Retail Customer Profiles #683: The Pathological Liar

[muckhole]

This past week at the mom & pop game store where I help out in the winters, I was treated to a four hour visit from the 22 year old dude who works at the coffee shop across the way. During this visit, I learned:

-He once ran a biker gang.

-He knows someone in the government that can find you anywhere and have you "disappeared".

-He invented "The Clapper"

-His son is so good at fighting games, he can beat people at them "using his ass. He just sits on the controller and moves his ass around. It's AMAZING!"

-Aside from washing dishes at the coffee shop, this 98 pounds of bad dude is part of some green beret-esque squad, and is being sent back "into the shit overseas this summer. The things I've seen and done there, man....".


Wow. I bet all you jealous bastards wish you could meet cool dudes like that at your work. I'm so lucky. Lucky, lucky.

[WrikaWrek]

Just a couple of bells and whistles.

[Eric P]

i met a guy who, i swear to god, just needed a dollar to get a cup of coffee.

these poor bankers.

 

[muckhole]

Just a couple of bells and whistles.

Four hours. On the button. I don't think he stopped talking once to take a breath at any point either.

[brawndolicious]

was he like, a paying customer? that sort of sounds like a description of a homeless dude.

[muckhole]

was he like, a paying customer? that sort of sounds like a description of a homeless dude.

Oh yeah. He doesn't spend a ton, but he's a regular apparently that I've somehow managed to miss on all my shifts so far. Fairly well-dressed to boot.

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

Sounds like a typical 22 year old to me

[muckhole]

Sounds like a typical 22 year old to me

Perhaps. I just found it hard to keep a straight face while he earnestly told me the tale of him inventing "The Clapper" and it's subsequent theft.

[Madrun Badrun]

Once he said it you should have said "You invented the clap?"

[muckhole]

Once he said it you should have said "You invented the clap?"

I tried responding as little as possible in hopes he's get bored and leave. I'll know better next time.

[T234]

ACTS OF GORD ACTS OF GORD

YOU'RE EVEN CANADIAN

[muckhole]

ACTS OF GORD ACTS OF GORD

YOU'RE EVEN CANADIAN

Oh wow. I just Googled this. Bookmarked!

[lordmaji]

FA and I worked w/ a guy like that.

This is amazing! He told us that "he had Hussein in his crosshairs back in Desert Storm"

Amazing huh? He was also a member of the Delta Force...

smh 

[Phoenix Dark]

FA and I worked w/ a guy like that.

This is amazing! He told us that "he had Hussein in his crosshairs back in Desert Storm"

Amazing huh? He was also a member of the Delta Force...

smh 

Seems like a perfectly logical thing to assert. It's also statistacally likely that he had some Mohameds and Alis in the crosshairs as well 

[Bildi]

Make sure to get a pic with him next time dude.

[muckhole]

Make sure to get a pic with him next time dude.

I don't know, I don't want him having me "disappeared" in my sleep.

[lordmaji]

Make sure to get a pic with him next time dude.

I don't know, I don't want him having me "disappeared" in my sleep.

 

Tell him that you have important information for him, and you were sent to monitor him for sometime. Until now. Then tell him you were sent to tell him, he should be expecting someone soon to approach him with info & that you have no further information, your mission is complete by telling him to expect someone.

see if he acts funny.

[Mr. Gundam]

Psh. Bjork's customer stories are better.

[muckhole]

Psh. Bjork's customer stories are better.

I won't argue that.

[xnikki118x]

-His son is so good at fighting games, he can beat people at them "using his ass. He just sits on the controller and moves his ass around. It's AMAZING!"

Why has no one made a joke about this yet? EB, I'm disappointed! WHERE IS THE SUBTEXT?!

[Mr. Gundam]

Psh. Bjork's customer stories are better.

I won't argue that.

It was a good story.

I just miss Bjork.

[duckman2000]

I met this dude once who seemed perfectly normal until the moment he leaned over and told me that if I ever turned on him, I had better watch my step as he owned a clan of samurais that followed him in the shadows and were ready to strike against his enemies at a moment's notice.

Which is still less fucked up than my childhood acquaintance who, by the age of 17, alleged to own Ford and GM, and who had secretly worked as a producer on an unknown Guns N Roses album. The sad thing is that this was a progression of a life of lies, starting with him bragging about having once jumped from a swing, across the river and land on his moped which he then proceeded to kick into the secret 8th gear, which of course allowed for speeds upwards of 200km/h.

Everyone lies a little (or big) bit, but god damn.

[WrikaWrek]

Never met liars that big.

Sure, you always meet that dude that lies through his teeth, and never seems to shut the fuck up, but damn.

[BlackMage]

I met this dude once who seemed perfectly normal until the moment he leaned over and told me that if I ever turned on him, I had better watch my step as he owned a clan of samurais that followed him in the shadows and were ready to strike against his enemies at a moment's notice.

Which is still less fucked up than my childhood acquaintance who, by the age of 17, alleged to own Ford and GM, and who had secretly worked as a producer on an unknown Guns N Roses album. The sad thing is that this was a progression of a life of lies, starting with him bragging about having once jumped from a swing, across the river and land on his moped which he then proceeded to kick into the secret 8th gear, which of course allowed for speeds upwards of 200km/h.

Everyone lies a little (or big) bit, but god damn.

that was me and it's all true.

[muckhole]

I met this dude once who seemed perfectly normal until the moment he leaned over and told me that if I ever turned on him, I had better watch my step as he owned a clan of samurais that followed him in the shadows and were ready to strike against his enemies at a moment's notice.

Which is still less fucked up than my childhood acquaintance who, by the age of 17, alleged to own Ford and GM, and who had secretly worked as a producer on an unknown Guns N Roses album. The sad thing is that this was a progression of a life of lies, starting with him bragging about having once jumped from a swing, across the river and land on his moped which he then proceeded to kick into the secret 8th gear, which of course allowed for speeds upwards of 200km/h.

Everyone lies a little (or big) bit, but god damn.

That's amazing.

I just miss Bjork.

Me too. :'(

[Human Snorenado]

When I was working at GS I met some characters.  One dude was trying to convince us that he was in the Guinness book for the highest Donkey Kong score ever, and that he had "whipped that DK creator dude's ass at the game back in the 80's".

I think my favorite insane customer ever, though, was this short fat dude who kept wanting to talk about all of his autographed college football memorabilia and how valuable it was.  One day he brought up some jersey from the Orange Bowl game one year and was showing it off like it was his first born or something.  Fucking weirdo.

[Bildi]

Make sure to get a pic with him next time dude.

I don't know, I don't want him having me "disappeared" in my sleep.

It might be interesting to observe his reactions if you "accidentally" snapping a picture of him.  If there's any shifty business, you'll just have to snap him like the twig he is.

[brawndolicious]

A few years ago, my friends and I spent all night staying up in Sacramento and in the early morning some homeless dude comes up to us.  He just started talking about politics and how he could get bin laden if he was in the Afghan mountains with only a .45 and that the niccas out in the hoods were total pussies and that they couldn't land a shot on him.  Then he actually started to flex.  The weirdest homeless person I've ever met.

[Robo]

Weirdest homeless person I've ever met tried to punch me in the face and threatened to piss in my mouth.

[Human Snorenado]

Weirdest homeless person I've ever met tried to punch me in the face and threatened to piss in my mouth.

Eh, a homeless person dropped his pants while standing next to me on a train platform in Atlanta and proceeded to take a crap right there.

[BlackMage]

one time a homeless person had the gall to look at me. I took out his eyes. now he's homeless and blind.

[Van Cruncheon]

Weirdest homeless person I've ever met tried to punch me in the face and threatened to piss in my mouth.

Eh, a homeless person dropped his pants while standing next to me on a train platform in Atlanta and proceeded to take a crap right there.

yeah, i saw a hobo in belltown seattle start cackling, drop his trou, and unload a drippin' deuce...

spoiler (click to show/hide)

...straight into the aforementioned trou. :'( it helps to crouch, duder.

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