I fucking dare you to take all the shit youve said in this thread in a print out and read it to your grandma.
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'I want to bite you, Heffa. I want to bite you very hard. I'll be gentle, I promise. If you really loved me, you'd let me.' Heffa Lump is just a typical, pale and interesting seventeen-year-old, who doubts that anyone will ever see her true beauty. But then she moves to Spatula and meets Teddy Kelledy, an impossibly gorgeous boy who eats rare meat, is super-strong and never goes out in sunlight. Could he, just maybe - be a vampire? (Hint: totally.) A tale of first love, painful longing and even more painful pointy teeth, "New Moan" is a hilarious parody of the phenomenon that is Stephenie Meyer's Twilight saga.
Normally, my sister would be into this crap, but she saw it today and hated it. Said the acting is terrible.spoiler (click to show/hide)Then again, she did see Spaceballs a few thousand times and can recite the whole thing from memory, and she liked Dude Where's My Car?[close]
Quote from: ferrarimanf355 on November 25, 2009, 07:00:55 PMNormally, my sister would be into this crap, but she saw it today and hated it. Said the acting is terrible.spoiler (click to show/hide)Then again, she did see Spaceballs a few thousand times and can recite the whole thing from memory, and she liked Dude Where's My Car?[close]she says that, but i guarantee her clit was redder than hamburger by the time the credits rolled
Quote from: ferrarimanf355 on November 25, 2009, 07:00:55 PMNormally, my sister would be into this crap, but she saw it today and hated it. Said the acting is terrible.spoiler (click to show/hide)Then again, she did see Spaceballs a few thousand times and can recite the whole thing from memory, and she liked Dude Where's My Car?[close]Just what the fuck is wrong with Spaceballs?
Quote from: Rob Thomas on November 25, 2009, 03:02:28 PMOh yes, let's do. Can we badmouth my hetero male friend who genuinely likes the books??I have one too, I think he was drunk when he told me he liked them.[/quoteMine was very sober. I don't know which is worse :'(
Oh yes, let's do. Can we badmouth my hetero male friend who genuinely likes the books??
I can picture it already.Gay vampire fall during the scene where he is jumping on trees.Gay vampire fall during the scene where he is showing off his powers to carmen electra.Gay vampire get hit in the groin by a baseball...ball.Gay vampires break dance.
With New Moon likely to make yet another metric fuckload of money this weekend we need to find the bright side to the entire Twilight mania. There must be something good that comes from this awful Mormon fantasy that seems to have invaded our culture on every front. That something is the eventual movie version of Breaking Dawn.Even though New Moon has made a bazillion dollars and even though the third Twilight book, Eclipse, is already filming, Summit has declined to announce the fourth and final Twilight book as a movie. There's a good reason for this: Breaking Dawn is completely fucking insane, and it is probably totally unfilmable. But if they do film it... man, we are in for a treat.Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised.Let's go over that again: Edward fucks Bella into unconsciousness. This alone should have you running to Fandango to pre-order your tickets, but it only gets better.Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up. Yes, an undead vampire apparently has enough viable sperm to impregnate a human woman while fucking her off the coast of Rio de Janero. Stephenie Meyer, you fabulous idiot!The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh.Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this shitty series), and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I'm dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we're just getting started.Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it's in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. Like Alia in Dune; I would accuse Stephenie Meyer of ripping this off, but anyone who thinks that Meyer might have read Frank Herbert has never been within spitting distance of Twilight. The woman is a moron. In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. It's like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It's so horrible it's brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she's about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman's terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn't want to fuck the baby right off the bat, he can't stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he'll love her forever. So one day he's going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn. Romance is not dead, it's just being abused by insane Mormon writers.There's more in Breaking Dawn - the Volturi come back, for one thing - but these are the main amazing events that demand this book to be turned into a film. I will not rest until I have seen a movie in which a werewolf falls in love with a baby. Hell, once I've seen a werewolf fall in love with a baby I may quit movie watching - I will have seen the ultimate culmination of a century of cinema. The entire film of Breaking Dawn would play like the weirdest exploitation film since Doris Wishman died - brutal sex, bizarre body horror, unbelievable pedophilia.A werewolf falling in love with a baby. This is why Thomas Edison invented this shit in the first place. So we could see a werewolf fall in love with a baby.
I can't wait for Breaking Dawn!
Probably Summer 2010!
I thought Eclipse came out this holiday season?
I'm confused, never mind.
I kind of thought Space Balls was funny when I was 12, but now I definitely don't. Whenever people bring it up I always have to fake laugh and change the subject.
