Author Topic: Let's read The Bible (Read 12871 times)

Himu · « **on:** December 19, 2011, 09:34:21 PM »

A good starter bible for those who are too lazy.

Found here:

http://www.bricktestament.com/

Let's do this. What should the rules be? One book of the Bible a week or one every now and again?

Madrun Badrun · « **Reply #1 on:** December 19, 2011, 09:35:47 PM »

We tried this one before. It failed. I got bogged down in Leviticus. I really don't care about what odors are pleasing to God.

Himu · « **Reply #2 on:** December 19, 2011, 09:36:28 PM »

Leviticus is really hard to get through. It's among the worst books in the whole thing.

Still, the Bible is fucking hilarious.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #3 on:** December 19, 2011, 09:36:35 PM »

No lets discuss badass gospel music instead

Himu · « **Reply #4 on:** December 19, 2011, 09:40:29 PM »

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #5 on:** December 19, 2011, 09:45:58 PM »

The begats should be hawt

Himu · « **Reply #6 on:** December 19, 2011, 09:49:48 PM »

Himu · « **Reply #7 on:** December 19, 2011, 09:58:55 PM »

Robo · « **Reply #8 on:** December 19, 2011, 10:08:30 PM »

This book is amazing.

Himu · « **Reply #9 on:** December 19, 2011, 10:11:19 PM »

Tasty · « **Reply #10 on:** December 20, 2011, 12:05:09 AM »

Going through the New Testament atm. The plan I'm on is like three chapters a day.

That Brick Testament thing is hilarious.

Owl-faced Wizard · « **Reply #11 on:** December 20, 2011, 12:54:31 AM »

Only good part of the bible is the early old testament stuff. NT sucks worse than the Star Wars prequels and you get into Leviticus and shit just falls apart, though there are also some hilarious parts.

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #12 on:** December 20, 2011, 01:25:08 AM »

Instead, everyone should read Letters from the Earth by Mark Twain. More entertaining and better written.

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #13 on:** December 20, 2011, 01:26:45 AM »

old testament god was a fuckin trollface

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #14 on:** December 20, 2011, 01:27:51 AM »

Quote from: MrAngryFace on December 20, 2011, 01:26:45 AM

old testament god was a fuckin trollface

"Dude, I totally need you to kill your only son."

"WTF God, that shit is not cool!"

"DO IT!"

"Alright, you're God and shit there must be a good reason."

"lol just kiddin"

Himu · « **Reply #15 on:** December 20, 2011, 01:29:28 AM »

I love how he promises to never kill everything on the planet in a catastrophic natural event again and gives us the RAINBOW as a promise of this pact, and reminder that hey - I'm not a slaughterer of my children anymore, okay guys? And in the SAME FUCKING BOOK (of Genesis) he goes on to obliterate Sodom and Gomorrah cuz' like they a lil' hanky panky.

Himu · « **Reply #16 on:** December 20, 2011, 01:35:41 AM »

Rainbows are so assuring; every time I see one I think, hey, at least God isn't going to kill me!

Momo · « **Reply #17 on:** December 20, 2011, 01:36:20 AM »

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #18 on:** December 20, 2011, 01:59:49 AM »

Weird, everytime I see a rainbow I think "man, somewhere two unicorns are fucking."

Himu · « **Reply #19 on:** December 20, 2011, 02:08:08 AM »

No no, rainbows are from unicorn vomit not seminal discharge.

recursivelyenumerable · « **Reply #20 on:** December 20, 2011, 02:25:59 AM »

Quote from: Owl-faced Wizard on December 20, 2011, 12:54:31 AM

Only good part of the bible is the early old testament stuff. NT sucks worse than the Star Wars prequels and you get into Leviticus and shit just falls apart, though there are also some hilarious parts.

The New Testament is a lot like Xenogears Disc 2 in that they clearly ran out of time and budget in the middle of making it. So they took the only parts they really had done - the main Gospel story and Revelations - and padded it out with a bunch of alternate Gospel outtakes and a bunch of random letters and so on.

Cormacaroni · « **Reply #21 on:** December 20, 2011, 02:26:47 AM »

Yeah, any omnipotent God should be able to leave a better fucking document of things really. There are 12 year olds on twitter who make more sense.

brob · « **Reply #22 on:** December 20, 2011, 02:44:15 AM »

I appreciate the mythology of the thing. Although, sorta like lord of the rings; most of the cool lore is found in other, auxiliary writings and the main popular piece is just a big, dumb story. WHY DIDN'T THE EAGLES JUST FLY JESUS AWAY FROM HIS JEW KILLERS HUH

Himu · « **Reply #23 on:** December 20, 2011, 02:06:18 PM »

Quote from: Green Man on December 20, 2011, 06:43:47 AM

Look, I believe in a God but uh, the bible seems like horseshit written by a bunch of dudes to shape the world in their image.

I also think it's MASSIVELY fucked up that people ignore all these evil things in the bible.

But don't you see? The OT doesn't count. Except it kinda does because Jesus even says that he's there to CONFIRM the OT to be true. The God of the Bible is a bi-polar mad man who acts like a child playing with ants. Christians haven't read the Bible; that's how they excuse the evil shit - simple. I read the Bible when I was a teenager and rejected my Christian faith soon afterward.

Warning, Green Man: the Bible is among the biggest things that leads to non-belief.

Himu · « **Reply #24 on:** December 20, 2011, 03:21:53 PM »

But few are as entertaining as this one.

Owl-faced Wizard · « **Reply #25 on:** December 20, 2011, 03:26:48 PM »

Quote from: Stringer Bell on December 20, 2011, 01:29:28 AM

I love how he promises to never kill everything on the planet in a catastrophic natural event again and gives us the RAINBOW as a promise of this pact, and reminder that hey - I'm not a slaughterer of my children anymore, okay guys? And in the SAME FUCKING BOOK (of Genesis) he goes on to obliterate Sodom and Gomorrah cuz' like they a lil' hanky panky.

There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for that - what G was actually promising is that he wouldn't massacre humanity in that particular way (yes, this is seriously how people rationalise it).
Best part is pointing out that the whole 'thou shalt not kill' thing is an obvious crock, and getting '

obviously kill means murder' in response - which is unhelpful to say the least, as the book gives no instruction as to how to tell the difference (until you discover, of course, that killing only counts as murder when it's a jew - killing anybody else is inadvisable but not forbidden).

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #26 on:** December 20, 2011, 03:31:09 PM »

ordered this, 10 dollars on Amazon- why not

Himu · « **Reply #27 on:** December 20, 2011, 04:09:47 PM »

I love how Jacob is favored by god when he tricked his brother Esau into becoming the favored one because of Esau's dark skin

And then his daughter Dinah is raped by the king's son, so they offer a pact; circumcise your penises and you may marry my daughter and we will become one nation! So his son's come in to town after everything is fine and everyone's dicks have been mutilated, and murder EVERY ONE and take all the women as wives/slaves, and plunder the entire city of everything of value.

And these are god's chosen people

Jews

Himu · « **Reply #28 on:** December 20, 2011, 04:14:56 PM »

I can't wait to get to the part where god orders Moses to kill every single person EVER within the vicinity including women and children

It will be glorious

Mupepe · « **Reply #29 on:** December 20, 2011, 05:01:28 PM »

I love the bible. I also love when you meet a devout religious person who obviously has never read it and my agnostic ass can slam dunk their own religion in their face. The biggest excuse I've heard from people who their religious text backfires in their face is "my version of the bible doesn't say that" while they're completely unaware that A) That script isn't any different in any of the translations and B) Your copy is the King James Version just like the one I read! Huh!

Himu · « **Reply #30 on:** December 20, 2011, 05:03:44 PM »

Quran > The Bible easily even if a lot of its stories were ripped from the Bible

Mupepe · « **Reply #31 on:** December 20, 2011, 05:05:08 PM »

I've never read that Quran but it was my understanding (seeing how they worship the same God) that the stories weren't ripped from the bible but that they were actually telling a lot of the same stories.

brob · « **Reply #32 on:** December 20, 2011, 06:26:49 PM »

I have a koran somewhere... Maybe Christmas is just the right time to dive into it proper.

Cerveza mas fina · « **Reply #33 on:** December 20, 2011, 06:38:09 PM »

I once rolled cigs from bible paper when I was out of paper, since its paper is so thin and nice.

This is also the best thing about the bible.

Bloodwake · « **Reply #34 on:** December 20, 2011, 07:20:46 PM »

Why would you read the Bible? Most Christians don't even do that.

Himu · « **Reply #35 on:** December 20, 2011, 07:22:13 PM »

Quote from: Bloodwake on December 20, 2011, 07:20:46 PM

Why would you read the Bible?

Quote from: Robo on December 19, 2011, 10:08:30 PM

(Image removed from quote.)

(Image removed from quote.)

(Image removed from quote.)

^

Barry Egan · « **Reply #36 on:** December 20, 2011, 08:00:09 PM »

Canaan gets cursed for no reason! No reason at all!

What a bunch of fuck.

Cerveza mas fina · « **Reply #37 on:** December 20, 2011, 08:24:54 PM »

Is that a real story from the bible?

Im serious.

Barry Egan · « **Reply #38 on:** December 20, 2011, 08:36:56 PM »

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #39 on:** December 20, 2011, 08:44:31 PM »

Quote from: Premium Lager on December 20, 2011, 08:24:54 PM

Is that a real story from the bible?

Im serious.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lot_(biblical_person)#Lot_and_his_daughters

Himu · « **Reply #40 on:** December 20, 2011, 08:49:04 PM »

Quote from: Premium Lager on December 20, 2011, 08:24:54 PM

Is that a real story from the bible?

Im serious.

you've never read the story of lot? oh man, there's some doozies

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #41 on:** December 20, 2011, 08:52:04 PM »

He doesn't read a lot.

Himu · « **Reply #42 on:** December 20, 2011, 08:55:25 PM »

Yeti · « **Reply #43 on:** December 20, 2011, 09:28:15 PM »

I don't understand, if Lot was so drunk that he couldn't even remember being raped by his daughters, how was he able to get it up in order to impregnate them? Especially since he was old and probably already having difficulties in that department.

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #44 on:** December 20, 2011, 09:31:49 PM »

They're not called "The Chosen People" for nothing...

Himu · « **Reply #45 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:02:48 PM »

Quote from: Green Man on December 20, 2011, 10:00:21 PM

What do you mean?

Quote from: Green Man on December 20, 2011, 10:00:21 PM

All the times Ive been to church with my grandparents Ive never heard any stories like the ones I'm reading. It was all "love thy self and those around you, do good deeds" and not "rape your old man to keep the bloodline going". Has the bible been rewritten to exclude all this shit or what?

I'm having doubts about this whole God/Jesus thing.

Christians gloss over stuff and many haven't even read the Bible. Such is the case of moderates. All of this stuff is in the Bible.

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #46 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:15:40 PM »

And that's not even getting into all the dumb shit, like if Moses kept 2 of everything alive, he and his family were fucking LOUSY with bacteria and germs and shit.

Owl-faced Wizard · « **Reply #47 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:21:59 PM »

Biggest revelation for me recently was finding out that at least early on the religion is not monotheistic. There are lots of Gods in the bible and they're only 'false' gods in the sense that Jews aren't supposed to worship them (that's what the covenant they made with G is all about - it's an exclusivity deal). It's not like the text denies they exist or says they really demons or something - they're real, just weaker and it's sinful to worship them. Lot of the references are excised but you don't need to be a superscholar to spot them and it's really not some reptoid-style conspiracy about the book or anything. Once it's been pointed out and you read the early parts you can't go back.

Good primer:

Himu · « **Reply #48 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:26:09 PM »

My favorite bible story is still the story of Joseph. I just fucking LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF IT. I don't know why!

Himu · « **Reply #49 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:28:26 PM »

Quote from: Owl-faced Wizard on December 20, 2011, 10:21:59 PM

Biggest revelation for me recently was finding out that at least early on the religion is not monotheistic. There are lots of Gods in the bible and they're only 'false' gods in the sense that Jews aren't supposed to worship them (that's what the covenant they made with G is all about - it's an exclusivity deal). It's not like the text denies they exist or says they really demons or something - they're real, just weaker and it's sinful to worship them. Lot of the references are excised but you don't need to be a superscholar to spot them and it's really not some reptoid-style conspiracy about the book or anything. Once it's been pointed out and you read the early parts you can't go back.

The Jews were originally pagan, so it makes sense.

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #50 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:36:03 PM »

Quote from: Stringer Bell on December 20, 2011, 10:26:09 PM

My favorite bible story is still the story of Joseph. I just fucking LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF IT. I don't know why!

...because his amazing technicolor dreamcoat is just faaaaaabulous and you're a big ol figgurt?

Mupepe · « **Reply #51 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:51:08 PM »

This thread

Himu · « **Reply #52 on:** December 20, 2011, 10:53:36 PM »

Quote from: Creepy Old Guy on December 20, 2011, 10:36:03 PM

Quote from: Stringer Bell on December 20, 2011, 10:26:09 PM
My favorite bible story is still the story of Joseph. I just fucking LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF IT. I don't know why!

...because his amazing technicolor dreamcoat is just faaaaaabulous and you're a big ol figgurt?

Yes. Well, no. But it's just awesome how the eunich's wife keeps pressuring him to "have his way" with her. It's hilarious

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #53 on:** December 21, 2011, 12:29:10 AM »

Dreamcoat? Thought it was a Dreamcast. Interest dead.

Momo · « **Reply #54 on:** December 21, 2011, 01:06:23 AM »

best damn thread

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #55 on:** December 21, 2011, 01:53:04 AM »

Quote from: Owl-faced Wizard on December 20, 2011, 10:21:59 PM

Biggest revelation for me recently was finding out that at least early on the religion is not monotheistic. There are lots of Gods in the bible and they're only 'false' gods in the sense that Jews aren't supposed to worship them (that's what the covenant they made with G is all about - it's an exclusivity deal). It's not like the text denies they exist or says they really demons or something - they're real, just weaker and it's sinful to worship them. Lot of the references are excised but you don't need to be a superscholar to spot them and it's really not some reptoid-style conspiracy about the book or anything. Once it's been pointed out and you read the early parts you can't go back.

Good primer:

I counter with the atheists' nightmare

Himu · « **Reply #56 on:** December 21, 2011, 02:17:32 AM »

"You are my blood-bridegroom!"

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #57 on:** December 21, 2011, 03:59:55 AM »

Seem like blockheads.

Cerveza mas fina · « **Reply #58 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:12:33 AM »

Quote from: Stringer Bell on December 20, 2011, 08:49:04 PM

Quote from: Premium Lager on December 20, 2011, 08:24:54 PM
Is that a real story from the bible?

Im serious.

you've never read the story of lot? oh man, there's some doozies

Im pretty sure these stories never got covered in school religion classes

Thats insane.

Cerveza mas fina · « **Reply #59 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:23:40 AM »

Quote from: Flannel Boy on December 20, 2011, 08:52:04 PM

He doesn't read a lot.

Maybe I don't read a lot and I don't know the story of Job specifically but I read this one and passed a uni exam on it.

News:

Author Topic: Let's read The Bible (Read 12871 times)