Let's read The Bible

[Himu]

I have no problem with Judeo-Christian-Islamic crap so long as it doesn't affect politics/legislature. Except it does.

[Phoenix Dark]

I don't get Catholicism. There's no basis for popes in the bible; I know they focus on Peter getting the keys to heaven or whatever, but then they turn it into some Indiana Jones shit with him passing them from dude to dude for thousands of years? smh

[Himu]

This is the best Bible I've ever seen.



Leviticus 18:23
'Do not have sex with any kind of animal. You would become unclean by doing so.'



Exodus 22:18
'Any man who has sex with an animal, is certainly to be put to death.'



Leviticus 20:15
'Put the animal to death as well.'



 Leviticus 18:23
'Neither should a woman present herself to an animal for sex. It is a perversion.'



Leviticus 20:16
'If a woman approaches an animal to have sex with it, kill the woman and the animal. They are certainly to be put to death. Their blood is on their own heads.'

[Himu]

Leviticus 18:9
'Do not have sex with your sister. Whether she was born in the same house or elsewhere, do not have sex with her.'

How did Adam and Eve's children have families then? What about Noah and his children? They're the only ones after the flood! What about Lot?!

edit:



Deuteronomy 22:28
'If a man happens to meet a virgin woman who is not engaged to be married...'



 Deuteronomy 22:28
'...And he seizes her and rapes her...'



Deuteronomy 22:28
'...but is caught in the act...'



Deuteronomy 22:29
'...the rapist must pay the girl's father fifty silver shekels.'



 Deuteronomy 22:29
'She must marry the rapist, because he has violated her. And so long as he lives, he may not divorce her.'

[Human Snorenado]

The Bible: Surprisingly Cool With Rape!

[Flannel Boy]

GO MOSES

GENOCIDE

(Image removed from quote.)

[Himu]

Deuteronomy 21:10
'When you go to war against your enemies...'



Deuteronomy 21:10
'...and you take prisoners...'



Deuteronomy 20:13
'...put the entire male population to death.'



Deuteronomy 21:11
'If among the prisoners you see a beautiful woman, and you are attracted to her...'



Deuteronomy 21:11-12
'...you may take her as a wife.'



Deuteronomy 21:12-13
'Bring her into your home, shave her head, cut her nails, and take off her prisoner's garb.'



 Deuteronomy 21:13
'She must stay inside your house and mourn for her father and mother for a full month.'



Deuteronomy 21:13
'After that, you may have sex with her.'



Deuteronomy 21:14
'Should she not please you...'



Deuteronomy 21:14
'...you will let her go where she wishes. Do not sell her for money or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her.'

[Himu]

What does Allah say about rape, Himu? Is there an equivalent chapter in the Quran?

If I remember it's certainly a heck of a lot more punishing towards than the Bible, but allows a loophole.

[Phoenix Dark]

Does the book include the bible verses, or the bubble captions?

[Himu]

Both

[Momo]

So what do you think guys, is the Pope full of shit or does he really believe he can talk to God?

Since the Popes word is as good as Gods, what if the Pope said God didn't exist?

He probably uses his "God time" to masturbate

[Flannel Boy]

Deuteronomy 21:13
'After that, you may have sex with her.'

(Image removed from quote.)

Deuteronomy 21:14
'Should she not please you...'

(Image removed from quote.)

Deuteronomy 21:14
'...you will let her go where she wishes. Do not sell her for money or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her.'

How can she please that.

[Himu]

Notice how it's mostly concentrating on men and male desires. Most of these are based solely around when the man can finally dump his load into a poor virgin girl's front hole.

[Himu]

Numbers 5:14, 13
'If a husband becomes suspicious that his wife has had sex with another man, though he did not catch her in the act...'



Numbers 5:14-15
'...even if she is innocent and his jealousy and suspicions are groundless, he will bring his wife before the priest.'



 Numbers 5:17
'The priest will put some holy water in an earthen vessel and put some dust from the floor into the water.'



Numbers 5:18-19
'The priest will unbind the woman's hair, put her on oath, and say to her, "If no other man has had sex with you, may this bitter water do you no harm."'




Numbers 5:20, 22
'"But if you have had sex with a man while under your husband's authority, may this water enter your bowels and make your belly swell and your sexual organs shrivel."



Numbers 5:26
'Then he will make the woman drink the water.'



Numbers 5:28
'If she has not made herself unclean, then she will be unharmed and will be able to bear children.'



Numbers 5:27
'But if it is true that she has had sex with another man, her belly will swell, her sex organs will shrivel, and she will become accursed among her people.'

 

[Flannel Boy]

So what do you think guys, is the Pope full of shit or does he really believe he can talk to God?

Since the Popes word is as good as Gods, what if the Pope said God didn't exist?

He probably uses his "God time" to masturbate

bashing the bishop: something in common with atheists

Notice how it's mostly concentrating on men and male desires. Most of these are based solely around when the man can finally dump his load into a poor virgin girl's front hole.

And?

[Human Snorenado]

I think we've finally figured out why Malek REALLY can't ever get a girlfriend.

[Himu]

[Himu]

Deuteronomy 13:1
'If a prophet arises among you offering some sign or wonder...'



Deuteronomy 13:2
'...and if he then tells you to follow other gods and worship them...'



Deuteronomy 13:3-4
'Do not listen to that prophet's words. Yahweh your God is testing you to find out if you love him with all your heart and soul.'



Deuteronomy 13:6
'That prophet must be put to death. You must banish this evil from among you.'



edit:



Deuteronomy 13:13-15
'If you hear that in one of the towns, there are men who are telling people to go and worship other gods, it is your duty to look into the matter and examine it.'



Deuteronomy 13:15-16
'If it is proved and confirmed, you must put the inhabitants of that town to the sword.'



Deuteronomy 13:16
'You must lay the town under the curse of destruction, the town and everything in it.'



Deuteronomy 13:17
'You must pile up all its loot in the public square and burn the town and all its loot.'



Deuteronomy 13:17
'That town is to be a ruin for all time, and never rebuilt.'

[Himu]

Deuteronomy 28:15
'If you are not careful to keep all of Yahweh's laws...'



Deuteronomy 28:21, 30
'...then all of the following curses will befall and overtake you. Though you will get engaged to marry a woman...'



 Deuteronomy 28:30
'...another man will rape her.'



Deuteronomy 28:63, 27
'Yahweh will take delight in ruining and destroying you. He will afflict you with hemorrhoids, scurvy, and the itch, and you will find no cure.'



Deuteronomy 28:35, 27
'Yahweh will strike you with foul ulcers, boils, and tumors from which there will be no cure, from the sole of your foot to the top of your head.'



Deuteronomy 28:28
'Yahweh will strike you with madness, blindness, and confusion until you grope your way around at noon like a blind man groping in the dark, and your steps lead you nowhere.'



Leviticus 26:22
'Yahweh will send wild animals to attack you.'



Deuteronomy 28:53
'You will eat the flesh of your own sons and daughters.'



Deuteronomy 28:22
'Yahweh will strike you down with consumption, fever, rash, drought, blight, and mildew. And these will pursue you until your ruin.'



Deuteronomy 28:45
'All of these curses will befall you for not having obeyed the voice of Yahweh your God by keeping his laws which he has laid down for you.'

[MrAngryFace]

gods work is done, time for a cup o joe

[Phoenix Dark]

gods work is done, time for a cup o joe

"Mine coffee is the only thing I like integrated"

[Flannel Boy]

 Deuteronomy 23:1
'A man whose testicles have been crushed...'

 
 Deuteronomy 23:1
'...or whose penis has been cut off...'


 Deuteronomy 23:1
'...must not be admitted to the congregation of Yahweh.'

[Flannel Boy]

I think this can work without captions.

[Flannel Boy]

. . .

[Himu]

Waiting for god to smite me. Waiting. Waiiiiiii-

[Flannel Boy]

Did your husband find out you weren't a virgin?

[Flannel Boy]

Who says that the Bible is antiquated.

[Himu]

DON'T CHARGE JEWS INTEREST

[Flannel Boy]

 
 
 
 

[Phoenix Dark]

Which story did you just post, Malek?

A deleted scene from A New Hope

[Flannel Boy]

 Judges 19:1

And now I'm going to sleep

1 Corinthians 1:21

[Himu]

Notice how hell isn't even brought up early in the story, god kills people himself or has someone do it for him. Hmmm, wonder why? Maybe hell is made up leverage to make people believe?

Pascal's Wager in image form.

[Mupepe]

Holy fuck I'm picking this up from Barnes and Noble tonight

[Positive Touch]

i love asking christians to point out where in the bible i can find the story about satan betraying god and being cast out to rule hell iirc there is no mention of satan or the devil at all, and hell comes from a story about a lake of fire.  i always assumed the catholic church made that up to keep people in line.

[Mupepe]

Satan is described in the book of Job and all throughout the New Testament.  And he's referenced (not specifically by name) as adversary, serpent, etc throughout the Old Testament.  But the story about him being God's righthand man in the book of Job and IIRC him being cast out of Heaven is somewhere in The New Testament (only read the New Testament once cuz it's a snore).

Edit: Found it.  In Luke and Revelations.

"And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him"

[Mupepe]

Either way, Paradise Lost is the only literature worth reading about the war between God and Satan.

[Himu]

i love asking christians to point out where in the bible i can find the story about satan betraying god and being cast out to rule hell iirc there is no mention of satan or the devil at all, and hell comes from a story about a lake of fire.  i always assumed the catholic church made that up to keep people in line.

A lot of people assume Satan rules hell, and all of this stuff. The modern idea of hell is mostly due to post-biblical literature, notably Dante's Divine Comedy. In the bible, to my memory, hell is only described a lake of fire and Satan isn't its ruler.

[Mupepe]

Satan isn't even cast into hell IIRC.  He's cast to earth.  Some also say he was cast out of heaven twice.

[Himu]

Yeah, they're never specific.

[Phoenix Dark]

Satan isn't in hell, he's in the second heaven. It's pretty specific

[Himu]

Really? It's been a long time. I remember them saying he was cast down to Earth plenty of times, though. But Earth isn't second heaven so whatevah.

[Phoenix Dark]

I haven't been to bible school in ages but yea:

Third heaven: God's throne
----water above firmament-----
Second heaven: space
First heaven: Earth's atmosphere
----water on earth-----------------

[Flannel Boy]

[Flannel Boy]

[Himu]

Listen to this album while reading The Bible.

KILL EM ALL

[Flannel Boy]

[Mupepe]

I haven't been to bible school in ages but yea:

Third heaven: God's throne
----water above firmament-----
Second heaven: space
First heaven: Earth's atmosphere
----water on earth-----------------

It depends on whether you actually believe Satan was cast out of heaven twice.  If he's actually betrayed God yet.  In Job it says that Satan dwells in 2nd Heaven and has access to 3rd Heaven.  That implies he has not actually been cast out yet and when it does happen that he will be cast to Earth. 

And then if he does get cast out of Heaven twice then why would God give him free reign to enter third heaven?  It's the holiest of holies.  so much so that according to other scriptures only Christ resides there and no one will have access to it until the rapture that's spoken of in Revelations when the bible explicitly says homeboy will be cast to Earth.

[Himu]

Which is more Barbaric: the Bible or the Qur'an?



Joshua 6:20
The trumpets sounded, and the army gave a mighty war cry.



Joshua 6:20
And the walls collapsed.



Joshua 6:20
The men charged straight into the city to destroy every living thing in it...
 


Joshua 6:21
...the men...



Joshua 6:21
...the women...



Joshua 6:21
...the young...
 


Joshua 6:21
...the old...



Joshua 6:21
...the cattle...



 Joshua 6:21
...the sheep...



 Joshua 6:21
...and the donkeys.



Joshua 6:24
Then the Israelites burned the whole city and everything in it.

[Phoenix Dark]

I haven't been to bible school in ages but yea:

Third heaven: God's throne
----water above firmament-----
Second heaven: space
First heaven: Earth's atmosphere
----water on earth-----------------

It depends on whether you actually believe Satan was cast out of heaven twice.  If he's actually betrayed God yet.  In Job it says that Satan dwells in 2nd Heaven and has access to 3rd Heaven.  That implies he has not actually been cast out yet and when it does happen that he will be cast to Earth. 

And then if he does get cast out of Heaven twice then why would God give him free reign to enter third heaven?  It's the holiest of holies.  so much so that according to other scriptures only Christ resides there and no one will have access to it until the rapture that's spoken of in Revelations.

He will be cast out of heaven again at the start of the tribulation. Right now he has access to the third heaven, where he taunts the heavenly hosts and spreads doubts. After the rapture he'll be cast out of all the heavenly planes to earth, where he'll have free reign/anti-christ/etc

[Himu]

So it's water that separates outer space from heaven? Also, why haven't we seen Satan and his angels floating in space yet but we can snap photos of Saturn or Jupiter?

[Mupepe]

I haven't been to bible school in ages but yea:

Third heaven: God's throne
----water above firmament-----
Second heaven: space
First heaven: Earth's atmosphere
----water on earth-----------------

It depends on whether you actually believe Satan was cast out of heaven twice.  If he's actually betrayed God yet.  In Job it says that Satan dwells in 2nd Heaven and has access to 3rd Heaven.  That implies he has not actually been cast out yet and when it does happen that he will be cast to Earth. 

And then if he does get cast out of Heaven twice then why would God give him free reign to enter third heaven?  It's the holiest of holies.  so much so that according to other scriptures only Christ resides there and no one will have access to it until the rapture that's spoken of in Revelations.

He will be cast out of heaven again at the start of the tribulation. Right now he has access to the third heaven, where he taunts the heavenly hosts and spreads doubts. After the rapture he'll be cast out of all the heavenly planes to earth, where he'll have free reign/anti-christ/etc

That's all pure interpretation though.  Nothing actually says he's cast into second heaven.  Hell, the different heavens are actually interpretation just from Paul mentioning a third heaven and people assuming there must be a second and first heaven.  Then they considered the air second heaven and Satan is referred to as Prince of the Air so they assumed he has a kingdom there.  But none of that is actually said.  It's pieced together from very vague references.

edit: He's actually called "Prince of the Power of the Air"  Even more vague

[Himu]

If Satan is in second heaven how did he ever have the ability or even time to hide all of those dinosaur fossils in order to tempt us? Sounds like a busy man.

[Mupepe]

He's had 4 billion 6,000 years to do that, Himu haha

[Mupepe]

Yeesh.  I just realized trying to interpret all the vague references of the bible is like those dorks trying to interpret a canon time line in Zelda.  So futile

[Himu]

But how did he go from second heaven to earth, bury the fossils, and then go back to second heaven? sounds a little convoluted to tempt a bunch meat bags to me.

[Mupepe]

Another interpretation is that he doesn't just have free reign to third heaven, he is free to go anywhere and do anything until tribulation.

Edit: he won't actually be confined anywhere until Revelations where an Angel will come down with a key to the abyss and tie him up at the bottom and seal the door so that he can't deceive anyone again.

[Himu]

So God can give my family cancer but can't take care of Satan, who has free reign? What did we ever to him?

[Mupepe]

He's kind of a dick, bro.

[Himu]

Is it because we're dark-skinned? Darkies ARE cursed flesh by way of the mark of Cain.

Is the Curse of Ham in the Brick Testament?!

[Flannel Boy]

So God can give my family cancer but can't take care of Satan, who has free reign? What did we ever to him?

We killed his only son!




























The owner is God, his son is Jesus, the slaves are prophets, and the leaseholders are Jews! It makes so much sense. . . .