WARNING: this post is going to be long.
OK, so at the moment, I once again live in a dry county and one inhabited by a large, large amount of rednecks. However, due to the fact that I am intelligent, I try to stay far away from any places (other than my workplace) where I would have to deal with the locals around here. Last night was a sometimes horrifying but overall amusing exception to the rule.
Basically, in London, KY, where I live, there's only one real bar. It's called the Hangar, and it's by the local airport. They have shitty food but a halfway decent selection for beet (at least one that's better than anywhere else in town). I've been seeing a girl from in town and usually we go and drink at the Hangar until midnight, when the bar closes. Last call in London is 11:30 PM.
Some of the more hick type people at the Hangar have been talking about this private club in Lily, which is about five miles south of London and almost a straight shot down the road from the Hangar called the Moose Lodge. Now, for some reason, I pictured in my head a quiet club with a few people casually having drinks. Mostly it's BYOB at the Moose, but members could purchase from a private stock. Last night, my girlfriend knew someone who was having a birthday party down at the Moose. The birthday girl promised to get us in as guests. So, we both went to the Moose Lodge last night for the first time.
The Moose Lodge is literally like where Kentucky stores all the fucking hicks and rednecks in the state.
First of all, you have to sign in at the Moose on a ledger. The guy manning the door had a vest on with biker patches 40-50 years old, and hair that looked like it hadn't been cut in ten. I signed my name on the ledger and the guy bitched about not being able to read my signature. I knew it was going to be an interesting night from that moment on.
Admission to the Moose Lodge for guests: $3.00 for women, $11.00 for men.
I'm not fucking joking.
So, after emptying half of what was in my wallet to even get in the door, I was horrified to find out what the Moose actually was.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loyal_Order_of_MooseBasically, some rednecks had taken this American Legion/Stonemasons type organization building and turned it into a honky-tonk dance bar, playing nothing but AC/DC and Top 40 Rap and Country selections for the majority of the evening. The median age was like 40. There were 21 year olds dancing, and 70 year olds dancing. It was uniquely London.
Me and my girlfriend sat and basically watched the whole night. Either women way too old to dance or women way too overweight to dance would spend 99% of the time shaking their asses to the rap music. 50% of the men on the dance floor either had a bandanna or a cowboy hat on. The other 50% were dancing fucking crazy and were massively amusing to watch.
One of the more amusing conversations I over heard all night: "I just got me one of them iPhone 4's. I use to like them Blackberrys, but it's a piece of horseshit compared to my iPhone. I'm in love with the motherfucker."
I am a smoker, but I understand now why they are banning smoking in bars throughout the state. You could smoke inside the Moose, and I would say that 75% of the air in the room was smoke. There was little to no ventilation in the Moose and no windows. Once I got outside (there was no readmission, so stepping out for fresh air was out of the question) I instantly became nauseated.
At midnight, they shut off the music and took an offering for charity. Having been in churches most of my childhood, another surreal thought crossed my mind: "This would be what Southern Baptists would be like with Booze on Sundays."
I'm just really glad no one recognized me. The only two people I knew was my girlfriend and the birthday girl. All the girls were dressed like hookers except for my girlfriend. It was pretty fucking surreal.
I stayed until last call, which was 1:30. All the birthday party had to drink was "bitch beer," tequila, and vodka, so I took the safe route since I was driving and drank the pre-mixed Jose Cuervo margaritas in the cooler. After two of those, I didn't feel like my skin was burning off from the culture shock.
All in all, the Moose Lodge was a very amusing place, but I don't think I will be going back. I think I will stick to bars where I don't feel my ears bleeding from the overly loud and obnoxious music.
