an agonizing gamestop moment episode 69: the lovelorn

[Van Cruncheon]

so i was at gamestop on my friday lunch tool-around time with maf and tvc, and was waiting in line for maf to finish trading in several dumpster's worth of ds games and the 360 version of modern warfare 2. standing behind me was this tall and kinda chubby ginger chica with some piercings, and BEHIND her was this pasty and obese 40-ish duder in a ratty windbreaker and a hot topic t-shirt. i swear, he looks EXACTLY like what i imagine gaf to be in 25 years. she was getting okami for the wii and he decided to strike up a conversation with her. (okay, so he gets a couple points for even TALKING to a gurl.)

anyway, she babbled about twilight princess and hayao miyazaki for like five minutes, and it's clear the duder is really warming to her. then she asks the dude where he works.

him: "i work for a local window washing company, i handle their contracts and stuff"

her: "oh, i bet that pays well!"

him: <totally lights up> "yeah, i do alright"

her: "i'm not doing much right now myself. but i'm glad i have the time off for final fantasy 13 TEE HEE"

him: <getting closer> "what's final fantasy like? is it good?"

her: <now getting a bit uncomfortable> "oh, uh, yeah, i love it."

him: "well, if you're bored, maybe we could hang out and you could show me or something"

her: "oh, i'm getting a call!"

her: <no joke here> <fakes a conversation with a supposed boyfriend. it is SO totally painfully obvious that she isn't talking to anyone on the other end. i am groaning inside, waiting for larry david to appear.>

him: <deflated> "uh, oh, you seein' someone i guess"

her: <fake chirpy> "yeah, we just started dating!"

me: <barely stifling a painful laugh> (you bint, you just said 'oh i love you so much' as you closed out your fake call)

him: "oh, well, good for you! it's probably nice. it's so hard to meet girls these days"

her: <fake perky helpfulness> "yeah, everyone seems to have a date these days!"

him: "everyone but me..."

it was like the worst of the gaf dating thread in the span of ten minutes. between the contrived brush-off and the sad nerd neediness, i was in HELL'S OWN ROMANTIC TABLEAU. all i could do was make jokes about dante's inferno to the clerk, because it was clear from the horrified look in his eyes that he'd seen/heard the pathetic scene himself. i pray to god i never witness a nerd malek up his chances again.

[Groogrux]

Ouch.

Creepy customer... is creepy. 

[Ichirou]

Yeah, I got shot down pretty bad.

[Van Cruncheon]

really, the "everyone but me..." just OOZED melodramatic dork hopelessness. you could almost feel his now-detached potential codependency flailing around like the syrupy tentacle of a hentai monster.

[Ichirou]

I bet he smelled like rank cottage cheese.

[Van Cruncheon]

ichi: i'm neither a daddy mack nor a mack daddy, but this guy was missing all the (lack of) signals. it was clear from second fucking one that she was just a gabby geek girl looking to assuage her boredom, and he moved in with the speed of pure desperation. i mean, again, i give the guy props for putting his game out there, but DAMN. going into straight-up begging for pity is a jack move, though, and one that really ensures that the man police suspend his license to play.

[Ichirou]

I imagine he's set on the idea that if you hit on every single fucking girl that's willing to talk to you, you're eventually bound to hit paydirt.

[Van Cruncheon]

hey, i kinda worked on that principle, myself, but i quickly learned to spot the signs and calibrate my expectations! that said, you NEVER, EVER play the pity-me card. EVER. you look her in the eye, you smile, you laugh it off, you say "fuck that uppity bitch, i can do better" in your head, you move on, you spend the evening balls fucking drunk and/or masturbating.

[AdmiralViscen]

trading in modern warfare 2

[The Fake Shemp]

Thank god for Amazon!

[Akala]

The real question is~ what was he buying?

I've seen people use hopeless woe is me attempts at connecting with people, but have never understood it. Why the fuck would I ever talk to you again if you're like this within 5 minutes of meeting me?

[Joe Molotov]

You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is "never try".

[Ichirou]

There's a feeling that if your parents are nice to you when you're pitiful, then everybody else must be too.

That's what I assume, anyway.  I imagine people who pull the "I'm so pathetic, don't you feel sorry for me?" card don't really do much socializing in the real world.

[Van Cruncheon]

akala: i think he was bringing something back? he had a safeway bag, but it's clear he didn't know much about games.

[CajoleJuice]

You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is "never try".

I took this lesson way too much to heart as a kid.

[Eel O'Brian]

the sliding F scale of approaching a woman and getting shot down

Friendly, Funny, Fearless, Fuck You

[Ichirou]

The ginger chica was excited about Final Fantasy 13.  Dumb broad wasn't worth the fucking embarrassment.

[The Fake Shemp]

I saw a lot of this stuff when I managed GameStop's, mainly because I made it a rule to hire one or two cute chicks (good for business, sorry). That includes the stereotypical Asian broad with a Pokemon fetish.

Nerd dudes would fumble over themselves trying to hit on them. To maximize sales, I'd usually stack them together on the schedule on a weekend. It was awesome when I had this busty, cute employee that was a keyholder - I'd leave her with a "punk" chick and the stereotypical Asian chick, and comp would be great.

Sometimes I felt kind of bad leaving them alone to hawk used games to sweaty nerd dudes.

But then I got my bonus check.

[Arbys Roast Beef Sandwich]

pretty much fake, we'll need MAF and TVC to post here and corroborate this story.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

[close]

[Van Cruncheon]

The ginger chica was excited about Final Fantasy 13.  Dumb broad wasn't worth the fucking embarrassment.

seriously, that was the other thought going through my head.

[Van Cruncheon]

pretty much fake, we'll need MAF and TVC to post here and corroborate this story.

spoiler (click to show/hide)

[close]

tvc can corroborate! maf was busy getting $4834830294812 dollars in trade-in credit, although he was the one who told me to post the story.

[The Fake Shemp]

Eh, I believe it. I have seen worse.

I had to call the police - twice - when it came to nerd dudes with no social skills obsessing over female employees. This seems tame in comparison. You won't believe some of the people that walk into a GameStop.

[Ichirou]

Willco's personal Gamestop harem.

It's like he was living Himuro's Love Hina dreams!

[Van Cruncheon]

He Is My Manager

[The Fake Shemp]

When I was in California, all of my keyholders were female (three) and three of my part-timers were also female. I fired the ugly* keyholder.

* Ugly by nerd dude standards. One of the keyholders was pretty unattractive in my opinion, but nerd dudes would still hit on her. Shrug.

Everyone there asked how my store became so successful so quickly. There's the answer: hire chicks.

[Akala]

unrelated, but the last time I was at gamestop, there was a guy who I'm guessing was around my age...albeit greasier and a bit larger. he was wearing one of those 'three wolves' shirts in what had to be premeditated/ironic, but he just couldn't pull it off. it just looked like he actually liked it.

at least that's what I tell myself. it made me kind of feel bad for the guy.  

[Ichirou]

spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Feder-sama, are you sure that corporate said these were the new uniforms and if we didn't wear them we'd be fired? Uguuu~ so embarrassing~"

[close]

[The Fake Shemp]

Also, Prole, did this forty-something windbreaker guy look disabled in any way? I have identified the fat forty-something guy that lives on disability as a subset of GameStop clientele.

[Van Cruncheon]

nah, he was fully perambulatory. he said he worked as an office manager or some shit for a window washing company.

[Arbys Roast Beef Sandwich]

Everyone there asked how my store became so successful so quickly. There's the answer: hire chicks.

(1) where exactly was this if you don't mind saying; (2) also does this particular branch still follow the same set of practices you set?

[Ichirou]

"He handles their contracts and stuff"  sounds better than he uses a squeegee and a sponge to clean bird-shit off windows.

[Van Cruncheon]

willco: you ever get your cock sucked for a gameboy color game?

[The Fake Shemp]

I used to run stores in Hayward and Union City in California, although almost all the female employees have dispersed elsewhere via promotions and transfers. A few still call me from time to time.

On the East Coast, as soon as I was fired, the new manager phased out the existing staff and hired a bunch of sweaty dudes and the place became a sausagefest. The store is not as busy.

When I worked at Hollywood Video, I had three female employees, including one that was a total hottie. We're talking ridiculously hot. I single-handedly saved that store, and we did the best numbers in the district. After I transferred to another location, they all left because of disputes with the new manager.

Four months after that, the store closed.

[Eel O'Brian]

i have never hit on anyone standing in line inside a store, but if their ass happens to graze my outstretched fingers two or three times well hey maybe they should watch where they're going

[The Fake Shemp]

willco: you ever get your cock sucked for a gameboy color game?

No, but I parlayed under-the-table Wii reservations for female customers into dates. When the Wii was at fever pitch, a few women offered me their daughters and stuff. It was ridiculous.

[Van Cruncheon]

i have never hit on anyone standing in line inside a store, but if their ass happens to graze my outstretched fingers two or three times well hey maybe they should watch where they're going

i once turned too quickly in line at fred meyer and put my palm right into a short but smokin' and stacked milf's ubertetas

[Van Cruncheon]

willco: you ever get your cock sucked for a gameboy color game?

No, but I parlayed under-the-table Wii reservations for female customers into dates. When the Wii was at fever pitch, a few women offered me their daughters and stuff. It was ridiculous.

no STOPPIN yer GAME at GAMESTOP, am i rite

[The Fake Shemp]

Actually, it was an EB Games, sir.

[Van Cruncheon]

i thought they phased those out in 1970

[Ichirou]

Back in PR, we still have a Babbage's.  FUCKING OLD SCHOOL.

[The Fake Shemp]

Depends on the location. Sometimes there will be two stores in the same mall or within walking distance from one another, so the company will trick consumers into thinking they are separate stores with the different names. There was still a Babbage's in California before I left (because a GameStop was in the same mall).

GameStop was pretty fun. Management used to be able to have a ball, and the Vegas conference was basically an orgy. One of the nearby district managers was married to our Sony rep, and she banged a bunch of other store managers at Vegas. Got pregnant. And her husband - the Sony rep - had the guy who got his wife pregnant on his route.

[Eel O'Brian]

i went to see batman returns with some friends and sat next to another friend's sister whom i was barely acquainted with

when the movie was over she turned to talk to me as we were walking out, and when she turned back around the line shuffling out had short-stopped

i was still pretty close, she was wearing a miniskirt, and my swinging hand went right smack dab in her ass crack

i was mortified and stimulated at the same time

[Ichirou]

How many bitches did you fuck, Willco?  Be honest now.  How much pussy did you get out of your Gamestop exxxperience?

[The Fake Shemp]

What was her reaction, Eel?

[The Fake Shemp]

How many bitches did you fuck, Willco?  Be honest now.  How much pussy did you get out of your Gamestop exxxperience?

Not many! Just because I got a few dates from the experience didn't mean it necessarily resulted in sex. I'm a gentleman, sir!

Honestly, I spent more time trying not to get in trouble than anything.

[Ichirou]

Eel should've taken his hand and smelled it right in front of her.

[The Fake Shemp]

[Eel O'Brian]

she stiffened (as did i) and then kept walking without turning back around

i am sure her boyfriend heard all about her brother's skeevy friend in the car, though

[Ichirou]

...and five years later, you two were married.

[cool breeze]

Stop-n-Save Software > EB Game World > Electronic Boutique > EB Games > Funcoland > Gamestop > EBX

I can't remember if EBX was the same as EB Kids, or if there even was an EB Kids.  They had only learning and kids games.

[Van Cruncheon]

be honest, willco. you spackled the stockroom with punani juice.

[Flannel Boy]

i pray to god i never witness a nerd malek up his chances again.

I don't think I like that that phrase.

[Eel O'Brian]

what is up with middle-aged women wanting to work in game stores, btw

i have seen a good half-dozen forty-something women behind the counters of the various game stores around here over the years

[Van Cruncheon]

i coined it just for you! i thought about "father mike'd up" but i realized that you actually TALK to girls

[Flannel Boy]

i coined it just for you! i thought about "father mike'd up" but i realized that you actually TALK to girls

I don't think my shrink and mother count.

[Van Cruncheon]

okay, allow me to amend that: you have been in the presence of girls

[The Fake Shemp]

I never, ever did anything in the backroom. Not only was it relatively small and uncomfortable, I refused to shit where I eat. I won't lie and say I was never tempted - but I learned my lesson back when I was a teenager.

I did, however, train under a Store Manager that did bang a female employee in the stockroom. He'd wait until he shut the tape off after close (and before he'd put in a new one), so he wouldn't get caught.

[Eel O'Brian]

one of my irl facebook friends works at gamestop and does nothing but bitch about it in her updates

i am always wanting to ask if she'd like to trade jobs with me and paint behind the toilets of uncleaned apartment move-outs for a week or so

[The Fake Shemp]

To be fair, I think it's tough for the female employees. Sure, if they like games, they can rent product and get a discount - but it's not like they get paid a lot, especially to be whored out being money-grubbing Jew managers that care more about their bonus check than the employee's well being.

[Ichirou]

Working in retail is one of the worst jobs you can have, Eel.