Dumb Stuff Family Says: Christmas Edition

[lennedsay]

I love hearing the crazy shit families say, so please share.

My sister just told me someone said, "Lindsay looks like she's carrying twins!"  I'm barely even showing and no one at work even had a clue when I told them. I haven't gained any weight yet, and actually look thinner in my legs, arms, etc. They must have never seen a pregnant person before. The only reason I'm starting to show is because I'm so short, so my stomach is already pushed up under my ribs as far as it can go, and now the only place for it all to go is straight out.

FYI Family: I'm growing a human, so I'll be getting much much larger. I don't point out how huge all you fatties are, so refrain from commenting on my growing fetus. The only growing twins I'm carrying are these mammaries.

Now the wimmenz are sitting around talking hot flashes. My poor husband.

[Flannel Boy]

The only growing twins I'm carrying are these mammaries.

[Phoenix Dark]

Len smh

This Christmas will be interesting. My mom entered a cookie contest in the neighborhood and came in second place. She's been visibly salty since losing to some sugar cookies she felt were "average;" she's been complaining for days. So my dad has organized a family cookie contest for Christmas, and he secretly texted the cooler members of the family to rig the results so my mom loses again 

[Phoenix Dark]

He's quite the troll. One of my aunts is incapable of making good cookies, so the plan is for her to finish ahead of my mom in the voting and watch the bitterness flow 

[lennedsay]

I made this thread with PD in mind.

The menfolk came back inside (probably from smoking weed in the garage) and were talking about the end of the world until someone said something about their joints being sore. The boys got distracted by the mention of joints and started talking about weed. 40+ year old men

[Himu]

My folks asked me to wash the kitchen rug with the carpet cleaner vacuum. I said I'd take it in the front yard and do it because there's more room.

My dad argued not to do that because that's what white people do,"white people do everything in their front yard: smoke, cook, have sex, clean....you don't want to do that, that's redneck behavior"

"Okay....but there's more room in the front."

"Doesn't matter!"

So I used the carpet cleaner on the kitchen rug on the back patio. I had to put it on the ground and move almost every single piece of furniture off the concrete to afford some room and make sure leaves don't fall on the carpet. It was far more tedious than it should have been but at least I wouldn't give neighbors the wrong impression.

[Great Rumbler]

My dad argued not to do that because that's what white people do,"white people do everything in their front yard: smoke, cook, have sex, clean....you don't want to do that, that's redneck behavior"

[Diunx]

The only growing twins I'm carrying are these mammaries.

add this to the news feed demi

[Phoenix Dark]

My folks asked me to wash the kitchen rug with the carpet cleaner vacuum. I said I'd take it in the front yard and do it because there's more room.

My dad argued not to do that because that's what white people do,"white people do everything in their front yard: smoke, cook, have sex, clean....you don't want to do that, that's redneck behavior"

"Okay....but there's more room in the front."

"Doesn't matter!"

So I used the carpet cleaner on the kitchen rug on the back patio. I had to put it on the ground and move almost every single piece of furniture off the concrete to afford some room and make sure leaves don't fall on the carpet. It was far more tedious than it should have been but at least I wouldn't give neighbors the wrong impression.

My parents never said that, but they NEVER let me clean anything in the front yard.

[Himu]

To be fair to my dad, I'm pretty sure he was a Black Panther supporter back in the day. He and the rest of his side of the family lived in Oakland their entire childhoods and he didn't come to Tejas until the 80's.

My dad says some damn pro-black shit.

[Tasty]

I love hearing the crazy shit families say, so please share.

My sister just told me someone said, "Lindsay looks like she's carrying twins!"  I'm barely even showing and no one at work even had a clue when I told them. I haven't gained any weight yet, and actually look thinner in my legs, arms, etc. They must have never seen a pregnant person before. The only reason I'm starting to show is because I'm so short, so my stomach is already pushed up under my ribs as far as it can go, and now the only place for it all to go is straight out.

FYI Family: I'm growing a human, so I'll be getting much much larger. I don't point out how huge all you fatties are, so refrain from commenting on my growing fetus. The only growing twins I'm carrying are these mammaries.

Now the wimmenz are sitting around talking hot flashes. My poor husband.

You're complaining that someone in your family pointed out you are pregnant... when you're actually pregnant? Not much to be upset over, fatty.

[lennedsay]

When you grow up, maybe you'll understand.

[Tasty]

Better young than fat. 

[Phoenix Dark]

....

[Diunx]

This is so boring a bunch of the family is out of thr country and there was a divorce and some deads so there are only like 12 people while past years there were like 26.

Gonna continue getting drunk.

[Diunx]

Well a gay cousin of my mum that lives in spain has aids.

I have always say never fuck a spaniard in the ass.

[Mupepe]

My mom doesn't say stupid shit. Tonight is Christmas at my inlaws so I'm sure ill hear some uninformed opinion on obama but that's it probably.

[BobFromPikeCreek]

my dad and uncle had too much wine and had a loud conversation about drunk driving as kids. after they finally noticed the stares they were getting they, in unison, exclaimed "it was the 70s!"

smh

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

An arch conservative uncle spouting nobama crap to only find out that he was beating off to gay porn in the bathroom on his iPhone after dinner.  Years ago, he had to go to a gay re-education camp as ordered by his androgynous, mustachioed wife after he was caught blowing a low end rentboy he found in a dank alley in Chicago.

I guess you can't pray the gay away!

Edited for further context

[Diunx]

Sounds like an EB reunion.

[Flannel Boy]

How did you find out that he was fapping to gay porn on his iphone in the bathroom?

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

How did you find out that he was fapping to gay porn on his iphone in the bathroom?

My cousin Mariel accidentally went into the bathroom.  His pants were around his ankles as he was awkwardly trying to jerk the gherkin in one hand and hold his iPhone in the other.  Awkward...

[Great Rumbler]

Merry Christmas!

[Don Flamenco]

nothing in particular, just insinuations that Prague is some rural area without internet and will require huge snow boots to trek the 3 foot deep snow in case the horse pulling the carriage dies.

[chronovore]

An arch conservative uncle spouting nobama crap to only find out that he was beating off to gay porn in the bathroom on his iPhone after dinner.  Years ago, he had to go to a gay re-education camp as ordered by his androgynous, mustachioed wife after he was caught blowing a low end rentboy he found in a dank alley in Chicago.

I guess you can't pray the gay away!

Edited for further context

There is some serious freakin' denial going on in that uncle's head.

Buy him a dildo for Xmas next year!

[Phoenix Dark]

How did you find out that he was fapping to gay porn on his iphone in the bathroom?

My cousin Mariel accidentally went into the bathroom.  His pants were around his ankles as he was awkwardly trying to jerk the gherkin in one hand and hold his iPhone in the other.  Awkward...

Yea but how did she know it was gay porn. At best she would have seen the iPhone from the side, but not enough to see the contents.

So after she allegedly witnessed this, did she run into the living room and tell everyone or something? I doubt I'd mention something like that to anyone irl

[lennedsay]

Better young than fat. 

I understand. It's so hard to get fat when you're a filthy poor.  :'( Maybe when you can fit into your big boy undies and afford yourself a real console, you can afford some good food.


Today we're going to the in-law's house, so it'll just be the two of us and his parents. Considering the first time I met his parents, they told me a story about helping somebody move and a blue dildo falling out of the couch, it should be quality.

[Van Cruncheon]

My daughter massively trolled when, appropos of nothing, she announced "I don't believe in Jesus!" Can't post THAT on Facebook!

Edit: She also asked everyone if they believed in Jesus. I politically hedged -- as befits a Republican family gathering -- with "Welllll, I believe there was a PERSON named Jesus..." and she said "I don't believe there was ANYONE named Jesus!"

[lennedsay]

How old is she? Little does she know that many men are named Jesus. It's just pronounced differently and they're primarily in Spanish-speaking communities.

[Van Cruncheon]

seven. she didn't say HEYSOOS so i think the greater hispanic male community is off the existential hook

[Himu]

and she said "I don't believe there was ANYONE named Jesus!"

What about the mexican guy at the local taqueria?

e; fb

[Tasty]

My daughter massively trolled when, appropos of nothing, she announced "I don't believe in Jesus!" Can't post THAT on Facebook!

Edit: She also asked everyone if they believed in Jesus. I politically hedged -- as befits a Republican family gathering -- with "Welllll, I believe there was a PERSON named Jesus..." and she said "I don't believe there was ANYONE named Jesus!"

That is pretty dumb.

[brob]

My daughter massively trolled when, appropos of nothing, she announced "I don't believe in Jesus!" Can't post THAT on Facebook!

Edit: She also asked everyone if they believed in Jesus. I politically hedged -- as befits a Republican family gathering -- with "Welllll, I believe there was a PERSON named Jesus..." and she said "I don't believe there was ANYONE named Jesus!"

That is pretty dumb.

Not really. Once you're as old as she is, you'll hopefully understand.

[chronovore]

Better young than fat. 

I understand. It's so hard to get fat when you're a filthy poor.  :'( Maybe when you can fit into your big boy undies and afford yourself a real console, you can afford some good food.


Today we're going to the in-law's house, so it'll just be the two of us and his parents. Considering the first time I met his parents, they told me a story about helping somebody move and a blue dildo falling out of the couch, it should be quality.

[Human Snorenado]

Better young than fat. 

Fortunately, she'll one no longer be fat.  Sadly, the only cure for Nintendo fanboyism is a bullet.

[chronovore]

Let alone the fact that one can always choose to lose weight, but rarely is afforded the chance to grow younger.

[lennedsay]

 

Update from the in-laws:

They told us the story about the blue dildo again, only this time included the 2nd half of the story. Apparently someone took the dildo, ran it through the dishwasher and gave it to another woman friend for Christmas.  

Then they told me a story about the white neighbor girl "having sex with black people right there in the driveway!!" They said one of the boys would be shooting hoops while the other boy was plowing this girl. Then they'd trade the basketball for a round with this slut. So apparently there is something both black and white people do in the front yard. 

Last but not least, my father in law showed us this wine bottle decoration thing my mother in law received as a gift at work. It's a little sock hat and scarf to put on a wine bottle. My father in law said he was going to use them to decorate something else for my mother in law. 

[Olivia Wilde Homo]

A cousin who stopped by for dinner got a job as a sex educator.  So she was telling us about various sexual positions and phrases, which caused another arch conservative aunt to nearly faint from the foul words being spoken.  Then another aunt who is 50 but acts like 15 was sharing stories about going to an S&M club to see how it was with everyone gasping in horror and acting shocked.  I just smh and walked off to play some Wii.

[Human Snorenado]

My 13 year old nephew has asperger's and one of the things that really occupies his time/feeble mind is making shitty drawings.  This afternoon my sister gave him some paper and colored pencils and he asked if he could make a drawing of his dream from last night- she asked what it was, and he was all happy and said "a sex dream!"  She said no.

[Phoenix Dark]

I have two uncles on my mom's side. One is a deacon and super religious although he still drinks, smokes, and believes all types of ridiculous conspiracy shit. The other is in his 50s and went through a heroic battle with substance abuse. He's been clean for some time now, but the negative effect has been a mid life crisis of sorts which manifests itself in him dressing like he's 19. He provided the best quotables of the day

(Uncle arrives at grandma's house with huge barrels of wrapped gifts)
Cousin: Hey dad!
Uncle Gary: Merry Christmas yall
Mom: I didn't know Santa Claus was coming!
Uncle Gary: Naw, just a nigga with a job

Grandma: Did you wrap all them presents Gary?
Uncle Gary [in incredulous tone]: I ain't got a wife do I??!

Aunt 1: Kobe done got divorced, now she gets half? Why he get divorced?
Aunt 2: Well you know what he asked that white girl that he raped to do
(Aunt 2 then leans close to Aunt 1 and loudly whispers "anal")
Uncle Gary: Damn Kobe if you wanted expensive chocolate, shoulda copped some Ferrero Rocher

[Himu]

[Himu]

We were watching the game, and there's this commercial about finishing school and the importance of education. Then that nicca Lebron shows up and SPONSORS the commercial preaching about kids should finish school.

"Didn't that dude drop out of high school to join the NBA? And he's telling kids to stay in school?"
"Lebron is our proverbial kettle; he's definitely black enough to play the part"

And we laughed for about a minute from that stupid joke and commercial.

[chronovore]

[Cerveza mas fina]

(Uncle arrives at grandma's house with huge barrels of wrapped gifts)
Cousin: Hey dad!
Uncle Gary: Merry Christmas yall
Mom: I didn't know Santa Claus was coming!
Uncle Gary: Naw, just a nigga with a job

Just like in the movies.

[chronovore]

I love hearing people moan about attempts to "take over" christmas given the history of the celebration.

WHY WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN, DEE-CHARLES?

The Douglas Fir is native to the Bethlehem region, and the near-overlap with the Winter Solstice is surely just a God-planned coincidence, no?

[pilonv1]

Nothing stupid was said at my Xmas shenanigans sadly. Although my dad has set up a Facebook account for the family dog

The dumbest part is that he doesn't even have one for himself.

[Reb]

My mom started off christmas dinner by asking my girlfriend: "Did you ever clean that mold form the bathroom? I bet you didn't."

[Eel O'Brian]

this thread

[Mupepe]

I wish my family was as crazy as all yours. 

I got shitfaced with my mom and we talked shit about Republicans.  The worst thing my in laws said was "that Obama tsk tsk" and then everyone moved on.

[fistfulofmetal]

the only really weird thing that happened at the christmas get-together (this actually happens whenever they are together) is when my half brothers cousin (no relation to me whatsoever) who is like 14 or something constantly is up in my 13 year old nieces shit. real creepy like. the way he looks at her and stuff and always trying to be around her. when they wanted to take a picture of all the kids he would rub his head into her arm. weird. my niece clearly is not into this but she's a nice girl and they play DS games together and she understands the need to be friendly on the holiday. i've seen her get real pissed when its not the holidays tho.


beyond that there's nothing else that is weird. my dad sometimes gets into rants about how republicans are trying to destroy america and how they are SUPER racist against the president (even though he's always been the biggest racist i know). then transitions into talking about the various shows he watches on tv (because he doesnt have a job), like some show on Bravo about a nail salon or something. he also plays Internet Reversi with people from Spain all day.

[Himu]

did you talk to this kid trying to get into your niece's panties?

[Himu]

if I saw some kid trying to do that to my 14 year old cousin who is pretty much like my little sister I would probably kill him.

[fistfulofmetal]

i see him maybe once or twice a year. sunday was the first time i'd seen him in well over a year. and i don't talk to him because we dont know each other, really.

maybe i'm looking into it too much but it's pretty clear to me this kid is getting to that age and he has little to no release from it because he's so sheltered. maybe he doesnt realize he's doing it? whatevs. not my business.

[Himu]

thankfully I think my little cuz is a lesbian. I asked her if she had any crushes and she gets all shy. "Any boys?" And she shakes her head. "Anyyyyyyy...girls?" and she just blushes.

Awwwwww. Never grow up, sweetie.

[fistfulofmetal]

granted it wasn't as bad this past christmas. it was really bad a year or two ago when i first noticed it. seemed like just teasing initially but it was clear he was just trying to get close to her. he seemed to leave her alone more often this time. it was just maybe a few key instances of it (the picture taking).

[fistfulofmetal]

thankfully I think my little cuz is a lesbian. I asked her if she had any crushes and she gets all shy. "Any boys?" And she shakes her head. "Anyyyyyyy...girls?" and she just blushes.

Awwwwww. Never grow up, sweetie.

you live in a black family clearly where everyone is very close and you do stuff together. i only seen my nieces a few times (at major holidays) out of the year. other than they we stick to ourselves. i don't hold much protective instincts over them really.

[MrAngryFace]

My family is pretty normal- I think the worst I heard was a sarcastic 'thanks Obama' from my family in Arizona but I hear that so often as a joke or serious that it didnt even strike me as weird.

[Mr. Gundam]

My wife's grandma referred to the actor Tyrone Power as "he was one of the gays" while we were playing Trivial Pursuit on Christmas night. That's it.

[Positive Touch]

my family is huge and is pretty evenly divided between left-wing and right-wing shit, so people are usually nice to each other and don't bring up stuff that'll piss other people off.  i like this because i can know ive got some fucked up people in my family without having to experience it first-hand.  sometimes that shit just sneaks up on you tho and all you can do is walk away and tell yourself "i only have to see them for a few more hours..."

me & my dad were having a normal conversation with my uncle about how my brother was liking life in thailand and how nice the town was where he's living.  my dad mentioned that there's a lot of people with money moving into the area now and they'd built a few nice golf courses.  my uncle joked that he'd have to look into moving there, and i joked that he needed to look out for monkeys on the course that'd steal his golfballs.  he says, "that's ok.  we used to have that problem around here all the time back in the day."  i don't think i need to point out that there are no monkeys in st louis.

even my cousin who i was starting to get cool with said some shit about north county getting bad, which 1. it isn't, and 2. is something white people say because a lot of black people are moving in and a lot of white people are moving out. 

whatever.   i got drunk and ate a shitton of food, so i came out ahead.

[Himu]

Black people are almost always for the left. Always.

The funny thing is that many are social conservatives, by way of their faith and religiosity.

So it's funny seeing self-proclaimed liberals dabble in hate speech towards homos.