let's see if we can get a pitchfork staffwriter

[TakingBackSunday]

pitchfork is hiring freelance writers for album reviews and commentary, no matter the location.  all you have to do is submit four pieces, be they published on a site or blog, and then list your favorite albums and singles of the year.

I personally nominate eric p or bluetsunami.  Truly, we shall become the hipster board I've always dreamed of

[Phoenix Dark]

"published" as in "posted on an internet forum full of my peers"?

[TakingBackSunday]

it doesn't matter.  they just want written pieces that have been posted anywhere.  blog, website, forums, whatever.

[Barry Egan]

Eric P has impeccable taste but his writing style is way too technical for pitchfork.  I can imagine BlueTsunami doing well, i.e.: "This album made me want to spunk all over Beiruts puckered lil' bootyhole "

[Phoenix Dark]

I'd write three hip hop reviews, maybe trash Gucci Mane in the process, and get rejected 

[TakingBackSunday]

make sure you mention southern rap sucks, they'll really not hire you then

[The Fake Shemp]

There's not enough gold in Glenn Beck's underground bunker to pay me to write for Pitchfork.

[BlueTsunami]

The whole body of my work will be in depth retroreviews of EVERY KATE BUSH TRACK EVER. Yes, even the ones on The Red Shoes  :'(

[The Fake Shemp]

 

[Eric P]

i could probably do that.

[Yeti]

Music reviews are even more worthless than video game reviews

[CajoleJuice]

Wait, isn't that what Armond White does?

[brob]

Cohen

[TakingBackSunday]

Cohen, maybe you should do it 

[CajoleJuice]

Cohen has had practice with his wine blog.

[TakingBackSunday]

I'm going to see if they like my four reviews of Led Zeppelin I-IV.

spoiler alert: none are good

they just have to hire me now

[Phoenix Dark]

case in point

"It's not hard to spot the influences informing Scared. The reductionist house productions bear comparison to Dial Records' Pantha du Prince and Lawrence; the vocoders immediately recall Ricardo Villalobos' "Easy Lee", while the nimble 808 programming is similar to that of Non Standard Institute's Tobias Freund. But Tin Man doesn't only pull from dance music. His ruminative mood and gravelly Sprechstimme are both anticipated by the Australian band Flash & the Pan's 1978 recording of "Walking in the Rain". I wouldn't be surprised if Auvinen himself didn't know that; it's not a terribly common recording. But the more distant reference points reinforce the sense that Tin Man's talent, beyond songwriting and sonics, has a lot to do with the way he filters far-flung ideas into a unique, unexpected, and almost claustrophobically personal sound."
http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/14447-scared/

[Phoenix Dark]

That was literally the first new review I clicked on 

[TakingBackSunday]

good golly chirst, it really is that easy

[brob]

 

[TakingBackSunday]

Maybe one of us can steer pitchfork in the direction of quick, to-the-point, "THIS RECORD IS ____" reviews.  Like how AVClub operates.

probably won't happen, methinks they're looking for more drones.

[Phoenix Dark]

they're all like that.  hey guys I've listened to a lot of music and this review is my way to prove that.  it's formulaic to a fault. 

His ruminative mood and gravelly Sprechstimme are both anticipated by the Australian band Flash & the Pan's 1978 recording of "Walking in the Rain". I wouldn't be surprised if Auvinen himself didn't know that; it's not a terribly common recording.

What does the second sentence have to do with anything beyond dick waving?  Fuck me if you've heard the influence why didn't you make the fucking record, you twat.

#t=0m19s

[TakingBackSunday]

I'm sure there's various 80s movie references in some of their reviews.  Because, you know, the fucking 80s, man!

[Mr. Gundam]

I rarely ever read the text of their reviews since 90% of them are inane wankfests.  Many times you'll read a review and get the impression that the reviewer loves the album, but you have no idea what the music even sounds like from what they wrote.

I look at the scores and if it's something they rate 8.0 or higher, I typically check it out. Lots of stuff I love, however, doesn't get reviewed highly by Pitcfork, so it can be a crapshoot.

I'm sure there's various 80s movie references in some of their reviews.  Because, you know, the fucking 80s, man!

There are lots.

[TakingBackSunday]

Even the shit they rate highly sometimes doesn't even earn their magniloquent "best new music" tag.  They only give that holy badge of honor to shit that they know hipstertards will eat up and thus give them more page views.  I've seen albums get an 8.4 and NOT receive the title, yet something around a 7.9 or 8.0 that does get it.  It's fucking ridiculous and I hate the scene that pitchfork tries to create.

AVClub and noripchord are my go-to's for legitimate text reviews.  Eric P's links and music-is-amazing for new music in general

[TakingBackSunday]

  which track?

[Mr. Gundam]

I'm Losing My Edge

Oh yeah, I remember that.

[Mr. Gundam]

Nice...

[Robo]

I sent some stuff in to Tiny Mix Tapes a couple years back, but decided I didn't have the time to do it and additionally, was skeptical about throwing my hat into the ring when I know very little about music from a technical perspective, although at the time I didn't realize that that goes for, oh I dunno, like 99% of all music critics, particularly those who focus on pop music.

I kinda wish I'd followed through with it at this point, but eh, I don't even write for fun anymore.

[Eric P]

I know very little about music from a technical perspective, although at the time I didn't realize that that goes for, oh I dunno, like 99% of all music critics, particularly those who focus on pop music.

i don't know shit.  i'm constantly intimidated by other writers who know more about music or are flat out better writers than me.  i just write what i think music sounds like to me.  sometimes, i even succeed.

i don't read any pitchfork reviews because each time i've tried it's been utterly impenetrable, maximum rock n roll suffers from the same thing "this hardcore band sounds like this hardcore band crossed with this hardcore band but without this hardcore band's influence of XYZ"  sometimes though i can pick through it like a gleaner to find the left behind meaning.

Eric P's links and music-is-amazing for new music in general

king of the gigabitches

[tiesto]

case in point

"It's not hard to spot the influences informing Scared. The reductionist house productions bear comparison to Dial Records' Pantha du Prince and Lawrence; the vocoders immediately recall Ricardo Villalobos' "Easy Lee", while the nimble 808 programming is similar to that of Non Standard Institute's Tobias Freund. But Tin Man doesn't only pull from dance music. His ruminative mood and gravelly Sprechstimme are both anticipated by the Australian band Flash & the Pan's 1978 recording of "Walking in the Rain". I wouldn't be surprised if Auvinen himself didn't know that; it's not a terribly common recording. But the more distant reference points reinforce the sense that Tin Man's talent, beyond songwriting and sonics, has a lot to do with the way he filters far-flung ideas into a unique, unexpected, and almost claustrophobically personal sound."
http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/14447-scared/

Heh, Philip Sherburne, I've read a few reviews of his and they're all like this. Here's where I admit to being a big fan of Pantha du Prince and Villalobos tho    But I don't expect the average PF reader to know or get any of the references Sherburne is talking about here.

Fuck PF, give me King of the Gigabitches any day of the week.

[Robo]

AVClub is guilty of the same thing; I dunno why BrandNew is praising them.  I think a lot of the time they're even worse than P4K --if they're not, it's only because they're only a paragraph or two long and the meaninglessness is much more succinct.

For instance, from their review of Phoenix's Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix:

The single "1901" bursts with brightness from the start with a weave of ringing pop guitars and the candy-licked voice of Thomas Mars singing "fold it, fold it, fold it" as if the act of folding something (maybe a relationship) could be a carnival ride. "Fences" follows in more mellow fashion, with a slow-spinning disco lean that moves into the even mellower Air/Tangerine Dream-influenced "Love Like A Sunset." That range marks the borders of the album as a whole, and laced throughout all of it are generous, wide-eyed melodies of a kind that makes for swooning sighs and curious feelings of instant nostalgia.

It's just flowery nonsense.

[Robo]

case in point

"It's not hard to spot the influences informing Scared. The reductionist house productions bear comparison to Dial Records' Pantha du Prince and Lawrence; the vocoders immediately recall Ricardo Villalobos' "Easy Lee", while the nimble 808 programming is similar to that of Non Standard Institute's Tobias Freund. But Tin Man doesn't only pull from dance music. His ruminative mood and gravelly Sprechstimme are both anticipated by the Australian band Flash & the Pan's 1978 recording of "Walking in the Rain". I wouldn't be surprised if Auvinen himself didn't know that; it's not a terribly common recording. But the more distant reference points reinforce the sense that Tin Man's talent, beyond songwriting and sonics, has a lot to do with the way he filters far-flung ideas into a unique, unexpected, and almost claustrophobically personal sound."
http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/14447-scared/

Heh, Philip Sherburne, I've read a few reviews of his and they're all like this. Here's where I admit to being a big fan of Pantha du Prince and Villalobos tho    But I don't expect the average PF reader to know or get any of the references Sherburne is talking about here.

Fuck PF, give me King of the Gigabitches any day of the week.

I think it's fair to say that the average Pitchfork reader isn't even going to read this review.  His audience is probably mostly people like you who'll understand what he's getting at, and I appreciate that sort of focus a lot more than the crap that Andy Battaglia wrote in that Phoenix review.

I bet if that album were BNM'd, it'd be written entirely different.

[TakingBackSunday]

oh come now, if you don't think I'm joking 99.9 percent of the time, then the joke's on you man

spoiler (click to show/hide)

.1 percent = my love for scarves

[close]

[TakingBackSunday]

AVClub is guilty of the same thing; I dunno why BrandNew is praising them.  I think a lot of the time they're even worse than P4K --if they're not, it's only because they're only a paragraph or two long and the meaninglessness is much more succinct.

For instance, from their review of Phoenix's Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix:

The single "1901" bursts with brightness from the start with a weave of ringing pop guitars and the candy-licked voice of Thomas Mars singing "fold it, fold it, fold it" as if the act of folding something (maybe a relationship) could be a carnival ride. "Fences" follows in more mellow fashion, with a slow-spinning disco lean that moves into the even mellower Air/Tangerine Dream-influenced "Love Like A Sunset." That range marks the borders of the album as a whole, and laced throughout all of it are generous, wide-eyed melodies of a kind that makes for swooning sighs and curious feelings of instant nostalgia.

It's just flowery nonsense.

That's a particularly awful one that I think you selectively picked. 

I just like the brevity of avclub's commentaries, and most times I usually seem to agree with them, formulaic writing aside.  Besides, I prefer to read avclub for their music features and their staffwriter response pieces, simply because I enjoy anecdotes while reading about the art experience.

[pollo]

I was honestly thinking to myself the other day, "man, there's no whiter place on the internet-save the hannity boards and stormfront-than eb. that godamn place is so white"

this confirms it.

[TakingBackSunday]

but...PD?

easiest joke ever

[Robo]

I did selectively pick that one because it's memorably awful.  It reminds me of that shit Dave Halverson wrote about Cybermorph when he was on acid.

But still, this is in their review of MIA's MAYA from just a few days ago:

Conspiracy-addled claustrophobic noises swath the hooks throughout, revealing the intoxicating assuredness of a star who sought the spotlight in order to barrage it with glitter and shrapnel.

 

[pollo]

I did selectively pick that one because it's memorably awful.  It reminds me of that shit Dave Halverson wrote about Cybermorph when he was on acid.

But still, this is in their review of MIA's MAYA from just a few days ago:

Conspiracy-addled claustrophobic noises swath the hooks throughout, revealing the intoxicating assuredness of a star who sought the spotlight in order to barrage it with glitter and shrapnel.

 

 

[TakingBackSunday]

there's a lot of s' in that sentence