Author Topic: "I care more about this laptop than your life, don't touch it." -me (Read 7821 times)

T234 · « **on:** July 12, 2010, 09:17:08 AM »

And then she called her equally-distinguished mentally-challenged-would-be-shoplifter husband over to the counter and asked me to repeat what I said. I told the husband to "Take the fuckin DVD out of your pocket and get the fuck outta here or get yer fuckin ass beat by both me and the cops."

His response? "Try me."

Biggest fucking mistake he ever made. The wife tried to punch me and got knocked slap the fuck out with a three-foot long dildo for her trouble.

Don't try to steal the RoG, bitches.

Ichirou · « **Reply #1 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:19:30 AM »

Did you end up calling the cops or what?

T234 · « **Reply #2 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:21:29 AM »

After the husband got up from being choked out, he woke the wife up and they left without further incident.

Ichirou · « **Reply #3 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:22:10 AM »

They're coming back with a fucking shotgun. Watch out.

T234 · « **Reply #4 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:27:09 AM »

After me choking him out while beating the bejeezus out of him with a Ruger Super Redhawk 44. Mag, I don't think we'll be seeing much outta him out at the porn shop.

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #5 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:32:25 AM »

Kentucky

T234 · « **Reply #6 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:37:38 AM »

I swung a three-foot-long 17-pound dildo like a baseball bat at this bitch's face. Caught her right in the chin. She was OUT.

Ichirou · « **Reply #7 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:46:04 AM »

The dildo was like your fucking lightsaber, man.

Brehvolution · « **Reply #8 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:53:55 AM »

17 pound dildo?

Way to protect the house, mayne.

T234 · « **Reply #9 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:01:08 AM »

Quote from: Kosma on July 12, 2010, 09:57:02 AM

I hope there is video footage of this!

There isn't, because I made sure that I beat them up off camera.

Beezy · « **Reply #10 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:53:09 AM »

Quote from: T234 on July 12, 2010, 09:37:38 AM

I swung a three-foot-long 17-pound dildo like a baseball bat at this bitch's face. Caught her right in the chin. She was OUT.

Smooth Groove · « **Reply #11 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:58:00 AM »

17lbs seems pretty heavy for a dildo. What is it made of?

muckhole · « **Reply #12 on:** July 12, 2010, 12:25:41 PM »

This may be the coolest thing I've ever read. Just the visual of a guy with a gun in one hand and a giant dildo in the other as he metes out justice is going to be seared into my brain for the next while.

Quote from: Smooth Groove on July 12, 2010, 10:58:00 AM

17lbs seems pretty heavy for a dildo. What is it made of?

Dunno, but I'd buy one.

For home defense! Home defense!

Saint Cornelius · « **Reply #13 on:** July 12, 2010, 01:02:19 PM »

I feel like I missed a big part of this story. Was dude trying to steal your laptop?

Also:

using a dildo as a weapon

tehjaybo · « **Reply #14 on:** July 12, 2010, 01:54:21 PM »

Quote from: T234 on July 12, 2010, 09:37:38 AM

I swung a three-foot-long 17-pound dildo like a baseball bat at this bitch's face. Caught her right in the chin. She was OUT.

Jesus christ, can we get a tag change here? This is gold.

Also, if they show up with a shotgun, call my cell and duck behind the counter. Hold them off and we'll kick the shit out of them together.

T234

Madrun Badrun · « **Reply #15 on:** July 12, 2010, 01:58:43 PM »

So awesome.

Tieno · « **Reply #16 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:06:17 PM »

rednecks, smh.

Beezy · « **Reply #17 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:17:55 PM »

Quote from: Tieno on July 12, 2010, 02:06:17 PM

rednecks, smh.

Groogrux · « **Reply #18 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:48:34 PM »

THIS IS BY FAR THE BEST THING I"VE HEARD THIS YEAR!

The Fake Shemp · « **Reply #19 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:51:12 PM »

Holy shit, this is the coolest thing I have ever read. You are a hero, dude.

Saint Cornelius · « **Reply #20 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:55:52 PM »

Quote from: Saint Cornelius on July 12, 2010, 01:02:19 PM

I feel like I missed a big part of this story. Was dude trying to steal your laptop?

T234 · « **Reply #21 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:56:09 PM »

Quote from: Smooth Groove on July 12, 2010, 10:58:00 AM

17lbs seems pretty heavy for a dildo. What is it made of?

That soft rubber stuff that the dildo is made of is quite heavy. After they left, I re-shrinkwrapped it and put it back on the pedestal behind the counter.

Quote from: Saint Cornelius on July 12, 2010, 01:02:19 PM

I feel like I missed a big part of this story. Was dude trying to steal your laptop?

Also: using a dildo as a weapon

No, his wife tried to steal my laptop at the same time as he was putting one of our DVDs in his pocket.

Quote from: tehjaybo on July 12, 2010, 01:54:21 PM

Quote from: T234 on July 12, 2010, 09:37:38 AM
I swung a three-foot-long 17-pound dildo like a baseball bat at this bitch's face. Caught her right in the chin. She was OUT.

Jesus christ, can we get a tag change here? This is gold.

Also, if they show up with a shotgun, call my cell and duck behind the counter. Hold them off and we'll kick the shit out of them together.

T234

If I see either of them in the porn shop again, I'll shoot them in the head on sight.

brawndolicious · « **Reply #22 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:56:39 PM »

If you get shot, he'll go on trial saying that you "sexually assaulted" (I don't know if this counts) his wife with a dildo. Knowing the types of bullshit that juries count as self-defense, he might get off.

Did you call the cops though? At least to give them a description/license plate? I wouldn't be surprised if distinguished mentally-challenged fellows like this have some sort of warrants out on them.

Mupepe · « **Reply #23 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:56:47 PM »

You need to call me more

Saint Cornelius · « **Reply #24 on:** July 12, 2010, 02:58:12 PM »

Quote from: T234 on July 12, 2010, 02:56:09 PM

No, his wife tried to steal my laptop at the same time as he was putting one of our DVDs in his pocket.

Ah. Crazy shit man!

Quote from: T234 on July 12, 2010, 02:56:09 PM

That soft rubber stuff that the dildo is quite heavy. After they left, I re-shrinkwrapped it and put it back on the pedestal behind the counter.

SOOOOO awesome.

Groogrux · « **Reply #25 on:** July 12, 2010, 03:00:05 PM »

T234 · « **Reply #26 on:** July 12, 2010, 03:06:45 PM »

Quote from: am nintenho on July 12, 2010, 02:56:39 PM

If you get shot, he'll go on trial saying that you "sexually assaulted" (I don't know if this counts) his wife with a dildo. Knowing the types of bullshit that juries count as self-defense, he might get off.

Did you call the cops though? At least to give them a description/license plate? I wouldn't be surprised if distinguished mentally-challenged fellows like this have some sort of warrants out on them.

No, I'd kill them on the spot. I could probably chop them up and dispose of them without ever even having to talk to the fuzz if I wanted to go that route. But I wouldn't, simply because that's too much work for 7.50/hr.

Quote from: Rob Thomas on July 12, 2010, 02:56:47 PM

You need to call me more

Quote from: andrwfields on July 12, 2010, 03:00:05 PM

(Image removed from quote.)

Oh mah gawd there's a new avatar.

Great Rumbler · « **Reply #27 on:** July 12, 2010, 03:31:22 PM »

T234 for Icon!!

brawndolicious · « **Reply #28 on:** July 12, 2010, 03:37:43 PM »

Quote from: T234 on July 12, 2010, 03:06:45 PM

Quote from: am nintenho on July 12, 2010, 02:56:39 PM
If you get shot, he'll go on trial saying that you "sexually assaulted" (I don't know if this counts) his wife with a dildo. Knowing the types of bullshit that juries count as self-defense, he might get off.
Did you call the cops though? At least to give them a description/license plate? I wouldn't be surprised if distinguished mentally-challenged fellows like this have some sort of warrants out on them.
No, I'd kill them on the spot. I could probably chop them up and dispose of them without ever even having to talk to the fuzz if I wanted to go that route. But I wouldn't, simply because that's too much work for 7.50/hr.

Well next time at least call the police so it makes it look like you took every legal precaution. And realistically, if they do come in you're going to be stocking the shelves or playing starcraft so they'd have the drop on you.

T234 · « **Reply #29 on:** July 12, 2010, 03:45:07 PM »

Quote from: am nintenho on July 12, 2010, 03:37:43 PM

Quote from: T234 on July 12, 2010, 03:06:45 PM
Quote from: am nintenho on July 12, 2010, 02:56:39 PM
If you get shot, he'll go on trial saying that you "sexually assaulted" (I don't know if this counts) his wife with a dildo. Knowing the types of bullshit that juries count as self-defense, he might get off.
Did you call the cops though? At least to give them a description/license plate? I wouldn't be surprised if distinguished mentally-challenged fellows like this have some sort of warrants out on them.
No, I'd kill them on the spot. I could probably chop them up and dispose of them without ever even having to talk to the fuzz if I wanted to go that route. But I wouldn't, simply because that's too much work for 7.50/hr.
Well next time at least call the police so it makes it look like you took every legal precaution. And realistically, if they do come in you're going to be stocking the shelves or playing starcraft so they'd have the drop on you.

Nah, I got about 2 seconds of warning.

Diunx · « **Reply #30 on:** July 12, 2010, 04:02:13 PM »

So much manliness in this thread

MCD · « **Reply #31 on:** July 12, 2010, 04:33:51 PM »

what color was that dildo?

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #32 on:** July 12, 2010, 04:37:19 PM »

Quote from: MCD on July 12, 2010, 04:33:51 PM

what color was that dildo?

Red when he got done.

BlackMage · « **Reply #33 on:** July 12, 2010, 05:10:21 PM »

you need to buy that dildo and send it to your EB secret santa for xmas

Groogrux · « **Reply #34 on:** July 12, 2010, 05:14:42 PM »

This reminds me of the hammer joke from Cosmic Oasis.

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #35 on:** July 12, 2010, 05:31:57 PM »

Quote from: Joe Molotov® EDGE™ on July 12, 2010, 04:37:19 PM

Quote from: MCD on July 12, 2010, 04:33:51 PM
what color was that dildo?

Red when he got done.

Really, even if you use a 17-pound dildo as it was intended, it would end up red anyway.

Ichirou · « **Reply #36 on:** July 12, 2010, 06:09:54 PM »

Quote from: Great Rumbler on July 12, 2010, 03:31:22 PM

T234 for Icon!!

I dunno, man. What he did is vigilantism. I'm pretty sure he could get arrested for it if the couple decided to press charges. We wouldn't want that, right?

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #37 on:** July 12, 2010, 06:17:46 PM »

Quote from: Ichirou on July 12, 2010, 06:09:54 PM

Quote from: Great Rumbler on July 12, 2010, 03:31:22 PM
T234 for Icon!!

I dunno, man. What he did is vigilantism. I'm pretty sure he could get arrested for it if the couple decided to press charges. We wouldn't want that, right?

He didn't swing first according to his version of events.

Great Rumbler · « **Reply #38 on:** July 12, 2010, 06:20:46 PM »

Quote from: Ichirou on July 12, 2010, 06:09:54 PM

Quote from: Great Rumbler on July 12, 2010, 03:31:22 PM
T234 for Icon!!

I dunno, man. What he did is vigilantism. I'm pretty sure he could get arrested for it if the couple decided to press charges. We wouldn't want that, right?

u mad?

Saint Cornelius · « **Reply #39 on:** July 12, 2010, 06:49:21 PM »

Leper Ichirou and then rocket him into space

BlackMage · « **Reply #40 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:38:56 PM »

Quote from: Saint Cornelius on July 12, 2010, 06:49:21 PM

Leper Ichirou and then rocket him into space

the world is about to end because I actually agree with Corny! TO THE MOON, ICHI!

Ichirou · « **Reply #41 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:41:59 PM »

et tu, BlackMage?

Smooth Groove · « **Reply #42 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:45:46 PM »

Too bad nobody gives a shit what Blackmage thinks.

Van Cruncheon · « **Reply #43 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:54:45 PM »

thor for MAN-ICON

Ichirou · « **Reply #44 on:** July 12, 2010, 09:56:59 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on July 12, 2010, 09:54:45 PM

thor for MAN-ICON

Agreed, since it implies other icons aren't men.

T234 · « **Reply #45 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:05:09 PM »

Quote from: Professor Prole on July 12, 2010, 09:54:45 PM

thor for MAN-ICON

<----

Ichirou · « **Reply #46 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:06:29 PM »

If you say man-icon real fast it kinda sounds like mannequin.

Smooth Groove · « **Reply #47 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:06:36 PM »

By the dildo of Thor!

BlackMage · « **Reply #48 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:45:43 PM »

Quote from: Smooth Groove on July 12, 2010, 09:45:46 PM

Too bad nobody gives a shit what Blackmage thinks.

someone does!.. someone... :'(

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #49 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:47:02 PM »

Madrun Badrun · « **Reply #50 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:47:57 PM »

Quote from: BlackMage on July 12, 2010, 10:45:43 PM

Quote from: Smooth Groove on July 12, 2010, 09:45:46 PM
Too bad nobody gives a shit what Blackmage thinks.

someone does!.. someone... :'(

I do.

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #51 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:48:29 PM »

Stop lying.

BlackMage · « **Reply #52 on:** July 12, 2010, 10:49:05 PM »

Quote from: Father_Mike on July 12, 2010, 10:47:57 PM

Quote from: BlackMage on July 12, 2010, 10:45:43 PM
Quote from: Smooth Groove on July 12, 2010, 09:45:46 PM
Too bad nobody gives a shit what Blackmage thinks.

someone does!.. someone... :'(

I do.

Saint Cornelius · « **Reply #53 on:** July 12, 2010, 11:06:11 PM »

BlackMage

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #54 on:** July 12, 2010, 11:47:50 PM »

*slaps Ichi with a three-foot dildo*

Cormacaroni · « **Reply #55 on:** July 12, 2010, 11:53:33 PM »

Quote from: Smooth Groove on July 12, 2010, 10:06:36 PM

By the dildo of Thor!

T234 · « **Reply #56 on:** July 13, 2010, 02:37:42 PM »

I had to call the police last night on somebody because he DIDN'T try to assault me, but his girlfriend tried to steal a DVD. The cops almost beat the shit outta both of us.

tehjaybo · « **Reply #57 on:** July 13, 2010, 03:21:19 PM »

Sounds like you guys need to do the GameStop thing and pull all the DVDs from the cases, and keep them behind the counter.

T234 · « **Reply #58 on:** July 13, 2010, 03:23:45 PM »

ABSOLUTELY NOT! TOO MUCH WORK, MUCH TOO MUCH

muckhole · « **Reply #59 on:** July 13, 2010, 09:30:05 PM »

If we could find you an even longer dong, you could develop mad skills with it like Zorro and his whip.

News:

Author Topic: "I care more about this laptop than your life, don't touch it." -me (Read 7821 times)