Card Cheat, Muckhole and GilloD can be Europeans too.
Fuck yeah!
So here's a drunk story, it's called "The Night of a 1000 Milkshakes".
So one night we start drinking because we are young and invincible and generally like to be drunk. We sit around listening to the Beach Boys for awhile and then decide to go Karoeke. I should mention that this story takes place in Fuckall, Pennsylvania, population: HICKS. So karoeke is code for, "Listen to some fat blonde chick warble Garth Brooks". So, anyway, we go to this bar and we're already fuck drunk but then something magical happens.
This lady comes up to my friend Zack and she is WASTED. She asks him to get her a drink because she is SO WASTED the bartender won't serve her. Zack says okay and she hands him THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Zack tries to give it back but she's like "No, just get the drinks and gimmie change". So Zack waits in line for a bit and buys her a drink. When he gets back, she is GONE. The bouncer kicked her out and he said she just drove off. So now we're up 297 bucks. We buy drinks for fuckin' everybody. In the meantime, my friend Quinn is busy studding the karoeke queue with multiple performances of "Girl from Ipanema", but that comes later. I sit with a guy who is an honest to god character in a country song- Lost his job, lost his wife, lost his dog. Sucks.
Anyway, "Girl from Ipanema" keeps coming up because Quinn has been busy requesting it at odd moments. During these performances we each grab a mic and HOWL the lyrics, rolling around on the floor and beating each other up. The hicks are getting mad because we're not singing Toby Keith. So I decide to try the impossible.
I am not a man who is well balanced. I tip over standing up. But I decide that to conclude this performance of GfI I'm going to run, dive and tuck into a roll. So, I run, dive, land on a table, tip teh whole thing over and black out for a solid minute. Everyone thinks I'm dead, but I just get up. At this point we have to leave because between Zack's illcit money, my gymanistics and the fact that Quinnis trying to pick up MARRIED WOMEN, we're abotu to be the first white people to be lynched in like 100 years.
So my friend Tim who is not drunk drives us to a convience store. Zack gives me like 50bucks and I buy 30 milkshakes- They're these DIY shitty, pre made things. But I buy 30 and we spend the next 15 minutes pelting MY CAR with them because this is the funniest thing that has ever happened.
After this we head back into town and I convince this cute girl that we should have sex on someone's lawn. We do and it's like 2 AM, but I also have a harmonica that I insist on blowing everywhere I go. Thinking it is hilarious to have sex and play a harmonica, I do this until a hick leans out the window and says, "I will fucking shoot you" and he means it, so I steal his planter. At this point the girl is totally wigged out so she leaves me with the planter, but Quinn is suddenly reappeared and we set off with the planter.
The rest of this story is vague as hell because I went from like BLASTED to WASTED, but it ends like this: I wake up in my underwear sprawled out on the floor of my apartment surrounded by plants and dirt.
It was the most fun I ever had with my life.
