up then swoop in

I dislike the waiting in your advice, but I do like the use of tits.

[Mupepe]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww hell naaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww

just always be there for her, pray her relationship goes tits up then swoop in

this really is the best advice.

you will kill your friendship and your chance at a relationship if you succeed in wooing her right now. 

[Reb]

WTF browser flipping out

[Crushed]

If you do, you may be happy forever, but you may also ruin your friendship and cause eternal suffering for yourself.

If you don't, you may have made a terrible irreparable mistake, but you may also save yourself from eternal suffering.



NO PRESSURE

[Mupepe]

if you really are the better man and you really care for her, make her see it in the right light.  If you care about her, you're not going to put her in a bad position.  If she cares about you and you really are the better man (and she's a woman worthy of you), she'll see it and choose you.

believe me when i say you will fuck up your friendship and kill chances of a relationship.  i've done this more than once and it never ended well.


like i said though, it's fun shit but it'll fade away when you want more and she's stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

also, think about what a great foundation that is to start a relationship on.  i'm sure there won't be any issues between you two because of it.

[APF]

Fish, sea.

[Reb]

Do it. Listen to your heart and do it! Don't make the same mistake I did, God Dammit!

I love these stories. Can't give you any advice but hopefully we'll get a happy end. I'm a sucker for love stories

you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  if you go through some of my 19k posts around this time last year you'll see that I did exactly the same thing.  It was great fun at first, but it fell apart and our friendship became pretty fucked.

there ya go.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

but no i don't think it's morally wrong

[close]

If you do, you may be happy forever, but you may also ruin your friendship and cause eternal suffering for yourself.

If you don't, you may have made a terrible irreparable mistake, but you may also save yourself from eternal suffering.



NO PRESSURE

Don't do it, nothing is forever.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

[close]

spoiler (click to show/hide)

That even means friendship, so go for it. Have fun while it lasts.

[close]

[Crushed]

Listen to ParticleReality. Listen to the voices in your head.

Kill the interloper.

[MyNameIsMethodis]

Don't do it. Keep her as a friend who you stick your pecker into.

[Pharmacy]

just fyi i used to have loads of female friends but now i have NONE and im a much happier person

so, you could always fuck the friendship up it doesnt matter

[Mupepe]

Yeah, listen to ParticleReality, he's 15

[Reb]

Combining the advice of Mups and PR, how do I go for it and show her I'm the best mayne, without fucking up her situation?

[Crushed]

Combining the advice of Mups and PR, how do I go for it and show her I'm the best mayne, without fucking up her situation?

The interloper.

His skin. Take it. Then you'll have his power and your love.

[Reb]

Also, I'm impressed with the response time!

[patrickula]

The danger of making a move is, if you do end up in a relationship, you know that some other guy might be able to do the same as you.  Even if it's unrealistic, the precedent would have been set and I doubt I'd be able to put it out of mind personally  

You can try to make her see things your way, hint at your feelings, but don't do anything sneaky if you want something serious with her and your desire is to be the better guy.
You don't wanna fuck up a friendship either.  If it sounds like she's not in that great of a thing, then maybe it won't last much longer anyway.  Just let her know you're there and hope for the best I guess.

[MyNameIsMethodis]

What if you aren't the best man? Ever thought of that?

[Pharmacy]

Combining the advice of Mups and PR, how do I go for it and show her I'm the best mayne, without fucking up her situation?

josef fritzel

[Mupepe]

make an effort to be more of a friend.  try to spend more time with her doing things you two have in common.  just be her friend.  she'll see it and if she doesn't, despite what you might think, that's not what she wants so it wasn't meant to be anyways.

[Mupepe]

also, if they're really not meant to be and they're moving in, you'll find out very quick.  moving in together is one of the biggest hurdles for a relationship and if it's weak, it should fall apart quickly.

[Mupepe]

Combining the advice of Mups and PR, how do I go for it and show her I'm the best mayne, without fucking up her situation?

Thats not possible man. I've slept with girls who were good friends before. Now we never speak.

which is why he shouldn't try to fuck around with her while she's with this dude.

[Powerslave]

Yeah, listen to ParticleReality, he's 15

and you're divorced lulz

[Mupepe]

Yeah, listen to ParticleReality, he's 15

and you're divorced lulz

so by default i have more experience. 

You're just lucky that your hand can't leave you.

[etiolate]

You're screwed if you're already emotionally attached. If she just moved in with the guy, there's no chance really. You are in one of the suckiest places to be, the unattainable girl.  Good luck.

[MyNameIsMethodis]

Wait PR is a fellow black man?

Listen to him.

[Reb]

What if you aren't the best man? Ever thought of that?

Get out of my head. 

Combining the advice of Mups and PR, how do I go for it and show her I'm the best mayne, without fucking up her situation?

Thats not possible man. I've slept with girls who were good friends before. Now we never speak.

It's not about sleeping with her, it's the whole "she completes me" thing.

make an effort to be more of a friend.  try to spend more time with her doing things you two have in common.  just be her friend.  she'll see it and if she doesn't, despite what you might think, that's not what she wants so it wasn't meant to be anyways.

She invited me to her salsa dancing lessons. 

[MyNameIsMethodis]

Rebiak is she black or white?

[Mupepe]

fuck it, spend more time with both of them that way you can be friends her boyfriend too so that when you cross the line and you're banging her there won't be any problem with her saying "yeah baby, rebiak is coming over tonight to watch tv while you're at work."  and he'll just be like "tell him what's up!"  and you'll be like "my dick is all up in your girl  lololol" after she hangs up with him and you'll both crack up and take a hit off the pipe

[Mupepe]

which is why he shouldn't try to fuck around with her while she's with this dude.

As I see it the other guy is not even important in this scenario. If they are friends and they fuck they either:
-live happily ever after
-ruin their friendship

with your second option he has nothing to do with it.  but even if it doesn't fall apart just from the awkward friend sex, it will eventually fall apart if she really does care for the other guy.

[etiolate]

  wtf

[Reb]

You're screwed if you're already emotionally attached. If she just moved in with the guy, there's no chance really. You are in one of the suckiest places to be, the unattainable girl.  Good luck.

I was hoping the salsa dancing would compensate for the sharing of the rest of her time with him in one space.

Rebiak is she black or white?

She's white, but I'm too, I was dicking around when I said I was black.

[Powerslave]

Oh and don't forget, sex isn't important for a good while. Get that shit outta your brain. It'll fuck yo shit up.

You heart's worst enemy is your dick. It can get confusing at times, your dick will try to take control but you gotta fight it. Use your love for her as a shield.

 Remember this.

it seems you are experienced with this shit, tell me more

[Mupepe]

if you're going to salsa dancing and her boyfriend won't, that's a good thing!

+1 Rebiak

bang that ho

[muckhole]

If dinner went so well, how about taking her out again and doing a bit of fishing this time to see if she even remotely feels the same way? You can always find a way to work in something like "If you two don't work out, gimme a call" or something to that effect to gauge her reaction. There would be nothing worse than torturing yourself over this if she wouldn't play ball anyways.

[Pharmacy]

She's white, but I'm too, I was dicking around when I said I was black.

u fucking cracker!!!! what maeks you think that is a good idea????pretending to be a brother?????????????? wtf man if i ever saw u seriously id beat u like mohammed ali!!!!!!!(also black man BLACK PRIDE)

[Madrun Badrun]

Wait PR is a fellow black man?

Listen to him.

PR is so white he lights up the room with a phosphorus glow when the moonlight hits him. 

Listen to Mups, he's my Magister Feminarum.   

[Mupepe]

love or proximity infatuation?

[Crushed]

his face

it's your face now

put it on

[Reb]

She's white, but I'm too, I was dicking around when I said I was black.

u fucking cracker!!!! what maeks you think that is a good idea????pretending to be a brother?? wtf man if i ever saw u seriously id beat u like mohammed ali!!!!!!!(also black man BLACK PRIDE)

It's ok, I'm taking it back.

Are you really in love or did you just have an amazing night out with her, I mean after a 6 hour talk it's not strange the think for a second that there is more to this than just that: talk.

Then again who am I to give relationship advice atm.

I've known her for years, and always figured she was out of my league. Recently I feel better about myself, and I realized how stupid it is to dismiss such a good match.

his face

it's your face now

put it on

OK, now you're freaking me out! Is this like Face/Off? I want to take his face... off...

[Madrun Badrun]

PR is so white he lights up the room with a phosphorus glow when the moonlight hits him.

Bitches don't call me Candlelight Jones for nothin'.

lol.

[tiesto]

I say invite her out again, make some slight physical contact (could be anything from gently nudging her on the arms to putting your arms around her), see how that goes, and constantly escalate. And if she doesn't get the hint, if she doesn't reciprocate, forget about her. As much as I hate to say it... go out and meet other girls. Having options is the best thing for someone in the dating game. You may find a girl that's even better for you, you never know...

That's what happened to me. I was really into one girl (who I've alluded to on here a few times in the past), she had multiple sclerosis and other assorted health issues, didn't want a relationship, didn't feel any "chemistry" w/me or so she says... so what I did was go out and try to meet as many girls as I could (both out in bars/lounges and on match.com), one of the girls I met is now my girlfriend and she is much better g/f material - intelligent, no health issues, and she cooks too!

[Reb]

I already started with the touching, but it's her style to touch a lot, so it's hard to read into that.

But I guess it's best to keep looking out for other girls, because this is probably a case of inflated self-esteem, which will end painfully. But right now, in my mind, she's that perfect girl. Including the intelligence and the cooking!

[Mupepe]

go after other girls but don't give up.

hell, it might make her jealous if you start seeing someone else and she might realize you're what she wants.  happened to me!

[APF]

I could date a girl with one sclerosis, but not multiple sclerosis.  That's just too many scleroses.

[Madrun Badrun]

I could date a girl with one sclerosis, but not multiple sclerosis.  That's just too many scleroses.

 

[Trent Dole]

The friendship is dead wether you act on this or not. So with that in mind...

spoiler (click to show/hide)

fucking hit that shit

[close]

[Reb]

Ok, so she keeps asking me to go "zouk" dancing together. So I looked it up, and this is what it is:

"Unlike salsa, which is led with the hands; Brazilian zouk is led by more parts of the body, noticeably the glued-to-each-other hips of the partners. Thus, in a basic sideways movement, it is the hips that move first, followed by the rest of the body, and this is part of what makes the dance so sensual. However, in various moves the dance partners are also connected by eye contact, legs, arms, shoulders, head, etc."

So basicly its like a step away from actual intercourse. I would be worried if my girlfriend would arrange to do this dance with another man on a regular basis.

[Kestastrophe]

Go dancing, but don't go assuming that she is doing it just to get closer to you. If you are getting the feeling that she is sending you signals, then make a move. Since she is your friend first and foremost, I would try to bring the idea of dating her upfront, as opposed to diving headfirst in physical interaction. At least that way you will each know where you stand and there will be a possibility of saving the friendship if the dating relationship doesn't pan out.

[Phoenix Dark]

She's in a relationship, end of story. Don't be That Guy, the one you'd be posting about in fury if he had made moves on your girlfriend. It's not worth it, it's wrong, etc.

if you must, wait for her to break up. i say forget her: there are more fish in the sea, you don't know what "love" is anyway so save yourself the heart break that would commence after the inevitable break up

[balikeye]

A lot of the views in this thread are nice and quite "story-booky", but step back for a second and evaluate the situation.

You have known each other for years. Although you may say that you just fell in love with her, it sounds like you've been fawning over her the whole time. However, for whatever the reasons you have never made the move. You are being naive if you think for one minute that she hasn't picked up on this. You had a wonderful dinner with her and suddenly you feel, "Oh my gawd, I might actually have a chance!"

Now look at her relationship. First off, get the whole "I would be the better guy for her" thought out of your head. If that were the case you would have been that guy already (especially since you've known each other for years). She has been with this guy for some time now, and I'd be willing to bet you've been there every step of the way to give that extra attention she needed when things have went bad. In a way she is using you...but, that is what true friends are for right?

So as I see it, there are really only two options for you. Either you get real and face the facts that you are her friend and that is the only way it will be. So you be a true friend and suck it up and be there for her as a friend and move on no matter how bad her relationship ever gets. OR you be honest with yourself and decide that these feelings probably have been there the whole time. That they will more than likely never change. Then man up and actually communicate them to her, then distance yourself appropriately until she can decide how much she needs you in her life, and to what extent. Then you have to make your decision as to if that is going to be alright with you.

If you go on this road you are heading, one of two things are more than likely the end result. Things will never happen between you two, and as you endure ever bad situation and think, "I could be so much better" you'll end up being miserable. OR as mup's said...you can flirt around until one day she is vulnerable enough to give it a go, but she'll end up breaking your heart because you were just the guy who was there...not the guy her heart wants to belong to.

[Reb]

Nice, I like the "in-your-face" opposing view.

Luckily, I have not been the fawning, being there every step of the way guy.
Basically we get it touch every year, go out, keep in touch for a month or so, and then lose contact.
We're both not really bothered with this pattern, and every year when we get in touch again, we still consider each other friends. This has been going on for 6 years now.

The first time we dated, so there was attraction right away, but it didn't work out, since we're both complicated people. We just decided to give up. The following years always one of us was in a relationship, but we like each others company enough to just hang out.

This time was different, since I'm not in a relationship, and I think I finally figured myself out enough to be in a functional relationship. In the conversation and the days after that, she showed how much she understands me, and she pushes me to be a better person. She also showed me her fears and weaknesses, which I think I can help her with. Basically it showed me how awesome we would be together.

BUT, you do have some good points. Yes, she is probably a girl looking for some attention and fun, since her boyfriend is a stay at home nerd. No, I'm not that certain I'm the better man, but I want to believe!


I have the feeling my English is pretty flawed at the moment (I'm tired, and no spellcheck on this PC) so my apologies for that.

[balikeye]

Luckily, I have not been the fawning, being there every step of the way guy.
Basically we get it touch every year, go out, keep in touch for a month or so, and then lose contact.
We're both not really bothered with this pattern, and every year when we get in touch again, we still consider each other friends. This has been going on for 6 years now.

That is probably a good thing for you then. The way I took your posts it definitely sounded like you two were a lot closer than just getting in touch once a year. I guess, that just brings up the question...why only once or twice a year?

The first time we dated, so there was attraction right away, but it didn't work out, since we're both complicated people. We just decided to give up. The following years always one of us was in a relationship, but we like each others company enough to just hang out.

This time was different, since I'm not in a relationship, and I think I finally figured myself out enough to be in a functional relationship. In the conversation and the days after that, she showed how much she understands me, and she pushes me to be a better person. She also showed me her fears and weaknesses, which I think I can help her with. Basically it showed me how awesome we would be together.

BUT, you do have some good points. Yes, she is probably a girl looking for some attention and fun, since her boyfriend is a stay at home nerd. No, I'm not that certain I'm the better man, but I want to believe!

Personally, I still have my doubts that this one dinner was such an eye opening experience. Especially after knowing this person for so long. But hey, you were there not me. I'd just make damn sure that if you are going to put the cards out on the table, it's because of a true feeling of "I can't live with myself, if I just don't try", instead of a "I really think we could be good together" feeling. In my opinion there is always too much at stake to go on a hunch because a couple of great convos with a friend that you've already admitted that you are attracted to even dated at one point in time.

I'd just be careful about the flirtations. This isn't a typical trying to "woo" a girl situation. Like I said before, if it's to the point where you are willing to risk it all, put it out there. Otherwise, your friendship will no doubt be tainted and like someone else said before...you'll end up being that guy. Whatever you decide, best of luck to ya.

[BobFromPikeCreek]

A girl in a relationship could like you back as much as you like her, but odds are she wont break it off for you. Too much sudden huge change is bad. I told a girl I liked her while she was in a relationship, and she said she was going to dump her boyfriend for me, but then like a week later she said she couldn't make such a huge change in her life.

Just leave it alone or else you'll feel pretty shitty.


Side topic: Above mentioned girl is single now. Would it be weird for me to ask her out now?

[Mupepe]

A girl in a relationship could like you back as much as you like her, but odds are she wont break it off for you. Too much sudden huge change is bad. I told a girl I liked her while she was in a relationship, and she said she was going to dump her boyfriend for me, but then like a week later she said she couldn't make such a huge change in her life.

Just leave it alone or else you'll feel pretty shitty.


Side topic: Above mentioned girl is single now. Would it be weird for me to ask her out now?

no.  go for it