[Sorry for the crappy formatting. My friend found it as a comment to a political article, and thought I'd enjoy it. I think you'll enjoy it, too!]
Dear Red States:
If you manage to steal this election too we've decided
we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you
aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and
all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial
to the nation, and especially to the people of the new
country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the
slave
states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We
get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the
red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single moms....
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice
and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens
back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask
your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently
willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they
don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success
in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not
willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of
80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the
pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit,
95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90%
of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans
(thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected
health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100%
of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University
of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you....
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is
sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death
penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a
theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you
crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals
then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have
that dirt weed they grow in Mexico
Peace out,
--Blue States
