So yeah, I need some guidance in a big way. I know about the shoryuken forums, but I haven't been able to glean much because of all the fucking impenetrable genre vernacular.
Stick to the character discussion forums, and check the stickied threads within them on each character's basics and match-up discussions. That's a good place to start.
Random questions:
-Stick or pad?
It depends on what you are more comfortable with using. Everyone has their own preferences and reasons for using one or the other, or both.
-Any characters that are easier to start with? I like the way E. Honda plays from what footage I've seen
I always say to just try out everyone and get a feel for how they play. Find who you like, narrow it down to a main, and go from there. Ryu is always a good choice for learning the basics for a FB/DP character, and Guile is a good start for charge characters, but don't think that you have to start with anyone in particular. If you like Honda, use him! He's definitely a good character and pretty easy to learn, IMO, but as a Street Fighter n00b, you may have some trouble initially dealing with long range battles and getting in close, since Honda lacks a projectile.
-Probably hard to gauge, but how long do you think I'll be routinely getting my ass beat before I stop sucking so hard?
A while. You said you are very green, so you shouldn't just expect to hop in and start kicking ass. It's going to take you a while, and you should just take it slowly. Go one step at a time. First things first, you need to find your character and learn his/her basics, plus strengths and weaknesses. Play with people who are willing to give you some advice. Playing against random strangers who either kick your ass and leave or are worse than you and rage quit isn't going to help you much when you are starting out.
Play against human opponents. The CPU sucks and isn't going to be much of a help in learning the the real way match-ups work. Some characters are going to give you a LOT of trouble, but don't get discouraged. I play this game like fucking crazy and still have trouble in some match-ups. There's always going to be someone better than you.