I keep getting Christian religious denominations screwed up.

[Barry Egan]

Inspired by the FatherMike/Malek thread.

my Jew brain is only good for counting money/bagel making, and has a hard time separating you gentiles one from the next.  If someone could provide me with a broad list of stereotypes for the following denominations, I would be much obliged:

Protestantism
Roman Catholicism
Anglicanism
Methodists
Baptists
Calvinism

 

 

[Cheebs]

Evangelicals: Crazy
Catholics: Crazy, but slightly less so because they at least believe in evolution
All the others: fuck em, not important enough to care about. But probably crazy.

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

It should be noted that despite what the Pope says, 90%+ of Catholics do whatever they want anyway and think whatever they want, regardless of what the Pope decides on.

I also think that Calvinism is supposedly really strict and Methodism is the rejection of Calvinism*

* - Source: King of the Hill

[Bacchus7]

Calvin came up with that hare-brained theory of predestination.

[brawndolicious]

Aren't Unitarians the ones that don't believe in the trinity?  They get some sanity points too if true.

[tiesto]

Don't feel bad, I'm formerly Roman Catholic and I don't know the difference either...

Agreed with Cheebs that Evangelicals are batshit insane and if a girl mentions that she belongs to a "non denominational" church, run for the fucking hills.

[Propagandhim]

There are actually a ton of differences between Catholics and Protestants..namely Catholics have more rituals and traditional objects involved in their masses.  Catholics also have more stringent rules when it comes to who can be religious figures (priests/deacons/etc.)  Protestants are very barebones when it comes to worship.  Protestants don't acknowledge saints, adhere to priest-assisted confession, communion, confirmation, etc. 

[Dickie Dee]

Roman Catholicism is made up of 70% old weirdos who never could get laid and 30% old-school awesomeness that isn't seen anymore but should be. Their stances on social issues are roughly in proportion.

I'm pretty much ok with a church that wants to promote a bunch of unrealisticness on sex, because apparently that is religion's bread and butter.

Thankfully at least, the Roman Catholic Church embraces Evolution, which isn't a huge deal to me, but the war against Evolution might just give me an embolism.

*sleeps in on sunday morning*

[Van Cruncheon]

Protestantism
Roman Catholicism
Anglicanism
Methodists
Baptists
Calvinism

catholics: the wacky "original" christian faith, draped in ceremony and liturgy and a sort of second-tier polytheism involving the invokation of saints. known for producing theistic intellectuals and for being steeped in arcana. also known for their dirty nasty popes, long-winded essays and epistles, and boy-loving priesthood. their flock tend to feel intense guilt once a week.

protestants: the uptight asses that split off from catholicism when they felt that the catholics cared more about pomp and ceremony and politics and the trappings of religion than the good old-fashioned fealty towards that christ dude. known for being archly condemnatory of those who fail to live up to their contrived standards, and also for lacking the holy legal loopholes that let catholics get out of being hypocrites. their flock tend to be simple, dogmatic, and disgusted with you and your sinful ways.

anglicanism: the british schism of the catholic church. imagine the holy roman church without a pope, and much, much snottier. their flock is known for hating wops.

methodists: laid-back, vaguely liberal east coast protestants commonly found in the suburbs of major cities. their only really obnoxious quality is their "covenant" business, where you go apeshit for the lord at regular periods. other than that, they tend to hate homos less than god does and certainly less than baptists do. their flock is known for potlucks.

baptists: horrid subintellectuals that generally tend towards fundamentalist protestantism and bumper stickers. these congregate in the south and celebrate the nastier bits of the bible, and are more inclined than any other sect to spew useless bible quotes at the drop of his hat. usually heard saying "god is good, he will provide" right before dropping their kid's college fund on a new silverado. actually, natch: they hate higher learning in general. they believe that to be saved you must be baptised as john the baptist was, so they dunk their kids' heads (and those of would-be born-again converts) into a giant rhinestone-spackled bathtub or bowl. their flock is known for being unpleasantly slow and simple.

calvinists: are a branch of catholicism based on the teachings of john calvin, and don't really exist any more. they believe that god decided whether or not you were fucked when you were born, and that life is just an endless slog until you die and god -- being omnipotent and independent of time -- gets his lulz. typically, calvinism is dreary, depressing, tediously liturgical, and pseudo-intellectual. their flock, if any remain, are monks.

[Phoenix Dark]

Calvinists are the absolute worst

Most baptists don't believe salvation is through baptism btw. They'll tell you it's an "outward sign of an inward change." In reality baptism shouldn't be practiced today.

/if you believe that sort of stuff

[xnikki118x]

Prole

Catholics: follow the pope as Christ on earth and believe him to be infallible as far as the Church is concerned. Weekly Mass on Sundays or Saturday nights. Priests are the ones who give/celebrate the Mass. Priests can't marry, and they take a vow of celibacy. Nuns are like female priests, but they don't give Mass, they just teach and stuff. They take a vow of celibacy and of poverty. The nuns who taught me in Catholic School wore small gold wedding bands because they were "married to Jesus" but I think that varies by the types of nuns.

Catholics pray to Mary (the mother of Jesus) and the saints. Many saints have their own feast days, when Mass will be held in their honor. Certain saints called patron saints also represent different things and praying to different saints is supposed to make different things happen. Saint Joseph is the patron saint of homeowners, and I think if you're trying to sell your house you're supposed to bury a statue of him upside-down in your front yard or something. Saint Jude is the patron saint of lost causes, so old Catholic grannies will pray to him when their adolescent grandchildren screw up. There is a patron saint for EVERYTHING.

Catholic hierarchy is as follows: priest < bishop < archbishop < cardinal < pope. You have to be a priest before you can be a bishop, bishop before archbishop, etc. and there is only one pope. You can have as many priests as you want, but I believe there are x numbers of available spots for everything else.

The big deal for Catholics is the Eucharist/Holy Communion. A priest will take wafers and wine, bless them, and transform them into the body and blood of Christ for the congregation to partake in. Communion is a huge deal. Kids receive it at age 7 (the age of reason, because you need to be able to know right from wrong and have a good soul and stuff) and the boys wear little suits and girls wear little white dresses and veils. Lots of parents throw parties for this. It's not as big as a Jewish Bar/Bat Mizvah, but as far as Catholics go it's comparable. And some people think the whole Communion thing is cannibalism, because it's truly supposed to represent and BE the body and blood of Jesus.

There are 6 other sacraments besides Eucharist/Communion. Baptism comes first (along with Confirmation for Byzantines), then Reconciliation/Penance (confession), then Eucharist/Communion, then Confirmation. You're confirmed around age 12 and it's the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Bishop confirms you by putting oil on your forehead and letting you "receive the holy spirit", and you also pick another name to call yourself/for the Holy Spirit to call you. So that's cool because you get another name, hah. Then some Catholics have other sacraments: Marriage, Holy Orders (becoming a priest or a nun, obviously not applicable to everyone), and Last Rites/Anointing of the Sick if you're seriously ill.

Basically Catholics: leaders need to get laid, pray to a bunch of people/beings other than God, sacraments, possibly cannibals.

[Cheebs]

All I know is I went to a catholic elementary/middle school and protestant high school and protestants ended up scaring me a lot more. Although I enjoyed the fact that my religion teacher was convinced I was going to hell yet at the same time I had the highest grade that class.

[tiesto]

anglicanism: the british schism of the catholic church. imagine the holy roman church without a pope, and much, much snottier. their flock is known for hating wops.

  damn limeys!

what about evangelicals/born-agains?

Around here, about 99% of the people are either Catholic or Jewish, and out of those who are Catholic, very few are religious at all and take an extremely liberal view of religion.

[ToxicAdam]

I was a Lutheran (OG Protestant). Where Sunday school was basically 80% learning about Jesus and 20% learning about why Catholics are evil. By the time I was in 7th grade (and also, oddly enough, by reading Dune), I was pretty anti-religion. I still got confirmed, but never went to church again after that.

[Reb]

I was baptised and confirmed, never believed for a moment though. I don't know why I went along with it, my parents didn't care either.

[Human Snorenado]

Never baptised. 

My parents were dirty hippies and didn't want to indoctrinate their kids, which is pretty awesome.  Then the 80's happened and I think they felt guilty about their hippieness and we went to a Unitarian church occasionally.  But in the end, our family was too lax for the rigid standards and practices of the Unitarian church.

[Cheebs]

Never baptised. 

My parents were dirty hippies and didn't want to indoctrinate their kids, which is pretty awesome. 

Same.  My parents are hippie atheist libruls (yet they sent me to private schools lol) but my moms parents were strict church going folk and drove my mom insane because my mom refused to baptize me.

[Tauntaun]

catholics: the wacky "original" christian faith, draped in ceremony and liturgy and a sort of second-tier polytheism involving the invokation of saints. known for producing theistic intellectuals and for being steeped in arcana. also known for their dirty nasty popes, long-winded essays and epistles, and boy-loving priesthood. their flock tend to feel intense guilt once a week.

They aren't the originals though.  The originals were a group of Jews and gentiles that actually lived by what Christ taught.

[Hitler Stole My Potato]

Catholic- do whatever the fuck you want to and try to die next to a priest to recieve the act of contrition.  Heaven here I come!

[Propagandhim]

Never baptised. 

My parents were dirty hippies and didn't want to indoctrinate their kids, which is pretty awesome.  Then the 80's happened and I think they felt guilty about their hippieness and we went to a Unitarian church occasionally.  But in the end, our family was too lax for the rigid standards and practices of the Unitarian church.

Enjoy the river of fire, heathen.

[Van Cruncheon]

catholics: the wacky "original" christian faith, draped in ceremony and liturgy and a sort of second-tier polytheism involving the invokation of saints. known for producing theistic intellectuals and for being steeped in arcana. also known for their dirty nasty popes, long-winded essays and epistles, and boy-loving priesthood. their flock tend to feel intense guilt once a week.

They aren't the originals though.  The originals were a group of Jews and gentiles that actually lived by what Christ taught.

yeah, that's why i put "original" in quotes -- i was remarking on how catholics like to trumpet themselves as the og faith.

[Tauntaun]

catholics: the wacky "original" christian faith, draped in ceremony and liturgy and a sort of second-tier polytheism involving the invokation of saints. known for producing theistic intellectuals and for being steeped in arcana. also known for their dirty nasty popes, long-winded essays and epistles, and boy-loving priesthood. their flock tend to feel intense guilt once a week.

They aren't the originals though.  The originals were a group of Jews and gentiles that actually lived by what Christ taught.

yeah, that's why i put "original" in quotes -- i was remarking on how catholics like to trumpet themselves as the og faith.

Right on nukka. 

Prole, throwin curve balls, tauntaun chases and gets hit in the head but is still happy because he got hit in the head by balls. 

[Eric P]

catholics drink blood and eat flesh once a week.

catholics, the anti-vegan

[Van Cruncheon]

on the other hand, if i ever get possessed by a demon, i think i'd want a catholic on my side!

[Eel O'Brian]

the only time i ever step inside a church is when someone is either getting married or buried

[Van Cruncheon]

same

or when i am visiting the in-laws and they say to my wife WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH and then they pause and stare at her and then she stares at me and next thing you know i am in a button-down shirt and khakis sitting in a pew for three hours listening to how i must persevere in my faith amidst the trials put forth by heathens and how things will be okay if i do and SNOOOOOOOORE and man i wish i was back at the ranch playing strategy games on my laptop and ignoring everyone

[Akala]

One thing I love about the Catholics is the carnival tradition.

"We are going to abstain for three weeks, so let's sin all we can for the three weeks before!"

[Tristam]

The Lutherans don't hate the Catholics nearly as much as the Baptists. Many Baptists regard Catholicism as Satanic and the Pope as the Anti-Christ.

Prole: Maybe you're being facetious, but you'd be surprised at how strong Calvinism is. Calvinist thought, at least, is very popular among seminaries and the few philosophy majors who are fanatically religious. There was an incredibly bright kid in my modal logic class who fancied himself as a Christian theologian and was devoutly Calvinist and convinced in the truth of natural law. But like Augustine and Aquinas and other Christian theologians before him, his intellect did not--unfortunately--preclude lunacy.

[Brehvolution]

Christianity at least has done something no other religion can boast of:

It's own brand of METAL.

Band's like Stryper, Deliverance, and Creed .

You can rock out without offending the asshole in your congregation.

[Tristam]

Be ashamed of, you mean.

[Brehvolution]

[Dickie Dee]

One thing I love about the Catholics is the carnival tradition.

"We are going to abstain for three weeks, so let's sin all we can for the three weeks before!"

Catholics have been around long enough that we've got our hypocrisy down pat. Shits been going on so long that cognitive dissonance isn't even dissonance anymore.

[Tauntaun]

Be ashamed of, you mean.

I saw Stryper a couple years back they were suuuuper tight live and Michael Sweets' (I think that's his name) vocals were killer.    I had never listened to them before that but was a great show.

[Van Cruncheon]

from the very depth of my SHAME-ber: i went to a jars of clay concert. it was my date's fault! she was a cute christian lass, and i was MAD DOG HORNY.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

i got none :'(

[close]

[Oblivion]

catholics: known for producing theistic intellectuals and for being steeped in arcana. their flock tend to feel intense guilt once a week.

protestants: the uptight asses that split off from catholicism when they felt that the catholics cared more about pomp and ceremony and politics and the trappings of religion than the good old-fashioned fealty towards that christ dude. known for being archly condemnatory of those who fail to live up to their contrived standards, and also for lacking the holy legal loopholes that let catholics get out of being hypocrites. their flock tend to be simple, dogmatic, and disgusted with you and your sinful ways.

Huh. I thought it was the reverse? That Catholics were the more strict types.

[Van Cruncheon]

not in america!

[duckman2000]

Being a European atheist married into a primitive baptist family with deep southern roots is something else. Yikes.

[Eric P]

not in america!

they're out there though.  i once overheard a rather amazing conversation about how this rich young couple was being forced to censor themselves by the liberal catholic cartel in control of george town university in order to receive good grades.

[Van Cruncheon]

if i hafta hear another one of my evangelical acquaintances say "for every door that closes, god opens another one" ONE MORE TIME i am gonna, well, i'm gonna, i'm gonna HUFF INTO THIS PAPER BAG LIKE A MOFO

[ToxicAdam]

I hope this shit hits Itunes....

[duckman2000]

if i hafta hear another one of my evangelical acquaintances say "for every door that closes, god opens another one" ONE MORE TIME i am gonna, well, i'm gonna, i'm gonna HUFF INTO THIS PAPER BAG LIKE A MOFO

I've noticed that it's mighty popular among Christians to say shit like "what's a little hardship when you're blessed with life?" It didn't really annoy me until I started hearing it before and after my skull base surgery.  Made me feel like cutting off their lips and throw the damned lines right back at them. 

Really, I don't mind Christians as long as they understand that their whole "well, better luck in the afterlife" worldview means all of jack and shit to anyone who doesn't believe in that shit. The angry elitist atheist that they loathe so much is a creature of their own damned creation.

[Tauntaun]

from the very depth of my SHAME-ber: i went to a jars of clay concert. it was my date's fault! she was a cute christian lass, and i was MAD DOG HORNY.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

i got none :'(

[close]

So you won't feel ashamed, I listen to them on a regular basis.  They're great folk music. 

[Eric P]

But like Augustine and Aquinas and other Christian theologians before him, his intellect did not--unfortunately--preclude lunacy.

Aquinas was a lunatic now?

oh my yes.

[Eric P]

not lunatic, i think eccentric would be more accurate from my understanding, unless i'm thinking of someone else.  Let me consult something when i get home.

the only thing of his i've read was Summa Theologica

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Summa_Theologica