Author Topic: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS  (Read 1183 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Van Cruncheon

  • live mas or die trying
  • Banned
finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« on: January 23, 2009, 09:17:53 PM »
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/difficult_to_tell_if_t_j_maxx_hit



Quote from: america's finest news source
CHICAGO—While a majority of the nation's top retailers have reported a decided slump in 2008, economists studying the declining consumer markets are still unable to determine if discount clothing store T.J. Maxx has been affected by widespread recession.

Financial analysts, observing more than 100 locations nationwide, cited large quantities of off-brand and wildly scattered merchandise as evidence that T.J. Maxx has either been devastated by the economic downturn, or is carrying on as usual in spite of it.

"The state of this store does not in any way correspond to our standard criteria for judging long-term viability," said economist Graham Stinson, referring to Chicago's Fullerton Avenue branch, where more than half of the fluorescent lights are burnt out. "For instance, the canvas bins heaped with broken stemware in aisle six may be a sign that T.J. Maxx is on the verge of complete bankruptcy. Either that, or it's doing perfectly fine. It's impossible to say which."

Further evidence of T.J. Maxx's imminent foreclosure or, possibly, its wholly unaffected condition, included reports of shoppers rummaging through barrels of lamps up to their shoulders, multiple sightings of bras stuffed into children's shoes, the impromptu sale of in-store display cases for cash, and an excess of golf-based giftware.

Although economists were able to make firsthand observations of customers rifling through overturned clothing racks, their requests to analyze the company's financial records were met with confusion. Stinson and his team were eventually provided with a water-stained folder of handwritten receipts, but failed to make use of most of the data due to its ripped, soiled, and often indecipherable state.

Compiled interviews with customers also provided little insight. Many reported seeing "Cash Only, No Refunds" signs posted in every store and recalled having to climb over sacks of winter coats to reach clearance bins of mix-and-match earrings, leading economists to believe that the discount chain may be suffering after all.

"They must be doing really badly if they're selling this crap really cheap," said Lake Forest, IL resident Brian Crowe, carrying an armful of L.A. Gear sneakers to his car. "You've got to take advantage before this place shuts its doors for good."

Others, however, see T.J. Maxx poised to have a very lucrative year in 2009.

"That place must be doing pretty well," frequent customer Mark Rankin said. "I just saw some guy walking around with an armful of L.A. Gear sneakers."

With only one checkout lane remaining in most stores, some financial experts speculate that the retailer can no longer afford to employ workers. A two-week study of a Cleveland-area location did, however, turn up some minor evidence of a workforce, including the sighting of three folded shirts and a number of individuals smoking and playing Uno in the break room.

"Our analysis of T.J. Maxx's workforce was inconclusive, as we were never totally sure anyone was actually employed there," economist Libby Archer said. "Although, I suppose the lack of a distinct uniform could be a sign that they're doing well enough to move to a more upscale, boutique-type image for the store. That woman I saw drop a load of 20 sweaters onto a table of hats might have been the lead salesgirl."

"She did tell me to get the fuck out of her way," Archer added.

Economists were, however, able to locate a single store manager after months of searching. James Boucher, who runs the domestic department of the Smyrna, GA location, was found weeping in the middle of a sock aisle and was unable to comment on the store's current financial status—a sign that may suggest the overall mood at T.J. Maxx is more dire than previously thought.

"Oh, Jim is crying all the time," said possible coworker Anita Rouse. "He's been breaking down in tears once a day since he started here nine years ago."
« Last Edit: January 23, 2009, 09:33:13 PM by Professor Prole »
duc

AdmiralViscen

  • Murdered in the digital realm
  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2009, 09:32:18 PM »
:lol add the pic

Van Cruncheon

  • live mas or die trying
  • Banned
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2009, 09:34:43 PM »
the sad thing, every one of the few times i've been in a t.j. maxx, it has looked like that.
duc

ch1nchilla

  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2009, 09:37:42 PM »
I don't think I've ever been inside of a TJ Maxx. And if I have, I've forced it out of my memories.

EDIT: Is TJ Maxx the store that sells all those shitass off-brand-Seven jeans?

« Last Edit: January 23, 2009, 09:53:23 PM by ch1nchilla »

AdmiralViscen

  • Murdered in the digital realm
  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2009, 09:37:43 PM »
This shit has me roflin :rofl

Flannel Boy

  • classic millennial sex pickle
  • Icon
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2009, 09:41:41 PM »
I have never heard of this store.

Van Cruncheon

  • live mas or die trying
  • Banned
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2009, 09:45:45 PM »
i'm pretty sure they have like zero operating cost aside from rent and the $8/hr they pay the downsie kid -- also the sole employee -- to make a pile of shoes in the middle of the store
duc

Brehvolution

  • Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.
  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2009, 09:51:27 PM »
I got some sweet Timmy Hilfiger button downs for $11 a piece. The same shirt cost $34.99 department stores. Said so right on the price tag.

spoiler (click to show/hide)
/redneck
[close]
©ZH

Van Cruncheon

  • live mas or die trying
  • Banned
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2009, 09:51:50 PM »
soooo-eeee
duc

Joe Molotov

  • I'm much more humble than you would understand.
  • Administrator
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2009, 10:00:32 PM »
Awesome, this is the spiritual sequel to one of my favorite Onion articles: Radioshack CEO Doesn't Known How Radioshack Stays in Business.
©@©™

Brehvolution

  • Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.
  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2009, 10:08:21 PM »
Marshall's was a worse experience than my local TJM.

Here is a bunch of shit in a box.
©ZH

Olivia Wilde Homo

  • Proud Kinkshamer
  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2009, 10:53:26 PM »
Never been inside one or have seen one
🍆🍆

DJ_Tet

  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2009, 10:54:14 PM »
Marshalls is definitely a step up over TJ Maxx.  That picture is dead on.


Funny anectdote, I saw a lady walked out of TJ Maxx in handcuffs as a child.  That's when you know you're poor, you're shoplifting at TJ Maxx.


TIT

cool breeze

  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2009, 02:32:56 AM »
TJ Maxx and Marshalls are basically the same place

Fragamemnon

  • Excel 2008 GOTY
  • Icon
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #14 on: January 24, 2009, 03:53:54 AM »
I like TJ Maxx, even if I don't shop there. It doesn't pretend to be anything more than a cheap place for clothes, and keeps itself in a state of disarray that is in keeping with that mission.

Though the very best store for that kind of effect is Big Lots. As a bonus, you can usually find some cheap kickass PC games and corn chips/energy drinks if you want.  :lol
hex

Brehvolution

  • Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.
  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #15 on: January 24, 2009, 10:37:04 AM »
If you buy any type of food at Big Lots, check the expiration date before checkout.
©ZH

tiesto

  • ルカルカ★ナイトフィーバー
  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #16 on: January 24, 2009, 11:11:43 AM »
That looks like the K-mart I used to work at (now closed)
^_^

BlueTsunami

  • The Muffin Man
  • Senior Member
Re: finally, a recession-proof business UNLESS
« Reply #17 on: January 24, 2009, 11:20:53 AM »
My local T.J Maxx usually has some hood rats shuffling around and looking at under priced garments and the latina one named Quantiah is like "Yo' Latifah chek out dis skurt" and Latifah is all like "That shit is maaad nice. Lets cop this shit... Janina told me the metal deetecters are just fo sho"
:9