Author Topic: This Christmas is already awesome (Read 4131 times)

Eel O'Brian · « **on:** December 25, 2011, 08:52:52 AM »

So my fiance explicitly told her son not to fuck with her Kindle at all, not even touch it. Everything she owns that her kids touch gets destroyed, and I had told her that the Kindle screen was especially fragile. Now, this kid (he is the autistic one) is 15 and loves looking at porn. I mean, unattended and given the opportunity he goes for it every time. He has fucked up the house computer downloading from sketchy sites, loaded up a bunch of shit on his sister's phone, and once charged almost $200 worth of PPV porn on cable.

Well, last night her Mom was over, and she got out the Kindle to show her everything you could do on it. When she flicked the screensaver off, she and her mom got a nice shot of some chick bent over with like a four foot dildo crammed up her asshole. This kid had gone into her room, managed to find the experimental web browser, and went straight for the anal shots. I get a call asking if you can get a virus on a Kindle.

Best part - their father has them today, so she let everyone open all their gifts yesterday, including the PS3. Little dude got himself banned from the PS3 (for an indeterminate amount of time, at least until New Year's day), on Christmas eve, before he ever got the chance to play it, for looking at porn. On a Kindle.

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #1 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:03:37 AM »

Great Rumbler · « **Reply #2 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:04:17 AM »

And you STILL want to marry into this family!

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #3 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:05:40 AM »

Kid just needs to learn how to hide his porn activities better; cover his tracks

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #4 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:33:53 AM »

Modern technology is awesome!

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #5 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:34:15 AM »

Is it a Kindle Fire or a regular Kindle? Because that's awesome, looking at porn on the B&W e-ink screen.

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #6 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:41:25 AM »

regular kindle, that's what made it even funnier

i told her she could put a password in it

Momo · « **Reply #7 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:41:50 AM »

Beats playing Samantha Fox strip poker i guess

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #8 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:42:02 AM »

Hawt e-ink action

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #9 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:44:32 AM »

Remember image quality in the 14.4 days?

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #10 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:46:15 AM »

remember clicking a text link to an image, waiting forever for it to load, and hoping it wasn't just a fully clothed shot or a gigantic close-up of a cock?

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #11 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:49:11 AM »

Haha the reveal as the imaged loaded top to bottom was always full of drama

Momo · « **Reply #12 on:** December 25, 2011, 09:55:39 AM »

Quote from: MrAngryFace on December 25, 2011, 09:44:32 AM

Remember image quality in the 14.4 days?

Himu · « **Reply #13 on:** December 25, 2011, 10:19:47 AM »

demi · « **Reply #14 on:** December 25, 2011, 10:27:22 AM »

Is it no coincidence that Ruzbeh is autistic and loves shoving objects in his ass? Better keep him away from any vegetables.

Cerveza mas fina · « **Reply #15 on:** December 25, 2011, 10:48:23 AM »

What a total amateur

But banning him from the PS3 because of some porn? Harsh. Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do and all.

Olivia Wilde Homo · « **Reply #16 on:** December 25, 2011, 01:13:02 PM »

Quote from: MrAngryFace on December 25, 2011, 09:44:32 AM

Remember image quality in the 14.4 days?

In those days, I had to revert to text porn stories I subscribed to with a throwaway Hotmail account.

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #17 on:** December 25, 2011, 06:23:41 PM »

Quote from: Premium Lager on December 25, 2011, 10:48:23 AM

What a total amateur

But banning him from the PS3 because of some porn? Harsh. Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do and all.

she's hip to teens liking porn, and okay with it, i think this was more about him ignoring what she told him and disrespecting her stuff

i set up a password for her on it, and also blocked access to the PS3 web browser for when he is allowed on that (which, tbh, will probably be tonight, she was laughing about it when i went over there this afternoon)

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #18 on:** December 25, 2011, 06:50:27 PM »

Kids today have such an easy time with porn. Shit, I remember back in the day when you were lucky to have ONE PLAYBOY, and sometimes had to resort to mail order lingerie catalogs for fap material.

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #19 on:** December 25, 2011, 06:57:58 PM »

no shit, stroke mags got passed around the neighborhood hundreds of times, by the time you got a new mag the women in the old one were probably middle-aged

we were looking at porn rags so old they had ads for 8-tracks and hai karate aftershave

Don Flamenco · « **Reply #20 on:** December 25, 2011, 07:01:22 PM »

i Skype sexed and felt all sad and lonely after, in an existential kind of way.

oh well, getting on the plane tomorrow

ferrarimanf355 · « **Reply #21 on:** December 25, 2011, 07:02:16 PM »

Quote from: Creepy Old Guy on December 25, 2011, 06:50:27 PM

Kids today have such an easy time with porn. Shit, I remember back in the day when you were lucky to have ONE PLAYBOY, and sometimes had to resort to mail order lingerie catalogs for fap material.

Yeah, those were the days. The day I found my dad's Playboy and Penthouse collection was the best day of my life.

Don Flamenco · « **Reply #22 on:** December 25, 2011, 07:07:06 PM »

found porn

we'd swipe centerfolds out of playboys, then found some Swank magazines which were pretty close to hardcore, iirc. then 1994 hit right as I turned 13 and it was all over. Aol private rooms gifs1, gifs2, gifs3. "OH MAN! This girl looks like she's MY age! ....no tits or pubes at all, why would anyone want this!" :'(

demi · « **Reply #23 on:** December 25, 2011, 07:41:18 PM »

Quote from: ferrarimanf355 on December 25, 2011, 07:02:16 PM

Quote from: Creepy Old Guy on December 25, 2011, 06:50:27 PM
Kids today have such an easy time with porn. Shit, I remember back in the day when you were lucky to have ONE PLAYBOY, and sometimes had to resort to mail order lingerie catalogs for fap material.
Yeah, those were the days. The day I found my dad's Playboy and Penthouse collection was the best day of my life.

And it never occured to you that your dad probably spanked one to those same magazines. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

demi · « **Reply #24 on:** December 25, 2011, 08:02:29 PM »

yee yee

cool breeze · « **Reply #25 on:** December 25, 2011, 08:43:18 PM »

there was literally a porn dealer in my middle school. he hung out in the lunch line trying to convince people to spend their lunch money on porn instead.

chronovore · « **Reply #26 on:** December 25, 2011, 11:34:47 PM »

That kid's biggest crime is being stupid. And, seriously, why the hell does he need to violate mom's Kindle with that kind of crap? Doesn't he still have access to a computer with, you know, a color screen?

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #27 on:** December 25, 2011, 11:38:02 PM »

Quote from: chronovore on December 25, 2011, 11:34:47 PM

That kid's biggest crime is being stupid. And, seriously, why the hell does he need to violate mom's Kindle with that kind of crap? Doesn't he still have access to a computer with, you know, a color screen?

I think you missed the part where Eel identified him as "autistic"

chronovore · « **Reply #28 on:** December 26, 2011, 12:33:18 AM »

Ah, yup.

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #29 on:** December 26, 2011, 01:25:44 AM »

Quote from: Premium Lager on December 25, 2011, 10:48:23 AM

But banning him from the PS3 because of some porn? Harsh. Mans gotta do what a mans gotta do and all.

Is this what's considered harsh parenting these days?

A parent and child have an implicit agreement: each one knows that the other is looking at porn, but both agree to conceal their activities. This agreement is breached when the child takes a parent's ebook reader, which he is barred from using, and loads it up with porn.

recursivelyenumerable · « **Reply #30 on:** December 26, 2011, 06:49:24 AM »

Guess law school was good for something after all.

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #31 on:** December 26, 2011, 07:48:18 AM »

BlueTsunami · « **Reply #32 on:** December 26, 2011, 09:28:07 AM »

My first experience with anything pornographic was finding water damaged tattered pages of some hardcore mag strewn across the local woods me and my friend used to play in. I was probably around 8 or 9. Watching anal fisting on your parents iMac is certainly not as whimsy.

Flannel Boy · « **Reply #33 on:** December 26, 2011, 09:43:40 AM »

That wasn't water.

tiesto · « **Reply #34 on:** December 26, 2011, 10:27:28 AM »

My first ever porno was a BBW mag I found in the local woods... now that I think back to it, that probably explains a lot of my tastes...

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #35 on:** December 26, 2011, 10:28:50 AM »

Apparently the local woods is a gold mine of old porno mags.

Don Flamenco · « **Reply #36 on:** December 26, 2011, 11:01:04 AM »

we found a bunch of bondage mags in the woods. we saw naked pics, but couldn't tell if it was porn or not. like why were all those women just sitting there tied up, can't even see her face or anything :'(

between that and having child porn sent to me on AOL, I'm thankful for my 13 year old ignorance about sex.

Himu · « **Reply #37 on:** December 26, 2011, 01:35:14 PM »

Are we talking HARDCORE PORN or SOFTCORE PORN

Because if it's hardcore porn, I found a tape in my dad's drawer and watched that shit EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR. My dad would come into my room and TAKE it, and put it back when i wasn't there.

If it's softcore, I turned it to cinemax once late at night when I was a kid, at my grandma's place. I'd sleep in her bed with her, so I'd be sitting over the edge and making sure she didn't wake up while watching some crazy shit.

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #38 on:** December 26, 2011, 01:52:43 PM »

I first masturbated to Jet Magazines; each one has a "beauty of the week" page with a chick in a bikini, and I took about 4 Jets from my grandma's house and beat off at home; I remember thinking I pissed myself after my first explosion, and jumping out my bunk bed and rushing to the bathroom.

My first porn experience...hmm. Soft core wise, it was shopped nudes of Britney Spears and Christina Agulera. Shortly after that I saw this amazing pic of Gillian Anderson with a dick near her face. I didn't see an actual blowjob until I stumbled across an Asian porn site, then later.

I used to download porn on a 56k AOL connection with Kazaa. The videos rarely finished so I'd often beat off to like the first 2 minutes of a video. To this day, if a video starts with porn stars talking or even slowly stripping I get antsy and skip to the middle

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #39 on:** December 26, 2011, 01:56:46 PM »

Himu

that's the most gangsta shit ever

Momo · « **Reply #40 on:** December 26, 2011, 01:59:10 PM »

the fuck is up with all of your woods?

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #41 on:** December 26, 2011, 02:04:35 PM »

THE WOODS

HERE BE PORN

BlueTsunami · « **Reply #42 on:** December 26, 2011, 02:11:34 PM »

Another story

Near some other woods that had a small back road there was this hill that dropped off near the edge of the road. People would dump trash over the hill and, oddly, old VHS tapes. I remember going down the hill out of curiosity and finding weathered VHS tape here and there and bringing them back home. There was a weird thrill in finding this shit and not knowing what it would contain. It was mostly 80's vintage (at the time, it was like around 2001) hardcore. Slapping the monkey to mystery tapes the woods provided.

Thinking about it now, its sort of amazing what a horny 13 year old would do and stand for just to catch a glimpse of freaky shit. Thinking about handling those VHS tapes now... urrrkkkk.

Momo · « **Reply #43 on:** December 26, 2011, 02:21:59 PM »

MrAngryFace · « **Reply #44 on:** December 26, 2011, 02:25:42 PM »

The videostore I worked at in college rented out pornos. Never did we get one returned past the halfway mark. Saved us some rewind time I spose.

Bloodwake · « **Reply #45 on:** December 26, 2011, 05:27:25 PM »

This is basically the best story ever.

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #46 on:** December 26, 2011, 07:31:41 PM »

So she told me today that she sat him down and had a talk with him, and told him that it wasn't what he was looking at but where he was looking at it. He is gonna be allowed on the PS3 on Wednesday. She also said if he ever fucks with her shit again he loses PS3/computer/Wii privileges for a solid month. He knows the stakes. Is looking at a grainy black and white spread asshole worth losing a month of gaming? We'll see!

Human Snorenado · « **Reply #47 on:** December 26, 2011, 08:10:50 PM »

PLEASE KEEP US UPDATED

Seriously, I want to know how long he can last

chronovore · « **Reply #48 on:** December 26, 2011, 08:18:11 PM »

Quote from: Dr. Feelbad on December 26, 2011, 07:31:41 PM

So she told me today that she sat him down and had a talk with him, and told him that it wasn't what he was looking at but where he was looking at it. He is gonna be allowed on the PS3 on Wednesday. She also said if he ever fucks with her shit again he loses PS3/computer/Wii privileges for a solid month. He knows the stakes. Is looking at a grainy black and white spread asshole worth losing a month of gaming? We'll see!

Momz, laying' down th' LAW!

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #49 on:** June 23, 2012, 10:43:26 AM »

UPDATE:

I gave her my HP Touchpad when I bought the iPad. She loves it for web browsing and watching Netflix (on the hacked CM9 android side).

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED

SPOILER: THE INEVITABLE HAPPENED

Phone call:

"Can you get a virus on this tablet?"
"Maybe on the Android part of it, I seriously doubt you can on the WebOS side. Why? No, wait. I already know why. How many spread open assholes did you see?"
"I don't even want to talk about what I saw."

This time she took the power cord out of the PS3

Joe Molotov · « **Reply #50 on:** June 23, 2012, 10:53:51 AM »

Tell him to go to the woods, that's where all the good porno is at.

Beezy · « **Reply #51 on:** June 23, 2012, 10:54:22 AM »

How did I miss this thread?!

After reading all these "found porn in the woods" stories, I feel like an old school rpg about porn would be a good idea.

chronovore · « **Reply #52 on:** June 23, 2012, 11:20:07 AM »

The only time I saw "found porno" was under a bridge in Japan.

Man, your GF's kid has a fucking problem, Eel.

Dickie Dee · « **Reply #53 on:** June 23, 2012, 11:28:20 AM »

Quote from: Dr. Feelbad on June 23, 2012, 10:43:26 AM

"No, wait. I already know why. How many spread open assholes did you see?"
"I don't even want to talk about what I saw."

Phoenix Dark · « **Reply #54 on:** June 23, 2012, 05:02:45 PM »

Given the kid's ingenuity, I wouldn't be surprised if he's downloading porn on digital watches and electric dart boards soon.

pilonv1 · « **Reply #55 on:** June 23, 2012, 09:14:43 PM »

Quote from: Beezy on June 23, 2012, 10:54:22 AM

How did I miss this thread?!

I was thinking this too

Robo · « **Reply #56 on:** June 25, 2012, 12:39:20 PM »

Wow, I found porn in the woods when I was a kid, too. Had no idea that was a common thing. I even buried some there for future generations.

demi · « **Reply #57 on:** June 25, 2012, 12:41:02 PM »

You need to post pics of this shit. So we can see what he sees.

Eel O'Brian · « **Reply #58 on:** June 25, 2012, 12:55:53 PM »

I've never seen any of it, I'm just going by what she tells me.

Kid just needs some relief, he just turned 16 and really doesn't have a lot of contact with females. She was thinking getting a subscription to Playboy or one of the milder girlie mags might help keep him off every electronic device in the house, but I think once you've seen the underbelly of internet porn airbrushed boobs aren't gonna do it for you anymore

demi · « **Reply #59 on:** June 25, 2012, 12:58:34 PM »

Print out some Literotica or Hustler letters

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Author Topic: This Christmas is already awesome (Read 4131 times)