Author Topic: Let's read The Bible (Read 12816 times)

Himu · « **Reply #60 on:** December 21, 2011, 10:36:56 AM »

I love how god hardens Pharaoh's heart. Yeah, create beings with free will, and be a dick by removing it just to prove yourself as "honorable". Why is god worth worshipping if he has the audacity to take away our free will just to "prove" something. What's so special about hebrews over all other god's children? This story is distinguished mentally-challenged.

The whole thing is stupid. Were the writer's of the OT distinguished mentally-challenged? Anyone with a modicum of intelligence and taste for history knows that Egypt was a culture hub during these years and they documented history like mother fuckers and this could easily refute the "historicity" of the Hebrew slavery years. Egypt was a settle land with among the greatest scientists and philosopher's with a penchant for history, the arts, and penmanship. Why did they choose EGYPT as the basis for the story? People in Egypt could READ AND WRITE. During the period of time that the bible claims that the Hebrews were in Egypt, the factual Egyptian population statistics by way of census totaled around three million.

The Jewish population given in the bible totaled around 2 million.

If 2 million people up and left Egypt, this would take away a tremendous amount of resources and the Egyptians recorded EVERY SINGLE THING, especially things that went to and fro between their country but there's no documented report that 2 million people just up and left Egypt.

Further still, god created plague after plague, and allowed the Israelites to plunder Egypt, and Egypt were left with no more pharaoh. None of this is documented and this is yeaaaaaaars before the plunder and destruction Alexandria or Egypt via war. Even when god does his magic like making the Nile turn into blood, Pharaoh's magicians can do it too! If this story is real, then how come modern "magicians" can't do what people were able to do 3000 years ago? BUBUBUBUBU-ING.

The Jews were never in Egypt to begin with. Even archeologists say that the people who made the pyramids weren't slaves at all, but laymen, just citizens.

Not to mention, notice how small the world is in the Bible. During this period of time in history, the Greeks and the Romans were at the top of their game, China was a hub for scholarship, philosophy, the arts, and culture.

Yet god gives a lowly desert tribe who can't even read a book about their triumphs? L.O.L.

tldr; The Jews were never in Egypt to begin with

Momo · « **Reply #61 on:** December 21, 2011, 10:51:33 AM »

Quote from: Stringer Bell on December 21, 2011, 10:36:56 AM

Yet god gives a lowly desert tribe who can't even read a book about their triumphs? L.O.L.

someone had to teach those muthafuckas to read.

via a fairytale starring their people

Himu · « **Reply #62 on:** December 21, 2011, 11:04:31 AM »

I like how god blackens Pharaoh's heart, making him stubborn and incapable of saying no to god, so on the night before the hebrews leave egypt he just goes and kills the first born of everyone. To make matters more hilarious, in order to ward off this curse, you have to dap the blood of your food for that night on the door frame of your house, and eat it in an EXACT, SPECIFIC WAY. Or else you'll be cursed!

And then even when Pharaoh gives up and has lost EVERYTHING, god hardens his heart even FURTHER and makes Pharaoh and his top guards chase after Moses and the Israelites, and drowns them.

THAT'S THE KICKER. Pharaoh was willing to let the Israelites go MANY, MANY TIMES BEFORE THIS, but God refused to let Pharaoh make his own decision, and decided to prolong the release of the Israelites and bring about the utter humiliation of the Egyptians for his own "honorable" purposes.

Consider what all happens in the bible, then pick up ANY book on Classic Egyptian history during their apex.

Then laugh and gawk.

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #63 on:** December 21, 2011, 11:19:02 AM »

I think my copy arrives today! *excited*

Momo · « **Reply #64 on:** December 21, 2011, 12:15:56 PM »

Quote from: MrAngryFace on December 21, 2011, 11:19:02 AM

I think my copy arrives today! *excited*

Which version do you have? King James' is overrated I heard

Himu · « **Reply #65 on:** December 21, 2011, 12:21:17 PM »

He ordered the brick testament and king james version isn't overrated by a stretch. it really is the best version.

brob · « **Reply #66 on:** December 21, 2011, 12:23:49 PM »

actually there was recently a new norwegian translation published. people camped out for the launch. Apparently it focused mainly on removing outdated words that young people wouldn't understand (hypothetical english example; harlot is exchanged for whore, etc). Which I am not fond of. I learned a fair few fancy old timey words at sunday school.

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #67 on:** December 21, 2011, 12:25:17 PM »

Brick Testament is the only good version of the bible

Momo · « **Reply #68 on:** December 21, 2011, 12:46:25 PM »

Quote from: Brobzoid on December 21, 2011, 12:23:49 PM

actually there was recently a new norwegian translation published. people camped out for the launch. Apparently it focused mainly on removing outdated words that young people wouldn't understand (hypothetical english example; harlot is exchanged for whore, etc). Which I am not fond of. I learned a fair few fancy old timey words at sunday school.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #69 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:17:37 PM »

How is the new testament a retcon?

Himu · « **Reply #70 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:20:31 PM »

New Testament is NOT a retcon. Jesus is there to CONFIRM THE OT IS TRUE.

Christians just ignore this because they have not read their book as a whole, because they like to ignore the evil shit that occurs in the OT.

Himu · « **Reply #71 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:28:43 PM »

I don't fucking know.

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #72 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:29:30 PM »

Old Testament: Original
New Testament: Retcon
Book of Mormon: Fanfic

Himu · « **Reply #73 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:30:08 PM »

Quote from: AWESOM-O on December 21, 2011, 04:26:59 PM

Edit: Not to mention the whole "God hates fegs!" shit. Fuck, that's probably my strongest example.

But this IS in the Bible.

The thing is, wearing clothing that's made of more than one type of cloth is just as sinful as homosex according to the bible, in the very same chapter no less, to my memory.

Quote from: Howard Alan Treesong on December 21, 2011, 04:29:30 PM

Old Testament: Original
New Testament: Retcon
Book of Mormon: Fanfic

Where does this put the Quran?

Himu · « **Reply #74 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:48:05 PM »

Why does god punish the israelites for demanding meat? he has them walking through the desert for an eternity. He creates the planet in 6 days but for some reason, every time he has to do something important, people have to wait 40 days for fucking stone tablets and he gets pissed they're antsy because all they have to eat is a bunch of shitty bread and damns them for walking through the desert for 40 years?

Why do jews worship this guy?

Mupepe · « **Reply #75 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:49:39 PM »

Just like lower class Republicans, the lower class Christians need to take what the elite give them (bread, minimum wage jobs) and STFU. If you complain you'll get beat with a stick

Himu · « **Reply #76 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:52:53 PM »

I'd say it makes more sense to be Christian or Muslim than Jewish because the Jews only have the Torah (Old Testament) and god treats them like shit and they're his chosen people

Mupepe · « **Reply #77 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:54:30 PM »

Most Jewish people I've met seem to define themselves by their suffering. And they're always ultra paranoid about the next mass murder of their people

Himu · « **Reply #78 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:55:12 PM »

Quote from: Count Drugula The Satanic on December 21, 2011, 04:53:52 PM

Nonsense never makes any sense himumu, no matter the degree.

I'm just saying

Himu · « **Reply #79 on:** December 21, 2011, 04:55:47 PM »

Quote from: Mupepe on December 21, 2011, 04:54:30 PM

Most Jewish people I've met seem to define themselves by their suffering. And they're always ultra paranoid about the next mass murder of their people

Blacks and jews really are similar.

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #80 on:** December 21, 2011, 05:02:20 PM »

Yahweh is like the original troll or some shit

Mupepe · « **Reply #81 on:** December 21, 2011, 05:03:20 PM »

*shrug* I've never been around any other ethnic group that flaunts it the way Jews do. They're the only ethnic group I've met who bring up things that happened a thousand years ago as a sign of their persecution. Most others have gotten over that by now.

Himu · « **Reply #82 on:** December 21, 2011, 05:05:17 PM »

The thing about other groups is that at least there's documented cases of their mistreatment. There is literally zero proof the jews were slaves in Egypt aside from the bible, which isn't a good metric for historical accounts when it has talking snakes and burning bushes.

Mupepe · « **Reply #83 on:** December 21, 2011, 05:07:01 PM »

The jews cut chunks of their dicks off and that's on a good day for them. I think it's clear who's used to suffering.

Mupepe · « **Reply #84 on:** December 21, 2011, 05:21:20 PM »

Sounds like Christians to be honest. Gays are gay to piss off God. Satan made all those dirty movies to distract you from being part of God's flock. Atheists don't exist. Everyone is agnostic at best and they're just doing it to be dicks.

Himu · « **Reply #85 on:** December 21, 2011, 05:26:17 PM »

As much as I think the creation of Israel is a crock of shit, one of the biggest things that disgusted me during my interest in the islam faith was muslim treatment of jewish establishments. Like, they'll go on about how islam is a religion of peace, and then demand you boycott Kinko's or some shit because they support israel and those filthy, filthy jews.

Mupepe · « **Reply #86 on:** December 21, 2011, 05:29:10 PM »

Quote from: Count Drugula The Satanic on December 21, 2011, 05:24:04 PM

I can't imagine what black people say about white people behind their backs.

Nothing nearly as bad as what white people say about blacks behind their backs.

Bebpo · « **Reply #87 on:** December 21, 2011, 06:02:37 PM »

Himuro wants me to post in this thread because I'm a Jew.

I'm not going to post in this thread.

Himu · « **Reply #88 on:** December 21, 2011, 06:04:28 PM »

I want ANSWERS.

Himu · « **Reply #89 on:** December 21, 2011, 06:22:06 PM »

How many israelites does god kill while in the desert?

edit:

For dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf - 3000
Aaron's sons for offering strange fire before the Lord - 2
A Blasphemer - 1
A man who picked up sticks on the Sabbath - 1
Korah, Dathan, and Abiram (and their families) - 12
Burned to death for offering incense - 250
For complaining - 14,700

So far that's 17,966

Barry Egan · « **Reply #90 on:** December 21, 2011, 06:31:06 PM »

It's no better than we deserve :'(

Himu · « **Reply #91 on:** December 21, 2011, 06:45:09 PM »

I'm on the part where the Israelites massacre entire cities - men, women, and children - without mercy. Yahweh hardens the heart of a local ruler, denying them free will, Israelites ask to pass through, the ruler says no cuz god decided to take away their free will and make them stubborn, god curses them in return, and the israelites precede to massacre every single person.

Fuckin' metal.

Mupepe · « **Reply #92 on:** December 21, 2011, 06:54:28 PM »

Quote from: Count Drugula The Satanic on December 21, 2011, 06:52:16 PM

LET MY PEOPLE GO CRAZY!

fixed

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #93 on:** December 21, 2011, 06:58:16 PM »

I like how the best that Yahweh can do for a weapon for the Jews is a box that if you carry it around a city 7 times and then yell will make the walls fall down. Personally, if that's the best you can do for a weapon then you're not a God I care to worship, bitch tits.

Himu · « **Reply #94 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:11:29 PM »

Yeah, notice how Yahweh's powers recede as the tale goes on. The guy goes from creating a planet and all life in six days to plagues involving frogs and blood to stone tablets to an ark that has to be carried all the time. Makes sense that the best he can do these days is appear in clouds and show his son's face on a piece of toast.

Himu · « **Reply #95 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:22:20 PM »

the greek gods > all of the monotheistic gods

Barry Egan · « **Reply #96 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:25:12 PM »

Yea the Greek gods were flawed but way more approachable.

brob · « **Reply #97 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:33:29 PM »

monotheistic gods are boring by necessity though. how do you make omnipotence interesting? It's the same thing all the time and it can't be flawed because there is no other gods to balance it out. Norse, Greek, Hindu, Shinto etc have pantheons rich of different characters. much more fun. Which is also why the angel/demon hierarchy is the more interesting bit of Abrahamistic monotheism.

Howard Alan Treesong · « **Reply #98 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:35:26 PM »

Quote from: Count Drugula The Satanic on December 21, 2011, 04:34:33 PM

Superior remake!

Quran is Reboot/Reimagining

Himu · « **Reply #99 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:36:18 PM »

The angel/demon hierarchy was mostly created after the initial texts were created though.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_angelic_hierarchy

brob · « **Reply #100 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:38:48 PM »

STILL COUNTS

Himu · « **Reply #101 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:39:46 PM »

Dante's Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost > every single bit of monotheistic mythology except for maybe Santa

brob · « **Reply #102 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:39:54 PM »

fan fics like paradise lost and dante's comedy are better than the original work too. those count as well.

edit: I wrote this before I saw you did!

Himu · « **Reply #103 on:** December 21, 2011, 07:40:28 PM »

Quote from: Brobzoid on December 21, 2011, 07:39:54 PM

fan fics like paradise lost and dante's comedy are better than the original work too. those count as well.

Yeah that's what I said.

Himu · « **Reply #104 on:** December 21, 2011, 08:34:39 PM »

Quote from: Stringer Bell on December 21, 2011, 06:22:06 PM

For dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf - 3000
Aaron's sons for offering strange fire before the Lord - 2
A Blasphemer - 1
A man who picked up sticks on the Sabbath - 1
Korah, Dathan, and Abiram (and their families) - 12
Burned to death for offering incense - 250
For complaining - 14,700

So far that's 17,966

Add 24,000 more Israelites for fraternizing (aka fucking) with Moabite and Midianite women on top of worshipping their god.

Boogie · « **Reply #105 on:** December 21, 2011, 10:19:49 PM »

Quote from: Stringer Bell on December 21, 2011, 10:36:56 AM

Not to mention, notice how small the world is in the Bible. During this period of time in history, the Greeks and the Romans were at the top of their game,

The earliest references to the exodus story come up in Israel in the 8th century BC, so a mythical exodus from Egypt would have taken place quite some time before that. Roman myth doesn't even have Rome founded until 753 BC, with the Roman Republic not founded until around 509 BC, and Roman hegemony in Italy in the 3rd Century BC. Not quite "at the top of their game" in the same timeframe, himumumu.

Himu · « **Reply #106 on:** December 21, 2011, 11:28:39 PM »

True enough boogs, wrong choice of words, but doesn't take away from my over all point.

CajoleJuice · « **Reply #107 on:** December 21, 2011, 11:31:46 PM »

Quote from: Brobzoid on December 21, 2011, 07:33:29 PM

monotheistic gods are boring by necessity though. how do you make omnipotence interesting? It's the same thing all the time and it can't be flawed because there is no other gods to balance it out. Norse, Greek, Hindu, Shinto etc have pantheons rich of different characters. much more fun. Which is also why the angel/demon hierarchy is the more interesting bit of Abrahamistic monotheism.

also why superman is boring

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #108 on:** December 21, 2011, 11:34:00 PM »

Quote from: CajoleJuice on December 21, 2011, 11:31:46 PM

Quote from: Brobzoid on December 21, 2011, 07:33:29 PM
monotheistic gods are boring by necessity though. how do you make omnipotence interesting? It's the same thing all the time and it can't be flawed because there is no other gods to balance it out. Norse, Greek, Hindu, Shinto etc have pantheons rich of different characters. much more fun. Which is also why the angel/demon hierarchy is the more interesting bit of Abrahamistic monotheism.

also why superman is boring

PhoenixDark liked this post

Himu · « **Reply #109 on:** December 22, 2011, 05:53:23 PM »

GO MOSES

GENOCIDE

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #110 on:** December 22, 2011, 05:56:41 PM »

Moses coolest lookin Lego dude

Himu · « **Reply #111 on:** December 22, 2011, 06:05:28 PM »

GENOCIDE

BARBARISM

The Bible is a fine example of morality and TOTALLY relevant in the 21st century!

Cerveza mas fina · « **Reply #112 on:** December 22, 2011, 06:29:20 PM »

Quote from: Stringer Bell on December 22, 2011, 05:53:23 PM

GO MOSES

GENOCIDE

(Image removed from quote.)

This thread (and thus the bible) keeps on giving.

What a shit book jesus.

Moses sounds lik Bin Laden.

Himu · « **Reply #113 on:** December 22, 2011, 06:48:20 PM »

Moses takes no shit.

Himu · « **Reply #114 on:** December 22, 2011, 07:12:29 PM »

God shows up and talks to Moses and Joshua face to face!

When the Israelites are slaves of the Egyptians and Yahweh uses the plagues on the Pharaoh, the Egyptians use magicians (

) to mimic Yahweh's plagues. They can turn the Nile into blood and make frogs appear from it as well.

So if the world used to be a land of magic of sorcery, what the hell happened? The world is more small now that we can fly across the world in just a few hours time or have the internet that allows us to see what's happening on the opposite end of the world. Yet...no more magic? Hmmmm...curious!

Cerveza mas fina · « **Reply #115 on:** December 22, 2011, 07:17:07 PM »

What about Magic Jonhson huh?

Himu · « **Reply #116 on:** December 22, 2011, 07:20:02 PM »

Magic Johnson is an extremely rich man who is "blessed" with the fortune of being an NBA hall of famer.

I see no miracles. Miracles as explained by the bible, are supernatural events that defy explanation. Every thing in our natural world can be explained, provided science is there to examine it. Today's "miracles" seem to border between the lines of vanity (Tebow) and naivety/idiocy (Jesus' face in a cloud/piece of toast).

Positive Touch · « **Reply #117 on:** December 22, 2011, 08:11:45 PM »

what about the time george bush prayed to god and god said it was ok to blow up iraq

Himu · « **Reply #118 on:** December 22, 2011, 08:48:54 PM »

Pope is full of shit.

Barry Egan · « **Reply #119 on:** December 22, 2011, 08:53:16 PM »

Someday we as a society will move past JudeoChristianity guys. Just give it time.

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Author Topic: Let's read The Bible (Read 12816 times)