OI AND G'DAY GOOD PATRON, SAXTON HALE HERE TO INFORM YOU OF MY DAILY SCHEDULE.
6:00AM: WAKE UP FROM ANCIENT ABORIGINAL SLEEPING POSITION DESIGNED FOR INSTANT RETALIATION AGAINST ANY WOULD-BE ASSASSINS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOUR SOMNOLENT PERSON. LOCATE AND DISPOSE OF THE BODIES OF SAID ASSASSINS.
6:10AM: LEAVE CLIFFSIDE HOME IN SEARCH OF BREAKFAST.
8:45AM: REACH PACIFIC OCEAN, HOPE THAT TRAIL OF BLOOD AND TORMENT WARDS OFF ALL BEASTS AND MAN FOOLISH ENOUGH TO CHALLENGE ME. COVERED IN THE BLOOD AND OFFAL OF SLAIN FOES, LEAP INTO THE BOSOM OF MOTHER SEA.
8:50AM: RETURN WITH THE CORPSES OF ONE (1) GREAT WHITE SHARK AND ANY CONSERVATION WORKERS WHO, LIKE A YOUNG PUP WHO VENTURES INTO A PREDATOR'S LAIR, WERE KILLED BY THEIR LACK OF FEAR. THESE ARE NOW RARE, AS THE CROWN AND I HAVE AN UNSPOKEN AGREEMENT THAT ANY CITIZENS WHO ENTER MY TERRITORY ARE ABANDONED BY THEIR GOVERNMENT.
9:10AM: FINISH EATING SHARK AND BEGIN TREK HOME.
11:00AM: ARRIVE AT HOME ON THRONE OF BONES CARRIED BY DINGOES TAMED DURING WALK. ANY MEN FOUND ARE PUT TO WORK IN MANN CO. FACTORIUM. BEGIN OVERSEEING BUSINESS AFFAIRS.
11:05AM: BORED OF BUSINESS AFFAIRS, THROW PAPERS INTO CORNER. RELIEVE BOWELS AND BLADDER ONTO PAPERS.
11:30AM: FINISHED WITH BOWEL AND BLADDER EVACUATION.
11:45AM: PERFORM ANCIENT TASMANIAN BLOOD RITE TO ENSURE GOOD FORTUNE AND FERTILITY. PURPOSEFULLY INCORRECTLY PERFORM FINAL STEP TO ONCE MORE TAUNT THE SPIRITS OF THE DREAM WORLD, WHO ARE LITTLE GIRLS AFRAID OF THEIR OWN SHADOWS.
12:00PM: CRAVING TOBACCO, I BELLOW A CRY TO THE NEAREST URBAN AREA 500KM AWAY, WHICH IMMEDIATELY EVACUATES IN RESPONSE. I LEAP INTO THE AIR AND MASSAGE CHEST HAIR.
12:05PM: LAND IN TOWN, FINISH CHEWING THE FLOCK OF BIRDS EATEN AS LUNCH. ACQUIRE TOBACCO.
12:10PM: TENS OF THOUSANDS OF BODIES OF ANCIENT PEOPLES, ANGERED AT THE CONSTANT DESECRATION OF THEIR LAND BY A RACE OF PIE-FACED DOUGHY PALE CRIMINALS, RISE FROM THE EARTH TO CLEANSE THEIR SPIRITS.
12:15PM: SPEND NEXT 5 HOURS REMINDING FOUL GHOULS THAT SAXTON HALE BELONGS TO NO RACE BUT IS THE EMBODIMENT OF THE CHAOS-SEA BEFORE TIME.
4:15PM: ENTER SLUMBER ATOP MOUNTAIN OF UNDEAD, ADDING MORE SOULS TO MY ALREADY MASSIVE COLLECTION. I NOW POSSESS THE STRENGTH OF 10,000 MEN AND 5,000 'ROOS.
4:20PM: INHALE SHARPLY AS PARTICULATES OF ALL CANNABIS IN WORLD IS DRAWN INTO MY MOUTH AND SET AFLAME ON MY TEETH WHICH ARE LIKE FLINT DAGGERS. REALIZE THAT THERE IS NOT ENOUGH IN WORLD TO CONQUER IN A 24-HOUR DAY.
◄╕ß░HALE TIME: WARP FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE SO THAT I AM INSTANTLY ASLEEP AGAIN AT 6:00PM THAT NIGHT, AS THE KNOWLEDGE OF MY BEING AMBULATORY WHEN THE SUN IS NOT IN THE SKY WOULD INSTANTANEOUSLY CAUSE ALL CREATION TO PERISH IN TERROR.
